“Almost.” She hopped off her chair. “I’ll be back in a minute. I need to get something.” She ran for the door, only to stop and look at Chase. “There’s a present under my bed, will you get it?”
“Yep.” Chase darted from the room.
“Don’t move, Mom,” Sadie said, pointing at Kayla. “I’ll be right back.”
Kayla pointed back at her daughter. “I’ll be right here protecting the cake.”
A few minutes past and Chase came back with a present. He put it on the table amongst the other packages. Kayla wondered what was in it. Sadie—or some other tiny fingers—had wrapped the rectangular item.
“Is that from you?”
Chase shook his head. “Huh-uh. I don’t know what it is.”
Kayla turned to Penelope, whose finger inched toward the corner of the cake. “Did you wrap it?”
“Nope. Sadie did.”
“What is it?”
Penelope didn’t have the chance to answer because Sadie came back into the room, announcing herself. “We’re here. Let’s party.”
Kayla glanced up to find Ian standing in the arched doorway. He looked a little shell-shocked with wide eyes and a forced smile. Dressed in workout pants, a wife beater and flip-flops, he obviously hadn’t planned on joining the rah-rah.
“Sorry to crash. But she didn’t exactly give me a choice.” The kinda like her mother went unspoken, but she saw the words raging in his eyes.
Sadie pulled out Ian’s chair, the same one he’d been using since he’d bulldozed his way into their lives, the one right next to Kayla. She slid over to the side of her chair, putting more space between them. Talk about awkward.
Maybe it was time to give her kids a heads-up and release Ian from their lives. Permanently.
Sadie opened her presents, seeming to save the one she’d wrapped for very last. When it was the final one remaining, she knew it for a fact.
“Who’s that from?” Kayla asked.
“Ian.” Sadie grinned at him.
“What? I didn’t—”
“Yes, you did.” A tug and a riiiip later revealed a Hello Kitty book. The same one from the book fair. Paper free, she hugged the book to her chest. “You said it was your present. I waited, just like you said. I love it. It’s my favorite. Thank you.”
Ian’s face softened, the hardness in his eyes eased and a smile grabbed hold of his lips. “You’re welcome, sweetheart. I’m so glad you love it.”
“After cake will you read it to me?” She blinked at him, hopeful. “Please.”
Kayla’s throat tightened, her eyes stung. There was more at stake than just her and Ian’s feelings. Her kids were emotionally invested. They loved this man, the sexy guy next door, as much as she did. Ian so obviously loved the kids, but did he still love her?
Was she willing to find out? She wasn’t sure. She knew asking him to give up his dream wasn’t fair. In fact, the ultimatum had been cruel. But she couldn’t handle living in fear every day that today would be the one he didn’t come home.
“Mom, are you gonna cut the cake?”
Kayla blinked, bringing her family into focus. Well, her family…and Ian.
Ian opened his mouth and she expected him to ask if she was okay, but he clamped it closed instead. The muscle in his jaw worked, probably chewing on the words he wanted to growl at her.
Kayla picked up the knife and slid it into the white cake with pink and white frosting. She put a piece of cake onto a plate and gave it to Sadie.
“Thank you.” She stabbed at the frosting with a finger, licking off the tip.
She sliced another piece and felt the cut in her chest. Avoiding Ian sliced her just as deep. He teased with Penelope, asked Chase what his favorite kind of cake was, and complimented Sadie on her present-wrapping ability.
Nothing for Kayla.
Not that she wanted anything from him.
Except his heart.
She bit into her lower lip. She wouldn’t cry. She blinked, her eyelashes fluttering so quickly she felt the breeze.
“I think I should go.” Ian pushed back from the table.
“You can’t go,” Sadie protested. “You promised to read my new book to me.” Her daughter didn’t attempt to control her tears. One big, fat one rolled down her cheek. “It’s my birthday and I say you stay.”
Kayla actually felt sorry for him. No matter how hard he tried, the women under this roof weren’t very good at offering him a choice. They demanded. They dictated. They destroyed good things.
