A year ago, Mack signed ownership for the shop over to me because he wanted to spend more time at the club. Since I loved the shop as much as he did, he said he couldn’t think of anyone better to take over for him – his daughter. He still comes in to help out when needed, but mostly it’s just me and Louie.
I’ve come to love my new life. I still harbor the pain and anger from what led me here, but I’ve been able to take all of those feelings and put them into my work as a tattoo artist or work them out at the gym or shooting range. Life is good. Except when August 5th rolls around, which unfortunately is today.
***
After my shower, I head into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee. What I’d really like is a shot of Jack, but I know that’s a bad idea, at least until after I get back from the shop. Then I plan to drink a full bottle, listen to music and maybe design myself a new tattoo. My usual on this date.
As I’m walking out to my truck, my phone rings. I don’t even check the caller ID because there are only a handful of people with my number. “Yeah?” I say as I unlock the truck door. “Dani, where you at?” Mack. Don’t know why he would ask since he should know after four years that I would be in the shop or at least on my way there by now. “On my way to the shop, why?” I start the truck and get a thrill when I hear the pipes cackle. I love my truck. It was a birthday present from Mack last year, a hunter green 2013 Ford Raptor, extended cab. Did I mention that I love my truck?
Mack interrupts my thoughts. “You got a lot of appointments today?” I wish. I only have one this morning, and it won’t even take me an hour. Some college chick wants a small butterfly on her stomach – typical. “Nah, only one this morning. What ya got?” Hopefully he’ll have someone in mind or maybe give me something to do. If I have to sit on my ass all day doing nothing I’m going to go crazy and probably end up breaking shit. I can’t let my mind wander, not today. It will just take me back to that night. I haven’t had any problems the last couple of years forgetting that night, but for some reason, whenever today rolls around, if I’m not doing something to keep myself busy or drunk and passed out, that’s all I think about. Why that would happen to me, what did I do to deserve it, why Zane wasn’t there, why he was such a dick, etc.
“Got a brother who wants a back piece. Can you work him in?” he asks. A back piece will take a while, so I’ll take it. “Yup. Who is it?” I want to know who I will be spending my afternoon with. I love all the brothers, so it doesn’t matter to me. “Blaze. He just transferred from another chapter.” That’s news. “Yeah, I could fit him in. I only have the one appointment this morning at 11. He can come in any time after noon. Does he know what he wants?” I hope it will be something original that takes up most of my day.
“I don’t know the specifics, but it’s a big back piece from what he said.” Nice! That will take me at least six hours. “Does he have it drawn already or do I need to draw it out when he gets here?” That would take up even more time, which is good for me. “No. He already has it drawn up.” Shit, that sucks. Oh well, at least it’s a big piece; it should still take up most of my day even without drawing it from scratch. Plus, I may have to change some things on it, depending on the quality of the drawing. “Alright, tell him to come in around noon.”
“Thanks darlin’,” I’ll send him over. Be good to him. He’s a good brother and we’d really like to keep him here.” He knows I am sometimes a bitch to people I don’t know, but I would never do anything to jeopardize the club; they are my family. “Yeah, yeah.” I hang up the phone just as I’m pulling up to the shop. Louie isn’t coming in today, so I’ll have to set everything up.
I check the clock and see that I still have at least twenty minutes until my appointment comes in. Just enough time to set up my station, check my email and grab a soda out of the fridge.
***
I’m just finishing the cleanup on the college girl when I hear the bell ring above the door. I assume it’s Blaze so I call out over my shoulder without lifting my eyes from my work. “Almost done Blaze. Have a seat, I’ll be out in a minute.” I hear him mumble “Ah huh,” and walk over to the couch.
“Ok, you’re all done. Keep the covering on until you get home. Here are the directions for the aftercare. If there are any problems, my numbers on the bottom,” I tell my client, and start cleaning up my station. She already paid, so she just gets up and walks out to the front.
