by Lori Ryan
“Oh, honey,” her mom reached out and tugged a lock of her hair like she did when she was little. “I know this is hard for you to understand, but I don’t regret falling in love with your dad. Even if the war did break something inside of him, I have no regrets for the time we did have together. I don’t think I would do you any justice by making you avoid all men who’ve served in the military.”
Mia sipped her drink, using it to avoid the conversation as she nudged the swing back and forth with one foot.
“I wish you’d had the chance to get to know your dad before he died.” There was a thick quality to her mom’s voice like she was fighting back tears and Mia hated herself for bringing her mom to that place.
Mia huffed. “I’m not sure if that would have been good or not. Maybe it’s just better this way.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I don’t know. I just feel like I didn’t have him here all this time and things were okay. Now, I’ve got this awful feeling that I can’t quite cope with and I’m sad for a man I didn’t know and confused about everything.”
And wanting nothing more than to go see Jax again, which made her moody as hell. She liked him. A lot more than she should.
She debated how much to tell her mom. “My feelings for Jax are confusing. I think in a way they’re sort of all twisted up in my feelings about dad.” Not to mention the fact that she owed it to Nick to make a decision about their relationship before seeing Jax again.
“That makes sense, but I don’t think you should let that get in the way of getting to know him.”
Mia shifted away from thoughts and talk of Jax and asked the question she’d been putting off for too long.
“Why did he leave us, Mom?” It came out almost a whisper. It wasn’t that she hadn’t asked before, but it was a question she hadn’t asked as an adult. As a child, her mom’s answers had satisfied her to some degree. They’d been vague. As a teen, she’d learned to stop asking.
Now, she wanted the full story. The true reason she hadn’t grown up with her dad.
A deep sigh came from her mom, but she put her arm around Mia and pulled her close. “Your father came back from his last deployment with injuries on both the inside and out. Something had broken inside of him.”
Her mom paused as though reliving the history as she spoke.
“He began to drink. A lot. We fought. I wanted him to get more help. He said the therapists from the VA weren’t helping him. That they couldn’t help him.”
Mia tried to picture what life would have been like for her mother and father then. She knew how much her mom loved her father, even after all this time. It must have torn her up to see him like that.
“One night, we argued.” Her mom sounded resigned to telling the story now, but she shook her head. The movement was so slight Mia wasn’t sure she was even aware of it, as though she could erase what had to be said before it reached Mia’s ears. “It was worse than any other night. I thought—”
Her mom stopped and Mia was torn between telling her mom it was okay to keep the secret and needing to know what had happened.
A few deeps breaths later and her mom continued. “I thought he was going to hit me. He spun and it wasn’t until after I’d taken a step backward that I realized he’d only been reaching his hands up in frustration. I could see it so clearly as I tumbled backward, the look of shock on his face. But it was too late.”
Oh God. Dread filled Mia’s stomach like acid and she didn’t want to hear the rest.
“We were at the top of the steps. I stepped back over them. Your dad tried to reach for me. He ran down the stairs and held me.”
Her mom was crying and Mia had tears streaming down her face. “Oh mom.”
“I was pregnant. Your dad called an ambulance, but I lost the baby. A boy.”
Mia held her mom and closed her eyes.
“It destroyed your dad. He blamed himself. He said he couldn’t ever take a chance on hurting either one of us again. It was a self-imposed exile, I suppose. A way to punish himself for something he saw as his fault, even though it was as much my fault as it was his.”
She turned to Mia. “I need you to understand, your father had never laid a finger on me. He’d never hurt me. I don’t know what made me think he would that night. Why I thought I needed to step back. He was drunk and angry, but I need you to believe me when I tell you, I knew as soon as it happened that he never intended to hurt me.”
Mia nodded, her throat too thick to speak. A brother. She had a brother.
“I know that sounds like I’m making excuses for a man who abused me, but it isn’t like that. He never once hurt me that way.”
They sat without speaking for a long time. “I kept thinking he would come back. That he’d see reason and realize he wouldn’t put us in danger if he came back. He never did. Your dad never came back because he never would have put you or me into a position where his demons could harm us again.”
All Mia could think was how much they’d all paid for that night. For the fallout from one fight, one split second in time.
Chapter 18
Nick stared at Mia and for the life of her she couldn’t read his face. She couldn’t decide if he looked annoyed, inconvenienced maybe?
“Is this about your dad? I told you I had to work. I would have been there if I could have been, Mia.”
“No, Nick. I’ve just realized, I don’t think we’re right for each other. I don’t feel what I should feel for you.”
“I don’t even know what that means.”
Mia smiled sadly. She had a feeling he really didn’t know what it meant. Her mother’s words echoed in her head and she repeated them for him. “I don’t feel any passion for you.” She shook her head. “And I have a feeling you don’t feel the way you should for me, either.”
“So, what, you want me to kiss you more?” He looked frustrated now, but she had the sense again that this was more about a change to his plans than about missing her or wanting her in his life. Nick had a plan and a way he expected things to go in his life.
