by Alex Fall
Here it was silent. No one was watching, no one was looking for me, no one cared. Nobody ever does, because I'm so hideous. I attacked the Greater to save the girl and to stop the Usurpers, but in the end I made no difference. All I accomplished was unleashing my anger and making the Dwellers hate me. That look on the girl's face...I can't help anyone. I'm INCAPABLE of helping anyone. I even started to attack Dwellers. Pain coursed through my healing burns and the aching returned. I craved sleep meds. My hands hurt where the skin split from beating the Bolt. A fresh burn or two throbbed. I nestled further into the corner, but a cold drop of water hit my neck. Out of anger, I ripped the tiny pipe section off the wall and chucked it outside. A couple of birds flew away, but one fell over. I crawled over to see that I hit it with the pipe and killed it.
A sparrow. No, please no...
Why does the death of this bird bother me so much? That's not normal for me. What am I thinking, I am not normal! I'm broken and inhuman. I don't belong anywhere or with anybody. All I'm good at is fighting and killing. But I don't hurt innocent things, that's not me! The bird, I didn't mean to! I don't want to be the thing the Directorates made! I don't want to be a weapon! I only ever wanted to be a normal, innocent girl, but now I never can be, because I'm such a HIDEOUS MONSTER!!
Tears started welling up in my eyes and a pit formed in my stomach. I wanted to pick up the bird, I wanted to save it, but I didn't know what to do. My only reaction was to cry.
I choked on my tears when I realized what I truly am. I'm not just a monster...
I'm such a Program!
* * *
The sunlight started to have that afternoon color to it by the time I made it back to the school. I had finished up being weak at the oil station and returned to the Dwellers, avoiding any Greaters whether they were searching for me or not. I heard the roof boy run and alert someone inside that I came back once I came in sight. Without waiting for anyone, I entered the building on my own accord.
Inside was different. There was more space, more avoidance. No....there was more fear. I went straight to my room and sat on the mattress, rubbing my face. Even after cooling off at the oil station, decompression was not coming so easily. Plus, Sharon wasn't around. Did she finally find someone else to cling to?
Gunth knocked on my door, but entered without waiting for my answer. He had a swollen bump on his face where I had hit him, and a healthy respect that was now reflected in his speech. "Um...I'm sorry if I did anything to make you upset earlier..."
I scanned him, wondering if he expected me to apologize back.
He cleared his throat and continued. "So where did you go afterward?"
I continued to examine him, wondering why he was here.
He scratched the bridge of his nose and looked down the hall at irrelevant goings-on. "Are we glass?..."
I nodded slightly. "We're glass."
"Do you mind if I show you something then?"
I fixed my gaze on him, but didn't give him an answer.
"It's not here. You'll have to follow me...if that's ok."
I stood and followed without words. I didn't particularly feel like talking right now, though when do I ever? He led me to a small room at the end of a hall. Inside were several young people and children, one of whom was the girl the Usurpers had. She glanced up at the opening of the door, but as soon as she saw me, she went stiff and looked away. The look of unspoken fright on her face struck me like it did when I saw her in the alley earlier. Everyone just grew quiet and stared at each other, but mostly at me.
Gunth gestured silently like he wanted me to say something to the girl.
"Clearly I make everyone here uncomfortable," I announced blatantly. I don't know what Gunth was expecting to happen, but I'm pretty sure he didn't expect me to turn around and make my way back to my room.
"Sapphire eyes? What the heck?!" The boy interjected as he stepped in front of me to stop me in the hall. Low level irritation simmered in me and he stepped back after noting that.
"What were you thinking was going to happen?" I questioned.
"I don't know...maybe that you'd show her that you're not so bad."
I stepped up to his face, which made him step back against a set of lockers on the wall. "Ha! Do you know who I am? Do you SEE the way I look? What the *cuss* makes you think I'm not so bad?!"
He stared at me and swallowed. At a sudden change in his demeanor, he stepped up to meet my face. "Because you helped us! Why would you keep yourself distant from those you help?"
"I didn't help anyone! I went to HURT people!"
"You saved Tish! You saved me!"
"You wouldn't have needed saving if you had stayed where you were!"
"What is it with Greaters thinking they're all high and mighty, like they're above being human?!"
"I AM NOT A GREATER!" I shouted. My volume took him back. "You think you have it hard, having a couple needles in your arm and being forced to live on the streets?!" Dwellers were beginning to gather in the halls to watch and listen. "You would be dead if you went through a FOURTH of the *cuss* I've been through!"
Tish, the girl I saved from the usurpers suddenly spoke, the first time I've heard her say anything. "You mean...you're not fighting for us?"
I glared at her, but realized her question was on every Dweller's mind. If I'm not fighting for them, why AM I fighting? The stress was building in me. Meds, I need sleep meds now!
I broke away from the conversation without another word and trotted back to my room. Once there, I shut the world out and frantically searched for my medicine bag. I found the sleeping pills but stress hit me again when I saw that I only had a few pills left. Have I really been taking that many? Doesn't matter, I'll have to get more later. I took four pills in a hurry and laid on my bed, waiting for them to take the edge off my craving and my stress.
"Sapphire eyes?" Sharon's timid, innocent voice asked. I sat up to see that she was standing in the hallway entrance that led deeper into the office, halfway hiding behind the door.
"What?" Hm, my voice sounded very stressed. I laid back down and waited on my meds.