When I’m almost done with my cleanup I say, “Alright Blaze, come on over.” As I’m sitting on my chair, I bend over to grab the supplies I’ll need for the tattoo. “Thanks for fitting me in Dani. Mack said you were the best around.” At the first word out of his mouth, I drop the bottle of antiseptic and the needle I was pulling out of my drawer – I know that voice. I hear it in my dreams.
I try to catch my breath, but I just can’t get enough air. It can’t be…Out of the corner of my eye, I see him settle into my client chair. “You alright?” he asks, reaching out to touch me. I flinch away from him, but I don’t look up. My heart feels like its beating so fast and so hard it could break a rib.
It only takes a couple seconds for the shock and hurt to fade, and then there is nothing but anger. But anger is good. I need that to get through what happens next. “What the fuck are you doing here Zane?”
When I look up at him, what little breath I had is knocked out of me. Damn, the years have been good to him. Not a lot has changed, but at the same time, everything has changed. Holy fuck, look at that body! Zane was always buff, but I can tell he’s been working out quite a bit. He has muscle on top of muscle now. I’m surprised that the shirt he is wearing isn’t busting at the seams. He’s wearing his cut that says Forsaken Sinners and his road name, Blaze, but nothing else on the front to give me an idea where he is ranked in the club. But then again, he did just transfer over.
Then there is his face, which still looks the same, except maybe he’s even better looking than before. His hair is still cropped short, but his face seems harder, or rougher. Zane always had a look that said “Don’t fuck with me,” but now it’s almost deadly.
When I reach his eyes, I have to look away because looking into them just brings back too many memories. I remember the first day we met in his back yard and seeing frustration in his eyes. I remember the day we found out about Zeke and seeing the pain and anger in his eyes. And then the look in his eyes the last time I saw him – he was buzzed but had a look of lust mixed with anger when I saw him with that girl. The girl he left me for the night I was raped.
How dare he come here! This is my home. This is where I’ve rebuilt a life for myself after my old life was ripped away from me. He has no right to be here. “Danielle…?” he whispers like he doesn’t believe I’m really here, then reaches out to touch me. I stand up so fast that I knock my chair over. I just need to put space between us. “Baby girl…” I hold my hand out in front of me to stop him which causes him to recoil like I’ve slapped him. If he only knew how I felt. I want to do more than just slap him. “Don’t call me that,” I seethe. I turn around and walk out of the room. I need to put as much distance between him and me as possible. I can’t deal with this, not today.
I don’t make it far before he rushes up behind me, grabbing my arm. “Danielle, wa –. “ But before he can finish whatever it is he wants to say, I yank my arm out of his grasp, swing my body around and punch him right in the face. It’s a good shot too, has all my body weight behind it, and the momentum from turning around so fast. Toby would be so proud. “Don’t you dare fucking touch me!” He’s holding his nose as blood gushes out of it. Serves him right. I hope I fucking broke it. It’s the least he fucking deserves after everything he put me through.
“Get the fuck out.” I say with a deadly calm, then go behind the desk to grab my phone. I want to call Mack and ask him what the fuck he was thinking sending Zane here, but then I realize he doesn’t know. I’ll have to explain if I call him now and I’m not sure if that’s something I really want to do. I look up
from my phone and see that Zane hasn’t moved a muscle. “You fuckin’ deaf? I said get the fuck out! NOW!” I yell. I can’t deal with this, I don’t want to deal with this. Not now, not ever.
When I left home, I told myself I would never see him again. I did everything I could to make sure that he would never find me. I sold my grandmother’s house and left no trail of where I’d gone. I got rid of my phone and didn’t get another one for almost a year, just used a burner Mack gave me when I needed one. I stopped using the name Danielle and now only answer to Dani. I was fine with the thought of never seeing him again, but looking at him now, I realize I feel more than just anger. I feel like a part of me was missing and now it’s found its way back to me. I feel the love I felt for him all those years ago. And I feel guilty for leaving. I don’t want to feel those things.
I sit down and whisper, because I don’t have anything left in me. “Just go Zane…” I don’t look up, but after a couple of seconds, I hear him walk towards the door. Before he walks out though, he pauses. “Ok baby girl, I’ll leave…for now. But this ain’t over. We are going to talk, and soon.” With that, he leaves the shop.