“No. What I want is for us both to find someone we’re passionate about.” She wasn’t surprised when Jax filled her thoughts as she spoke. “I want us both to find someone who makes us feel—” she paused as she thought, but the words didn’t take long to come. “Someone who makes you feel excited and happy every time you talk to them. Someone whose calls you can’t wait to get. Who you can’t wait to see and talk to.” To touch. To be touched by.
She didn’t tell him what else she was thinking. She didn’t mention the way Jax made her feel like she was on fire with nothing more than the slightest touch of his hand. That he made her feel that thrill at the smallest of contact. Like there was so much more to come.
Nick’s face clouded. “I see. You’ve already found someone who makes you feel this way.”
“I have. It’s not someone I’m involved with. I wouldn’t do that to you, but it made me open my eyes to what we don’t have between us.” She took a deep breath. “I think we’re better friends than we are lovers, Nick. I just didn’t see that before.”
* * *
Mia waited a week before going to see Jax. She was a little surprised she lasted that long. She’d been wrung out emotionally after hearing her mother and father’s story. It had taken a lot of processing and a lot of tears to come to terms with what had happened.
And she was angry. Angry as hell at a system that had so completely dropped the ball for her dad. He’d fought for this country and suffered such an incredible breakdown when he came home.
She and her mom had talked long into the night about the times her dad had gone to the VA seeking help and not found what he needed. He’d been turned away and told to come back in a few days more times than her mom could count.
In some respects, her dad was lucky. He wasn’t vilified the way Vietnam veterans were. The Gulf War was supported by the people. To many people, its soldiers were heroes when they arrived home. But that
didn’t change the fact that there weren’t enough resources to help those soldiers cope with all they’d seen and done.
Now, standing in front of his door, Mia wondered if Jax was getting the support he needed. She wondered for a minute at the chance she was taking getting involved with him. If that’s even what she was doing. She really didn’t know.
But she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t a little uncertain about getting involved with someone who shared the history and the struggles that had led her mom and dad to implode years before.
She knocked on the door anyway, unable to turn back now.
Jax opened the door almost immediately, and met her eyes. They stood watching one another a long moment before he put one hand out to pull her into his chest and hold her tight to him.
She didn’t know what had sparked the gesture, but she didn’t care. His arms felt so good around her. He was strong and comforting in a way she needed so badly at that moment. She leaned into his hold and breathed deep, letting the clean scent she’d come to associate with him fill her senses.
After a minute, he pulled back and looked her in the eye again. “You okay?”
“I broke up with Nick.” She hadn’t meant to blurt that out and didn’t have any idea why she’d said it.
Jax’s eyebrows went up, but he didn’t say anything.
“That’s not why I’m here, though. I had a brother.” Tears began to fall again as she told him the story of her younger brother and how his life was lost.
At some point, Jax pulled her to the couch, settling her in next to him as she talked.
“I wish you’d had the chance to know your dad before he died,” he said when she finished. “He had managed to heal a lot in all this time. I imagine he never got over the guilt of what happened that night or the guilt of leaving you and your mom, but he was a different man than the one your mom is describing.”
“You said you struggled when you came back, too. Was it really bad for you?” She threaded her fingers through his as she asked the question and looked down at their intertwined hands.
“Not nearly as bad as what your mom described. I had nightmares for a while. I still do sometimes. But the dreams didn’t chase me during the day the way they do for some guys.”
“Did you have a hard time with your injuries?”
He frowned, trying to think of a way to explain it to her. “Not really. Well, I guess yes and no. I had a lot of phantom pain and some frustration when I couldn’t learn things as quickly as I wanted to. But, I was mostly relieved about the level of my injury. I wasn’t angry about losing my leg. I think that made it easier. I was so freaking grateful to still be here.”
He looked at her and she waited, knowing there was more. “I think I could have turned to alcohol or even pain meds, if I hadn’t met a few really good people along the way.”
“Like who?” She found she wanted to know more and more about him.
“Your dad, for one. And a doctor who helped me with the pain of the amputation without needing the pain meds all the time.”
“I’m glad you had them to help you.”
“Me, too,” he said quietly. “Now tell me what happened with Nick.”
Mia’s cheeks flamed. “Sorry. I really didn’t mean to blurt that out.”
He raised an eyebrow and waited.
“I just realized we weren’t really right for each other. I think I’ve actually known that for a while now, but I’ve been doing everything I could to avoid really facing it.”
“Why is that?”
“It was comfortable. Safe.” She felt her heart racing as they talked and realized Jax made her feel anything but that. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She certainly felt safe with him. But she also felt the excited rush of being with someone who made her really feel things. She had that feeling of not being able to really catch her breath around him. Of waiting and hoping he’d kiss her. Touch her. Of wanting to be back in his arms again.
She didn’t mention what had happened with Gary years before. She’d tell him about it eventually, but not now.
