“Zane…” What do I say to him? That I forgive him? I’m not even sure if I can forgive him yet. I need to let him know what happened after he left the party, so he will understand why I ran. “Just let me finish, please.” He looks me in the eyes, waiting for me to let him continue.
“When I got your text messages telling me that you needed me, the only thing I could think about was that I was going to have to leave soon and I wouldn’t be there for you anymore. I was so pissed; at myself, at the world, and at you. I know I had no right to be angry with you, that it was all on me, but try to understand where I was coming from. I didn’t even think when I sent that text message to you, I just knew that I was hurting and I lashed out.
Then the next morning, I had Liam drive me over to your place to apologize and to tell you about the Marines, but you were already gone. Liam was pissed that I had left you at the party, but I didn’t know why. Until he told me about a guy that was there. Then I saw the blood…I knew something happened, and I could have killed myself for not being there for you. I broke every speed limit on the way to your house, but I was too late. You were already gone. I found the letter you wrote me and that was the end for me. I had lost the only thing that mattered to me, and it was no one’s fault but my own. And not only had I lost you, but I had played a part in physically hurting you, emotionally destroying you and making you hate me.
I will forever suffer for how I did things those last two years, but most of all, I will pay for and regret the night I lost you for good. But I promise you this – that guy paid for what he did to you. He will never hurt you or anyone else again.” He already knew about what happened to me that night? A part of me is happy that I don’t need to tell him, but another part feels shattered, knowing that he knows that I’m dirty, that I’m damaged goods. I never really thought about it before, but now that he knows, I wish he didn’t. I don’t want him to see me like that, as a victim, broken and used.
I have to get out of here and let all of this settle. He told me so much that it has my head spinning. I need some time. I turn towards the door and reach for the handle, but Zane puts his hand on my shoulder to stop me. It’s not a gentle gesture, but it isn’t hard either. Just enough to let me know that he doesn’t want me to leave, but I have to. “I know you can never forgive me for what happened that night, but I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I’m not letting you go. You are mine, you always were. I’ll give you space to think about what I said, but not for long. I love you baby girl.” I open the door and walk out in a daze. I just want this day to be over already.
I walk out of the clubhouse without noticing who is there or trying to talk to me. The only thing I keep hearing in my head are the words I longed to hear for so long – I love you baby girl.
It’s been over a week since Zane explained what had been going on with him. I haven’t seen him around, but then again, it’s not like he would just randomly come to the shop and he doesn’t know where I live. I haven’t been to the clubhouse since I’m not ready to see him yet, but he hasn’t been far from my mind.
I keep replaying what he said and piecing it into what I already knew. I think what hurts the most is that he kept something so important from me. I mean, joining the military is a big deal anyway, but since we lost Zeke, it made it even more important. I would have been upset and probably would have tried to talk him out of it, but I would have supported him with whatever he decided to do. I would have been proud of him just like I was with Zeke. Would it have been hard knowing he could get deployed and end up coming home the way Zeke did? Hell yes. I would have been terrified for him, but that’s a part of life. Shit, he could have just as easily been hit by a bus on the way to school.
I would rather have known what was going on and why he was acting so strange, than believe it was because he had forgotten about me or didn’t care. I have lost so many people in my life, some because they chose to leave and some because they were taken, but I never thought Zane would be one who would chose to leave me behind. And by not telling me how he felt about me and not giving me the chance to stand behind him, to me that feels like he left me behind. He didn’t trust that I would be ok, that I would support him, that I would make the right decisions for us – for me. I think that’s what hurts the most.
As far as why he left me at the party that night – was it wrong? Yes! Do I understand? I’m starting to. But it all goes back to his not being honest, and keeping things from me. If he would have been open with me from the beginning, I don’t think that night would have happened. Would we have still wound up where we are today? I can’t answer that. I can only tell you how the cards were actually dealt and what I did with my hand. I just wish things had happened differently.
After thinking about what he told me last week and letting it all sink in, I find that I have a lot of questions for him. I have thought about getting his number from Mack or even going to the clubhouse, but every time I pick up the phone, or my keys to drive there, I stop myself. I just can’t bring myself to do it – maybe I’m not ready or maybe I’m just being stubborn. But in the back of my mind, I know the answer to why I’m holding back – I want him to come to me, to prove that I mean something to him. And each day that passes with nothing from him, a little piece of my heart ices back up and I build up my walls even taller and stronger. I can’t let myself fall for him, because if I do and he is only doing this out of pity or because he feels obligated, I don’t think I’ll be able to pick up the pieces once he leaves again.
I look up at the clock and see that I still have a couple of hours before I need to be in the shop, so I decide to go to the gym to work out some of my frustration. I usually go at night when there are fewer people there, but with the way I’ve been feeling this week, I need this now. I grab my gym bag and head out, looking forward to spending some one on one time with the punching bag.
