And This Too Shall Pass

by E. Lynn Harris

  “I think I’m going home after the game Sunday. But I’ll be back if I’m invited,” Sean said.

  “You’ve got an open invite if you’re talking ’bout me,” Zurich said. Just the words Sean wanted to hear.

  “Thanks, man. What are you doing after you finish here?”

  “I’ve got to take MamaCee back home. Why? Whatsup?”

  “Oh, I just had something I wanted to talk with you about,” Sean said. He had made the decision earlier in the day to tell Zurich how he felt about him. His feelings grew every time he was in Zurich’s presence.

  “You want to talk about it now?”

  “No, I mean, it can wait. But if you’re up to it, maybe we can go over to the stadium and talk,” Sean said.

  “I don’t know, man. It will probably be late. I’ll see. But maybe instead of the stadium, we can go down by the lake instead. Let’s just play it by ear,” Zurich said.

  “That’s cool,” Sean said as he placed his hands on Zurich’s shoulder. Zurich looked at him and smiled. He always enjoyed his talks with Sean and he had something he wanted to share with him, too.

  Inside Gina’s apartment everyone was gathering around the large mahogany dining room table, where Gina and Rosa had placed a feast of shrimp and sausage pasta, Caesar salad, boiled corn, stuffed peppers, and bread.

  “Gina, this looks so good, girl. Looks like you and Rosa put y’all foots in this meal,” MamaCee said.

  “This does look great Gina,” Tamela said.

  “I hope everybody likes it. We’re going to do buffet-style and before we say grace I have an announcement to make and I think Zurich has something he wants to say. Right, Zurich?”

  Zurich nodded his head and said, “Yeah, Gina, but after you.”

  Everyone lined up beside the table and piled food on their plates, commenting on how good every dish looked. Sean was between Tamela and Desiree and the three of them talked about the food. Then Tamela asked how long he had been a reporter and when his story on Zurich was going to run. Tamela was trying to keep her mind on something else besides her disappointment that Caliph had not shown up. Nor had he called her when she checked her answering machine before Gina rang the dinner bell. She didn’t like the anxiety she was feeling and decided that this is what she hated about relationships, the nervousness when you didn’t know what the other person was up to. She was also getting mad that Caliph hadn’t just said he couldn’t come or that he had other plans instead of saying he would be there and acting excited about the invitation. She didn’t like the nervous flinch she felt every time Gina’s phone rang or anytime someone moved near the door. Tamela wanted to finish dinner, give her thanks, and go home and mope. Another no-good man bites the dust, she thought, as she took a small bite of the tasty pasta dish, without realizing that everyone else was waiting for Gina’s prayer and announcement before eating. As Tamela swallowed the food, Gina was clicking a champagne flute with a fork and saying, “May I have every one’s attention?”

  Gina thanked everyone for coming and expressed how happy she was for Zurich. She thanked Tamela and Warner for their efforts and Sean for his work and a new friendship. She asked MamaCee to give grace, which she quickly began because she was hungry. After MamaCee’s prayer, which was as brief as a Baptist benediction, Gina asked for attention again and said she had an announcement. She looked happy and nervous.

  “I’m sorry my better half, Clarence, can’t be here tonight but he sends his regards. I really wish he was here tonight, because this evening, after several attempts, we’ve found out we’re going to have a new addition to our family,” Gina said as tears formed in her eyes. Gina went on to tell her guests that they would be adopting a new baby boy right before Thanksgiving. “Everything was finalized today and that’s why Clarence couldn’t be here this evening.”

  MamaCee said loudly, “Gina, baby, that’s wonderful. I’m so glad our peoples realize you don’t have to give birth to be a mother.”

  “Thanks, MamaCee. I hope you’re right,” Gina said.

