But I want to know what he says.
The notebook sits in my hands for almost fifteen minutes. I’m still staring at it, wondering what could be in his last message for me. I take a shaky breath and open it.
Dear Oakley,
As you already know, this isn’t my handwriting. Mom’s writing it for me, since I can’t do anything on my own anymore. My time’s almost up. I can feel it. My body is shutting down, and honestly, I welcome it. I’m not afraid to die. It’s a whole new adventure I’m ready to face.
In all seriousness, I want to tell you something. Don’t ever lose hope. Even when a situation is the worst you could ever think of, hope will always pull you through. It’s been a constant companion through the last few months, and even though I know I’m not going to make it, I still have hope that I can leave some good in this world.
And about me leaving. People will grow old, move on, forget about me, but I know you won’t. You’ve been by my side, hoping, praying for me this whole time. And I want to tell you how much it has meant to me.
I look forward to our visits every day. You always lift me up and pull me back. Your happiness is contagious. Please don’t lose it. I know there are so many people whose lives you’ll touch. So many people who will meet you for one second and want to know everything about you. You have that effect on people. Your smile, your laugh. Even your ugly snort. But all kidding aside, you’re beautiful inside and out.
I know you’re going to have a hard time when I’m gone. You’ll miss me. And trust me when I say I’ll miss you too. We’ve been through so much together, it’s only natural. But don’t let you missing me stop you from doing the things you were meant to do. You’re going to be great in this world, Oakley. I can feel it. You’re the reason I’m still here. Not even kidding. Without you, I would have given up ages ago. So, don’t lose that spark. Don’t lose hope. Be true to yourself and move on with your life. Don’t carry the past along with you, but don’t forget it either. And don’t forget about me.
I love you little sis.
Love, Lucas
I’m crying so hard, I can’t even read the words on the page anymore. I try to wipe my tears away as fast as they fall, but it isn’t fast enough. I close the notebook and lie on my bed, burying my face in my pillow. I need to cry. I need to let it all out and then I can get myself under control and figure out what to do next.
Hours pass. My eyes are swollen and red. I have a headache. My pillow is soaking wet where I’ve been lying and my body is sore from sobbing. I sit up and pull my sticky hair away from my face and sniff.
Lucas is right. It’s time to move on. I need to take control of my life. Be there for Carson as he goes through physical therapy. Be there for Mom and Dad, even if I don’t agree with their decisions. I’m an adult now. I’ll be eighteen in a few weeks and it’s time to figure out what I want to do with my life.
I turn the page of the notebook and grab a pen.
CHAPTER 27
The hospital isn’t busy at all. I go to the intensive care unit and look around for the nurse who’s usually there. She sees me and waves me over. “We transferred him to another room. Don’t worry, it’s a good thing. It means the doctors think he’s stable enough and doing well enough to function without all those machines.” She walks behind the big desk and pulls out a clipboard. “He’s in room 220, on the second floor. Go right in. I’m sure he’s expecting you.”
I release the breath I’m holding and she smiles. It occurs to me that I’ve never learned her name. “Thank you,” I say. “Can I get your name? I’m sorry I haven’t asked before.”
“No worries. It’s Michelle.”
“Thank you so much, Michelle. For everything.”
“Anytime. You take care of that boy, you hear? He’s a keeper from what I’ve seen.”
“Yes. He is.”
Carson’s sitting up and eating lunch when I arrive at the hospital. A grin spreads across his face as I walk into the room. “Hey,” he says and pushes his tray away.
“Don’t stop eating because of me.”
“No, I’m just finishing up. And have you ever tasted hospital food?” He makes a face and sticks out his tongue.
I laugh. Lucas had hated it too.
“How are you feeling today?”
He moves and flinches, but acts like he’s fine. “Good.”
I frown. “For real.”
“Better.”
“You don’t have to be brave in front of me.”
He searches my face for a moment and his eyes water. He shakes his head and reaches for my hand. “You know, I’ve been pretty good at being optimistic about this whole thing. But when everyone leaves and goes home, the doubt creeps in. I can’t get rid of it. It’s like it’s torturing me until I admit that I . . . that I’m scared.”
He doesn’t look at me, just stares at our hands intertwined on the bed. “I know I’m going to be okay, but I have a long recovery. They’re sending me home soon and I start physical therapy in a few weeks to learn how to strengthen my left leg since I can’t use my right anymore.” He cringes. “Every time I move it, it’s torture right now. My doctor says it will be bad for a while. And after it heals, I’ll get something called phantom pains.” He takes a deep breath and gives me a smile. “I just have to take it one day at a time. You know?”
“I know.”
“I’ll probably never surf again. Which sucks.” His shoulders sag and he sighs. “I’ll figure it out.” He looks up at me and smiles. “How are you today? Anything exciting happening out in the world?”
I can’t help but laugh, and then I go quiet. I came here to tell him something and I need to do it before I chicken out. “I read Lucas’s last letter today.”
“From that notebook?”
“Yes.”
“Are you okay?”
