I go to the window, pull it open and lean out to tell him I’ll be out in a minute. It takes my eyes a couple seconds to adjust, but once they do, I’m stunned to see who is staring back up at me. I almost fall out of the window. “Zane? What are you doing here?” Am I dreaming? I can’t believe after all these months and the excuses for not being able to make it home, he’s here. At my window.
“Hey… can I come up?” I’m so shocked that he’s here that before I can answer, he’s walking around to the front of the house. He’s no stranger to sneaking into my house and up to my room. We used to do that a lot after Zeke died and I was having nightmares. He would sneak up to my room and we would stay up all night talking so neither of us had to go to sleep, afraid of what we would see in our dreams. Then when I finally passed out, he would hold me till the early hours of the morning before he’d sneak back out.
When I hear the door open, I am still at the window. He closes my door and stares at me with a look I can’t quite place. I look down and notice that I’m only in my panties and tank top, so I rush to my dresser for some sweatpants. Zane has seen me in almost every state of dress or undress except completely naked over the years, but tonight it feels more intimate somehow. Or maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t seen him for months that makes me suddenly nervous around him.
We stare at each other across my room for what feels like hours, but in actuality, it’s probably only a couple of seconds. Finally, I find my voice. “W-what are you doing here?” I just can’t figure out what he is doing here after he made such a big deal that he couldn’t make it. Did he sent a text to let me know plans had changed and I just didn’t see it because my phone was off? I feel like I should pinch myself, like I’m dreaming that he is here with me. But if I’m dreaming, I don’t want to wake up, because then he will be gone.
“Well, after your last text last night, I tried messaging you back to see what was going on. You said you and what’s his name weren’t together anymore, so I wanted to make sure you were ok. But you never answered me, and then when I called, your phone was off.” I forgot I had told him that I was breaking up with Gunnar. Or that we were already broken up. “Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that you came all this way because I told you I broke up with Gunnar and then didn’t answer you after you pretty much bitched me out for asking why you couldn’t come home?” Why would that warrant a trip home? Especially since he said he had so much going on that he couldn’t make it.
“I just don’t get it. You told me you had practice and a project so you weren’t coming home. Then all of a sudden, I tell you I broke things off with Gunnar and turned my phone off so I could forget about everything for a night and have fun. You try to get ahold of me, and when you can’t, you decide to rush to the rescue?” Does it really matter why he’s here? It’s actually kind of sweet that he would drop everything to make sure I was ok, right? “Ya know what, just forget it, it doesn’t really matter why you came back, I’m just glad I finally get to see you. How long are you staying?” I don’t have any plans for tomorrow because I hate going Black Friday shopping. I would rather stay away from all the crazies and not lose any sleep.
“I just came to make sure you were alright. I have to go back tonight baby girl.” He says this like it’s causing him physical pain. “You drove all this way just to make sure I was alright? And now you’re just going to leave again? But you just got here!” I turn away from him so he can’t see the tears that I know are coming. I’ve missed him so much, and now that he’s here with me now, I’m not sure I can watch him drive away again. I just know it will hurt worse than the first time I had to watch him walk out of my life, but now I know that things will be different, that it very well could be the last time I see him.
I feel him come up behind me. Then his arms slide around my waist and he turns me around. “Don’t cry baby girl. I can’t stand it when you cry,” he whispers into my hair as I let the flood gates open and stain his grey shirt with my tears.
I’m not sure how long we stand there, me crying and him rubbing small circles on my back while murmuring assurances to me before I finally get hold of myself enough to look up at him. What happed next came out of nowhere. I have no explanation and I could not tell you who leaned in first, but the next thing I know, my arms are around his neck and his are so tight around my waist that there will be bruises in the shape of his fingertips tomorrow. I don’t care though; I just want his mouth on mine. I have dreamed of kissing him, but this doesn’t come close to even my wildest fantasies.
