King of Hell

by Melody Rose

“You know, the decisions,” I responded, “The who-gets-sent-where decisions. How do you decide which souls go to Heaven and which go to Hell?”

  “Ahh,” he said softly, “Those aren’t decisions that I make. I don’t know the exact science behind it. Though I’ve been doing this long enough, so I can usually tell beforehand. We place bets. I’ve got a weakness for gambling, but I’m usually right, so what’s the harm, right?” Asmodeus shrugged and grinned guiltily.

  “So, can you tell me what you think, at least? Like what would get you to place a bet on someone coming here?” I gestured around us.

  “Maybe another time,” he continued smoothly as he got up and folded his chair back up and tucked it under his arm to take with him, “I’ve got other things to attend to. You have a good night. Keep your spirits up, darling, and you’ll be just fine.” He winked, and he walked out the door, closing it behind me and leaving me to my own thoughts, my AC/DC earworm still floating around in my head.

  5

  Evelyn

  I was standing out in front of my elementary school, my plaid skirt and white collared shirt wrinkled and unkempt from playing tag on the playground at recess. I felt the straps from my Mickey Mouse backpack resting on my shoulders while I waited for my dad to pick me up. I was happy, and I couldn’t wait to see him, to tell him about my day. We had learned about the Archangels in religion class.

  I stood there for a long time alone. I finally felt a familiar wind blow-by and knew my dad was there. In front of me, a single white feather tumbled across the sidewalk.

  “What’s your name?” I heard a woman’s voice in the distance, soft and polished.

  “Hello?” The tone was curious now.

  “What’s your name?” it snapped, and I came to.

  I opened my eyes to see familiar Louboutins in front of me. I looked up the pair of long, well-toned legs to find they belonged to the blonde woman who was force-feeding meat to a vegan yesterday.

  “Do you have one?” The blonde’s voice was sharp and impatient now.

  “Have one, what?” I replied groggily.

  “A name.” She sounded irritated. “What’s your name?”

  “Evelyn. My name is Evelyn.” I slowly pushed myself to a seated position. I was still groggy, and half of my mind was still in my dream, looking for my dad outside of school. I rubbed my eyes and massaged my temples, elbows propped on the edge of my knees. After a moment, I looked up at her. Her shoes were the first thing I had noticed. She must wear heels often because her calves were ridiculously defined. Her dress hit just below the knee and looked strangely familiar. I could have sworn I’d seen it before. One well-manicured hand was on her hip, the red polish a nice touch considering the brand of shoes she had on. Her hair fell like a waterfall smoothly over her shoulders, catching what little light was in the room and reflecting it back. Her eyes were a unique shade of green, and they were watching me sharply. I looked around my new home and recalled yesterday’s events. It slowly came back to me as my dream faded into the distance, forgotten. My senses heightened, and I was back, my brain sharp and ready to react. It slowly occurred to me that giving this woman a bunch of random information about me might humanize myself to her, and could get her sympathetic and on my side. But this wasn’t a normal situation. This was Hell, apparently, so who knew?

  “Stand up, Evelyn.” I stood up slowly, and she looked me up and down. “My name is Lilith. You’ll be with me today.”

  Lilith. Lilith? Adam’s first wife, the one who wanted to be treated as an equal, so she got kicked out of the garden? That Lilith? I always admired Lilith and loved her story. No woman wants to be Eve. Lilith was powerful, Lilith was strong, Lilith was… absolutely gorgeous. Her hair looked like strands of pure gold, and her eyes sparkled like emeralds. She looked like she was about to laugh it up with some friends over some strong drinks. She also looked like she could kill me with one look. I didn’t want to piss her off.

  “Follow me,” Lilith calmly demanded as she turned and walked out of the room.

  I looked down and watched the shackles fall limp on the floor before following her out of the room. I really wanted to brush my teeth. I’d been down here long enough.

  Lilith brought me into that long flickering hallway of torture rooms before stopping in front of an open door. “This is my office,” she stated as she gestured inside, and I looked around.

