Table of Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Introduction
PART I. - WATCHING MY ADDICTION CLAIM MY KIDS
CHAPTER 1 - AN ADDICT’S LIFE
CHAPTER 2 - A FAMILY HISTORY OF CRISIS
CHAPTER 3 - OUR SPIRAL DOWN
CHAPTER 4 - FALSE HOPE
CHAPTER 5 - HEALING FROM THE BOTTOM UP
CHAPTER 6 - LIFE WITH EARLY SOBRIETY
PART II. - WATCHING MYSELF FALL
CHAPTER 7 - MY BEAST, MY ADDICTION
CHAPTER 8 - THE PROGRESSION OF THE DISEASE
CHAPTER 9 - FROM BAD TO WORSE
CHAPTER 10 - STOPPING THE BEAST IN ITS TRACKS
CHAPTER 11 - THE TRANSFORMATION
CHAPTER 12 - CHALLENGES ON THE SOBER PATH
CHAPTER 13 - MY LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS
PART III. - WATCHING US RECOVER
CHAPTER 14 - DOES YOUR KID HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM?
ADDICTIVE FORCES
PHYSICAL SIGNS OF ADDICTION
TALK CHANGES
NEW OBJECTS
DIFFERENT SMELLS
TIME CHANGES
DISORDERLY TEMPER
BODY SIGNS
ADDICTIVE OPTIONS
CHAPTER 15 - ARE YOU ALL READY FOR TREATMENT?
CREATING YOUR TEAM
CHOICES FOR EVERYONE
CHAPTER 16 - DO YOU NEED HELP MANAGING?
HANG IN THERE, PARENTS
HANG IN THERE, TEENS
CHAPTER 17 - ARE YOU DOING WHAT WORKS?
DENIAL THAT YOUR CHILD IS USING
PERSONAL GUILT
ALLOWING THE SITUATION TO GET OUT OF HAND
ENABLING
NOT SETTING LIMITS
NOT TALKING TO OUR KIDS ABOUT SUBSTANCE ABUSE
CHAPTER 18 - WHAT IS STILL GOING ON?
CHAPTER 19 - ARE YOU AWARE OF THESE RESOURCES?
THE TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM
THE TWELVE STEPS
A SAMPLE RECOVERY MAP: LAUREN
ONLINE EDUCATION
Acknowledgements
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
SELECTED TITLES FROM SEAL PRESS
Copyright Page
TO JASON AND RICK. We’ll keep the light on.
INTRODUCTION
IF YOU ARE A PERSON who is struggling with addiction, please know that you are not alone. I know this from personal experience. A thread of alcoholism that began in my family generations before I was born came to greet me on the day of my birth. It culminated with the addiction of both my teenagers. Watching Lauren and Ryan become consumed by our legacy of family addiction, I experienced a parent’s worst nightmare. I occupied a front row seat, observing the self-destruction of my children through drug and alcohol abuse. I lived in constant fear. I believed that my daughter, Lauren, would never live to see her eighteenth birthday because her addiction was so out of control at one point. In Addicted Like Me, Lauren and I tell our own stories, though my story invariably involves my own ups and downs and challenges and victories, as well as those of my children. Ultimately ours is a story of hope and how we found recovery from the devastating heritage of addiction that has plagued our family for generations, but each of us—myself, Lauren, and Ryan—is testimony to the fact that addiction is not an easy cycle to break. Awareness is the first, all-important step. No matter what stage you’re facing—be it coming to terms with your family history, your own impact on your child’s addiction, their downward spiral, or their long-awaited recovery—being willing to face it, with your eyes wide open, and having the desire to effect change in your situation is what makes all the difference.
I was thrilled when Lauren agreed to coauthor this book with me. I knew then that both of our voices needed to be shared. I believe that Lauren’s telling of her own side of the story gives this book a powerful dimension that will help parents who are struggling for understanding, and will resonate with young people searching for a way out.
In telling our story, Lauren and I have ripped our souls bare. In the first two parts of the book we relive very difficult and painful periods in our lives. In the third part, we let you in on the strategies that lead to our success so that you are able to put yourself in the shoes of a teenager or a parent.
As I look back on the insanity of it all before Lauren and I embraced recovery, I wonder how I coped as a single parent. I did everything I could think of to try to stop addiction from consuming her and my son, but in the end, I had to admit I was absolutely powerless. Addiction is the responsibility of each individual. The hope to recover from addiction is in the choice you can make as an individual to change. This realization finally hit me when I recognized I had been standing on a set of train tracks with outstretched arms trying to stop a speeding train. As defeated as I felt, it was the turning point in our family’s recovery. I let go of trying to control what could not be controlled, and it was then that we began to find solutions.
