“I fucking deserve it.” He waved his hand through the air. “Now you know what kind of monster I am. If anything happens to you, I’ll be praying for your swift death, too. How does it feel?”
“The reason wasn’t because she’d be disfigured if she survived, James. You would have been there for her no matter what.”
“And you know that for sure?”
“Yes, I do.”
“How do you know?” He tugged his T-shirt down.
“Because you blew up your life, Ballad. You resigned your commission with the Royal Navy and joined MI6. You left your beloved profession for her. Then you went on a killing rampage to get revenge for what they did to Victoria. You proved you would do anything to get justice for her—including risking your own life. Obviously, you would have done anything to keep her alive.”
He stared at me, furious. “You are an abomination, Xavier. Your brilliant mind is a fucking curse.”
I exhaled slowly, keeping my reaction cool. “It’s not the first time someone’s mentioned that,” I admitted.
He was walking away, returning to the path that led back to where the helicopter had landed.
You failed him.
I glanced back at the clear lagoon, my feet refusing to move. Water had a way of healing…but sometimes, it was merely a place to drown.
Xavier
An empty bottle of Appleton Estate Rum rested on the kitchen counter.
I stared at it for the longest time, second guessing myself for monumentally fucking up last night. I was the reason that bottle had been consumed.
With Emily still over at Louis’ place, I’d woken this morning with nothing to distract me. No cheeky grin from my girl, no crazy life musings from her that always set my day off right.
I had to face the haunting fact that I’d only succeeded in hurting James when I’d flown him to Dunn’s River Falls and made him relive the most agonizing time in his life.
A misfire…
With all that rum inside him, the fallout from last night was going to mean he’d kick off this morning with one hell of a hangover. As I was responsible, I set about making it right, flicking on the coffeemaker so I could brew him a hot drink and pouring some orange juice. Even though he’d probably not want it, I made him breakfast.
Carrying the tray holding my peace offering, I ascended the stairs to his room, running through all the things I’d say to explain my reasoning. I might even have appeared selfish, though that wasn’t truly the case.
I’d wanted to set James free—wanted him to find love again, no matter where. I just wanted him to be okay.
He wasn’t in his bedroom.
I found him in one of the guest rooms. The door was open a little so I nudged it and went in. James was lying on his stomach, asleep and snoring softly. The sheets had slid halfway down his body showing off his muscular back. Above him the fan whooshed on maximum spin while a warm breeze blew in, billowing the curtains.
I didn’t want to wake him. Didn’t want those same nightmares within his tortured mind to stir and cling to his every thought. I liked seeing him at peace. Free of the ghosts of his past. Free of the agony that followed him.
Quietly, I placed the tray on the bedside table and pulled the bottle of Tylenol out of my pocket. I set it down beside the tray and turned it to face him so it would be the first thing he’d see.
This man meant the world to me. We’d been to hell and back together. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves. Or so I’d thought. James had been pushing me and Emily away from him in order for us both to be happy.
He was shoving his own happiness aside.
Overwhelmed by a crushing sadness, I said a quick prayer that he would find peace and love.
I started to leave, glancing back at the lonely man I adored, and froze when I saw the gold band on his left hand.
James was wearing my ring.
Xavier
I aimed the basketball high and it fell through the hoop. I caught it, bouncing it along, enjoying the steady cycle that helped me get lost in the rhythm.
An hour ago, I’d walked into James’ bedroom to deliver him breakfast and a hangover cure. That short visit had me discovering that he was wearing the ring I’d given him. Hope surged through me. Maybe, just maybe, he’d realized what we had was worth fighting for.
Raising my hand to shield my eyes from the glare of the late morning sun, I watched James stroll barefoot out of the back of the house toward me, wearing only his PJ bottoms.
He had on Ray-Bans and his uncombed hair and unshaven face made him no less charismatic. Hung over, he looked like a sexier version of himself.
I smiled…but then I saw he wasn’t wearing the ring anymore.
“Hey,” he said.
I bounced the ball, trying to hide the fact I had a lump in my throat that wouldn’t budge.
James nudged his sunglasses higher up his nose. “How are you?”
I cleared my throat. “Fine. Did you manage to eat something?”
He gave me a sheepish grin. “Some toast. Thank you.”
I wanted to see his eyes. Instead I was looking into those dark shades. “How’s your head?”
“As you’d imagine. Don’t remember much.”
There it was…Ballad shutting down in his usual fashion.
“Xavier…,” he began.
I dropped the ball and let it bounce away. “Sorry about last night.”
He released a long breath. “I don’t like surprises.”
“Except at Christmas, maybe.”
I guessed he was rolling his eyes.
“I just figured that, way out there, no one would hear us talk,” I admitted. “You and I could be ourselves.”
“Dunn’s River Falls holds precious memories for me.”
I shrugged. “You hadn’t gone back there in years.”
“You forced me to talk about the worst time in my life.”
“You’ve been avoiding it.”