  All the guests started clapping and saying congratulations, including Tamela, whose eyes suddenly filled with tears. So many tears that she put down her plate and rushed to the bathroom, where she cried into a pink guest towel to muffle her sobs. Why was she so upset that Caliph had not shown up? Were her feelings for him more than she was willing to admit? And why did the tears start when Gina made her announcement? Sometimes, secrets become so deep, even their keeper loses track of them. Tamela washed her face and returned to the party, although she wanted to stay in the bathroom to get in touch with her feelings, but she knew it would be childish to linger. When she walked out, Zurich came up to her and asked if she was all right and if there was anything he could do. Tamela assured him she was fine and encouraged him to go ahead with his announcement. Desiree walked over toward them, and Zurich asked her to stay close to Tamela.

  When it looked as if everyone had finished eating, Gina tapped her glass again, and said Zurich had something he wanted to say. Zurich stood at the dining table, after hugging Gina and whispering, “Thanks for everything, Gina.”

  Zurich seemed nervous. He did not like talking in front of people, no matter how small the crowd, so he stuttered a bit and then began to speak clearly. He imagined the guests as a crowd of reporters he had to address.

  “First of all I want to give thanks to my Heavenly Father, who is the light of my life. I want to thank all of you for your support tonight and for the past month, which has been a difficult one. I want to thank my grandmother, for being the mother I never had and my rock in good and bad times. The most important lady in my life. Thank you, MamaCee, and I love you with all my heart,” Zurich said. MamaCee smiled as tears started to roll down her face. She became so full of emotion she was rendered speechless.

  Zurich continued, “I want to thank Gina for all her help and to announce that effective immediately Gina DeMarco and DeMarco Management will be my sole agent.” Everyone clapped and Gina smiled proudly as she blew Zurich a kiss. “I’m also happy to announce that Tamela Coleman will be my permanent legal counsel, and I hope I never have to use her services,” Zurich said. Tamela gave a smile of surprise. Zurich had not told her his plans, but she was happy with his announcement. This was just the push she needed to follow up on opening her own firm. She looked at Warner, and he smiled without giving her any indication of what he might be thinking.

  “I also want to thank my new best buddy, Sean Elliott, for changing my opinions about the press and teaching me what a wonderful thing having a friend can be. Thanks, Sean.”

  Sean was surprised and touched by Zurich’s statement. He smiled at Zurich as a burst of chilly moisture formed all at once under his arms.

  “Okay, that’s it. Thanks again and now I’m ready to eat some dessert and go out and win some football games,” Zurich said as he walked over toward MamaCee. He leaned over and kissed and hugged his grandmother and said, “I love you, MamaCee.” With her usually strong voice weak with emotion, MamaCee said, “And MamaCee loves you, baby.”

  After taking MamaCee back home, Zurich returned to Gina’s to pick up Sean, who was drinking wine with Gina and Warner. Sean had a big smile on his face when Zurich walked in, and both Gina and Warner noticed. Moments later Gina said it was time for bed as she pointed toward the door. Before they left, she whispered thanks again to Zurich for the confidence he showed in her and told him that both the Chicago Tribune and Chicago Defender were running small articles stating that he was no longer under investigation.

  “It will probably be on page ten behind the obits,” Gina said.

  “Just as long as they print it,” Zurich said.

  “Did anyone ever find out why Miss Thing said you raped her?”

  “No, we may never find that out,” Zurich said.

  “Since that sister is in television, she needs to video tape her ass so she can see how she’s acting,” Gina said. “Now am I right or am I wrong?”

  “Hey, what can I s
ay? You’re always right, Gina,” Zurich said.

  Sean, Warner, and Zurich all rode down in the elevator and talked about the party and the great job Gina had done. Before bidding good night in the lobby, Warner mentioned to Zurich that he had made a wise choice in selecting Tamela as his attorney by saying, “She’s very good at what she does.” Zurich thanked him, and he and Sean headed to the Oak Street beach area near Lake Michigan.

  Zurich drove down Lakeshore Drive and took the Oak Street exit. He and Sean got out of the car and located a bench facing the peaceful waters where they sat for a few moments in silence. The night was quickly turning cool, and the cold air whistled. The sky was dark blue, almost black, except for a thin strip of moon along the east side of the lake. Gray clouds streamed across the sky and the shadows looked like ghosts. The visions of the clouds caused Zurich to think out loud.

