OUR FAMILY WAS NEVER SUPER CLOSE, BUT WE’VE ALWAYS GOTTEN ALONG. DON’T LOSE THAT, OAKLEY. DON’T LET OUR FAMILY BREAK APART. DON’T LET MOM WASTE AWAY WITHOUT SMILING. MAKE HER SMILE AGAIN. SHE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY. AND SO DO YOU.
LOVE, LUCAS
I miss the days of laughing and smiling. Right when I thought I was getting better, everything falls to crap.
Carson’s called my cell three times and the house twice. I refuse to answer. Mom has asked me what’s wrong but I won’t talk to her. I can’t. I feel horrible. Carson deserves an explanation but I don’t dare face him.
I need time to sort out my jumbled thoughts. I need time to figure out what I want and who I really am. My life is spiraling down, and honestly, Carson is the only one who even attempted to pull me back up.
It’s only been a day and I miss him. I wonder if he’s calling because he’s angry or if he wants to see me. Maybe he misses me too.
The sun beats down on me as I sit on the front porch steps, doing nothing, saying nothing. Just staring at the ocean across the street, wondering if Carson’s surfing today and wishing I was brave enough to figure myself out.
The door opens behind me and Jo steps outside. I know it’s her since Mom is gone today. Again. “Hey. Mind if I join ya?”
I shrug. “Sure.”
She sits next to me, her fingers playing with the tangles in her wild hair. “You’ve been moping around here all day. If something’s bothering you, it helps to talk about it.”
I let out a slow breath and keep my eyes focused on the bits of sand scattered on her sidewalk. “Only if you have something to talk about.” I don’t want to talk about Carson and pray she doesn’t bring him up.
“Fair enough.” She pulls something onto her lap and I glance at it. A scrapbook or something?
“What is that?”
She smiles. “I was hoping you’d like to look at it with me.” She flips the page open and I’m suddenly staring into a two-year-old Lucas’s face.
“What . . . where did you get that?” I lean closer, taking in his toothy grin and platinum blond hair.
“I have a lot more.” She sets half of the book on my lap and flips the page.
There are dozens of pictures of Lucas and me. From when we were babies, all the way up to the present. I stare at us when we were twelve and fourteen. His freckled face with a huge grin and me standing next to him, my hair shorter and lighter, laughing at something he probably said. “Where did you get all these?”
She shrugs. “Your mom.”
“She sent them to you?”
“Hun, you’re my only family. Did you think since I lived so far away I wouldn’t have pictures of my favorite niece and nephew?”
I touch the freckled Lucas again. “I never thought about it.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “He always took good care of you, didn’t he.” It’s not a question but I swallow the lump in my throat and nod anyway.
“Yes,” I whisper.
My fingers flip through some of the last pages. The ones taken a year or so ago. There’s one of me holding up a medal from a swim meet. That one I remember Lucas took. One of Lucas playing basketball that I remember taking. There’s one of Lucas laughing and holding on to the strings of my hoodie, my nose the only part of me showing since he had pulled my hood so tight.
I stare at the last picture for a long time. It’s of Lucas in his hospital bed giving a thumbs up with one hand and covering my laughing face with his other.
“Thank you. For sharing this with me.” My shaky voice can’t hide the depth of my sorrow but somehow I manage to keep it together.
“You’re welcome. And you know I’ll always be here to talk if you need me. I know a thing or two about boys, you know.”
I crack a smile. “Thanks.” I’m grateful she doesn’t press me for details. It’s obvious she knows I’m avoiding Carson but she hasn’t brought it up, even when I’ve told her to tell him I’m not available when he calls.
She’s wonderful. My aunt.
Jo wraps her arm around my shoulders and gives me a squeeze before letting go. “I love ya, kid. So do your parents. Especially your mom. She may not show it all the time, or in the way you need, but she does. You’re all she has left.”
“I know.”
CHAPTER 20
DEAR OAKLEY,
TODAY WAS A ROTTEN DAY. THE XBOX GAMES YOU BROUGHT ME PUT ME IN A BETTER MOOD, SO THANKS FOR THAT. NOTHING LIKE KILLING A BUNCH OF ALIENS TO PASS THE TIME. YOU ALWAYS KNOW HOW TO CHEER ME UP.
