by Mandi Beck
Rising, I carry the stool and the guitar back to their places and take my time descending the stage. A few people have put two and two together and realize who I am and ask for my autograph, but most hang back and admire from a distance, which I am extremely thankful for. I glance up from signing a napkin to see Willow and Bear speaking, heads bent low together. Excusing myself, I make my way through the throng of people milling about to where the two stand. I’m met by Law, Ro, and Judge just as I come upon her.
“Get your pretty little ass over here,” Law booms, grabbing Willow up in a crushing hug, spinning her around in a circle, raining kisses on her the whole time. Her head tossed back, she laughs at his antics, begging to be put down. The moment he does she’s scooped up by Ro. Judge finally getting his turn, swallows her in a hug and says something to her that has her smiling sadly before she pecks him on the cheek. A pang of guilt hits me. I took them away from her, and her them. We were all she had with her aunt having passed away years ago. We had become her only family and I took that from her.
“You guys, I want you to meet my good friend, Bear,” Willow says, putting her hand on his arm and smiling up at him adoringly, making my jaw clench and the boys all shift uneasily. Probably because they’re unsure of how I’m going to react, how it will affect me. “Bear, this is my family, Lawson, Arrow, and Judge.” The word “family” rolling off of her tongue with love and not a moment’s hesitation.
They take turns shaking the man’s hand while I stand there and wait. It doesn’t go unnoticed by anyone that she excluded me from the introduction. It wasn’t easy for her to do; I can tell by the way she watches me out of the corner of her eye, how she chews on the inside of her cheek. Finally, she breaks and turns to me, “And this is Stone, though you two have kind of already met.” Trying to be the bigger man, I raise my arm to shake his hand. When he doesn’t offer his, I let mine fall to my side. Clearly she’s told him about me. Bear and I are embroiled in an intense stare down when Ro breaks in. “Willow, how in the hell did you find this place? I totally fucking dig it. Reminds me of that little place back home.” Still holding the big man’s hateful glare I listen to Wills talk excitedly about the bar.
“It was completely by accident, but the moment I stepped through the doors I just knew. Then by some miracle Bear and his wife had mercy on me, let me pick up some shifts here and there, then one night I somehow ended up on stage during an open mic and started playing a couple days a week.” Slowly her words sink in and I turn to her.
“Bear’s wife?”
She glances over at me. “Yeah, Cora. She’s not here right now, but they own this place.” My eyes dart to Bear who’s smirking at me knowingly. The fucker. “Ro, she reminds me so much of your ma, except not as—” She searches for the word and Arrow cuts in, “Hippy? Free spirited? Crazy?” he says jokingly. Arrow Sandoval has an awesome mom who is one with the Earth and into all kinds of New Age type shit. His name is Arrow for fuck’s sake, and it was the tamest of all his siblings. Willow laughs, as do the rest of the guys.
“No, they’re just both so nurturing I guess.” She shrugs. “Good people. But your mom is soft where Cora is kinda take no shit.” Willow smiles fondly as she speaks of the woman. It makes me feel a little better knowing that she has them. Especially now that I know Bear isn’t into Wills. I’m about to ask her what made her try the open mic night since it wasn’t her thing when the lights dim again, signaling another band hitting the stage. Judge puts his hand to Willow’s back and guides her to our table. “Judge, I really should go; I have a class to teach in the morning,” she tries.
“No way, Willow. It took us months to find you and then we searched for this place all week. You’re sitting with us for a few minutes before you try running away again,” Law informs her, only half kidding as she reluctantly allows Judge to help her into a chair. I slide into the one beside her, doing my best not to touch her although I want to so bad. We all sit except for Bear who is speaking to a young kid, maybe a bar back. Our waitress comes over, removing our empties and asking if we’d like another round. Arrow says we would and she turns her attention to Willow. “Another tea, sweets?” Willow glances over at Bear, my gaze following. He nods his head in agreement of whatever silent question she’s just asked, making her mouth “thank you” before turning back to the girl waiting on her answer. “Thanks, Carleen. Bear has it.” The server nods and turns to get our drinks from the bar. I’m confused as fuck about what just went down but let it go for now.
“You still drinking hot tea when you sing, huh, Wills?” Not able to help myself, I nudge her leg with mine, making us both freeze at the electrical current that small touch brought on.