  “Those clouds are beautiful. You know when I look up at the sky on nights like this, I think the clouds are like cities in heaven. And when I see a thin cloud floating all alone, I sometimes think maybe it’s a soul in heaven moving to another city. Then I wonder what city Zach is living in,” Zurich said as he stared at the moving clouds.

  “You think about him often, don’t you?”

  “Every day,” Zurich said.

  “So how you feeling, buddy?” Sean asked.

  “I’m feeling pretty good. Tonight was nice, tomorrow MamaCee will be on her way back home,” Zurich said.

  “You’re going to miss her, huh?”

  “Yeah, I will. You know tonight when I was taking her home, I asked her if she would be upset if I ended up being more like Zach,” Zurich said. Sean assumed he meant if he was gay like Zachary and he realized this might be as good an opening as he would get.

  “What did she say?”

  “She said, you’re already like Zachary! MamaCee said I’ve picked up a lot of his ways, like the way I lick my lips and arch my eyebrows. I thought that was pretty interesting.”

  “What do you mean interesting?”

  “You know, interesting that I’m becoming more like him every day. I think that’s cool ’cause my brother was very brave and honest. I always admired that about him.”

  “From what you’ve told me about Zach, I’d have to say you’re right. He must have been a very brave man living his life openly as a black gay man.”

  “Yes, Zach was very brave,” Zurich said softly.

  “So you don’t have any concerns about becoming more like your brother?”

  “No, I don’t think so,” Zurich said. There was a little self-doubt in his voice, which Sean noticed.

  “You don’t sound too certain, my friend,” he said as he slapped Zurich on the knee. His body felt as solid as marble.

  “Sean, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure, you can ask me anything,” Sean said.

  “How is it?”

  “How is what?”

  “Being gay … I mean I know we’ve talked about it, but how is it? Do you think you can be happy?”

  “I think you have to work at it. I mean it’s tough, but there can be some joy. I think gay people are looking for the same thing everyone else is looking for. Love. And don’t all of us deserve love?” Sean was telling himself, now is the time, tell him how you feel. But a part of him was still fueled with fear.

  “Yeah, I think we do.”

  “Have you ever been in love, Zurich? I mean really in love?”

  Zurich paused for a minute and then looked at Sean and said, “Yes, once. I was in love with this young lady, Rosalind Shepard, when I was in college. She was wonderful. I think I could have married her.”

  “What happened?”

  “Well, after about two years of a wonderful relationship, sexually and emotionally, Rosalind became saved and closed up shop. After she graduated, she went to work as a missionary in Africa.”

  Sean thought, Great, at least he has had sex. He was beginning to wonder if Zurich was a virgin in every aspect.

  “You know what’s funny?”

  “What?”

  “How people somehow always think sex and religion are not compatible. That the two can’t coexist,” Sean said.

  “Isn’t that what the Bible says?”

  “Oh fuck, Zurich, don’t go to that Bible stuff. Think about it. If not having sex would assure us a place in heaven, don’t you think everyone would stop doing it?”

  “Man, that’s deep. I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Zurich said.

  “I think our sexuality is a gift from God. It’s how we use it that becomes the problem.”

  “You never really answered my question. I mean about being black and gay.”

  “I guess for me there’s no way around it. I think the problems come from closer to home than a lot of us want to admit.”

  “How so.”

  “It could be easy to blame the problems of being black and gay on society as a whole, or the white gay community. But the truth of the matter is, we … meaning black gay men, could solve all our problems if we treated each other better. If we really truly believed that we deserved love in our life and that we could give that love. I mean real love to each other. Two black men loving each other completely, no matter what, could be a powerful thing,” Sean said.

  “Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of,” Zurich said.

  “What?”

  “I mean if I accept the fact that I might be gay, then I could at least look forward to having love in my life. I mean Zach had plenty of lovers in his life, but I don’t know if he ever had true love,” Zurich said softly. This was the time Sean thought. Now he should tell Zurich that he could have love in his life. That he already had someone who loved him. Sean could hear his heart beating and feel his palms began to sweat. He took a deep breath and reached deep down for the strength he needed to tell Zurich he was falling in love with him. His mouth opened, but the words wouldn’t come out. It was silent but for the waters rolling up to the shores and the sounds of seagulls. When Sean finally got the courage he was searching for, Zurich spoke.

