by D. Breeze
“It wasn’t like that! It just sort of...happened. Years ago, when I told you I was in care, which was not a lie, you changed. You were all bitter and bitchy and I couldn’t get through to you before that. The second you felt sorry for me, I had my chance to get you back and I took it,” he shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “I don’t regret that and I’d take the same chance again if I had to. But it went too far and then I got stuck and I couldn’t get out. I loved you, I’m in love with you. I’m supposed to be the one who makes you happy when you get sad and the one who fixes all your problems and I just knew it was going to end up breaking your heart. Weeks passed, then months and years and…”
“And what?” I barked, still not getting it at all.
“I just, kept putting it off. I didn’t want Freddy anywhere near my family, I didn’t want you blaming my brother for the fire, I didn’t want you getting pissed off at the life I had. So I thought, maybe, it was almost better that you didn’t know about them and they didn’t know about you.”
Well that hurt.
It cut like a knife to the heart.
My voice croaked out in a broken-whisper, barely audible over the cars driving passed.
“So what am I then, Ruben? You didn’t want Freddy around your family, so am I not family? You didn’t want me to be pissed about your life, so you just refused to share it with me. And I don’t give a shit about the fucking fire!” I threw my arms up in frustration. “I got over all that shit years ago. You just don’t pay attention! You asked me to marry you, God damn it! What was the plan there? Just have a secret wife on the side? Unless…”
Something about the words I’d just said, struck something inside of me and the knife twisted.
“Oh my God. You were never planning to marry me.”
His back snapped straight. “That’s not true. I love you! I’d marry you tomorrow if you’d let me. But yeah, you’re right. I didn’t plan to ask you like that because for once I wanted things to be perfect!” He rubbed his temples like he was trying to ease a headache. “I was going to do it though, that’s why I had the ring. Don’t let my fuck ups spoil that.”
I laughed humourlessly. “Are you out of your mind? I can’t marry you now. You’re a stranger to me. We’re wasting our time here. I can’t just forgive and forget. You just need to let me know,” I choked on the words, but I forced them out. I meant what I said and I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive him.
But I’d also never forget him.
Sobbing, I continued. “I-I-I love Ruben. He’s the best thing that ever has or probably ever will happen to me. But you’re not that guy to me now. He would never have hurt me like this. You’ve literally stolen my heart - but instead of treating it with care and cherishing it like you should, you locked it away. You actually hid my heart in some dusty closet, like a dirty little secret. So I have to take it back because you don’t deserve it anymore.”
As I turned to leave, his hand came around my wrist and he yanked me back towards him. I froze in shock and he took the opportunity to put his hands on either side of my face and pull me in for a kiss full of all the love and hate and passion he was feeling.
And I did the same. I kissed him hard, sucked on his tongue, nibbled at his bottom lip and tugged at his hair.
It was an epic kiss, full of words that neither of us could get out.
But he was begging me to stay.
...When I was saying goodbye.
*~*~*
Ruben
It was the best kiss I’d ever had.
And the worst.
Because I could feel her slipping away with every stroke of her tongue. I’m not even ashamed to admit that I was openly crying on the streets of London. Her heart was breaking, but so was mine.
She blamed me, I blamed me.
I could taste the saltiness of our tears on my lips as she wrenched her mouth from mine. I tried to pull her back but she scrambled out of my reach and held out her hand to stop me.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t feel that.” I begged, but she was already shaking her head.
“We’re done.” She croaked.
And I knew she meant it.
But it didn’t mean I was going to accept it.
“Lydia…!”
She stopped again and threw her hands up in frustration.
“God! Just let me go! You’re hurting me, Ruben. With every word and every bullshit excuse that comes out of your mouth. You’re mentally scarring me. So just let me go, I’m begging you.”
“I…” I grabbed my wallet out of my trousers and held out a twenty pound note. “At least take this for a taxi. So I know you have enough to get home.”
She stepped forward, I assumed to take the money.
But her palm connected with my cheek so fast that I didn’t have time to react. My head swung to the side and a burning pain lit my face. I shook my head, trying to clear the buzzing. Lydia looked horrified that she’d just hit me, but she held her shoulders high.
“Don’t you ever insult me like that again. Keep your fucking money, it’s no good to you here.”
Then she turned and walked away. I watched until she flagged a taxi at the end of the road and got in.
Then I slumped to the floor, putting my head in my hands. I was surrounded by rubbish and god knows what else on the sidewalk but it could have been a snake pit for all I cared.
She’d walked away.
From me.
From us.
And I had never felt so lost.
Chapter Eighteen
Lydia
Day seventeen ‘post-Ruben’ seemed to be the worst. It was the first day that he hadn’t shown up at the flat begging me to forgive him. Each and every time, we just ended up shouting at each other until I broke down so hard that it forced him to leave.
I was cracking up.
I hadn’t been to work, I was actually probably fired.
I didn’t care.
I was barely eating, felt sick and I don’t think my eyes had been dry in two weeks.
I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what the hell he’d been thinking. Or maybe he just hadn’t been thinking at all - because that’s the only thing that made any sense.