I MISS YOU WHEN YOU GO HOME FOR THE NIGHT. I’LL NEVER TELL YOU THAT TO YOUR FACE, SINCE YOU’D STAY AS LONG AS I WANT YOU TO, BUT IT’S TRUE. I MISS YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE. YOU’RE THE ONE I’M FIGHTING FOR. THE ONLY ONE WHO’S BEEN WITH ME THROUGH THIS ENTIRE ORDEAL. SO, THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR BEING MY BEST FRIEND AND LETTING ME KICK YOUR BUTT AT UNO AND PHASE 10 DAY AFTER DAY. AND PRETENDING YOU CAN PLAY XBOX, BECAUSE YOU REALLY CAN’T. BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT.
OH, AND BY THE WAY, WHEN I’M GONE? ALL THESE GAMES ARE YOURS. TAKE CARE OF THEM AND DON’T YOU DARE SELL THEM! YOU’RE GONNA HAVE KIDS SOMEDAY AND EVEN THOUGH THE GAMES WILL BE ANCIENT BY THEN, I WANT THEM TO HAVE SOMETHING FROM THEIR UNCLE LUCAS.
NIGHT!
LOVE, LUCAS
It’s been a week. I can only stay holed up in my room for so long and I’m starting to go crazy. Jo took me on another one of her jobs, which I was grateful for. This time to save a baby sea lion trapped in some fishing line, but as soon as they got it free and monitored it for a bit, we came back home and I fell into my routine of sitting in my room, playing my guitar for a few minutes, and then staring at my pictures on my wall.
My glamorous and boring life.
I still haven’t talked to Carson. He hasn’t given up though. He’s knocked on my door several times, called, texted me, talked to Jo. I stare at the latest text and sigh.
I need to talk to you. Please call me back.
I turn off my phone. I don’t know what else to do.
I’ve seen him a few times since I left him at the beach. But not up close. I’ve watched him surf and not wanting to be a stalker but wanting to have a few pictures of him, I took my camera with me and snapped a few. Then I went home and locked myself in my room again.
It’s funny how girls can be so dramatic. I always thought girls were stupid in the movies I’d watch. How they’d run away from problems and never talk about it. But I’m acting the same exact way. And it’s slowly driving me insane. I know I’m being ridiculous. I know I should explain things to Carson but part of me still believes that I’m not good enough for him. I don’t want to give myself false hope that maybe I am good enough.
I can’t help but think what Lucas would say if he were here. Actually, I know exactly what he’d say.
Don't be stupid, Oakley. Talk to him.
I pick up my phone again and my fingers hover over the keypad. I sigh and set it down again.
Maybe tomorrow.
CHAPTER 21
DEAR OAKLEY,
THEY’RE LETTING ME COME HOME TOMORROW. I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN I GET THERE. MY BODY HURTS. I’M TIRED. I CAN FEEL THE STRAIN OF ALL THE CHEMICALS AND MEDICINE PUSHING ME INTO A BLACK HOLE. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. IF I WERE STRONGER, MAYBE I’D FIGHT HARDER, BUT IT’S A LOST CAUSE.
I’M GLAD I’LL BE HOME WHEN IT HAPPENS. BE WITH YOU AND MOM AND DAD. I’M NOT READY TO LEAVE THIS LIFE JUST YET, BUT I DON’T HAVE A CHOICE. I KNOW I’LL BE OKAY. I’M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU’RE THE REASON I’VE LASTED THIS LONG. YOU KEEP TELLING ME TO STAY STRONG AND FIGHT. BUT I’M DONE FIGHTING. SO I’LL TELL YOU THIS, AND YOU’D BETTER DO IT. STAY STRONG FOR ME.
LOVE, LUCAS
I feel numb. Thinking about Lucas’s last days is almost more than I can handle. I close the notebook and sit there, staring at the floor. I’ve been strong. At least I think I have. What else does he want me to do?
What if things had been different? What if it had been me fighting instead of him? He’d
still be alive. He’d still have a chance with Emmy. But either way, we wouldn’t be together. He’d lose his sister or I’d lose my brother. Neither is fair.