“Don’t cry, birthday girl.” Defeated, he slumped back down in his chair. “I’ll stay and read you your new book. You’re right, it’s your birthday.”
Unable to handle whatever she’d see in his eyes, she plated a piece of cake and handed it to him without so much as a glance. He passed it to Chase, who dug in immediately. Another plate, another pass, this time to Penelope. The final plate stayed in front of him. He picked up a fork and lifted a bite to his mouth. Kayla did the same with her piece, focusing only on the cake she bought because she didn’t have time to bake it herself.
This was the first birthday cake she hadn’t made herself. It wasn’t bad, but homemade was always better. Or maybe it just made her feel like a better mother. Regardless, this whole experience was one she’d have to revisit again in about six weeks, when Chase turned eleven. The question remained, when the time came would Ian be sitting at the table actually enjoying his cake?
***
The next morning, Sadie crawled into bed next to Kayla before the sun pinkened the sky. The little girl burrowed her seven-year-old body in close to her mother and sighed. “I love you, Mommy.”
Kayla snuggled her daughter. “I love you, too, baby girl.”
“Mommy.” Sadie rolled over.
Kayla could just make out her daughter’s perfect profile. “Yes?”
“I need to talk to Daddy.”
The request surprised her, her insides lighting up like a live, exposed wire. Yeah, she’d really like to talk with him too.
“You can talk to him anywhere.” Kayla wasn’t sure that was the case, but it sounded good.
“No, I want to go talk to him. At the cemetery.”
Goosebumps dotted Kayla’s skin and a shiver wriggled up her spine despite the warmth and weight of the blankets. She’d never thought to visit the cemetery, let alone take the kids there. Leon’s body might rest there, but the thing that made him him no longer resided there. Not that she had a clue where the hell he was.
And maybe that was Sadie’s point. Maybe the only thing left of him was the remains buried six feet under the soil. How depressing.
“We can go after school.”
“I would feel better if we went before school. I wanted to talk to him on my birthday, but you were busy. I want to talk to him this morning. I need to talk to him.”
“We’d better get up and moving, then. Hop up.” Kayla threw back the covers, more exhausted than she’d been moments before.
The morning routine went easier than ever. The kids hurried, eager to talk to Daddy before school. It seemed they all needed to chat with Leon.
Deserted, except for a few crows caw-cawing and flitting from headstone to headstone, the cemetery held a quiet eerie mood. Kayla stopped the SUV and all the kids unbuckled. Doors opened, feet hit the gravel road and darted off toward their father’s final resting place. Kayla wasn’t quite so eager to talk while no one listened.
She approached in time to hear Chase say, “…going great. We miss you. We’re getting by though.” He dug his fingers into the collar of his shirt, dragging it up to dab at his eyes. “Love you, Dad.”
Penelope strode over to the grave next to Leon’s and pulled a flower from an arrangement there. She toddled back to place it on Leon’s headstone. “Lo’ you, Daddy.”
The two kids, having said their piece, headed back for the car. Sadie scowled at Kayla. “I want to talk to Daddy alone.”
Without a word, Kayla offered her back and w
andered away, but not so far she couldn’t hear every word her daughter spoke.
“Hi, Daddy. I’m seven.” Rustling had Kayla looking over her shoulder. Tears stabbed hard and fast when Sadie retrieved the real reason they’d come today. “I brought you a piece of cake, Daddy. I know white cake is your favorite.” She plopped down, criss-cross-applesaucing her legs. “I miss you. But we’re doing good. We have Ian. You remember Ian. You liked him. You were right, he likes Mommy a lot.” Kayla jerked her head away when Sadie glanced her way. “And I think Mommy likes him too. Don’t worry about us, Dad. We won’t ever forget you. Love you.”
And with that, she hopped to her feet and walked away, blowing him a kiss as she jumped into the SUV.
Kayla’s turn. Her heart, filled to bursting, thundered against her ribcage. Each step became harder than the last. She didn’t want to pour her heart out to a cold rock, but as she knelt down and brushed a few leaves from the stone she opened her mouth.