“Some habits are hard to break,” Willow says resolutely as if she doesn’t want to acknowledge me or she hates that I remember. I refuse to make it easy for her to forget my presence or to shut me out. My lips pressed to her ear so that I can be heard over the band now playing I ask, “You still putting Fireball in it when it’s cold out?”
Shaking her head, no, “I don’t drink anymore,” she tells me dismissively.
Her eyes dart away from my surprised gaze but come right back when I say, “Me either.”
The puzzled look on her face makes me chuckle softly. “I told you I went to rehab. Gave it all up except for the smokes and the lollipops. I have too many fond memories of those.” I wink and she flushes, remembering just what we’ve done with those sweet treats.
“You’re in a bar, and you’re not drinking?” she asks dubiously, just as our server comes over and places a bottle in front of me, causing Willow to raise her eyebrows and roll her eyes at me in disgust. “I almost believed you for a second. You keep tricking me with these glimpses of the old Stone before the asshole Stone shows up again.” Her tone is biting and I want nothing more than to kiss the doubt and disappointment off her beautiful face.
“Hey, Carleen, was it? Can I have a frosted mug for my root beer please?” I ask, my eyes on Willow, a smug smile tipping the corner of my mouth up. My Birdie found the backbone she was missing those last few months of me beating her down with my words and stupid fucking actions. It makes my heart swell with pride that she didn’t let me win. Sad that I have to think like that, but I’m aware that I was a bastard. I never wanted to be that guy again. Because of her. If it weren’t for Willow, I’d be that guy in a second. I loved being high. Wouldn’t bother me at all that people didn’t like me, as long as I was coked out of my mind. Willow was the difference. My salvation. I want to be her guy again because she will always be my girl. That thought is what’s going to keep me sober. I’ll never stop trying to be the “old Stone” for her.
Stone
BY SOME MIRACLE, WE CONVINCE Wills to sit with us for just a little longer. Long enough for the band to finish their set and the noise in the bar to be bearable. Even if she won’t look at me or speak to me unless I ask her a direct question. None of that shit matters when I can breathe in her scent. Listen to her laugh at something Law says and feel the heat of her body as she does her best to sit as far away from me as she can although she’s in the chair right next to me.
I told the boys about the baby but asked them not to say anything. I don’t want to put her on the spot, but now that I know that Bear is married and not her man, we’re going to have to have a little talk.
While they’re busy talking about the new album, I lean in as close as she’ll allow and ask, “How’s Lyric?” She stiffens, not looking at me when she answers.
“She’s fine.” That’s it. That’s all I get. I’ll take it.
Lawson is in the middle of telling a story about the last time we were all together at Arrow’s mom’s house when I feel someone standing next to me. Glancing up I see a somewhat familiar face, but it’s hard to tell in the darkened bar.
“Willow?” he calls out, her head whipping up searching him out. When she sees who it is calling her name, she smiles brightly. Too brightly. It’s not just me who sees that devastating smile
because all of a sudden the table has gone quiet.
“Joaquin!” Willow stands and walks right into his arms, and I watch in horror as he kisses her. First one cheek. That causes a pang in my chest. Then the other cheek. This one causing my stomach to clench. And then on the mouth. Which causes my heart to fucking shatter before my blood starts to boil. Maybe this guy has a wife too. Another Bear who appears to be more threatening than he is? I hold on to that hope until his name registers. Joaquin Danjou. Joaquin motherfucking Danjou and my girl. You have got to be fucking kidding me. With a clenched fist I stand up, Lawson materializing right beside me. He steps around my rigid form, effectively pushing me behind him and extends his hand.
“Joaquin. Good to see you again. It’s been a couple years.”
“Lawson! I didn’t recognize you. You let your hair grow. Good to see you,” Joaquin says, taking Law’s hand and simultaneously tucking Willow into his side.
My gaze fixed on her, I watch as she shifts, fidgeting and unwilling to meet my eyes. How the fuck did this happen? This is on me. But seriously, Joaquin Danjou? The fuck? Fine. He isn’t a bad guy. I actually like him, respect him as an artist. That shit ends now though.
Unable to keep it in any longer I bite out, “This guy? Really, Wills? You run nearly two thousand fucking miles away and end up with someone I fucking know?” I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest.