***
I walk into the shop to find Louie sitting at the front desk. “Where have you been?” He gets up and comes up to me. After that night at the clubhouse, he has either been super attentive and apologizing for pushing me into the table or angry and possessive over me. It’s really starting to piss me off. I know he has feelings for me, but I’m not his old lady or even his fuck buddy. I never should have had sex with him. I thought he understood that nothing would come of it, and he did, until Zane came back into the picture. Now it’s like he feels threatened that someone is going to take me away from him even though I’m not his in the first place.
“I was at the gym,” I say with an edge in my voice. I’m not in the mood to deal with his shit today. Hopefully he just lets it go and doesn’t push me because I’ll push back.
I walk around him to check the appointment book to see what I have scheduled for today. Looks like it is going to be a slow day. I only have two appointments and Louie doesn’t have any. “You don’t need to stay. It doesn’t look like we will be that busy so there is no reason for both of us to be here,” I tell him as I walk over to my station.
“So this is how it’s going to be between us?” he practically yells from behind me. Looks like I’m going to have to make it even more clear. “What do you want from me Louie?” I look up at him and cross my arms over my chest. Whatever is going on between us, we need to hash this out now before it gets worse. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but it’s seems to be a very real possibility.
“Fuck it, I don’t need this shit!” He turns around and storms out of the shop. That went well. I need to think of a way to fix this or things are going to be very uncomfortable around here. He needs to understand that what happened is in the past and we aren’t going to be together. It should have never happened to begin with, but I can’t take it back now. I’ll just have to deal with the fallout.
As I turn back to finish setting up my station, my phone buzzes in my pocket. “Yeah?” I answer without even looking to see who it is. “You busy?” Mack asks. I sigh into the phone and walk towards the back to grab a so
da. “Not at the moment. What’s up?” I hope this is just a friendly call and he’s not calling to ask how I am, or if I have sorted things out with Zane yet. Since that night at the clubhouse, Mack has been hounding me to talk with him. I know he’s right, that we need to work this out, but I’m still digesting everything Zane told me.
“I just wanted to let you know I’ll be outta town for a couple of days. Got some club business that needs to be taken care of in Nevada.” I don’t understand why he feels the need to inform me of what he is doing. It’s great that he cares about me and wants to give me peace of mind, but it’s really not necessary. “Ok, well, have a safe ride I guess…” I say, not sure what he was looking for me to say. “Anything else?” I add.
“Nah, just wanted to let you know I wouldn’t be around, but if you need anything, just give me a call. You got me?” I have no idea what he thinks is going to happen or what I’d need him for, but if it makes him feel better, who am I do deny him that? “Will do. See you when you get back. Gotta go, my first appointment just showed up.” Not waiting for his reply, I head back out to the front of the shop. I pull out my sketch book to work on the tattoo I’m designing for myself. I haven’t gotten inked in a while, so I’m overdue.
A couple minutes later, I hear the shop door open. A guy who looks to be in his mid-twenties walks in. “Can I help you with something?” I ask, putting away my sketch.
“Yeah, I wanted to see about getting a tattoo.” Well aren’t you just Captain Fucking Obvious. I push aside my irritation and smile. “Sure, what are you looking to get?” He looks around for a minute before locking eyes with me again. “Uh, well… I’m not really sure. It’s my first tattoo. What would you recommend?” Is this guy for real? Who comes into a tattoo shop for their first tattoo without having anything in mind? It’s not like going to a barber shop for a haircut and saying just cut it. This shit is permanent.
“Well, that depends what you want and where you want it. Why don’t you look through the display cases to see if anything pops out at you. Then we can go from there. Sound good?” I get up and show him over to the display cases of flash art. If there is one thing about tattooing that I hate, it’s doing something generic. There’s no challenge in it, no meaning. To me, if you are going to ink your skin, it needs to mean something to you. But if that’s what people want, that’s what I’ll give them.
After looking through the cases, he decides he wants to go with a skull on his right pectoral. He can’t find one that he likes, so he gives me some ideas and says just roll with it. “Alright, why don’t you have a seat on the couch and fill these out. I’ll draw something up quick, and if you like it, we’ll get started.” I hand him the release forms and head over to my station to draw his design.
Thirty minutes later I’m done, and with his approval I start getting him prepped. Then I place the stencil to make sure it’s where he wants it, and get to work. This piece should last me until my other appointment arrives, so I won’t have to think about what I’m going to do about Zane.
***
I look up at the clock to see it’s after five. I don’t have any more appointments, but I want to stay open until at least nine. With it being Saturday, you can usually count on walk-in’s later at night. They get an itch and decide they want a tattoo last minute. I usually don’t mind people coming in last minute and telling me they want a small tattoo off the wall, but tonight is different. I hope if anyone comes in, it will make it worth my being here.
I walk over to my station and grab my sketch pad to finish designing my tattoo. I really want to finish it soon so I can have Mack put it on me. All of my tattoos mean something to me in some way, but this one is a little more personal than some of my others. This tattoo is of a black panther, which will go on the side of my neck. It means death and rebirth, but also reclaiming your power in this life. It’s a guardian of energy, and has the ability to know the dark. This is so I acknowledge that death is a part of life, but I have the ability to reclaim the power in my life. It will watch over me and help me in my dark times.