I sit there, not moving for an hour. I can’t believe Zane is back. Or should I say Blaze. And he’s a part of the MC, my family. How fucked up is this? Destiny just doesn’t know when to stop fucking with me. The bitch is still throwing me fucking lemons, after all these years. Haven’t I had enough?
Well she can go fuck herself. “Thank you for the fucking lemon bitch. Looks like I’ll be drinking tequila tonight.” Hope she heard me. I grab my keys and lock up. I hop in my truck and head home, but make one quick stop at the liquor store. Need to grab a bottle of Patron for that nice big lemon I’ve just been served.
***
I have the bottle of tequila open before I make it through the door to my apartment, drinking it straight. I don’t even notice the burn as it slides down my throat. It’s not even five yet, but I don’t care. I just need to forget. I don’t want to feel what Zane awakened in me when he stepped back into my life. I hate that I long for him, that I’ve missed him and still love him. A small piece of me is happy he showed up today, but I need to bury that piece right now.
Walking into my bedroom, I strip off my jeans and shirt and head into the bathroom. Starting the bath water, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. “You will not fall apart. You can deal with this. It’s been four fucking years, you’ll be fine. This is nothing. You can handle this.” I look myself in the eye and repeat this mantra, willing myself to believe it.
When the tub is full, I get in and lie back. I bring the bottle to my lips and take another big drink. Why did this have to happen today? If it had been any other day, would I have been able to stay in the same room as him and act like he was someone else?
I hear my phone rings in the bedroom, but I ignore it. It’s probably Mack, asking what the hell happened. FUCK! I shouldn’t have punched him, but it felt so good to let some of my anger out. I know deep down that what happened isn’t entirely his fault, but I can’t help but blame him. If he hadn’t left me there, it never would have happened. If he would have just helped me unpack like he said he would and not taken me to that stupid party, it never would have happened. If he had never showed up the day of my grandmother’s funeral and said I should go to school with him, that he’d take care of me, it never would have happened. It is all his fault!
I hear my phone beep a message and then it starts ringing again. They can just keep calling though; I’m not answering. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want anyone to know that Zane and I have a past. I know it’s not possible to keep it quiet for long; Mack will find out soon. Will he make Zane leave? And if he does, will I be able to watch him go again? I’m not sure I could.
The bottle of tequila continues to call to me, so while I lie back and try to relax in my bath. I continue to take greedy gulps of the burning liquid. I wish I could feel the burn, but unfortunately for me, it’s going down easy. Today it’s a good thing, though I know I will regret it in the morning. I just can’t bring myself to care enough to stop.
After lying in the tub until the hot water turns cold, drinking half the bottle, and ignoring my phone which goes off every couple of minutes, I finally drag myself out of the bathroom. I throw on my robe and walk slowly into the kitchen. I think it’s time I start drinking out of a glass, though I’m not sure it matters now.
Just as I’m pulling a glass from the cabinet, someone starts banging on my door. It’s so unexpected that I drop the glass and let out a scream. “DANI! DANI! WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE? LET ME IN!” Toby yells through the door. “Dani, if you don’t open this door in 10 seconds I’m kicking it down!” Louie’s voice booms with authority while Toby continues bang on the door. Shit! What the hell are they doing here?
I stumble to the door and try to unlock all the latches before I have to buy a whole new one. “Stand down assholes, I’m coming!” I say at the door. I will end up hitting more than just Zane if they kick my door in. Today is really not the day to mess with me. Not only is it the day of the year I hate most, but Zane came back into my life today and I’m well on my way to being drunk. Trust me, when I get drunk, I get mean. It must have to do with the fact that I have a lot of anger in me. Or it could be the fact that I spend all my time with bikers.