Shattering. My world is fucking spiraling out of control. The tenuous hold I have shattering into a million pieces and I just want to lash out. She’s not to blame. I know it. But I don’t care. I want to hurt them both. Him physically.
Willow pins me with a narrow eyed glare. “I didn’t run, Stone. I left. I—”
“Leave it, chèrie. You owe him nothing. Let’s go and get Lyric,” Joaquin coaxes, trying to lead her away. And that’s when I lose my fucking mind. For the first time I’m numb with emotion instead of some kind of drug. Here he stands, hands on my Wills, talking about my baby and telling her she owes me nothing. Fuck him. She promised me everything. Everything. Long before this French motherfucker came into the picture.
I can feel the pain of this fucked up situation breaking through the numb and turning into something ugly. Fuck if I can stop it though. With a sneer curling my lip I take my eyes off Willow and glare at the asshole next to her. “You have a pierced cock, Joaquin?”
He sputters and then on a quiet laugh says, “Umm, no. No, I don't.” I smile over at Wills as she shoots daggers at me.
“That's a real shame; Willow loves a pierced cock. One of her most favorite things in the world, I believe she said.” Tilting my head at her as if in thought, my smile widens. “I bet you really miss it, huh, Birdie?” I can feel the bile rising at the back of my throat at the thought of him touching her. At the thought of my words hurting her. They are. It’s written all over her face. All that hurt mixed in with hate and disappointment. This isn’t the reunion I envisioned.
“Okay, man. That’s enough,” Law says with an arm across my chest, pulling me back a bit. Judge and Arrow standing from their seats to flank me. Most likely ready to beat my ass.
“Go home, Stone. For once, think of someone other than yourself and just go home,” Willow says to me coldly. Calmly.
Taking Joaquin’s arm she turns and walks away, his hand on the small of her back, his lips pressed to her hair. The pieces of my shattered fucking heart falling like a ton of bricks around me.
“Fuck. What the motherfuck just happened? Fuck,” I curse through gritted teeth.
Law drops his arm and reaches into his pocket for his wallet dropping about two hundred dollars more than we owe on the table.
“Let’s get the hell out of here. I’m not sure what the fuck that shit was, Stone, but it’s time to call it a night. We’re drawing a crowd,” Judge says, ushering me forward.
I take a second to look around me and he’s right. People are watching curiously. I’m sure this shit will be all over the internet in about a minute flat. Just what the fuck I need. I’ll be able to watch my epic meltdown on YouTube. Been in Canada for less than seventy-two hours and already I’ve overstayed my welcome. Too bad I couldn’t give a fuck less. I’m not leaving here without Wills. If this is where she wants to fight this out, then this is where I’ll be. The gloves are off when your girl is playing house with another man.
The minute we walk past a wicked pissed off Bear and step foot outside, I turn to Judge, “I want to buy a house here.” They all stop and look at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Tomorrow.”
They can look at me crazy all they fucking want. I need her, to be me. Gotta find my rhythm and right now that rhythm is singing “O Canada.”
Willow
“DAMN IT! DAMN HIM! JD, I am so sorry. He’s such an ass when he’s angry,” I apologize as I unlock my Jeep. I used to love that bad boy side of him, the one that said whatever, wherever without apologies. I want to scream I’m so frustrated. I should have left the moment I walked off the stage, but it was so good to see the boys, and I let myself get swept away in the familiarity of being with them.
“When did he show up, Willow? Has he been here the whole time I’ve been away?” he asks a little tightly. He has every right to ask and be irritated with the situation, but I’m not sure I like what he’s implying.
“No. He was at the school the other day after class. We spoke briefly. I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him and that was it. I left, and I thought he had too. I should’ve known better though.”
“How long has it been since you’ve spoken to him?”
“A year and a half. I left and came here and used my aunt’s last name for work so that I could stay off the radar and away from the paps,” I huff, “Lot of good that did since he found me anyway.”
“Were you hiding from him? Did he hurt you?” Joaquin asks, anger inching into his tone.
“I wasn’t hiding from him necessarily. I was just running from my life and the people in it. If I didn’t . . .” I trail off not sure how honest he wants me to be right now.
“If you didn’t you would have gone back to him,” he says quietly.
Looking away from him I nod. I’m sure that’s not the answer he wants to hear and I don’t want to see his reaction to it.
“You didn’t answer me. Did he hurt you, Willow?”