My panther has a fierce expression, and has a paw up in the air, like he’s defending me. I can’t wait to have this finished and finally on my skin. I’ve been thinking about this idea for over a year, but it only started coming to life on paper a couple of months ago. I want it to be perfect, and with the last finishing touches I’ll put on tonight, it will be ready.
I’ve been working for a while when I hear the shop door open for the first time in hours. I’m just putting the last bit of shading in my tattoo design, but don’t want the person to think I’m ignoring them. “Be with you in a minute.”
I finish a minute later and put my sketch pad away before heading out front. “What can I do–,“ I stop short when I see Zane standing by the front desk. I take a couple of breaths to stop my heart from going crazy, then move forward. “What do you want Zane?” I ask in barely a whisper.
He pushes his hands in his pockets and looks at me sheepishly. “I wanted to see if you could fit me in for that tattoo we didn’t get to do last time.” Of course he is here for a tattoo, Dani. Did you think he came in just to see you? It scares me how much I was hoping that was the reason, but I know I shouldn’t. My heart shouldn’t be excited to see him, but knowing that he is here, within my grasp, makes me feel things that I never thought I’d feel again. Things I don’t want to feel, especially for him.
Knowing I need to at least be civil and do my job, I walk around the desk to grab the release forms. “Why don’t you fill these out and then we can take a look at what you’re wanting.” Formal and to the point, that’s the only way I can do this. It’s just business, and the faster I get that through to my heart, the better.
He walks up to the desk with a smile and grabs a pen. “It shouldn’t be too difficult for you to manage. The person who drew it is the best there is,” he says as he fills out the forms. The way he talks about the artist makes me pause. Knowing there is someone out there that has captured his stamp of approval and drew something for him to permanently mark on his skin has me feeling angry and jealous. He used to think that about my drawings.
I don’t reply. I just wait for him to finish and lead him back to my station. “Where are you wanting to put it?” I ask as I set things up to get started. “I want it on my back. I’ve made sure to leave it bare just for this tattoo,” he tells me as he starts to take his shirt off. I quickly turn around, needing a moment before I look. The last time I saw him shirtless was that night in my room when he gave me my first orgasm. I thought that was the turning point for us, and I was right, just not in the way I wanted.
Gathering all my strength, I turn around to face him, but even preparing myself for this moment, I’m taken aback by seeing him half naked. This man is a god, with tanned skin, defined muscles and mouthwatering tattoos on his chest and arms. I catch a glimmer by his nipple and raise my eyes to see what it is. Fuck me…He has his nipples pierced.
Taking him in, I feel my pussy pulse and my panties suddenly become wet. Fuck, pull yourself together Dani. Just do your job. Stop thinking about licking him all over and imagining the sounds he would make if I dropped to my knees and unbuckled his pants. Stop remembering how massive his cock was and how it felt in your mouth all those years ago. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Snap out of it!
I look up and see him smirking, no doubt realizing what is going through my head. He always told me that I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
I harden my gaze and walk up to him. “Could you show me the design?” The faster I get this over with, the better. As long as I stay focused on the tattoo, I will be fine.
He reaches into a gym bag I hadn’t even noticed he was carrying and pulls out a folder, handing it to me. I turn and walk over to my desk and pull out the design. I gasp when I see what is inside, surprised he kept it all these years and now wants me to tattoo it on his back. It’s the sketch I drew for him when he graduated high school.
I look over my shoulder and see him wa
tching me. Not wanting to show the effect this has on me, I clear my throat and stand. “I shouldn’t need to alter anything, unless you want to change anything before I copy this onto a stencil…” I trail off, waiting for him to tell me we are good to go. “Nah, it’s perfect the way it is,” he says with a shy smile.
I walk over to the copy machine to make it into a stencil, and have him sit in the chair. I clean the area on his back, loving the feel of his skin beneath my fingertips. Working fast to get this part over with, I have it placed and tell him to check it out in the mirror to make sure it’s where he wants it. He only takes a couple of seconds to confirm it looks good, giving me a slight nod of his head before sitting back down on the chair.
“If you could lie down on your stomach, it will be easier for me to work and be more comfortable for you since this will take a while.” I sit down in my roller chair, put on my gloves and get the ink ready. “Do you want any color in this or do you want to keep it the way it was drawn?” I ask, acting like he is just another customer and the tattoo I’m inking on him isn’t one that I drew years ago for my best friend in memory of his brother. “No color,” he says while he gets comfortable on the table.
When I have everything ready to go, I roll over to him and notice he has his face turned toward me but his eyes are closed. I take just a second to enjoy the view in front of me before I start up my gun. “Alright, here we go,” I say and begin to ink the first line on the memorial for Zeke.
I’m only about a fourth of the way through the tattoo when Zane starts talking. I’m actually surprised he didn’t start in sooner. I don’t comment on anything, just nod my head to acknowledge I am listening, or at least pretending to listen, when all I want to do was run away. I don’t want to hear about his life and all that I have missed out on. It kills me to know that he went through two deployments and I never knew about it.
Rewriting Destiny Page 17