  It was a white room… and that was it. A large room, with a white marble tile floor, white painted walls with thick, ornate white moldings, a white French door with sheer white curtains, and a white ceiling. It also looked incredibly clean and considering it was pure white, it was easy to tell. Lilith raised her hand and snapped her fingers, and a small white table appeared in the middle of the room with a white folding chair behind it, shimmering into view almost as if it were a mirage.

  “I’ve been on a food kick lately,” Lilith said cryptically as she walked past the table, dragging her finger along the edge. When she reached the end, a wide variety of breads and pastas appeared on the table. I saw small round multigrain rolls in a plain wicker basket, thin slices of garlic bread with chunks of garlic that were visible from back where I was standing, and breadsticks that looked like they were taken straight off a table at an Olive Garden, steam still coming off in whisps, nestled in their white cloth napkin. There were also several ceramic bowls, all containing a full serving-size of different kinds of pasta. One bowl had spaghetti bolognese, the peas adding a pop of color to the red sauce. Another bowl had penne vodka, it’s sauce a lighter, fainter version of the first. A third bowl had what looked to be a white wine sauce with bits of shrimp tossed in with the angel hair pasta. It all looked and smelled amazing. The scent of freshly baked bread wafted past my nose, and the hint of garlic made my mouth water. I had to admit: I was confused.

  I took another huge inhale, soaking in that fresh bread smell.

  “What is all this?” I asked curiously.

  “This is a personal favorite of mine,” Lilith responded, a note of amusement in her voice. “Want some?” She gestured to the table with an open hand.

  “What’s the catch?” I hesitated. This didn’t seem right.

  “None, whatsoever,” she floated. “For you, anyway. Here.” Lilith grabbed a multigrain roll and handed it to me. It was soft and warm, the kind you dive into at a nice Italian restaurant, and then before you know it, you’ve eaten all of it before your dinner arrives.

  The door opened, and an older, short-statured man pushed a woman inside and shut the door again. The woman had mousy brown hair and was wearing a tattered and rumpled pink house dress. She was slouched over and had bags under her eyes.

  “This is all for you!” Lilith exclaimed. “No catch. These are the best artisan breads I could find, and the pasta is outstanding, as well. There is nothing quite like it! You deserve it after all you’ve been through.”

  “But… I have a severe gluten allergy.” The woman’s voice trembled. “I could die.”

  “You’re already dead,” Lilith reminded her. “You’re just going to wish you could die.” I could hear the glee in her voice.

  Lilith steered the woman over to the table and sat her down. The woman looked around but didn’t reach for the food.

  “Oh, she’s shy,” Lilith teased as she picked up a piece of bread and proceeded to send it flying toward the woman’s face. “You eat, or you’ll regret it.”

  The woman seemed resigned to her fate. I gathered this wasn’t her first experience down here. She started eating, and I knew that I did not want to stay in this room for too long.

  Luckily, I didn’t have to, because Lilith beckoned for me to follow her again. While I was thankful for the out, I was wondering what else was in store for me. Lilith simply took me into an adjacent room through the French door. Inside, I saw a small wooden dining room table with four chairs around it. I noticed an array of cheeses, crackers, pretzels, and fruits on the table, along with two large glasses of water. I looked around
the room and noticed the dark hardwood floors and pale gray walls. The exposed wood-beam ceiling tied the room together nicely.

  “Sit. Eat.” She pulled a chair out for each of us. I sat down, put the multigrain roll down on my empty plate, and took a huge gulp of water. I was parched.

  “She drove off after her hit-and-run,” Lilith informed me, sitting in her own chair and helping herself to a plateful of food as if we were simply making small talk about how our mornings went. “Everyone in the other car died. There was a state-wide manhunt for her. She never admitted to it. Never showed any remorse.”

  I silently set a plate up for myself. I hadn’t asked why the woman was in the other room, and I hadn’t wanted to know. It did bring me some solace knowing that she deserved it, but I was still wrapping my head around the idea of being down here for all eternity, complete with a never-ending punishment.