I look out the window and sigh. I need to talk to someone. I should start with Mom, but the timing has to be right. For both of us. My thoughts turn to Carson. I need to apologize for acting like a freak and I wonder if whatever he felt about me is gone now. The longer I’ve had to think about it, the more I’ve realized how stupid I’ve been. I haven’t been following Lucas’s advice the way he intended. I haven’t been taking risks; I haven’t been living. I’ve been on the cusp but I’ve let fear of the unknown and of loss hold me back. And now I know—I want to be with Carson. I want to see where it goes, even if I’m going to leave someday. Why can’t we see if it can work out until that day comes? And then, maybe even after that.
I have to find him and explain my crazy self to him. I really hope he’ll forgive me.
I tell Mom where I’m going and head outside to the beach. I know exactly where to find him, unless he’s at work, which I hope he’s not.
There aren’t many surfers out, which makes me feel a little less scared. I can move easier without having to worry about people running me over. The sky is a light gray and the wind is blowing a little.
Carson’s already out there. I recognize his yellow board as he falls off a wave. I’m not sure what I’m going to say to him but I do know we have a lot to talk about. I’ll apologize first and go from there.
I grab my board and enter the water. It’s colder than I remember, though it might be because I’m not wearing a wet suit. When the water is to my waist, I jump on my board and start paddling. As I break the swell, I’m surprised to see Carson sitting just behind it. He’s waiting for me. His usual smile is gone and his dark eyes look sad.
“Hey,” I say. I sit up on my board so my legs dangle in the water. It’s murkier than usual. I can’t see my legs at all.
“Hey,” he says. He watches me for a second before looking toward the beach.
“Waves any good today?” Stupid. What a way to start the conversation. I know he’s mad at me and now he probably thinks I don’t care. I wait for him to answer but he just shrugs.
“Carson,” I start.
He holds up a hand. “You don’t have to explain anything.”
“Yes I do.”
“You’ve been pretty clear about where we stand and I really don’t think I can handle hearing any more.”
I sigh. “Please. Let me explain. I screwed up, okay?”
He’s quiet, staring at the water in front of him.
“Could you please just listen to me for a second? Please?”
“Sure.” He still won’t look at me but I start talking anyway.
“First of all, I want to say I’m sorry. I had no reason to ignore you the past week. I’ve never had a boyfriend before. I don’t know what to do or how to act. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. Everything was so confusing. It still is.” I shake my head. “I’m so sorry I ruined everything.”
He turns to look at me and opens his mouth to say something, but I beat him to it.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think since I’ve moved here. After Lucas died . . . I never thought I’d get over it. And I’m not over it. But I’m starting to move on. The only reason I’ve gotten this far is because of you. You’ve helped me heal. You haven’t given up on me and I don’t understand why.” I wish he could understand how much he’s helped me. It’s so hard to open up to anybody but for some reason it’s easy with him.
“Why did you ignore me?” he asks. “What did I do?”
I lift my eyes to meet his. They’re curious, but patient. Always so patient. “It wasn’t anything you did . . .” I hesitate. I think about what Dillon said to me. That’s the biggest reason. I don’t want to be the bad guy. And I’m not, but it might seem like I am if I tell him what he said. And then all the stuff his dad said . . . I take a deep breath. “Dillon said some stuff.”
He frowns. “What kind of stuff?”
“He wasn’t trying to be mean, he just told me some things. You know I’m leaving before summer starts. He doesn’t want me to lead you on and leave you. He doesn’t want you to get hurt.”
“Are you serious?” He rolls his eyes. “Of course he said that. He likes you.”
“What? No he doesn’t.”
“Look. I’ve known Dillon for a long time and he’s never cared enough about my feelings to tell the girl I like to break up with me because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. He’s mad that you never gave him the time of day.” He shakes his head and studies me. “That’s not the only reason you’ve been ignoring me. What else?”
I run my hand through the water and avoid his eyes. “I have too much baggage.”
He shrugs. “So do I.”
“Not like mine.”
“Everyone has baggage, Oakley. No one’s perfect. If you think that’s going to scare me off, you’re wrong.”
“It should.”
He reaches across the water and grabs my hand. He’s so serious. My body shakes from the cold but he holds on. “It doesn’t.”
“I feel like I’m betraying Lucas, though. That me being happy will make him sad. I’m supposed to be grieving. And I feel . . . guilty. That I’m getting to experience these amazing things with you that he never got to feel.”