I finally get the last lock undone, but before I can open the door for them, they are pushing it in. Toby has a look of concern and anger while Louie has a look of complete and utter chaotic rage. What the fuck crawled up their asses? “What the hell do you want?” I mumble as I walk back into the kitchen for another glass. Fuck! I have to clean up the broken glass too. I should fuckin’ make them clean it since it’s their fault it broke, but knowing the mood they are in right now, they’d just end up causing more damage.
Toby starts going through all my rooms. I don’t know what he expects to find, but I hope not finding whatever it is will calm his ass down and help me get him out of here faster. Louie is going to be the hardest. “What do you want?” I whisper. I just want to be alone with my bottle and my hatred for everything and everyone. Is that too much to ask? “What the fuck is going on with you?” Louie practically yells. It makes me take a step back. He’s really pissed, like shaking with rage pissed.
“I’m fine, ok? Just had a bad day.” I don’t want to get into anything with him right now, but I know he’s going to push. Louie and I have had a strange relationship. At first it was like we were best friends, but I know he has feelings for me, feelings I just can’t return.
I shouldn’t have let it happen, but one night I was having a really hard time getting rid of the memories of Nick and the way it felt when he stole my innocence. Louie was there for me and it just happened. It helped me realize that what happened to me doesn’t define who I am. Just because I had one bad experience with sex, doesn’t mean that every experience will be like that. But afterwards, I knew we had gone too far and so I told him I couldn’t happen again. Since then, things have been really strained between us. I love him like a brother, but I don’t love him like that. Sometimes I wish I did. It would make things so much easier.
“You had a bad day? What the fuck happened? Does it have anything to do with Blaze showing back up at the clubhouse with a busted up nose when he was supposed to be getting inked?” He knows something happened, he just doesn’t know what. He also knows that he can only push me so far with certain things before I shut down. “Just leave it alone Louie.” I walk over to my couch, plop down and take another swig from the bottle.
“Leave it alone? LEAVE IT ALONE?! You’re here drowning yourself in a bottle of tequila and Blaze is back at the clubhouse saying it was just a misunderstanding! I’m going to ask you one more fucking time what the FUCK is going on before I go back to Blaze and start beating the fucking answer out of him!” He’s panting and shaking with rage. Well he can kiss my ass. I don’t owe him or anyone else any-fucking-thing. “Fuck. You.” I say, then get up and go
to my room.
I pass Toby on my way there but don’t stop to acknowledge him. Hopefully he will just let it be. But of course, no such luck. “Dani girl, did he hurt you?” Typical Toby, direct and right to the point. When Toby talks, you listen. He’s the quiet type, always observing everything that goes on around him. And brooding and deadly when he needs to be. I hate it when he’s like this. The way he looks at me with brotherly love makes me feel like no matter what, he will always have my back. I can never keep anything from him when he flat out asks me, I just can’t.
I sigh as I sit down on my bed. “He didn’t hurt me ok. Zane, or Blaze…I grew up with him, or at least mostly,” I start. Toby squats down so he is eye level with me and takes hold of my hands, urging me to go on. I see Louie out of the corner of my eye, standing stock still just outside the door. But if I want to continue telling the story, I can’t look at him. I just focus on Toby because he truly is my rock.
“When I was thirteen, he and his brother Zeke moved next door to my grandmother.” I see recognition cross his face. “Yeah, that Zeke. Anyway, after Zeke died, Zane and I became closer as friends. But then everything changed between us, at least for me.” I take a sip of the tequila to help me go on.
“I started noticing things about him, but didn’t know why. Then it hit me; I loved him.” I feel a tear roll down my cheek, but when Toby goes to wipe it, I flinch away from him. If he touches me, I won’t be able to continue.
“After he graduated, things just went from bad to worse. I missed him like crazy, but he was distant. Then over Thanksgiving break it went too far. Zane came home unexpectedly, and one thing led to another. We didn’t have sex, but it was close. I fell asleep in his arms, only to wake up to a letter from him telling me that had all been a mistake. That he loved me, but only as a friend. That he couldn’t lose me and that he was sorry.” I heard Louie growl, but I ignored him. I wasn’t done with my story, not even close.
Rewriting Destiny Page 15