  “So, how did you do it?” I looked up from my plate to see Lilith staring at me, one hand resting on the table, waiting to pick up some food.

  “How’d I do what?” I asked. I shifted my multigrain roll over to make room for some more cheese.

  “Shoot him. Successfully, I mean.” She looked incredibly serious, her head tilted slightly to the side. “A few inches over, he would have been done for.”

  “Man, look.” I exhaled forcefully, dropping my hands to my lap. “I pulled my gun from the holster, aimed, pulled the trigger. It did what guns do. I hit my intended target. I didn’t know there was an exception to the rule.”

  “He doesn’t bleed, you know?” She positioned herself to face the table fully and started assembling a small cheese sandwich with her crackers. “Like, ever. He’s immortal. You made him bleed. You almost killed him. That’s a huge freaking deal here.”

  “I get it,” I replied, as I carefully selected the perfect grape. “But I don’t have any insight. It just happened.” It reminded me of a story my grandmother told me when I was very little. It had to do with an angel who came down to Earth to visit, but he had to be careful because he could get hurt, being exposed to our world like that. I couldn’t remember the details.

  “Do you have any special abilities that you know of?” Lilith pressed. “What about your family? Have you heard of anything like this happening before?”

  “I never knew my dad’s side of the family.” This was it, the whole humanize-myself-for-sympathy part, so I decided to lay my family history on the table. “My mom raised me after my dad was killed when I was young. My grandma helped. That’s it. Other than a few old handguns that were passed down by my father, I have nothing to remember them or get to know his family by.”

  I popped another grape into my mouth as I continued. I felt the satisfying snap of the skin of the grape between my teeth as the juice was released. “As for my mom’s side, that is incredibly mundane. They are all into either knitting or crocheting. I could never knit, but I can crochet for sure. Otherwise, we are a pretty boring bunch.” I popped another grape into my mouth and quickly realized I needed some cheese to contrast the sweetness of the grapes.

  Lilith looked deep in thought. “What kind of handguns?”

  “An old M1911 from the second World War. A couple of hunting rifles. They’re pretty cool.” I shrugged. “I don’t shoot them, though. I have my own. Would rather keep those as memorabilia.”

  “I’ve always found handgun history fascinating,” Lilith replied with some sincerity. “The technology has come a long way. Some of these guns today are downright gorgeous, and there’s no stress reliever like a good day at the range.”

  “That’s for sure,” I replied. Who knew? I had something in common with Lilith.

  “What was your dad’s name?” Lilith floated out casually as if asking how the weather was.

  “I… Why?” I stopped chewing for a moment as I contemplated her intention behind the question.

  “Well, maybe I can find out where he is,” she offered. “No promises. But I’ll look into it.”

  “You can do that?” I asked, cheese still half-chewed in my mouth. The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind to look for him. The idea was beyond my comprehension at the moment.

  “I mean, maybe.” Lilith shrugged. “It’s worth a shot.”

  “George,” I said, a hint of hesitancy in my voice. “George Hernandez.”

  Lilith smiled genuinely. “I’ll see what I can do.”

  “Thanks,” I muttered. I honestly didn’t know what to say. It was a very generous offer, especially from a woman I had just met. Lilith nodded, and we ate in silence for a while.

  “So, how did you end up down here in Hell?” I inquired, trying to sound as casual as she had earlier.

  “Lucifer,” she stated simply, taking a sip of water. “I had about had it with Adam. He was my husband. Arranged marriage. Problem was, he expected me to submit to his every wish. I was nothing more than a trophy wife. I was not okay with that. I met Lucifer, and he showed me it didn’t have to be that way. He accepted me for exactly who I was. He was the first to do that ever.

  “It’s not that I haven’t met others since that have accepted me, but Lucifer and I stuck together this whole time. We think the same way. It’s easy and feels right, so we just… naturally maintained a partnership. Why mess with a good thing, right?” Lilith chuckled to herself as she took another sip of water.

  “C’mon.” She popped up out of her seat, popping the last grape in her mouth. “I’ll get you back.”