“It’s true…I blamed myself for being on the sub when Victoria needed me.”
“It’s time to let that go, James.”
He shook his head in frustration.
“What are you thinking?”
“The world has gone to hell, Xavier. We’re constantly reminded of its cruelty. Sometimes, it’s hard to come to terms with what goes on. We can’t always reach the people that need us and make things right for them. Every single day that is what you and I have done. We’ve tried. We’ve striven to make a dent in social injustices. We sacrifice our own happiness to put others first.”
“I would do it all over again.”
He mulled that over. “Last night, you accused me of seeking revenge in London.”
“It was two in the morning.”
He snatched off his sunglasses and squinted at me. “What I do is not just about revenge for Victoria. It’s about me fulfilling what I believe I’ve been put here to do.”
“And you do it so well.”
“I’m serious.”
“Me too. No one could replace you. You would never be content with taking a back seat and letting someone else rule. It’s who you are.”
“I want to change the world, Xavier. I haven’t given up on it. I want to continue to strive to make it a better place.”
Which was why I admired him so damn much.
James shoved his glasses onto his forehead. “Which means I will constantly be in a place of danger. Nothing changes.”
“You don’t have to face it alone.”
“You’re brilliant and kind and patient and everything that is good with this world…”
I braced myself for his final blow—the words that would deliver the ultimate ending for us.
He reached into the pocket of his pajamas. “Until you forgive me for what I said to you at Dunn’s River Falls—” He opened his palm to show me the ring.
The same one I’d given him. The same one I’d secretly caught him wearing this morning when he’d been sleeping.
>
I smiled to break the tension. “The bit where you told me you usually wear comfortable shoes when you go hiking?”
“No, the bit where I told you…” He shook his head as though shaking off an unpleasant thought. “I’m the abomination, Xavier. Not you. We both know this. Until you forgive me for saying those words—” His eyes were glassy. “I can’t wear this.” He stared at the ring.
“Nothing to forgive,” I whispered, hope crystalizing.
“I spoke out of anger. It’s not how I feel about you.”
“And how do you really feel?”
“Every time I think of you leaving—” He stared at me with an intensity I’d seldom seen. “You bring meaning to my life, Xavier.”
“Thank you for sharing this.”
His jaw trembled. “I’m letting you down by not being strong enough to let you go.”
“You know I don’t want you to.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“I could say the same.”
“You’re not the one who did all those things.”
“I stood beside you as you did what had to be done. Wars are not won by men who shy away from doing what is right. You tackle evil with a bravery few men have.”
He gave a nod of resignation. “How do we make sure Emily can have her dream fulfilled and be kept safe?”
I tapped my head. “Got it all figured out.”
“I’ve been in a…bad place lately.” Pain flashed across his face.
“Have you ever considered, James, that what you had in your marriage with Victoria was so remarkable, so profound, that it takes two people to fill that void? That is a testament to your love. I will always honor what you had with your wife. We’ll keep Victoria’s memory alive.”
His shoulders dropped as he studied me. “All that’s left is for you to forgive me. If you can. Though I’ll understand—”
“You’re the one holding the ring, James.”
He closed his hand around the gold band. “This is like us getting married without a ceremony, then?”
“Our lives are the ceremony,” I said. “We have earned the right to happiness.”
“We always felt sacred,” he said softly, sliding the band onto his left ring finger.
I felt a fluttering in my chest that always came from being this close to him. It made me catch my breath. Somehow, some way, we’d found our way back to each other.
Only this felt different. A better version of who we were.
“Small steps,” I whispered.
“I’m all for leaping in.” He grinned at his Dunn’s River Falls innuendo.
“Sorry about that.”
“Yeah, well…the only risk was getting an infection and a flesh-eating disease.”
I grinned as he moved closer and rested his forehead against mine. This intimacy, this understanding, this respect, that’s what we were. Forging a rock beneath us that would stand the test of time.
“I’ll always be here for you, Xavier.”
“Likewise.”
James stepped back and pointed to the basketball. “We need to work on your game.”
“Ready when you are.”
Emily burst out of the door and rushed toward us in a flurry of happiness.
“Hey, I had so much fun staying with Louis,” she said, laughing. “He just dropped me off. I like him so much. Let’s see him again soon. How are things here?”
We swapped a knowing smile.
“Who wants to go the beach?” asked James. “I want to take you both somewhere special. A place I used to take…Victoria.”
Emily wrapped her arms around him. “We would love that.”
James raised his gaze to meet mine, his expression asking me if we were going to tell Emily about us.
I shook my head. Not yet.
Emily
The sun’s bright morning rays kissed my skin and I raised my face to absorb the warmth, my bare feet sinking in the sand, squishing between my toes.
I’d stripped off my T-shirt and shorts to reveal my blue bikini, and had just spent the last few minutes smothering myself in sunblock oil.
James had a private beach back home, so I wondered why he’d brought us to this one which was half an hour away by car.