Have you ever had one of those moments in your life when your brain is so full, so busy, that you end up doing nothing?
Well yeah, that’s exactly what happened.
There was so much to process, that my brain just shut down and I ended up sitting on my sofa, curled up in a protective ball...doing nothing.
For what felt like months.
I couldn’t get past it though. And I was no closer to forgiving him than I had been when I found out. So I was just stuck in limbo.
I understood, why he hadn’t turned up on day seventeen. Because he wanted me to finally understand what it would feel like if he wasn’t around at all. He didn’t know though, that it was the worst day possible for him not to turn up.
Because I had news that had thrown yet another problem my way, and I was in no position to deal with it. No, it wasn’t a ‘problem’, it wasn’t even a surprise if I’m honest, but it was there and he needed to know.
As I had sat there, wallowing in my own self-pity, I’d realised that something didn’t feel right. My body just felt different. Call it intuition, or the fact that I’d slowed to a stop for two weeks long enough to realise it. But I finally dragged myself up and out of the flat to head to the nearest pharmacy.
And we were having a baby.
When we weren’t even together.
It’s been said before, and it’ll be said again, but children have the worst timing - even the ones that haven’t been born yet. But it was still my baby and I’d always wanted to be a mum, to have my own family and even if I had to do it on my own - I’d be happy to.
So on day seventeen, I smiled.
It was tiny, you could have blinked and missed it, but it happened. I’d call that progress.
Back in my position, curled up on the sofa, I thou
ght I heard a tapping sound at the door but convinced myself that I was wrong.
I heard the knock at the door again and frowned.
No one should have been visiting me. The knock continued and gradually started getting louder and louder. Eventually, it sounded like there was a hundred hands hitting the door at once and I ran to open it.
I was almost bowled over when Jase lead a group of strangers into my flat.
“Whoa, what the...?”
“Morning, girlie. I’ve brought you the welcoming committee.” Jase announced. Yes, I said he announced it.
I’m sure I gave a pretty good impression of a fish, opening and closing my mouth with no sound, as I looked around the group of unwanted guests.
I knew immediately who they were.
The biggest guy of the group stared me down as I looked at him. He had his arms crossed over his broad chest and I let my eyes trail across them. He had black tribal designs covering the tops of both arms and the word ‘Harley’ in Celtic lettering spanning the length of his forearm. I knew he had to be Jackson. He was clearly older than Ruben, but looked just like him. Rougher, harder definitely, but the resemblance was there.
“I think she’s checking you out...” The woman next to him stage-whispered and I felt myself blush right down to my toes.
“I-I-I...I wasn’t. I was just looking at his tattoos.”
She nodded slowly, pursing her lips but looking like she was fighting a smile. “Mm hmm.”
Jase spoke first. “I’ll start the introductions, shall I? The poor girl looks like she’s going to faint.” I felt like it too! “Muscle man over there is Jackson, though I’m guessing you’ve figured that out already. The blonde with the baby is Taylor, his wife. Over here,” he flicked his hand to the other side of the room. “We have Harper, and of course, you knew Mason, albeit years ago. So there you have it.” He finished with a flurry of his hands, and frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t do a curtsy.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the little girl in Taylor’s arms. She was utterly beautiful; she had big blue eyes and a head full of blonde curls. Unconsciously, my hand moved to my stomach and I heard someone stuck in a breath.
“Oh hell, I know that look.” Someone in the room said it, but I was too transfixed to pay attention. I guessed from the tattoo on her daddy’s arm, she was Harley. I wondered if our baby would look like her, or if he or she would look more like me.
“Come on! I haven’t got all day. Let’s get this shit over with, looks like the official ‘welcome to the family’ is about to get a little more complicated. Hi, I’m Harper.” The brunette, Harper, stormed forward and took my hand, pulling me into a hug.
She stepped back before I could reciprocate, and tilted her head. She was studying me. I swallowed, not liking being centre of attention.
“You’re pretty. Exactly the kind of looker that I figured Ruben would go for,” she waved her hand in my face, which made me flinch. “You know, you’ve got that whole, exotic beauty thing going on.”
“Err...” I was about to say thank you, when a new voice joined in.
“Hello, Lydia.”
I sucked in a breath and let out a silent ‘whoa!’ in my head. I didn’t remember Mason looking quite so much like Ruben, they could have been twins. “Hello, Mason.” I whispered.
“Ignore my girlfriend; she hasn’t quite mastered the art of subtlety yet.” Harper complained in the background but he silenced her with ‘the look’, exactly the same as Ruben always used and she scowled at him. “You look a bit like you’re getting ready to bolt, but we’re just here to welcome you into the family. I don’t know what’s happening between you and my brother at the minute, but we’re to help you sort your head out and answer any questions...” he trailed off and looked at my stomach. “But me first, does he know?”
I knew what he meant, and as guilty as it made me feel, I shook my head. It wasn’t fair for his whole family to know before him.
Mason’s eyebrows shot up. “Are you going to tell him?”
The accusation in his voice made me angry.