He walks me backwards toward my bed without breaking the kiss. I was starting to get lightheaded from the kiss or it could be that we hadn’t come up for air yet. Either way, I wasn’t going to complain. If I died right now, I would be happy.
Suddenly, we are falling back onto my bed. Fuck oxygen! I don’t need to breathe when I have Zane kissing me like this.
He is the first one to break the connection to my lips, but it isn’t long before he is kissing down my neck. “Please don’t leave me,” I breathe. If he leaves tonight, I think I may just die, because not only is he here with me, he’s making all my dreams come true with a couple strokes of his tongue.
He doesn’t answer me with words, but his actions are enough for me. He kisses down my neck, across my collarbone, and up the other side of my neck. God, his mouth is magic. I feel like I could come just from his kisses.
His hands are still in safe areas, but fuck I just want him to touch me everywhere. I want to strip him of his clothes slowly, and feel all the ridges of his abdomen with my hands and then my tongue. I want him to make love to me. The thought alone should scare me, or at least make me nervous, but it doesn’t. I’m ready, and I want him to be my first – my only.
He works his way back up to my mouth, but his hands are still working their way down. His finger slips under my shirt, and he draws tiny circles on my stomach. He’s driving me crazy, and he’s barely touched me. I turn my head to the side to catch my breath, but grab his hand to move it up towards my chest but making sure it’s still skin on skin. He hesitates for only a second before he starts to massage my naked breast, then running his fingernail over my nipple. I gasp at the feeling that travels down my stomach to my core. Fuck, I’m so close to coming.
He lifts his head and looks at me with hooded eyes. “Fuck, you’re so beautiful.” I reach out for him, and run my hands up under his shirt. Holy shit, his chest feels better than I had imagined. I’ve seen it a million times, but touching him like this is so much better. I work my hands back down to the bottom of his shirt, and start working it up. “Please, take it off.” I don’t even recognize my own voice. It’s thick with lust and desire.
I don’t have to tell him twice. He leans back on his knees, reaches his hands behind his neck, and pulls his shirt off. You know that sexy way that guys pull their shirts off? Yeah, that’s what he did just now, and it has my head spinning even more. He throws the shirt on the floor and reaches to take mine off. His eyes meet mine like he’s asking permission. I nod my head slowly and bite my lip. That draws his eyes to my mouth and he growls. Before I know it, my shirt is ripped off and thrown somewhere behind him, then he’s on me again. I cradle him between my legs while he has one hand on my breast and the other fisted in my hair, pulling me into another dizzying kiss.
I can feel his hard length pressing into my core and it feels so good I let out a long dragged out moan. “Oh God.” I rock my hips to meet him which causes his grip in my hair to tighten almost painfully. “Fuck baby, you feel so fucking good.” He moves his head down and latches his hot mouth on my nipple. I can feel his teeth scraping against it with just the right amount of pleasure and pain.
I feel his hand slide down my side and inside my panties. Oh my God, please touch me! He doesn’t disappoint. I feel the tip of his finger make contact with my clit first, then he starts to slowly rub in small circles. I’ve never touched myself before so the feelings his fingers are bringing out in me are overwhelming to sa
y the least, but in a good way.
I start to move my hips in rhythm with his movements, which causes the sensations to double. Oh shit this feels so good.
Zane moves his hand further into my panties, then brings the tip of his finger to my entrance. He slowly starts to push his finger inside which causes me to let out a loud moan. Hearing that, Zane starts to pump into me faster, then adding another finger. I feel so full and complete with him inside me, though I wish it was something else instead of his fingers.
Not wanting to be the only one feeling pleasure, I slip my hands down his pants. I must be bolder with the pleasure flowing through my veins. I start to stroke him which causes him to curse, then pick up speed with this fingers. “I’m gonna come Zane. Oh my God it feels so good, please don’t stop!” He makes a sound that’s a cross between a moan and a growl, and it’s so sexy I think the sound alone makes me come.
