by Lisa Swann
Mr Ong left us without showing much emotion. I couldn't tell if he had been convinced by our arguments (I would have immediately said yes to Sacha in his place!). But we would have no regrets, whatever happened next, at least not from my point of view. Sacha seemed pretty satisfied too ... I was floating in a state close to euphoria. Maybe it was due to fatigue as well.
"Well, Miss Assistant Chief," said Sacha with a mysterious look when he turned to me after Mr. Ong had left. "I think we've done enough for today ... It goes against the rules to drink with my subordinate - that said, it's not very regulatory to sleep with them either - but let's relax with a small glass of champagne. Pack up your things, we're going back to the hotel."
I looked at my cell phone; it was 5 o'clock, a bit too early for champagne! But I was careful not to say anything as Sacha seemed to be in a particularly perky mood and I didn't want to annoy him.
We took a taxi back to the hotel. Only two streets, but there was no question that one of the greatest lawyers of New York should have to walk there!
Sitting in the comfortable and cozy lounge bar, I realized just how tired I was. I felt drained, I was exhausted. Sacha ordered two glasses of chilled champagne and untied the knot of his tie without taking his jade-colored eyes off me. The champagne was served at once, its fine bubbles escaping from the crystal glass. He undressed me with a long look, without embarrassment, pausing over every detail of my anatomy, and then he picked up his glass and raised it in my direction.
"If Ruppert signs with Ong, darling, I'll make you come so many times you'll lose your breath..."
I choked on a sip of champagne ( He said "darling" ) ... and coughed to catch my breath.
"No need, I've already lost my breath," I said, patting my chest. But don't let that hinder you... even if they don't sign!"
He laughed. His laughter was clear and sincere. I have rarely felt so close, so accessible...
"You did a good job on this, Liz ... I would go as far as saying that you have impressed me. I very rarely give compliments..."
I blushed. Compliments always made me very uncomfortable. He was so "normal" for once, maybe it was time to broach the serious issues, right? The ones that made me suffer and cry when I was alone - women and him...
"I ... uh ... you ... uh... you..."
"Yes, Liz? Me? You?"
I decided to chill out instead. To hell with Natalia, the Allissons and all the others. I wasn't going to spoil this moment!
"I'm delighted to work with you!" I said at once to dispel any discomfort and I swallowed my glass of champagne in one gulp.
"So much the better," he replied, not at all surprised. "And it's not finished! We have a gala dinner tonight. All the major law firms around the world come to this type of social event. I want you to be perfect ... You will find a suitable outfit in your room ... By the way, is your room to your liking?" he said, looking at me over his glass.
"Yes, its fine, and thank you renting me a room, I like being alone," (take that) I said, taking on a relaxed position.
"That's perfect then ( was he disappointed with my reaction? Who knows? ) "It goes without saying that you're welcome in my suite, whenever you wish..." He moved closer to me over the small table, his mouth almost touching mine.
I turned my finger around the rim of my glass and, licking my lips, I added:
"You too, of course ... but I'd rather be warned before a courtesy call..."
My temples were pulsating; this game was beginning to get very exciting. But he suddenly sat back, looked at his watch and told me to hurry up as we had to leave for the gala in half an hour!
The gala was held in a beautiful room on the top floor of one of the tallest buildings in Hong Kong. I arrived on the arm of Sacha, molded into a gorgeous midnight blue sheath dress, fully pleated and embroidered with transparent stones. My red hair fell in a wavy waterfall around my shoulders. I had put on more make up than usual. I felt so beautiful that night, which I was not used to. Sacha was wearing a tuxedo. He was divine. In the car that had brought us to the gala, the sexual tension was palpable! It wouldn't take much for me to take him right there on the backseat. The night after the evening promised to be full of carnal pleasures.
The evening really brought together the who's who in the business world: the most prominent firms of the planet all pretending to be friends, a circumstantial truce, while most of them clashed fiercely on a daily basis to see who could get the largest cut of the business and global finance cake.
