Beyond lay a blueness of endless ocean.
My thoughts tried to settle on the promise of calm that would eventually be mine—all I had to do was get this inevitable breakup behind me. Though something told me that I’d never find the peace I craved in life.
Standing before Louis’ glass wall and looking out onto the vast stretch of lawn below, I was finally able to relax a bit. I’d put distance between myself and Xavier an hour ago. That man was the equivalent of kryptonite. He was an addiction I couldn’t kick. No matter what my mind told me to do to extract myself from him, my body refused to let him go.
I considered my weary expression reflected in the glass, revealing how haunted I looked. This bespoke tuxedo and cleanly shaved jaw didn’t hide what was going on inside me.
I was unraveling.
I’d been strong all these years because Xavier had been by my side. I’d opened my heart and let his love in. It was time to conquer my vulnerability…hide my feelings. No small feat when dealing with a man like Xavier who read every nuance of an expression.
My bowtie was constricting. I untied it and let it hang around my neck. I’d go formal again when it was time to step out there…
Out on the lawn sat a hundred tables and chairs arranged for this evening’s party—a charity event Louis hosted each year to raise funds for the local orphanage. I played my part, too, in running the grand manor named after my wife. We all wanted to help make sure the staff was worthy to teach and care for the kids who’d been dealt a challenging start in life.
Tonight was also a chance for Louis to do what he loved, which was play the piano for an audience. It also served to make him look like a man with no secrets who was willing to open the lower floor of his home and let guests roam about.
He would never leave the island—this was the arrangement. A deal set in stone decades ago and Louis admirably carried the burden.
I’d never get used to the inside of this grand mansion. His home sat minutes from mine by car. Although there was an alternative route, it was the best choice while staff was circling the mansion.
Each room was decorated with the grandeur of a palace. If you were into gold and marble, you’d be happy here, I guess. Louis didn’t care much for either. Though he seemed at home despite the isolation. Or maybe it was the fact he never complained, never shared how much his home felt like a prison.
This place is what guilt buys.
Louis suddenly appeared in the glass wall’s reflection—he was standing a few feet behind me. I turned to face him, giving him a warm smile.
He looked suave in his black tuxedo. His short hair stood up in its usual mussed style. Had he been allowed to attend Oxford, as he’d once wanted, he’d have fit right in with those foppish boys.
Louis was holding two glasses of champagne. “Where are the others?”
I shoved my hands into my pockets. “Em was taking forever to get ready.”
“You know that’s kind of normal for women.”
“I was giving them some time alone…”
I couldn’t share that this morning I’d woken up with my lovers on either side of me. That it wrenched my heart to spend any more time with them because I knew we couldn’t sustain our relationship. Yet, for a while, it had felt like paradise had returned to find me.
But I was stealing time I didn’t deserve.
Emily had asked for a passionate goodbye, and last night one had been spectacularly delivered. My wrists tingled from how she’d bound me—and my cock twitched with how liberating being tied up had felt. My bruised lips were testament to Xavier’s fiery passion.
Not having either of them again would be the equivalent of drowning.
“How’s your head?” Louis asked.
I rose from daydreaming. “Fine.”
“Does it hurt?”
“Itches.”
“Can you drink?”
I held out my hand for the glass. “Let’s see.”
I needed a shot of alcohol. Soon Xavier would be here. I’d have to face him with the news that our reunion couldn’t continue. I took a sip of champagne, then another, hoping to deaden my pain.
“Are you going to sue the fella?”
“Who?” Then I realized Louis was talking about the jet ski kid. “It was an accident.”
So far, everything Xavier had turned up about the teenager proved he was innocent of malice—as innocent as you can be after running over someone with your jet ski.
Louis moved closer to me, staring out at the view. “You’ve got yourself in a bit of a pickle. Want to talk about it?”
“In what regard?”
“The way you look at her, James.” He gave me a knowing glance. “The way she looks at you.”
“I’m deeply fond of Emily.”
“She feels comfortable enough with you to run around naked.”
“I’m easy-going.”
“Are you having an affair with her?”
“It’s not what you think—”
“Don’t hurt Xavier.”
“We’d never do anything to hurt each other. You know how close we are.”
“So why was he staying here and not with you? While Emily was with you?”
“How long was he here, Louis?”
“Ask him.”
Louis had always been protective of Xavier.
“Xavier’s happiness is more important than my own,” I told him.
What he didn’t know was that I was about to prove this beyond all measure. Soon, I would deliver the news I was stepping away from this ménage à trois. Xavier needed protecting from me.
I’d watch over them until my last breath. This was my burden to carry. My cross to bear was enduring a loveless life.
Louis patted my back. “Granny sends her love.”
That made me smile. “Send my regards to her.”
He smirked. “She wants me to keep an eye on you.”
“I’m flattered.” It was endearing.
“She wants to see you…move on,” he said. “Heal from all that stuff with Victoria.”
“I’m doing fine.” I was getting used to this lie.