As my orgasm starts, he lets go of my nipple and drowns my screams in his mouth. It feels like a live wire is connected to my lower limbs and fireworks are going off behind my eyelids. He slows his thrusting fingers, but doesn’t stop kissing me. I can’t believe I just had my first orgasm. Not only my first orgasm, but it was given to me by Zane. It’s lame, but the only thing that keeps running through my head is that dreams really do come true.
My body goes slack and our kiss slows. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” he says breathlessly as he pushes hair out of my face. I should probably feel disgusting with my hair soaked with sweat and embarrassed with his finger still inside me, but the way he’s looking at me, I don’t even care.
We both catch our breath, and he rolls over to lie down beside me causing my hand to slip out of his pants. My heart rate finally gets back to its normal pace and I turn on my side to look at him. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he’s still hard. “Did you come?” How can I not know if he came or not. I had my hand wrapped around him for fuck sakes. He softly chuckles and shakes his head. “Unbelievably, no. I thought you were going to unman me there for a minute though.” I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. “I’m sorry?” I say and roll onto my back and close my eyes. It’s embarrassing enough that I just had my first orgasm when we didn’t even have all of our clothes off, but to add insult to injury, he didn’t even come. Was it not good enough, was I not good enough?
He interrupts my inner battle with myself by turning onto his side and gently caresses my face. “Hey. What’s the matter?” What do I say? This is so new to me, but it feels wrong that I got off and he didn’t. Don’t guys get pissed if they don’t get their rocks off too? I’m not sure how this is supposed to work, it’s so frustrating. I just want to lie in my afterglow and share it with him, not worry that I did something wrong. “What’s going on in that gorgeous head of yours?”
I turn my head and look into his eyes. He doesn’t look upset. “Did I do something wrong? I mean… for you not to, uh, for you not t-to get off?” He looks at me like I’ve grown two heads. “Are you kidding me?! It felt so fucking good I was worried I was going to come in my pants.” I still don’t get it. “So why didn’t you? Didn’t you want to come?” I try to keep my eyes on him, but I’m just too embarrassed. He doesn’t let me look away though. “Look at me Danielle. Yes, I wanted to come, but I just wanted to watch you lose control. It was the sexiest thing I have ever seen, so I wasn’t even thinking about myself.” I think about what he said, and then come up with a plan.
I sit up and put my hands on his shoulders to push him back onto the bed. He opens his mouth to say something, probably asking what the hell I’m doing, but I put my finger to his lips. “Shhh… I want to do this for you.” I don’t let him answer; I just kiss his lips, then work my way down. I pass his collarbone, spend a little time playing with his nipple, then kiss down towards his stomach. “Danielle…” I start to unbutton his pants. He must be stunned too much to speak, because before he can even get words out, I have his cock out of his pants and in my hand.
His head drops back as I start to stroke him again. I take the time while he isn’t looking to get a good look at what he’s been hiding in his pants. I’ve never seen a guys’ penis before, but Zane’s could be a work of art. I almost want to get my drawing pad out and capture it on paper it’s so gorgeous. I’m not really sure what I should be doing, I just keep stroking him, long and hard. If the grunts and his heavy breathing mean anything, I think I’m going a pretty good job. But I want to make him lose control, like he made me.
I glance up at him and notice he still has his eyes closed, so I take a chance to lower my mouth. I see a drop of moisture at his tip, so I run my tongue along the top to see what he tastes like. “Oh fuck!” I glance up and see that I now have his full attention. His eyes are no longer closed, but staring heavily on me. I hold his stare and run my tongue around the top of his cock, then take him fully into my mouth. He hisses, and I’m not sure if it’s in pain so I pull up to make sure he’s ok. “Oh God, don’t stop. Fuck, please don’t stop.” I take him back into my mouth, but he’s so big, it takes me a couple of tries to take him fully. When I have him all the way in the back of my throat, I thank God I don’t have much of a gag reflex, because that wouldn’t be sexy at all.