A few minutes after our arrival, Sacha was snatched away by a few financial magnates ... I casually walked over to the buffet where I recognized two employees of Goodman & Brown with whom I had worked in New York: Helen, a pretty blonde and David, a small, stocky man with laughing eyes. We had already hit it off at the firm and I was relieved and happy to see them.
"Oh, Elizabeth ... what a pleasure to see you here," said Helen, hugging me. "Congratulations! We heard that you have been hired by Goodman & Brown. You deserve it ... apparently you cooked up a storm in France!"
David kissed me and said cheerfully: "hear, hear!” We each took a flute of champagne and clinked glasses to toast my new position. Helen asked me about Sacha and inquired about my state of mind and my relationship with the boss. He had a reputation for being demanding and ruthless with his assistants. I remained vague ... not revealing the true nature of my relationship with Sacha. After two glasses, I was totally relaxed and we were laughing about everything and nothing. A tall blond joined us and Helen introduced me to Ludwig, a lawyer from Berlin who she had got to know "really well" during a previous seminar. Ludwig paid me a lot of attention without paying any to the others, laying on the compliments and dubious allusions! He was overly zealous but I kept my distance ... then the orchestra began to play to start the ball rolling. Ludwig wanted to take me to the dance floor, but I politely refused. At least twenty minutes or half an hour had passed since I had last seen Sacha. I looked around and soon I saw him, laughing heartily, one arm around the waist of a statuesque brunette: Natalia! I couldn't help saying her name out loud, and Helen immediately noticed.
"Yes, Natalia is here; quite normal for such a conference ... They make a lovely couple, don’t they?"
"A couple?" I asked, flabbergasted.
"Yes! Well, I don't think they're together anymore ... it’s a shame, because they make a really good match, don't you think?"
"Oh ... uh ... yes, yes, yes, you're right," I replied, but Helen had already turned away and was heading to the dance floor with David.
Together? A couple? And I was worried about the fiancée story ... what an idiot. It was much worse in fact ... the wolf was in the sheep pen.
I couldn't take my eyes off "the couple" ...
The orchestra continued with a languid slow dance and I saw Natalia lead Sacha onto the dance floor. A knife in the back or in the stomach, or both ... couldn't have hurt me more.
A huge wave of sadness and anger came over me. He was whispering in her ear, and they couldn't get much closer even if they tried. Did he want to jump her in the middle of the dance floor or what! My pride took over and I turned to Ludwig and asked him to dance, displaying a wide smile and doe eyes. He didn't have to be asked twice and firmly put both hands on my waist as a sign of acceptance. The slow dance was anything but pleasant. I wanted to scream. I kept looking from left to right, trying to follow Sacha and Natalia, who were still glued tightly together. Ludwig was becoming more and forward and the song just wouldn't end. I was suffering from every angle: seeing Sacha with someone else and having to put up with Ludwig’s hands that were almost on my ass. I was about to ask him to stop when I met Sacha's eyes. If looks could kill, then I would have been killed by the look he threw me. It frightened me and when I turned my head quickly away, Ludwig took the opportunity to kiss me! I didn't even have time to free myself from Ludwig before Sacha was two centimeters away from me, ordering me to leave the room. Everyone was looking at us. I was petrified, but I gathered tog
ether the strength to leave the room in the most dignified manner possible. Sacha was on my heels. Fortunately, someone called out to him and it gave me time to get to the elevators. I dived into the elevator and pushed like crazy on the button, praying that the door would close... Run away, far away. I didn't want to confront him. My mind was in turmoil. I stifled a sob. I felt so void, so unloved, and so unhappy. His attitude. My attitude. All this evoked a feeling of disgust and disappointment in me.
The lobby was deserted and I only had a few steps to go to reach the front door, but a powerful hand fell on my arm and pulled me back.
He was beside himself, his lower lip was trembling.
"Where are you going? Do you think you can get away so easily?"
"Let me go," I shouted, and go back to flirting with Natalia ... your so-called shag for one or two nights ... you make me laugh..."