“She adored your father.”
“The feeling was mutual.”
“James…”
I turned to face him.
“I want to date. Not just have these one-night stands. I want to find someone I can marry.”
I felt a jolt of concern. “You’ve met someone?”
“Admired from afar.”
“Send me her name and everything you know about her—”
“Can I get to know her first?”
“No, Louis, you can’t.”
“What’s the harm?”
Then I realized the truth. “Will she be here tonight?”
He stared out at the water, his stubborn side surfacing. “No.”
Which probably meant that she would be and he didn’t want me to scare her off.
I patted his back. “We’ll talk later.”
Xavier was standing in the doorway.
“Hey,” I greeted him.
“Very nice,” said Louis, admiring Xavier’s tuxedo.
He strolled toward us with that long stride and gorgeous smile.
Why the hell did he have to look like this…?
The black tuxedo showed off his sculpted frame to perfection. His dark blond hair looked messy, probably from the drive over in the open-top Jeep. His clean-shaven jaw highlighted chiseled features and his bright blue eyes brought out his Norwegian heritage.
“Did you have the roof down?” I scolded him, but in truth it was because he stirred something inside me I couldn’t define. Xavier looked so damn sexy. His casual swagger and dashing smile made my cock stir.
I adjusted my stance.
Xavier brushed his fingers through his hair self-consciously. “It was a great drive over. Even if it was short. The views are spectacular. I wanted to get out of the car and go roll around on the sand.” He rested his hand on his chest. “Only
thing that stopped me is this pricey get-up.”
“Where’s Emily?” It came out harsh.
He pointed. “Checking out the party. She brought her violin.”
“Good,” said Louis. “I look forward to hearing her play.”
“She’s quite something,” I offered. “Isn’t she, Xavier?”
“Em’s talented.” He shook his head in awe. “Every time I hear her play I’m just as impressed as I was the first time.”
Emily appeared on the lawn, pausing to look at the ocean view. She was dressed in a long red shimmering gown, the material hugging her curves and showing off her hourglass figure. When she turned and peered up at us, I had to catch my breath.
She waved.
I exhaled slowly, deeply moved by her beauty. “That dress…”
“I bought it for her today,” said Xavier. “Isn’t it gorgeous on her?”
My brain tried to unscramble itself. She looked exquisite, like a rare and precious jewel that was unreachable.
Her taste…
The thought of never having her again was ruining me.
Louis noticed my reaction, and a look of warning appeared in his eyes. He thought I was admiring her a little too much in front of Xavier.
“Well done, Xavier.” I threw in a smile. “Good choice on the gown.”
Louis continued to glare at me. “I’ll go and show Emily where she’ll be performing.”
We waited until he was out of earshot before speaking.
“She looks stunning, Xavier,” I said.
He smirked. “She’s not wearing any panties.”
“Did you have to fucking tell me that?”
“Thought you might like access to her clit.” He bit his lip suggestively.
I got hard before I could stop myself. With all the blood rushing down there, my brain failed to reply with a witty repertoire. I was literally stunned into silence by her beauty.
Xavier waved down at her. “She’s excited to play.”
Emily gave us a dazzling smile.
How the hell could I be in the same vicinity as Emily now? Not touching her was going to be nearly impossible. “I may not stay…”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Anyway, Louis wants you here.”
“Louis secretly hates me.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“I’m the gatekeeper who holds the golden key.”
Xavier rubbed his hand up and down my back to comfort me. “James…”
I kept my focus on the ocean. The words I’d practiced saying running through my mind. I had tried to find the right ones that would end us with compassion. “I’ve been thinking, Xavier.”
“I want to show you something.”
He walked away and I watched my opportunity to have that chat disappear. Following Xavier, I crossed the living room and went down a hallway, bracing for the onslaught of gaudy décor. That family had Louis contained in a shiny cage.
Xavier led me through a doorway into a library that would make any scholar envious—it was filled with books collected over a lifetime.
I caught up with Xavier. “Louis suspects there’s something going on.”
“With you and me?”
“Me and Em.”
“I’m okay with that.”
“I’m not, Xavier. I’m trying to project normality.”
“Don’t take everything so seriously.”
“Unlike you?”
“Exactly. I’m not going to let what others think of me dictate my happiness anymore.”
“Well, good for you.” As if it was that easy.
He fished around in his pocket. “Do you think she’ll like it?”
My chest tightened because I knew what was inside that small black velvet box. He lifted the lid to reveal an oval sapphire—at least 12-carats surrounded by diamonds.
“What do you think?” He studied me.
“It’s…” Spectacular. “Are you proposing tonight?”
“I’m undecided.”
A wall of guilt crashed into me because I’d confiscated the last engagement ring that he’d given her. “I still have the other one.”
“The other one is tainted,” he said flatly.
“Right.” Bad idea.
He flashed a smile. “I’ve forgiven you.”
This ring was a new start for him.