  I followed Lilith back to my little gross room with the shackles, but she left them undone. “Thanks for the break,” she stated as she shut the door behind me.

  I went from crocheting in the dark one day to spending the next day gossiping about guns and family history while a woman tortured herself in the next room. Hell was making my head spin. I looked around the room, grateful to have my hands free but still utterly grossed out by my surroundings. I wondered why I had been treated with kindness today, and what had changed from the day before.

  All I knew was that the day was young, and there was a lot more of Hell to experience. I wasn’t counting my blessings just yet.

  6

  Lucifer

  It had been a long while since I’d come up with new ideas for Hell. After countless lifetimes of torture and damnation, I had seen it all, and the monotony was wearing on me. I had expanded on the idea of torture for my own entertainment awhile back, and it did provide some good laughs while humiliating the recipient at the same time, but the unique ideas were coming few and far between.

  I was having a blast with this one, though. I ordered one of my unfortunate souls to dig through a landfill collecting dirty diapers, while I ordered another one to stay down here and clean them thoroughly with his bare hands. Two for the price of one!

  I had set this up in one of the spare rooms, as there was no way I was bringing literal shit into my own throne room. I chose one with a dark cement floor and dim lighting, to add a challenging visual element to this whole charade. One of my demons had previously set up a few upholstered chairs at the front of the room, so I left it all as it was, and took my seat in the center chair. I made sure to direct the pile of dirty diapers to the opposite side of the room, to spare my sense of smell.

  Lilith strolled in. “Well, I tried,” she shrugged and collapsed into the chair next to me.

  “What happened?” I asked, trying not to sound as intrigued as I was. This girl, Evelyn, was the first ‘new’ I had experienced in a looooong time.

  “Well, I got her talking,” Lilith sighed as she observed my latest form of entertainment. “She’s got some family stories, but nothing good. She has no idea why she was able to hurt you.”

  Lilith turned and looked up at me, tucking her golden hair behind her ear. “I didn’t get anything useful out of her, but I did get an idea. Maybe instead of threatening torture, we could play nice for a bit.”

  “Play nice?” I was confused. “Correct me if I am wrong, but this is still Hell, isn’t it?”

&nbs
p; “Yes, but… I still think we should play nice. Did you forget how to do that?” She kicked off her heels and crossed her legs, sinking back further into the chair. “If you’re nice to her, it will catch her off guard, and get her to warm up to you. Perhaps, when she’s comfortable, she will divulge some bit of information that will give you some insight into how this happened, and you can do your digging from there and get some answers.”

  She shrugged her shapely shoulders. “If she truly doesn’t know anything, torturing her seems like a waste of valuable resources. And I do believe she is sincere. She does not know anything about this.”

  I thought it over. Lilith was usually right about these things. This was probably the best way to handle this. I thought back to her advice after one of my many fights with Michael. She told me to be the bigger person and not to initiate it. Conflict with Michael on that level could have permanent repercussions, reaching far beyond just the two of us. Once my emotions had settled, I had to admit that listening to her was the right decision. There was only one downside to this current plan I could think of: It might be all kinds of awkward for me. I was never nice to anyone, except for Lilith.

  Lilith was different, though. We had so much history, our relationship was effortless by now. I considered her my equal partner, the only thing in existence I hadn’t either tortured, fought with, or created. When I met her in the Garden, it was the first time I truly realized that I wasn’t alone. All of that time spent fighting with Michael over my desire to make my own decisions had been isolating for me, and finding Lilith reaffirmed my choices. I really took a moment to appreciate her here, at this moment. She had had such a huge impact on my life since we met, and I wondered if she knew just how much of an impact it was.

  So, I wasn’t sure I could pull this off. Millennia of being a dick to people has a way of sticking with you. Old habits die hard. I absentmindedly watched as my tormented soul of the day wiped poop off of a diaper and laid it flat. He looked green. Ooh, vomit incoming. That’s when you know you’ve got the torture dialed in just right. I looked to Lilith and saw her evil smirk, and I knew she saw the same thing I did. She turned to look up at me again.