“How did he take it?”
She laughed. “There wasn’t crying and pleading, that’s for sure. Annoyed is mostly how I would put it. We really weren’t right for each other. I think his pride was hurt, but I have a feeling he’ll see that I’m right soon, if he hasn’t already.”
“Were you together long?” She got the sense he was trying to gauge how much space to give her, or maybe the length of rebound time she might need.
She shook her head slowly at him. “Six months.”
Jax reached for her and pulled her closer, tugging her legs over his lap and drawing her into his arms. “I really hated that guy,” he said and his voice took on a deliciously gruff tone.
Mia laughed, but she could hear the breathlessness in it. “You never met him.”
“Didn’t matter,” he said, before he kissed her and all thought left her. His mouth on hers was everything she never knew she wanted. It was demanding and powerful, but somehow soft at the same time. Her whole body felt instantly needy for him.
She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and was shocked to feel herself pull him closer. More. That was all she could think, that she wanted more. More of the fluttery feeling he gave her. More of his hands on her body, his mouth on her mouth. Everything.
She lost herself in the feel of his body pressed to hers. He was all muscle beneath her. All hard, lean muscle that seemed to beg her hands to touch.
He seemed to keep his sanity better than she did because he drew back slowly, intense eyes locked on hers. “Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.”
She nodded, stupidly, too overwhelmed to say a word. The last thing she wanted to be thinking about at a time like this was her mom or her ex, but she couldn’t help it.
Her mom had been right. There had been zero passion between her and Nick. He didn’t come anywhere close to making her feel anything like this. Her body didn’t hum with electricity when she was around him.
“You okay?” Jax asked, a hint of amusement in his tone.
“Yes,” she said. There was that damned breathless thing again. She cleared her throat. “Fine. Good. Everything’s great.”
Now he laughed and she realized she hadn’t heard him laugh like that yet. It was deep and full, like he was holding nothing back. She liked that about him. He seemed comfortable with himself.
“How about I take you out for dinner?”
“You didn’t have plans?” She asked. She had just crashed his evening, after all.
“Nope. Nothing to do but spoil you.” He stood and tugged her off the couch. “Although you probably do need to do something about this.” He grinned and waved his hands around her face and hair.
Now it was her turn to laugh. She probably looked awful. She’d just cried on his shoulder for half an hour. “Bathroom?”
“Down that hall, second door on the right,” he said, walking behind her, one hand on her back as they moved together down the hall.
Mia stopped laughing when she looked in the mirror. She was giving new meaning to the smoky eye look. She took a tissue and smeared at the eyeliner. At least she was wearing waterproof mascara. Her hair was mussed and her cheeks stained from her tears, and he still wanted to take her out to dinner. Good to know.
She did her best to straighten her hair and walked out.
Her breath caught as she left the room. Jax stood, leaning against the wall waiting for her. He’d put on a charcoal button down shirt and the look in his eyes tempted her to stay in rather than go out. He seemed to set her on fire with just those eyes.
He held out a strong hand. “Ready?”
“Yes.” She took his hand and felt her stomach flip. It wasn’t a bad flip. It was the kind of excitement that meant something new and big and probably not like anything she’d ever experienced was about to start. And she would bet anything it wouldn’t end with them as friends who sometimes kissed.
Chapter 19
Jax picked Mia up at her house for their second official date. The hour long drive to Hartford wasn’t exactly ideal for a dinner date, but he didn’t care. He liked her. A lot.
He’d given up on trying to talk himself out of being with her. Yes, she was Leo’s daughter. And, yeah, he wasn’t completely sure he was ready to be with a woman. But he’d like to think Leo would give them his blessing. In fact, Leo probably would have told Jax he was being an idiot if he walked away from a woman he liked this much. Who made him feel the way she did.
He damned near choked on his own tongue when she opened the door. A bright red sweater framed her shoulders, leaving the tops of them bare and her neck exposed.
He didn’t see what she wore on the bottom. He couldn’t look away from the silken skin above her collar bone.
He wanted nothing more than to start at the top and work his way down, licking and nibbling his way as she moaned in his ear.
“Hi,” she said and he could tell from the question in her voice she was wondering why he was standing there staring at her without saying a word.
He blew out a breath. “You look gorgeous,” he said, though it came out a bit rough and he cleared his throat.
Her smile was slow and sweet. “You do, too,” she said, and he could see she meant it.
All the nerves over being with a woman flew out the window and he wondered why he’d been worried. Mia had never once made him feel uncomfortable about his leg. What would make him think she’d change any when their clothes came off?
If their clothes came off. He was jumping the gun a little.
Not hard to do with how she made him feel, but still probably not a good idea to get ahead of himself.
He cleared his throat again and put out his hand for her. “Ready?”
She slipped her small hand into his and walked out the door with him, pausing to lock up.
“Where are we headed?” she asked as he opened the Jeep door for her and gave her a hand in.