  “I think I’ve found someone,” he said. Did Sean hear him correctly, did he say he had found someone? Maybe Sean wouldn’t have to bare his soul. Maybe Zurich was getting ready to do it for him. Sean felt as though he was watching a romantic fairy tale unfold before his eyes.

  “You’ve found someone?” Sean quizzed as he moved closer to Zurich. As he looked at Zurich and then over at the lake, Sean felt pure joy running through his body.

  “Yeah, Sean, I think I’m falling for this player from the New Jersey Warriors. I mean we’ve only talked on the phone a couple of times, but I’ve had dreams about him. Sexual dreams and he said he’d had the same dreams about me. We’re getting together next weekend, and if he feels the way I think he does, then I’m going to give it a try,” Zurich said firmly.

  Sean didn’t answer. He was in shock. It was as if his heart had stopped. His fairy tale was turning into a horror film. He wanted to take Zurich and shake him and scream to him, “It’s me, you fool. I’m the one that’s in love with you. That dumb, pretty jock isn’t going to do anything but hurt you. He can’t love you like I do.” But he didn’t say a word. His stomach was all mixed up with the incredible sensations of love and a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t look at Zurich. He just looked straight ahead at the water. Sean wanted to run into the water and swim in the ocean of self-pity, sorrow, and lost opportunities he felt. Zurich noticed the far-off look in Sean’s face and asked him if he was all right. He nodded his head in a yes motion. Then Zurich asked him if he had any advice for him and his new love.

  Very softly Sean said, “Make sure you protect your health. Make sure you protect your heart.”

  When Tamela finally got into bed around 1:30 A.M. Saturday morning she couldn’t sleep. She still had not heard from Caliph. She had called his number several times and kept getting his answering machine, but she didn’t leave a message. Tamela was worried that something could have ha
ppened to him at work. She started to call the station where he worked to see if there had been reports of any type of accidents, but decided not to. About 2 A.M., she got up to make herself some warm milk to help her sleep, when her phone rang. Tamela raced into her bedroom preparing to pick up her phone when suddenly she stopped herself. Instead of picking it up, she turned up her answering machine. After her announcement Tamela heard Caliph’s voice, “Tamela? Are you there? Pick up … pick up, baby.” Tamela didn’t pick up—instead she talked to her answering machine.

  “Pick up, baby. You messing with the wrong one. I’m not your baby.”

  Caliph continued talking into the answering machine, “Tamela, if you’re there, please pick up. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it. But I ran into a problem.” The answering machine tape clicked off. Tamela continued talking to the machine, “Yeah, I bet you ran into a problem. What’s her name? What’s your problem’s name, Caliph?” Tamela was getting ready to walk back into the kitchen when the phone rang again. She didn’t pick up and after a few moments she heard Caliph’s voice again, “Tamela, please, baby, pick up the phone. I need to explain what happened. I’m sorry I missed the party. I really wanted to see you tonight. Please pick up the phone … baby,” Caliph pleaded.

  “Please … baby, please. Negro, you need to stop begging ’cause I’m not the one,” Tamela said as she slowly turned the volume down on her answering machine and went to the kitchen to warm her milk. While in the kitchen Tamela didn’t want to admit to herself that she was relieved that Caliph was okay. Instead she thought, Negro didn’t have the decency to be in an accident.

  The morning MamaCee left Chicago, Zurich had another question for her. So a couple of exits before reaching the bus station, Zurich turned down the radio from the gospel station MamaCee was listening to and asked, “MamaCee, are you sure you wouldn’t be disappointed if I turned out to be just like Zachary? I mean, in a certain way.”

  “What are you talking ’bout, baby? You are like Zach. I told you that the other night. You two will always be one and the same. And just like all my babies, I will love you no matter what.”