He sighs. “You think he’ll be sad to know you’re living your life and that you’re happy? I don’t think so. I think he’d be proud of you for moving on. You don’t have to forget someone to move on. They can still be with you. And all the memories you had together? They never go away.”
“I know they won’t go away. But it’s still hard knowing I won’t have any new memories with him to look forward to.”
“I know. I also know he wouldn’t want you to be miserable.” He squeezes my hand. “What else?”
What else? I don’t know what else. I mean, I do, I just don’t know if I want to say. I’ve never been good about sharing my feelings. He’s kind of pushing it. I meet his eyes. He’s watching me. His expression curious, but soft.
“The truth is . . . I . . . I’m going to miss you when I leave. I don’t want to get involved with someone I might not ever see again. I don’t want to be just a fling.”
He smiles. “Trust me. This isn’t a fling. What I feel for you I’ve never felt for anyone else. You’re stubborn and funny. Shy and withdrawn, but when I somehow break those barriers, you’re sweet and caring. You’re so talented and beautiful. If you’d see yourself like I see you . . .” His voice catches and he shakes his head with a smile. “I’ve thought about you every single day since the first day I met you. I know they say there’s no such thing as love at first sight, but I think they’re wrong. I knew I wanted to date you the second you almost fell into that tide pool. It took a little convincing but I finally got you to agree. Somehow.”
I don’t know what to say. I’m shocked, to say the least. I certainly didn’t fall for him that quickly. And even though he didn’t say I love you, maybe that’s what he means. In the tone of his voice and the way he’s looking at me. I don’t know if I love him back yet, but if I stop being an idiot, maybe I can figure it out.
He squeezes my hand. “You’re perfect for me, you know that?”
I blush. “I’m pretty sure you’re the perfect one.”
He searches my face and squeezes my hand again. “And don’t talk about leaving yet. We have the rest of the spring and we could have the summer, right?”
“Maybe.”
He looks around. We’ve floated a little ways out. “Let’s go in. You’re cold. We can talk on the beach while you warm up.”
There are a million things I want to say to him, but I just nod instead. We’ll have time to talk later. “Okay.”
He drops my hand, and as I go to paddle, something hits my board so hard it knocks me into the water. I hear Carson shout my name before I go under.
Something slides past my legs an
d I panic as I scramble to the surface.
Carson’s still yelling and it takes me a second to realize what’s happening.
“Shark!” he yells. “Get back to the beach, now!”
The danger must be real, or he wouldn’t be yelling, but there is no way I’m leaving him out here. I grab my board, climb on as fast as I can, and paddle frantically toward him.
I’m almost to him when I see the monstrous fin slice through the water a few feet away. My stomach drops and I freeze as it heads straight for Carson. I watch in terror as he’s knocked off his board and hits the water with a splash. I scream his name as he disappears. He surfaces just as quick, but the second he locks eyes with me, he’s dragged under.
I don’t think, I just move. I’m screaming Carson’s name as I unhook my ankle and leave the safety of my board. The water is red all around me and I start to panic when Carson doesn’t surface for what seems like minutes, but it’s probably only seconds. I look around, not knowing what to do as screams echo along the beach behind me.
And then Carson’s head pops up only a few feet away. The shark still has him and he’s fighting to get away. It takes only seconds for me to swim close enough to see the shark’s dark eye. I don’t think, just punch any part of the fish that I can.
Without warning, the shark releases him, and I grab Carson under the arms. I pull him toward my board. “Carson,” I cry over and over, but he doesn’t answer. I glance around, terrified the shark will come back, but my only focus now is to get Carson to the beach. I try to keep his head above the water as I kick my legs as hard as I can.
I’m sobbing. I have no idea where my board is and we’re surrounded in red. My legs feel like Jell-O and I’m pretty sure I’m going into shock. I get a sliver of hope when Carson says my name but then he passes out again and starts going under. I can’t hold him, I’m shaking so bad and, just when I think I’ll drown us both, Dillon appears at my side, along with three surfers I’ve never seen before. They pull Carson away from me and Dillon grabs my arm and steers me toward my board, which is floating a few yards away. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.
Love, Lucas Page 16