“I think so. I know I will be, eventually. It’s only been a month or so since he died, but I feel like I’m going to be okay. My emotions are still all over the place. So . . . raw. All I felt after he died was grief and I didn’t know what else to feel. It grabbed onto my heart and squeezed until almost nothing was left. It almost took over my life. Until I met you.”
“Me?”
“Not the first time I met you, but as I started to get to know you. You’ve helped me be myself again. And I’m sorry you had to see my depressed and grieving self. It wasn’t pretty. I know that now. And I’m going to try to leave it behind. I don’t know why you started to like me in the first place.”
He chuckles. “First of all, I love how enthusiastic you are about the world around you. How you try new things. Jumping in the ocean to surf for the first time and never looking back, Rollerblading, even though you were certain you’d crash—biking, too. Trying to teach me the guitar, the way you take pictures of everything and hang them on your wall. Picking up a starfish, not just to pick it up, but to examine it because it’s cool. You view things in your own way and I love that about you. And the way you care about those you love and will do anything to protect them. I not only saw that during the shark attack, but what you’ve told me about your relationship with your brother is priceless. Staying with him day after day in that hospital just so he wouldn’t be lonely? You’re loyal and selfless and will do anything for people you love. And, when I break down all your walls and get you to actually talk to me, you’re real. Not some fake who’s just trying to nab a boyfriend. You’re genuine. You don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. I could keep going . . .”
I’m quiet for a second, gathering my thoughts. “Can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
I remember Lucas’s letters. His advice in each one. Now is my chance to use it. I pull a stack of pictures out of my purse and give them to him. “Actually, before I do, I wanted you to have these.”
He takes the photographs and flips through them, moisture filling his eyes. “This is me.”
“Yes.”
All of them are pictures of Carson su
rfing. I wanted to capture every detail, every movement, and he had no idea I was even there. It made the pictures even better because he was just being himself. Not trying to impress anyone.
“When did you take these?”
I shrug. “When I was avoiding you I’d take walks on the beach and see you out there. I’m not a stalker, I swear.”
“These are . . .” His voice cracks. “Amazing.”
“I wanted you to have something to remember how it felt to be in the waves. Maybe you’ll get out there again someday, but for now . . .”
He grabs my hand. “Thank you. You have no idea how much these mean to me.”
“You’re welcome.” I blush and look away. I mentally prepare myself for what comes next. I look back at him. “There’s something else.”
“Okay?”
I clear my throat. “I’ve never been one to say how I feel. You’ve probably noticed that more than once—I don’t like to talk about things. Never have. But I have to tell you this.” I meet his eyes and my heart is beating so fast, it’s getting hard to breathe. “I think . . .” I stop and shake my head. “I mean, I know . . .” I stop again. How do I say this without sounding like a total moron?
“I think there may be a small chance . . . a tiny one . . . that I might be . . . actually . . .” I shake my head and smile. I’m ridiculous. “I think I’m in love with you.”
He’s staring at me and his lips part slightly.
“I had to tell you. I don’t want to regret not telling you.”
His face softens and he breaks into a grin. “I don’t think, I know,” he says. “Since you fell off that first wave and went right back in, even after you were slammed into the beach, I knew.”
I laugh. “That wasn’t one of my finest moments.”
“It was to me.” He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a second.
“You’re hurting. Can they give you any more pain medication?”
“Pretty sure I’ve used up all the morphine in the hospital.”
“They gave you morphine?”
“Yep.”
“I didn’t know they still used that stuff.”
“They do.”
“How on Earth are you talking to me right now?”
He shrugs. “I’m not really sure. You do sound a little echoey though.”
“That’s it? I’d be curled up in a ball and rocking back and forth.” I shiver. Heavy-duty medicine is not my friend. “One time I took some really strong cough syrup and when I blew my nose, cartoon characters came out.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Were they green?”
I punch him in the arm—softly, since I swear he could break any second. “No. Like Mickey Mouse and his friends. I thought I was losing my mind.”
“Uh . . . I’m pretty sure you were.”
Great. Now he thinks I’m a crazy.
He closes his eyes again.
“I really should let you rest. I’m sure you need some sleep.”
“I’m fine.”
“Right.” I stand and lean over, my lips hovering right above his. “Promise me you’ll get some sleep. I’ll be back later, okay? I need to have a chat with my mom. If I’m not back in a few hours, send help.” I smile at the look he’s giving me. “We just don’t talk, so who knows what will happen.”
“Okay. That makes more sense.”
I lean down and touch his lips lightly with mine. I pull away and push his hair out of his eyes.
“Is that it?” he asks with a chuckle.
“For now. Go to sleep.”
“You’re no fun.” His words are sort of slurred and he closes his eyes.
“I know. I’ll see you later.”
He’s already snoring.
I step out of his room and find Mom. She’s in the waiting room, just as she said she’d be. She’s really focused on some soap opera on TV when I walk up.
“Enjoying yourself?” I ask.
She almost jumps out of her seat before turning to look at me. “Oh, you scared me.” Her hand moves toward her chest and she takes a deep breath. “You’re finished already?”
“He’s tired. I told him I’d come back later.”