I glanced back to see Xavier smearing sunblock on James’ shoulders and had to look away. Jeez, those two men could power a city with their eroticism. When caught between them, I lost time chasing after the pleasure they brought.
Things were heating up and not just from the sun. James and Xavier were in a good place with each other, and it was reassuring to see. They were deep in conversation, and the tension was gone, replaced with smiles and gestures of affection as they continued to cover each other with sunscreen.
Green-blue waves lapped over my feet and I breathed in the calmness. Palm trees lined the beach, bending and swaying in the breeze. There were a few straw huts where sunbathers could rest.
The place was deserted apart from us, but it was early, and I imagined the tourists would soon be arriving to enjoy the white sand and clear water.
Xavier shoved his T-shirt into his rucksack. He and James were both wearing swimming trunks.
James came over and joined me by the water’s edge. “How was Louis this morning?”
“Great. He told me he had fun last night. He’s so talented.”
“As are you, Em. I loved your performance.” James hesitated. “I’m glad it worked out and you were able to play.”
“Me too.”
“Did you have breakfast together?”
“Yes, he has a butler who spoiled us.”
James gave a nod. “Fredrick.”
“Louis and I drank coffee and talked.”
“What about?”
“How much he loves the island. He was telling me all the things there are to do.”
“Louis is fun to hang out with.”
“There’s something about him.” I studied James for a clue as to what that might be. “I can’t put my finger on it.”
“He’s one of the nicest men you’ll ever meet.”
“Where’s his family?”
James let out a sigh. “Well…”
My eyes shot to James’ hand—he was wearing his wedding band. I reached out and brushed my fingertips over his gold ring.
He was holding on to her.
James’ expression changed as he read mine. He went to say something and then glanced over at Xavier.
“Thank you for bringing us here. It’s so beautiful.” I brought his hand to my mouth and kissed his wrist. “Xavier really needs this.”
“We all do.” His brow furrowed. “Emily…there’s something I’d like to talk to you about. I mean, Xavier wants to say it—”
“Look!” I hurried toward the three horses being led down the beach toward us.
James caught up with me.
I felt a rush of excitement. “Are we riding them?”
“Yes, we’ll be riding bareback.”
“I haven’t ridden a horse in years,” I admitted.
“That’s okay. They’re very gentle.” James ran a hand over the muzzle of one the horses and then gave a nod of thanks to the young Jamaican who had led them down the beach.
“We can take it from here,” he told him.
Xavier took the reins of the white horse. “Let me help you mount, Emily.”
He and James mounted up and took the lead. With anticipation shuddering through me, I squeezed my thighs gently around the horse’s ribcage. My horse followed James’ toward the ocean.
He turned and smiled back at me. “They swim.”
Xavier was taking great delight in my reticence.
“They love it!” James gestured for me to follow.
My thighs tightened further as my horse waded into the water. The sea lapped at my toes and rose as we went deeper until it was around my thighs.
Within minutes, we were waist deep in the clear blue water with our horses swimming below us. They really did seem t
o be enjoying it. Mine was even going out into deeper water, showing no fear. Xavier managed to direct his horse to catch up with me. He grabbed my horse’s reins and then guided us back into shallower water.
James turned to look at me. “Having fun?”
“This is amazing.”
The picturesque green-blue vastness met the bright horizon in a dreamy vista.
“I can never get over all this beauty,” I said wistfully.
“Can you see yourself living here?” asked James.
I shot a look over to Xavier. He smiled back warmly with a look of encouragement. There was only one answer. It was the one that made me grin with happiness.
James gave a nod at my reaction but that was all he offered. It felt like the moment of hope had dissolved as he led his horse away. James made my mind reel with his complexity. From the first moment I’d met him, I’d seen him transition into a new man. Xavier and I had fought for him, relentlessly, and for the first time I was seeing a change in him, as though he was rediscovering faith in himself. That was the best way—the only way—for me to describe what I saw in this mercurial man.
After our grand adventure with the horses in the ocean and a picnic on the sand, we returned home. We hung around the pool, swimming and talking. If my life would have ended that day, I’d have already been in Heaven.
Later in the evening, we settled in James’ kitchen, where he and Xavier set about making dinner. I found three glasses and poured iced tea into them. I cut up a lemon and dropped slices of the refreshing fruit into each drink. James cracked open one of the coconuts from his garden and poured out the rich milk, then carved up some of the shell for us to munch on. Now this…this was the vision I’d held in my mind when I’d flown all the way down here. Us hanging out together with the ease of old friends.
“Can you grab the olives?” asked James.
Inside the pantry, I scanned the shelves while rubbing my arms to warm myself up from the chill. I brought out a jar of black olives and showed them to him. “How are these?”
“Perfect.” James twisted the top open for me. “Chop them up, please.”
I glanced back at the pantry. “That room is so cold. It’s like a fridge in there.”
Pervade Duet: Pervade London & Pervade Montego Bay Page 51