"Certainly not!" He hugged me tighter. "You are going to have some explaining to do. You must understand that I do not tolerate this kind of behavior." He did not shout, but his voice was so strong, it cut through the air. "Listen to me, Elizabeth, nobody will deceive me once again, not you or anyone else..."
His face was distorted with anger...
"Ah, so his lord and master is not used to being let down, huh?" I replied arrogantly. "You've always had everything you wanted and you're used to people groveling at your feet. A spoilt little boy, from a rich family, huh, and we must satisfy all your whims..."
"Don't talk about stuff you know nothing about Elizabeth," his eyes flashing even more dangerously. You think you have won the prize for suffering, but you know nothing about my life..."
"Well, I know enough to know that you are.... you are ... a ... a ... bastard!"
The word slipped out against my own will, brought on by the blind and irrational anger that allowed me to face him. I regretted it immediately. He let go of me and I thought he was going to slap me.
"Do you want ... want to hit me now?" I gasped, stepping backwards.
He seemed to relent at once. He said gently:
"Even if I wanted to, because you deserve it, I could not hit you. Not you or anyone else. Contrary to what you seem to think, life has not always been kind to me."
Now I was crying my eyes out.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I have not had a golden childhood, and you don't need to know any more..." He wiped away a tear that was running down my cheek. "But it doesn't change anything else..."
"Yes it does, it changes everything," I spluttered but continued, "If you know what it is to suffer, why are you like this with me then, huh? Why did you lie about Natalia? Why didn't you say anything about Allisson? Why, why is everything so complicated with you!"
"It's over with Natalia, and what difference does it make? She is a friend, a very dear friend. Allisson - I don't want to talk about it... And you had no right digging around to find out about my past."
"Obviously I have to!" I cut him off. You never tell me anything. I have to read between the lines and it's damn well coded..."
There was hardly any anger left in his eyes. He seemed almost tender and even handed me a tissue!
"There is no code Liz. It's just that it's not very cheerful. Even if I told you everything, it would only make you cry... So, why stir up the past? You're here, I'm here and that's all. It's you who complicates everything..."
"It's just that you always make me feel like I'm a fifth wheel," I dared to reply. "I ... I ... I'm only good for sex, is that it?" I stopped breathing, waiting for his response, which was going to be like a bombshell.
"No Liz, but don't ask me for more than I can give you..."
Just at this moment my cell phone rang in my bag.
At this time? Surely it can't be work.
I pulled out my phone and looked at the screen - it was from Paris! I answered and listened to the person on the other end, practically unable to utter a word. But I managed to articulate a: "Thank you for letting me know" and hung up distractedly.
"That was the hospital," I said to Sacha, who looked at me with questioning eyes. "Maddie had a dizzy spell and now she is in intensive care."
And I collapsed in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably.
9. Paris and elsewhere
This time Sacha was amazing. Between him, the new job and now Maddie, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown ... I couldn't gather my thoughts. I didn't know what to do. He told me right away that he would take care of everything and that I would leave for Paris the next day.
I didn't even realize he'd on the phone, that he'd called a taxi and that we'd returned to the hotel. I was overwhelmed by the sequence of events and the stress. What if Maddie died? I would lose the only "mother" I had left in this world. Sacha and I spent the night together in his suite in each other's arms. He stroked my hair for hours; I was nestled in the hollow of his shoulder. We didn't talk at first - he just whispered reassuring words that he would take care of everything, that everything would be fine ... but the anxiety came back with a vengeance and the tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't bear to lose Maddie; she was my only crutch up to now, my only female role model. Of course, I still had my father, but he had always displayed a reserve which made our relationship quite complicated and very cold. It's true that was a lot of prudishness in him too ... but mostly, it was my mother between us. He never really knew how to deal with the situation, how to handle his sudden loss. In his family this kind of thing didn't happen ... they carried the cross, they prayed, they went to church, they went to confession if they needed to... but they didn't renounce life. The truth was, seven years later, the death of my mother was still taboo for him. He never talked about it. I'd never been close to the rest of my family, except Maddie of course ... this whole thing ended up completely undoing the ties that were already so weak.