For them…
All I had to do was be prepared for the agony of losing him again. I’d faced it once—months ago, when he’d left me and fallen into the arms of the beautiful and talented Emily. At first, I’d been reassured that he was safe…that he was being loved, even. But as the days without him had gone by, I’d felt more and more like I was living in the wreckage of that decision—of having told him that permanence wasn’t in our future.
You’re about to repeat that mistake…
Still, I didn’t deserve any kind of happiness with these two.
“Why?” I heard myself say.
He looked confused. “Why what?”
“I mean, how can you have forgiven me?”
“I know you, James. I know what you went through.”
“Still…”
“Wait,” he said brightly. “I have something else.” He removed a small envelope from his jacket pocket and opened it. A gold band fell into his palm.
I offered a nod of approval. “Very nice.”
“This one’s yours, James.”
My jaw slackened as I processed his words.
What just happened?
He tucked it into my breast pocket. “I know you’re not ready to wear it.”
“Are you asking me to…”
He leaned back a little. “You don’t like the location? You love books. I thought proposing in a library would be cute.”
My heart hammered in my chest. “I do…love books, I mean.”
His look of devastation caused my heart to flinch. “It’s a kind thought.”
“I figured after last night…”
Last night I’d shown him with more than words how much I cared about him and Emily, with an unrelenting passion. All we’d done was fall sleep and then wake to make love again…a cycle of passion that had us all sleeping late this morning. Xavier and Emily had woken me by delivering a mind-shattering blow job that made my balls ache when I recalled it.
We were too perfect. But it was a happiness we couldn’t sustain.
Xavier’s expression turned uncertain.
“I don’t need one,” I said. “A ring, I mean.”
He looked worried. “Don’t say you’ve changed your mind?”
“I was never swayed, Xavier.” It hurt like hell to say it.
Xavier stepped back, his face twisted in agony. He spun around and headed out, slamming the door behind him. His sudden absence left me bereft.
Shit.
I was an idiot.
My empathy for his pain was too strong to pull back from. I hurried after him, fleeing down the corridor and quickly closing the gap between us.
I grabbed his shoulder. “Wait.”
“There’s nothing else to say, James,” he said, his voice cracking with emotion.
Stepping forward, I cupped his face in my hands and crushed my lips to his, lashing his tongue with mine, kissing him fervently, trying to get him to understand I was doing this for him.
I would stand guard at the doors of their relationship until my last day on earth. I’d be their knight in shining armor from afar.
There was no denying that being this close to him was like finding my breath after being held underwater. It was a momentary sanctuary in a world that I no longer felt a part of.
Nipping his lip, I forced him to surrender…to understand what I was trying to do for him…and for Emily.
Finally, he relented, relaxing against me and opening his mouth wider, allowing my tongue to lash his with more affection, showing him what I’d failed to say—his wellbeing was more important than mine.
Agony constricted my heart because deep
down I knew happiness would always be one heartbeat away for me. Love was for others, for people who were free to give themselves completely to another. Not for men like me with blood on their hands, who were courted by death. Men who were monsters.
Undeserving pleasure surged through me and I went with it…a rush of aggression in response to the way this man made me feel. Xavier brought light to fight my darkness, clearing the shadows away with his brightness. He deserved to be punished like this for being so annoyingly perfect.
I broke our kiss and swiftly shoved his back against the wall, my body pressing into his.
Xavier trembled against me.
“You may not want to get on your knees for me,” I scolded him playfully. “But I have no problem with kneeling before you.”
He swallowed hard at my suggestion.
Leaning in, I nipped his ear and brushed my lips over his cheek, returning to his mouth again to find it soft and relenting.
God, this is my prayer. Give me these final moments to shower him with affection and show him how much I love him. Let him see I love him so much I’m willing to let him go.
My hand brushed the material over his erection, my fingertips tracing his full length, feeling him stiffen beneath my caress. My fingers found his zipper, this need to pleasure him growing wilder.
He let out a breathless moan.
“Surrender,” I groaned into his mouth. “One last time.”
“James.” He gripped my wrist and eased my hand away.
One more kiss, then all I had to do was walk away.
“Listen to me,” he said.
I pulled back.
“You’re not allowed to kiss me like this,” he said huskily. “Not until you’re wearing our ring.”
He stepped around me and walked away.
My hand snapped to my breast pocket where he’d slipped in the gold band. Feeling dazed, I leaned back against the wall as I tried to regain my composure.
It was torture, watching him leave.
Xavier spun around to face me as he continued walking backwards. “You have your rules, James. I have mine.”
He turned the corner and was gone.
Emily
Being around a grand piano of this caliber sent chills down my spine. Reverently, I placed my hand on the maple wood and admired its majestic design. I couldn’t wait to hear Louis play. This expensive instrument had been wheeled outside and placed on a patio near the sprawling lawn, which overlooked the ocean.
Pervade Duet: Pervade London & Pervade Montego Bay Page 46