“Oh. Good. Sleep is good.”
“So . . . What do you want to do?”
“Why don’t we go grab some lunch in the cafeteria? Then you can come back and hang out with Carson again.”
“You really don’t have to stay here and wait for me.”
“I want to.”
I reach out a hand and help her up. I surprise both of us when I wrap my arms around her and pull her into a hug. She hugs me back and we stay like that for a few minutes at least. When I pull away, she’s smiling. “Thank you,” she says.
I slip my arm through hers and lead her down the hallway. As we walk, I can’t help but glance at her a few times to make sure she’s real. She’s been so absent in my life for so long, I’m not sure how she’ll make up the time, but at least she’s trying. And so am I.
CHAPTER 28
It’s been six weeks since the attack. Carson’s been doing physical therapy and has recovered very well. He’s back to his old self, minus his leg. He’s a pro on his crutches and has even gone back into the water at the beach. Not too far, but still. He’s braver than I am.
I know Carson will be okay. The doctors want to fit him with a prosthetic leg eventually, so that’s good. Days are long and frustrating for him being on crutches all the time but he’s determined to make the best of it. And I know he will. He’s just like that. Positive and always looking on the bright side. I wish I could do that. And I’m happy to say I’m working on it.
As we sit in Jo’s boat, I grab Carson’s hand, my nerves getting the best of me. He smiles at me before looking out into the water. “I really can’t believe you’re doing this. I thought you’d want to stay a million miles away from the ocean now.”
“Seriously,” Lani says. “My brother is officially crazy.” She frowns and I give her half a smile.
Carson shakes his head and looks over at his sister. “I don’t blame the shark, Lani. It’s just a shark. I’m pretty sure it didn’t think ‘oh look, let’s eat the human.’”
She frowns. “Still.”
Jo stops the boat and I grimace as she pulls a chunk of raw meat out of a barrel. She attaches it to a hook and throws it out into the ocean.
“There have been quite a few great white sightings around here, so it shouldn’t be long.”
We sit in silence. The only sounds are the water smacking the side of the boat and Lani’s humming.
Carson shifts next to me and stretches out his good leg. His other leg is wrapped like it usually is, just below the knee. It’s healing nicely but it’s hard for me to look at it. Not because it’s gross or anything, but because the attack comes back full force in my mind. But no one needs to know that.
We sit and chat about Lani’s surfing competition coming up and how Carson’s physical therapy has been going. After about an hour goes by, I finally see it. A large dorsal fin coming slowly toward the boat.
“There’s one,” Jo says. “A big one.”
Carson leans forward and rests his arm on the side of the boat. The shark circles where the piece of meat is, coming within a few feet of us.
I squeeze his hand. “You okay?”
He nods and squeezes back. “I’m fine,” he says. “Even though one almost tore me apart. At the time I didn’t realize how big they actually are.”
I shiver. The shark swims by and it’s easily ten to twelve feet long.
I glance at Carson, who’s looking at me.
“Are you okay?” The corner of his mouth twitches.
“Yes. I’m fine. Why?”
“You’re kind of squeezing my hand off.”
“Oh!” I release my hold on his hand and he laughs.
“I keep hearing the Jaws music running through my head,” Lani says. “It’s starting to freak me out.”
I glance at her. “Me too.” Fo
r real.
It really is a sight to see though. Even if it’s a scary one. I wonder if this shark is the one who bit Carson. There’s no way to ever know.
The shark swims under the water and we lose sight of it until it appears under the piece of meat. It latches on with its huge jaws and shakes it in attempt to tear it off the hook. It lets go, swims around again, and goes right back to the meat, biting and tearing pieces off. Within minutes, there’s nothing left.
I’m glad we’re on a big boat. That thing could rip a small boat to pieces. I watch it swim around a little more and then it disappears under the water.
“That was awesome,” Carson says.
“Are you kidding me?” I stare at him in disbelief. How can he be so calm when the animal that bit his leg off is swimming so close?
“What? It was.” He pulls me to him and I lean against his chest. “It’s okay, Oakley. I’m not gonna blame the shark. It didn’t know what it was doing. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
I nod and wonder why I’m feeling so many emotions. Sadness, anger, bitterness that this had to happen. I’m not even the one who lost my leg and I’m doing worse than he is.
He kisses my head as Jo reels in the fishing line and I work on pulling myself together.
“Doin’ okay?” Jo asks.
“Fine,” Carson says. “Thanks for bringing us out here. I needed this.”
Jo smiles. “Anytime.”
Jo drops us off at home a few hours later and Carson and I head to the beach. Carson’s getting used to the crutches but it’s still hard for him to maneuver them when they sink into the sand.
We head toward the pier and I gaze at the surfers in the water.
“You ever gonna go out again?” Carson asks.
I glance at him staring out into the waves. I smile and squeeze his hand. “Not any time soon.”
To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever get in the ocean to surf again. The memories of the shark attack are too fresh in my mind to even think about it. But maybe in a few years. Or ten. Maybe someday I’ll do it again. I’m definitely not counting it out forever.
Love, Lucas Page 19