Addiction is a disease that is deadly and serious. It is not a habit. I needed to learn as much as I could about this illness to help my family. When it comes to addiction, a lack of knowledge can be a recipe for disaster. All of us owe it to our kids to become informed. Most important, I discovered success after I reached out for help. Most parents feel that they should be able to get their kids under control, and I was no exception. The problem is that we are up against something powerful and insidious in addiction, and we need one another. You will need all the help you can get to achieve a successful recovery. The knowledge and support of others will become a power for you, as they have been and continue to be for me. Having an adult relationship with my children, who have suffered in very different ways, has opened a door into so many things I ignored or tried to wish away while they were growing up. But that approach only made the problems bigger. I had no clue that many things I was doing or not doing were allowing Lauren and Ryan to continue with their addictions. With all of the good intentions in the world, I was enabling them. I was unable to recognize the role I played in our legacy of addiction because I had tolerated unacceptable, addicted behavior for so long. My grandfather was an addict and so was my father, as was the first man I married, Rick. I was perpetuating this legacy by living in denial of the fact that it had come to live in my children.
Coming out of denial was painful, but I learned that denial is a dangerous place to be if you are the parent of an addict. The National Institute on Drug Abuse released some startling numbers for 2007. The numbers vary by year, and different drugs seem to fall in and out of favor with experimenting youths, but one thing always stays the same—more teens than not are trying drugs and alcohol. Alcohol: 72 percent of teens surveyed by the National Institute had used alcohol, 66 percent used within one year of the survey, and 44 percent used within that month.
Marijuana: Nearly 42 percent of teens reported that they had tried the drug, 32 used within one year of the survey, and 19 used within that month.
Prescription pain pills: 15 percent of high school seniors reported having used prescription painkillers to get high during the twelve months preceding the National Institute survey.
The consequences that our children are experiencing from drinking and drug use can be astonishing. Their judgment becomes impaired when they are under the influence of drugs and alcohol, and they make choices that have severe repercussions. The survey found that sexual encounters with risks of pregnancy, STDs, and HIV exposure, as well as date rape and other violence, can and do occur more frequently while young people are consuming large amounts of alcohol by binge drinking. These behaviors also lead to unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, and depression. Physical fighting and abuse can lead to major issues, including problems with the law.
These repercussions are just the tip of the iceberg as far as statistics go but certainly make a strong case for why our children need our help. Lauren could not help herself. She and I had to work as a team to put our likelihood of risk and repercussion to rest.
As my understanding of addictive realities progressed, I poured all of my energies into bettering myself so that I might help my children. I didn’t know things could be different for a family like mine until I was introduced to the information I had been lacking, the support I needed from others, and the encouragement that helped change my perception. Lauren and I want to be that encouragement for you. We have been through similar situations. We have felt similar things. We experienced a miracle and want you to have that experience, too.
I am not a professional, but I have discovered solutions that work. As I observe my children as they face their own challenges, I continue to hope that the foundations of recovery that they learned along the way will be remembered. The road to recovery can be a bumpy journey, full of relapses and bubbles of hope that often burst. Addicted Like Me is about my and Lauren’s experiences, but Ryan’s own journey plays a significant role, too. As of the writing of this book, Lauren believes she is an addict and continues on with her recovery program; Ryan feels that he is not an addict, and that his previous addictions do not affect his life today. As their parent, there were things I could have done better, and you, reader, must not despair if the techniques and suggestions we provide at the end of the book don’t work for you or your child. Sometimes the road to recovery takes years and years, and these solutions are not a template for success. This is our story, however, and it’s one in which Lauren and I share with you our journey to recovery as a team. You are not alone. Don’t ever give up on your child. You need one another to break the legacy of addiction. It is a beast, and it is powerful, but it is never as strong as the bond you can build in your family by breaking free into recovery together.
—KAREN FRANKLIN
2009
IT WAS HEARTBREAKING when I finally opened my eyes and saw that I was the cause of so much of my family’s pain. My mother was overwhelmed and scared. She ran around during the years I was an addict like a chicken with her head cut off, constantly grasping at straws in an effort to reach out to me. She was never able to rest or relax, because she was always worried about the next big bomb. When would it drop on us because of my addiction? Everything she tried to change for my brother and me would come crashing down, leaving shambles.
It was an absolutely devastating time for our family. My mom had cleaned up her own addictions years before I began to lose myself to the same beast that had consumed her. Tension was off the charts. My mood swings were outrageous. My mother walked on eggshells, wanting so much to bring me the healing that she had found, but I had constant anger toward her for interfering with my life.
I met every opportunity for change that she presented to me with a fight. I had no idea this resistance was a part of my disease. Addiction tries to find any way it can to survive and thrive. When I was confronted about my addictions, it only intensified my anger and the burden I felt from carrying so much rage around. It created a pressure inside me that nearly drove me crazy. I medicated myself with drugs and alcohol to cover up the pain I felt, meanwhile causing everyone I came in contact with to suffer.
As a teen, I tried any high that came my way. I didn’t discriminate against any drug. It didn’t start out that way, but year after year I found myself more willing to try anything, and do anything, for a high. When I began using drugs and alcohol, I withdrew from my life. It seemed inevitable, and is now evident, that the beast of addiction was devouring me.
My thinking was altered after I lost myself to addiction. Lying became a priority to keep addiction the most important thing in my world. I found myself willing to hide my secret at any cost. If you are living with an addict, you have to remember that you are up against secrecy, shame, and an intense desire to retreat from everything, even the healing that you may be yearning for underneath it all.