“Right! As much as this little powwow is a lovely, if not a little intrusive, gesture - I do not want, or need, any help ‘sorting my head out’. So thank you, but no thank you. As for the baby, which yes you already guessed there is a baby, I’ll tell Ruben when I’m good and ready. I only found out myself yesterday so if you could give me a little time to get my head around it first, then I’d really appreciate it. There is no ‘me and your brother’ anymore,” I said to Mason. “He fucked up and he fucked up huge. It’s not the first time he’s lied to me, but it will be the last because I’m not going to give him the opportunity again. So again, thank you for coming here, I can see that you’re all a tight-knit group and as cute as that is, I’ll never be a part of it. If you could...” I nodded my head towards the door, indicating that it was time they left.
I knew I was being rude but I couldn’t help it, seeing them all there just reminded me of Ruben and although it was an impossible task, I was trying not to think about him.
The baby in Taylor’s arms let out a tiny whimper and my shoulders edged forward as if to go to her, of course I stopped myself though. I had never held a baby, not once in my twenty years but that didn’t mean my maternal instincts hadn’t blossomed the second I found out about our bean.
Taylor looked at me. “Want to hold her?”
My eyes felt like saucers, they stretched so wide. She trusted me with her baby? Wow.
“Um...” I rubbed my suddenly damp palms on my jeans and nodded.
Everyone seemed to be ignoring my previous rude comments. Taylor walked towards me slowly and handed over the baby, who was babbling incoherently and sucking her fist. She was sitting on her hip by herself. I was still amazed by how beautiful she was. She came to me willingly and immediately wrapped her tiny, drool soaked fist around a lock of my hair and pulled. I giggled and let her tug away. Tears pricked my eyes. I was going to have one of those...
By myself.
I heard a deep voice mutter something along the lines of ‘can you give us a minute’ and I didn’t even bother to look up as I heard feet shuffling towards the door. I was still surprised to find myself alone with Jackson when I looked up. My eyes went to the door as everyone else left.
“Where...?”
“We need to talk.” He stated, with no room for discussion.
“I don’t want to talk. I just want you to leave.” I muttered, still staring down into Harley’s chubby face.
“Ok, one, you’re holding my daughter, so I can’t and won’t leave,” fair point. “And two, you don’t have to talk, you just have to listen.”
I rolled my eyes but ignored him - seemed like the alpha streak ran in the family. I could imagine that Jackson was probably the worst though.
“I spoke to Ruben, I know the story. What I’m trying to decide is if you’re just stubborn, or so damn stupid that you can’t see what’s right in front of your face.” My head snapped up in his direction and I opened my mouth to snap at him for insulting me, but he narrowed his eyes at me and then looked at his daughter. It suddenly became pretty damn clear why he’d waited until I was holding the baby to talk – because he knew I couldn’t scream back at him.
Well played, Jackson. Well played.
“Ruben might have made a mistake, a bloody big mistake, but you’re not totally innocent either. Do I like that you keep calling my little brother a liar? No, but I guess he deserves it. Then again, you might not be a liar, but you’re ignorant. Did you ever stop to ask Ruben any single thing about his life? Or did you just not care enough to bother? I’m thinking it’s the latter. You didn’t bother to find out anything about him! You just let the years pass by, basking in your own self-importance. I bet you can’t even think of a time when you’ve put him first. Poor Lydia, she didn’t have a good start in life, she was too naive to take care of herself as a kid so now she’s got some pathetic, misguided idea that she has to do everything on
her own, not giving a damn about who she tramples on in the meantime.”
“Nice...” I hissed. “Keep on with the insults. Why don’t you? Because that’s the best way to introduce yourself and make me think I want to be part of your stupid family.”
His face darkened and I audibly gulped. Don’t piss off the head of the family.
Duly noted.
“Enough. You’ve been already rude to my family when they came out of their way to visit this shit hole and do something nice for you, and now you’ve just insulted them. You’ll only get one warning, don’t do it again. Maybe I was wrong, maybe Ruben is better off without you. I wonder how long it’ll be before you fall off this mile-high pedestal you’ve put yourself on and you turn into a regular estate escapee. You can take the girl out of the estate but...” he trailed off but I knew exactly what he was trying to say and that hurt more than you could imagine. I was not going to be another drug addled mess who couldn’t be saved.
“Do you really think Ruben is going to stand by and let you raise his kid by yourself if you end up turning into someone like, I don’t know, your mother?” Another shot, right to the gut. He just kept going. “On the way up the stairs just now, because the lift is broken but I’m guessing it has been for a while, I saw four dirty needles. Four. How exactly is this any better than the estate? Huh?”
“I do just fine, thank you.” I muttered petulantly.
“Right...” he dragged out the word, making it clear he didn’t agree. “But it’s not just about you now, is it? What are you going to do when you have a pushchair, a baby and four shopping bags to get up the stairs? Nothing. You can’t leave a baby alone ever so you’d be fucked. Can’t carry everything. Or what about when the neighbours are blasting their music so loud that it keeps the baby up all night? Or when he or she is toddling around and wants to walk by themselves...if they stand on one of those dirty needles, what are you going to do then?”
“You’ve made your point, Jackson. I’m not stupid, I never said this was the right place to raise a baby.” I choked out, my tears uncontrollable by that point.