“Oh fuck yeah, baby.” Hearing that he likes it makes me get more creative. I’ve never done this before, but I’ve read enough books that I should be able to make this good for him. I reach down and massage his balls and start to work my mouth in a twisting motion while hollowing out my checks to get better suction. He reaches down and tangles his hands in my hair. “Shit Danielle that feels so fucking good.” I speed my pace up a bit and bring my other hand around to work the bottom of his shaft, adding a couple twists to my strokes. He grips my hair harder and starts pumping his hips. “Fuck, I’m going to come.” He goes to pull away, but I really want to taste him, so instead of pulling away like he wants me to, I suck him harder into my mouth. I remove my hand and decide to take him as deep as I can. “Fuck, baby, you need to stop or I’m going to come in your mouth.” I push him all the way into my mouth and making a swallowing motion with my throat. “Fuuucccckkkk!” he shouts softly. I feel warm, salty liquid hit the back of my throat, so I swallow again which makes him growl. “Shit! Fuck Danielle!”
I feel a couple more spurts hit the back of my throat, before I feel him soften in my mouth. I lick him clean, then sit back and look up to see he’s got his arm over his eyes and breathing heavily. Not bad for my first blow job, I think. I crawl up beside him and cuddle into his side. “Holy shit, where did you learn to do that? Wait, don’t answer that.” I don’t really want to tell him it was my first time, but the way it sounds, it may ease his thoughts. “I’ve never done it before,” I say quietly, still a little embarrassed, but happy that he seemed to have enjoyed it so much.
We don’t say anything for a while. We just lie side by side. I yawn and snuggle closer to him. “Go to sleep baby girl.” I want to stay up and spend this moment with him, but I can barely keep my eyes open. Just before I drift off to sleep, I hear him say, “I love you, but I can’t lose you.” But I fall asleep before I can decide whether I heard him right.
I wake up lying on my stomach with the sun warming my back and the covers tangled around my feet. I reach my hand out behind me, but feel nothing but cold sheets. My head snaps up and I look at my empty bed were Zane was only a few hours ago. I look around my room and over towards my bathroom door thinking maybe he was taking a shower, but the door is open and the light is off. Where is he? Would he have gone downstairs?
I sit up and grab my phone when I see a note lying underneath it. I pick both up, check the time quickly and see it is a little after noon, and then open the letter.
Danielle,
I don’t know what to say besides I’m sorry. Last night shouldn’t have happened. You are my best friend, I don’t know what came over me. I hope you don’t hate me and that what happened last night doesn’t ruin our friendship. I had to head back to school, but I
’ll call you later. I’m sorry…
Zane
He regrets what happened last night. What I thought was a turning point for us was nothing but a mistake for him. I feel tears slipping down my face, but I don’t even care enough to lift my hand to wipe them away. I can’t believe last night meant nothing to him. I thought watching him leave again would hurt, but my heart feels like it’s broken into a million pieces and someone set fire the remains. I should have known better than to think that my dreams were coming true last night, that destiny was finally going to make up for the shit life has thrown me.
I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. It was hard enough being around him when I knew I had feelings for him, but now actually getting a taste of what I so badly wanted and having it taken away, I feel like I’m dying inside. No, not dying; I’m being tortured at the highest degree.
I fall back onto my bed and push the letter under my pillow. I want to keep it as a reminder to myself that he’ll never want me. Last night was a mistake. Our emotions got the best of us and one thing lead to another. No matter what I feel for him, he will never feel the same way. I don’t know how I am going to act like nothing happened; I’ll just have to pull my big girl panties on and get over it. Or at least pretend I’m ok until I’m behind closed doors. That should be easy enough considering I have done a lot of pretending in my life. It’s either that or the alternative; not having him in my life at all, and I’m not sure I can handle that.
Rewriting Destiny Page 8