My mother first approached me with the idea of writing this book many years ago. Initially, I was excited to start the project, but once I began to write I found it draining to relive the nightmare we had experienced together. Feelings of regret engulfed me. I began to think about all the pain I caused my family. I feel deep remorse for the people who crossed my path during the time that addictions ruled my life. I may have influenced many people to try drugs and alcohol. It has become my mission to right this wrong, to write this book, and to speak out about recovery. I want to give others the hope I was given as a tribute to every person I may have victimized.
In my section of this book, I take you through the journey of teen addiction and how it came to take over my life. I try my best to remember the feelings I was experiencing, and the justifications I made up, to give you an idea of how a drug user thinks. There were times while writing about this part of my life that I didn’t think I would be able to finish sharing the sort of person I used to be. I had doubts about opening myself up to admit my failures, mistakes, and vulnerabilities. However, the fact is that no one can tell my story better than I can. Let my story begin to show you the way.
Anybody can sit and point the finger and say an addict has to change. It wasn’t until I was shown how to start making changes, and the people around me began to educate themselves, that I was able to make the decision to hope I could be different. It didn’t take just my willpower to choose hope; I also needed to be shown that I was worth believing in. It has not been easy to believe in myself. Faith in my own personal power to remain sober is something that I will always be working on, just as you will if you begin recovery by reading this book.
In recovery you can expect to sit in the front row of your own life instead of hiding in the back, withdrawn. I think about my own two children and the world they are growing up in. I wonder if they will experience the same addictions I faced because our addiction is a family legacy. I wonder if the beast of addiction will wake in the next generation and become stronger, or if my mother and I have tamed the beast for good. These are questions that can only be answered with time. It is now my turn to educate, and my time to protect my children, and to engage others in a conversation about the road out of addiction and toward recovery. I am proof that a legacy of addiction can be broken, even if it is a family affair that has lasted for years.
—LAUREN KING
2009
PART I.
WATCHING MY ADDICTION CLAIM MY KIDS
A Mother’s Story of Inherited Addiction and Abuse
CHAPTER 1
AN ADDICT’S LIFE
AT AN EARLY AGE I learned unconsciously that the way to cope with life was to abuse substances. My grandfather abused alcohol and then abandoned my father and his siblings. My father abused alcohol and then abused our family. After my mother passed away from cancer, my sister married and moved, and my brother joined the Air Force. I was left alone to receive my father’s rage. At first I abused food but quickly turned to abusing other substances to numb my pain.
I remember taking my first drink at thirteen years old. A girlfriend invited me to go drinking with the crowd she was hanging around with. Because I didn’t know what effect drinking would have on me, I was insecure about the invite. The night before we were supposed to go out with her friends, I decided to do a trial run. At home alone I drank two big glasses of vodka and orange juice. I felt numb, but only a little dizzy. I felt relieved, like I could do it. It was essential for me to appear as if I knew what I was doing because of my hunger to be accepted. It was propelling me into a state of internalized mental and emotional anguish to live alone with an alcoholic father who was prone to heated rages after the death of my mom. I was lonely, chronically distressed, and full of shame.
I felt that somehow my life situation was my fault. I desperately needed the acceptance of my peers because I felt so bad about myself most of the time. I wanted to be viewed as normal and put togethe
r by the outside world. I had learned I could handle a night out with friends drinking from my trial run. It was not going to be a big deal, and I wouldn’t be made fun of. I knew that if someone were to make fun of me, it would just confirm my suspicions of what I already thought about myself, which wasn’t worth the risk.
The next night a group of us went to a park where some boys showed up and brought the alcohol. I was pretty confident from my previous experience, so I acted like a pro. I don’t remember anything after being at that park because I blacked out. The next thing I knew it was morning. I woke up in my girlfriend’s bedroom, the room spinning, and she told me I’d been hysterically funny the night before. She also told me I had gotten really wasted and thrown up several times in a car. The boys had dropped us at her house, and she had had a heck of a time getting me up the stairs to her bedroom.
That was just one step in my process of becoming addicted. I started smoking a year before, at twelve, smoking marijuana at fourteen years old, and taking hard drugs at fifteen. I became bolder as an addict, and I liked it. Because I had experienced disappointment so often growing up with my alcoholic father, my expectations had always been for the worst. My fears would grow inside me until they permeated my entire being. Once I got into drugs, I felt less fear. I spent most of my time away from my father. I stayed out at friends’ houses to party on the weekends, and it was a relief to be rarely home.
When I was home, I began to stand up to my father’s drunken rages. I also began to lie and steal. I would later see the same signs of boldness in my daughter and son, Lauren and Ryan, as their addictions progressed. At fourteen I stole my first painkillers from my father. His pills had been prescribed following an emergency appendicitis surgery, but he prided himself on not taking any pain medication. I think the alcohol probably did the job just as well, so his pills went untouched. He didn’t miss them a bit when he returned to the house after his operation. The day he came home from the hospital, he got in the car and drove straight to the local Veterans of Foreign Wars bar, his home away from home.
Addicted Like Me Page 1