"Cry," Sacha said, you'll feel better afterwards..."
Between sobs, I whispered:
"I don't want to lose her, you know, I can't lose her ... not her. I lost too much when my mother..."
"Has it been a long time?"
"What?"
"Since your mother died?"
"I was 15..."
"And ... how did she die? You don't have to answer, Liz..."
"Oh, I have no problem talking about it, unlike my father... She killed herself!"
"A suicide?" Sacha repeated slowly. He obviously found this disturbing.
"And I found her ... hanging in the living room. She killed herself while I was doing my homework upstairs," I said in a monotonous tone.
I turned my head towards him. He seemed upset....
"Liz, I'm ... I don't know what to say ... my poor darling, it's terrible..." He grabbed my face and kissed me tenderly. "But ... do you know why?"
"No, not really. She was always depressed. She was very ... fragile..." There were times when she seemed well and times when she sank into a deep depression. She was an artist, you know, she painted, she sculpted, she was beautiful. She was so sweet, but she was also tortured ... I mean, on the inside..."
"Are you angry with her?" asked Sacha, tucking my hair behind my ear.
"To have committed suicide? No. I miss her terribly with each day that goes by, but I'm not angry. This world just wasn't made for her ... I've never felt 'guilty' either, but I can't say as much for my father."
"You're very strong, Liz ... you loved her a lot, didn't you?"
"Yes," I blurted out in one breath, my tears intensifying. "And ... and ... you?"
"Me?"
"Yes, you. You told me that you didn't have a golden childhood ... and this seems like a time for confidences..."
"I fear, Liz, that unlike you I don't have the ability to open up ... Anyway, It's not even interesting. What matters is what I am now, not what I was, right? Not what I've been through or the bad things that have marked my life?"
I turned and put my head on his chest. We were both still dressed in our eveningwear, giving the scene a comical side.
"Oh yes, it is of interest ... at least I could try and understand what is going on in there." I tapped my finger on his chest.
"There's not much to say, Liz, really." (He spoke softly, with hesitation. I felt that he was about to let go, to finally free himself ... what was he hiding that was so terrible? Then he seemed to change his mind.) "It's just a seedy story of an abandoned, pregnant woman, who married a rotten ... a rotten apple who couldn't stand the sight of the boy and made him pay dearly, very dearly..."
"The little boy, was that you?"
"Yes."
"But then, Jesse Goodman, the financier is not your real father? I thought you set up your firm thanks to him..."
"Well, you were wrong! Even if I wanted his help, he would have refused! He was too busy building up his fortune for his son, the legitimate offspring!"
His tone was harder now. The mention of his father obviously put him in a state of rage that he could not contain. He took a deep breath:
"Anyway, all this doesn't really matter ... he can't do anything to me anymore. If he dares try, I will strike back..."
"You mean he hit you when you were a child?" I was appalled that such practices still existed, and even more so in high society. "And I didn't know that you had a brother..."
"A half-brother," he immediately corrected me. "And if you really want to know everything, yes, he struck me! If that is a strong enough word to describe what that lousy swine made me go through. He would have wiped me from the slate if he could have ... But he didn't succeed. And here I am! Enough, Liz, I don't want to talk about this.
"I understand, Sacha ... I also understand why you reacted like you did when I thought you were going to slap me ... I'm sorry."
"Don't be, Liz ... I can't stand pity ... Alright? I'm no longer the little boy who couldn't defend himself. I couldn't bear to see that in your eyes..."
"And ... and your father? I mean your real father?"
"Ha-Ha," (his laughter curdled my blood. "He's no better than the other one! He abandoned my pregnant mother the day they were to be married ... and you'll never guess why. For my mother's sister. That’s right - for my aunt. Now do you have an idea of my family? Not very glorious!"