“Oh, Leon, I miss you so much.” She hadn’t realized she’d started to cry until a tear splashed onto the dark gray stone. “I’m trying…. This time without you has been hell and I’m trying my very best to survive, but I’m screwing up all over the place. We even had an orange light bulb in the laundry room for a couple days.” She laughed in spite of her own misery. “I had to buy Sadie’s birthday cake. The laundry is out of control. We eat out more than I cook.”
She glanced over to check on the kids. Penelope waved cheerfully. “You were right about Ian.” She paused, almost expecting a deep I-told-you-so to rumble on the wind. “Ian loves me. And I love him. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but…yeah. I’m crazy about him. He wants to be a firefighter though.” More tears, clenched throat. “A freakin’ firefighter. Can you believe it? As if losing you…”
She shook her head. “I made him choose, Leon, and I lost. He didn’t choose me.” Her heart broke all over again. “I’m such an idiot.”
Then his words came to her thoughts, the ones he’d said the night before that fateful day. “Promise me if something does happen to me, you’ll move on. I want you to love again. I want you to be happy.”
Imagined or real, she’d gotten the insight she needed from Leon. She’d not been living, only barely surviving. Ian had awakened her. She needed him in her life, for as long as she could have him. If he died in a year, fighting a fire, she’d cherish the year she had with him.
A crow caw-cawed and she glowered up at it. “Be careful, I may have to eat you next.”
Twenty-Seven
All day Kayla’s heart hurt. She knew what she had to do, and by lunch time she was faking sick. Not really faking, her entire body ached and her stomach was nauseous.
“No, I don’t think it’s anything contagious. I’m gonna head home and sleep it off.” Yes, that was a bald-faced lie. She had no intention of sleeping. Although, she did hope the afternoon ended with her in bed. Just not alone.
“Take care of yourself,” Dr. Monroe said, patting her on the shoulder. “If you can’t make it tomorrow, that’s okay. I’d rather have you well, than pushing yourself too hard. You do have sick time, you know?”
No, she hadn’t known. “Thank you. I’ll let you know in the morning.”
She gathered her things and headed for home. She really should stop and pick up Penelope. Nah, Pene could take her nap at daycare while Kayla made things right with Ian. Oh, she hoped he’d still have her.
When she decided to screw things up, she couldn’t settle for bronze or even silver, Kayla went for the gold. It wasn’t the National Anthem echoing through her thoughts though. She only heard, “I’m done. It’s about damned time I lived for me. You want me to choose? That’s damned fine with me. I. Choose. Me.”
Her heart pounded with the tattoo, I. Choose. Me. I. Choose. Me. I. Choose. Me.
She knocked on her chest with her fist. “Yeah, well, I choose you too, Ian.”
She watched out the front window, waiting to pounce on him the moment he pulled into his driveway. Checking her watch, she worried. He was late. But did it count as late if he didn’t know she was waiting?
Finally, an hour and a half later than she’d expected him, the KKLV branded Explorer slowed to a stop in his driveway. He got out slammed the door and strode inside. He didn’t spare a glance her way. Why would he? He didn’t know she watched. If he did, would it make a difference?
She was about to find out.
Gathering what little dignity she had, she opened the door and walked outside. The bright sunlight warmed her skin, blinded her eyes, making her sneeze. She paused in the landscaping rocks marking the property line. She was going to be sick. Pressing a hand to her churning stomach, she continued her quest.
No turning back.
If she played the coward now, she may never make the situation right.
His door looked so ominous. The shadow casted by the overhang hid her from the autumn sun, chilling her skin. She shivered. As if having an out of body experience, Kayla watched her hand reach for the doorbell. Higher reasoning requested the pull back. Two more attempts, back and forth. Curling her hand into a fist, she knocked. Three sharp raps. Do or die. Kill or be killed. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. No turning back.
This. Was. It.
Nothing happened.
Instead of relief, the beige door fueled her inner burn, ignited her desire to ask for forgiveness. If he didn’t accept it, that wasn’t her problem. Then it was all on him.
She knocked again. Five times.
Still nothing. Shifting from foot-to-foot, she waited, feeling like an unwanted pest. Forget it, she wasn’t leaving until she said what she had to say.