“Physically Stone would never hurt me. It’s the emotional damage and the things that have happened because of it that have devastated me.” God, I don’t want to be talking to him about this right now. “I owe you an explanation, but I just want to go home right now. I’m ready for this whole night to just be over. I’m sorry.” I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face against his warm sweater, my forehead pressed to him. “Can we talk about all of this tomorrow when I’m not so aggravated?” I murmur into his chest.
With gentle hands he smoothes back my hair and tilts my head back to look at him. His eyes travel over my face, looking . . . for answers? For truths? And in typical Joaquin fashion, my wish is his command. “Of course, chèrie. Do you want me to follow you home?”
“No. I’ll be fine. I’ll text you as soon as I get Lyric put to bed.” He nods and I can see the wheels turning. “What? Go ahead and ask. I won’t lie to you. Not ever,” I promise.
Cringing he asks, “Does he really have it pierced?”
I can’t help but laugh. “You are a wonderful man, JD. I’m not sure what I did to deserve you, but I’m happy I did whatever it was.” Reaching up on tiptoes, I kiss him softly, letting my mouth linger just a bit before pulling away reluctantly. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Oui.” With another peck he puts me in the car and I drive away while he stands and watches.
As JD disappears from my rearview mirror, I let out the breath I’ve been holding. If I thought I was confused before Stone got here, I was dreaming. My emotions are such a damn mess right now I don’t know how I’ll ever wade through. I’m sure about two things though—Joaquin didn’t deserve what
Stone said to him, and two, he’s not going to stop there. He showed his ass because he feels threatened and that steely resolve of his shone through his pissed off, possessive, don’t-give-a-fuck demeanor in a big way. Stone is going to make life impossible. And I’m so torn about that. I’m disgusted with the part of me that can’t help but get giddy at the thought of a clean Stone, my Stone coming here to fight for me. But then the other half of me, who still hates him as much as that whimsical side of me loves him, just wants him gone. Is pleading for me to tell him everything and chase him away. I just don’t know which side is stronger. Which part of my heart will win. It’s moments like this I miss my aunt so much. She was always the voice of reason. I’m lucky to have Cora because she’s so much like my aunt, but sometimes “like” isn’t enough and can’t take the place of the real thing.
I made the fifteen-minute drive to my place on autopilot. When the Jeep rocks to a stop, I just sit there, staring at the porch illuminated by the porch light that Cora left on for me. On nights where she watches Lyric and I work late, she just stays the night in my guest room. With James Bay crooning softly to me through the Jeep’s speakers I pray she’s asleep already because I’m incapable of facing anyone tonight. I’m not even sure how I’m going to face me. Just a few days ago I was on cloud nine, sure that my life was finally going in the right direction, and now here I sit in my driveway listening to a man singing me a powerful damn message. A message I should heed.
Weary from the bottom of my soul, I climb out of the Jeep and let myself into my thankfully quiet house. As silently as I can, I take the steps and slip into Lyric’s nursery. Going to the crib I look in at Lyric sleeping peacefully on her back, her dark hair a little wild and her perfect rosebud mouth puckered in sleep. She’s the one thing in my life I’m sure about. The one person I’m meant to love more than any other. It’s the easiest love I’ll ever know. Careful not to wake her, I sit in the glider next to her bed and set it in motion, watching the night light on her dresser project dancing music notes on her ceiling. I rock and let the wall that Perry and I painted with the music and lyrics of Brahms’ Lullaby bring a peaceful smile to my face. This room with its rocker-meets-classical-musician vibe is my happy place. My spot to let the outside world fall away and just be with my daughter. Tonight though it makes me sad even as it calms me. Stone won’t stop asking questions about Lyric. Demanding answers and time with her. I’m not prepared to deal with that. I don’t know what to say. The pain of that is like a wrecking ball having at my insides. Closing my eyes, I push that thought away and think about singing with him tonight. It was so familiar and I almost forgot that we had fought so much. His voice, his pleading eyes, the way his hands strummed over the borrowed guitar all pulling at me. As quickly as I was pulled under by him I was saved by the lights that broke through his spell and allowed me to escape. And then I was saved again when JD walked in. The instant guilt making me desperate to get out of there before Stone even opened his mouth. It didn’t matter that I had done nothing to feel guilty about, I did. Though I’m not sure who I felt it toward. Joaquin or Stone?