He didn’t have a choice in this.
She nearly laughed out loud. She was right back to his choice again. His choice. She’d given him two. He’d chosen wrong. She’d make sure he realized it.
Right. Freaking. Now.
She knocked, another five times in rapid succession, rang the bell twice, then pounded on the door with her fist, nearly falling in when the focus of her attention flung inward.
“What?” He glowered down at her. His features softened then hardened between one heartbeat and the next. His sigh conveyed a weariness she completely understood. “Why are you here?”
She sucked in a deep breath, fought to keep her emotions in check, her tears at bay, and asked the question that had been plaguing her since the moment he’d walked out of her kitchen.
“Do you miss me yet?”
He didn’t answer. Just stared at her. Her breath froze in her lungs, her heart ceased mid-beat. A thousand emotions played through his stare. She saw them all. He loved her and hated her, desired her and wanted nothing more than to push her away. His nostrils flared with each suck of breath and she continued to watch, hoping the slot machine of emotions would end with a jackpot.
Time passed, even as it stood still. She didn’t dare move. Her eyes moved over his face. She ached for him. Wanted to tell him as much, but had already asked a question. She’d wait for his answer. Until the end of time, if that’s how long it took for him to process.
Finally, his anger melted, pooling around their feet, replaced by something she recognized the second before he lunged for her. None too gently he clasped her by the back of the neck and jerked her against him. His lips crashed against her, possessing her, owning her, branding her. Tilting his head, he deepened the kiss. She felt it in her toes. Still holding her tight, he withdrew the assault.
“I miss you so…damned…much,” he said against her lips.
Sliding his hands down her back, he dug his fingers into her ass and hauled her up his body. She wrapped her legs around his waist, crossing her ankles. It’d take the Jaws of Life to pry her from him. She’d never let go again. He carried her toward the stairs, his kisses devouring her. His tongue tasted from collarbone to ear and she purred.
“Where’s Pene?” he whispered.
“Daycare.”
“Thank you, God.”
Ian thanked God again for the blessing Kayla was. He’d known the conversation needed to be had, but was waiting until all the pieces had fallen into place. It seemed, yet again, she’d trumped his choice, called his bluff.
And he couldn’t be happier.
She turned onto her side, facing him. The sheet fell to the mattress and his gaze landed on her breasts. He didn’t doubt they had a tractor beam for his eyeballs. He reflected on their taste and how receptive they were to his attention.
“Ian?”
He flicked his eyes to meet hers. Busted. Heat burned his cheeks. “Sorry. I was…distracted.”
One light brown brow rose. “I noticed.” She drew the sheet up around her, covering herself. “I love you.”
He traced a finger over her bare arm. “I love you, too.”
“But that doesn’t negate the need for us to hash things out.”
Ian’s heart stuttered. Please don’t leave me.
She bit on her lip and moved to get herself upright. She leaned against the headboard, careful to keep the sheet covering the best parts of herself.
Ian sat next to her, facing her. He crossed his legs in the criss-cross-applesauce way. He smiled, thinking of Sadie explaining that was what it was called.
“Ian, I love you.” She raised her hand when he opened his mouth to reaffirm his love for her. “Please don’t interrupt. I need to say this. All of it. And I’m not sure I’ll be able to if I lose my nerve.” She sighed. “Here goes. I love you, Ian. More than anything. Every day since Leon died, I’ve thought of him. Something he said or did or something that drove me batty. I cherish the love we shared, and when he died I never thought I’d love again, let alone so soon and so completely.”
She paused when her voice broke. Her eyes glistened under her scrutiny. His own eyes stung, his own throat tightened with emotion.
“If I let you walk out of my life, Ian, I’d be so miserable without you. I want you in my life for as long as that is. A day, a year, a lifetime. I will love you, Ian McCallister. If you need to fight fires to fulfill your dream, then I will support you. I will love you.” The first tear fell. “I love you no matter what. I lo— Oh, hell, I’m rambling. This sounded so much better in my head.”
Hard Break (Deadlines & Diamonds, #5) Page 23