"...nothing."
"Sharon, I don't like playing this game. If you say my name, you better have something to say."
There was still a long pause. But then she asked, "Are you ok?"
"What do you care?"
After another pause, I heard her turn and silently run away down the hall. Botches...I said the wrong thing. Ugh. I really don't feel like talking. Why do I have to deal with this child?
Upon rising to go search for her, I rehashed that there was a back entrance to the office area, which means she could be anywhere. It took a while to find her. The whole time my irritation grew, but the meds were working against my temperament, so I felt as if I never really got worse. I finally opened an old janitorial closet to discover her tucked between a bunch of buckets and filters the Dwellers kept around. She jumped in fright from me opening the door so quickly and stood with a horrified look on her face.
"Why did you run away?" I asked in a huff.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't think about it! I shouldn't have! I'm sorry!" She was sputtering out apologies and backing away, but she tripped on a bucket and fell back against the wall. She scooted herself into the corner and raised her arms in defense. "I'm so sorry! I got scared and ran! And then I hid because I ran away!"
I crossed my arms and stared. What is wrong with this child? At the first indication that I may enter the closet, she hid her face away as tears started forming. "Please don't beat me! Please!" she quietly pleaded, trying not to cry. I watched the girl before me break down in terror. My irritation slid off of me as I listened to her beg. Is this how she sees me? Am I this terrifying to everyone? The situation left me awkward and somewhat confused by what was happening. I found myself shaking my head at the sight, so I exhaled and exited. I don't have the patience to deal with that.
I returned to my mattress and laid down. The sleep drugs had finally abat
ed my irritation so now I just felt very emotionally drained and physically tired. Despite my fatigue, I grabbed the sleep pills and took the last remaining ones. Sleep gradually overtook me, and before long, the real world with all of its problems left me to rest.
Part 8
Anger.
I was curled in my cell, in the relative dark. It was light enough to see, but what's to see in here? I felt angry...But my anger was different somehow. More refined, less raw emotion like it actually was when THEY had me.
Wait, how am I able to think so openly in this dream?
The door creaked open, and my savior, Arty, was on the other side. Yet, the room on the other side of the door didn't look right. It was clean. Normally there was so much torture, and death emanated from that room. But this was different... Cleaner perhaps. Just the two operating tables with their lights, endless cabinets, sinks, and two glass doors that led to the refrigerator storage rooms.
Ah, Arty...his face was so strong yet gentle. Those deep blue eyes, his thick dirty blond hair, his strong and sure stature, all of it was....comforting. That look of care he was casting down at me brought a hint of a smile to my face. My anger slowly simmered away.
"It's alright. I'm here now." That's what he said last time I dreamed with him.
"This isn't how the memory goes," I said with a chuckle.
He came into the cell and slid down the wall, sitting next to me. "Are you cold?"
He took off his hoodie and draped it around me. Oh god, the warmth was just like I remember. Everything felt so real. "Heh, where's Elly? She here too?"
"She doesn't matter. I came here for you."
Whoa, what? It doesn't matter? Elly is the only thing that matters to him. He almost died SEVERAL times for her! Unless...this is the Arty from when he still had Dee around.
"And Dee? Is she around?" I asked.
He scooted uncomfortably close as he reached to embrace me. "There's no Dee around. Just us."
What the? Granted his attraction may not have been as strong as it is with Elly, but when Dee was alive, THAT was his girl. I have never been his girl, not even in my best dreams. This...this is not Arty!
I shoved him away and stood. Oh god, so much pain! I didn't have fresh burns the day Arty found me. Why is this dream so mixed up? "You're not the Arty I know! Who are you? Why are in you in my dreams?"
The dream Arty stared at me, puzzled. "What are you talking about? Since when am I not Arty?"
Gah! His voice matches, his warmth matches, everything about him physically matches! But...that's not him! "You're not Arty! You're a fake! Why are you here? Why did you give me this?" I asked loudly, throwing his jacket off of me.
"Because I'm trying to take care of you, calm down!"
"No! You protect people, but you don't take care of them! You take care of Elly! That's the Arty I know! Who are you?"
The fake Arty stood and put his hands up to calm me down. "I guess if you want to get technical, this is a dream you're having, so I'm really just a figment of your imagination...Ta-da!"
Oh my god! He even talks like the real Arty! But a figment? It would explain why everything fits his description. Fake Arty moved forward and grabbed my hand. Then he slowly and gently fingered at the burn marks on my arm. "I never knew all this stuff happened to you."
I yanked my hand away and stormed out of the room. This dream is incredibly free roaming. When will it end? "I told you it did. If you were real, then you would have known about it. Clearly you're just a fake."
"I'm just a figment of your imagination. Don't you even want to know why I'm here?"
"Because it's a subconscious response to the outside world stimuli such as social issues and thoughts that my head processes, completely free from the influence of my conscious mind. I can't control what I dream about, so tonight you happened to show up. That's why you're here."
He moved to stand behind me. His hands softly fingered at the burns on my shoulders as he said, "I suppose. Mostly I just want to help take care of you..."
"*CUSS!* Since when have you ever wanted to care for me? Get out of my head!" I shouted, throwing his hands off me.
"I can't do that."
"Get away from me!" I shouted.
His face seemed disappointed. "Why so angry?"
My irritation sparked, yet I struggled to stop myself. Don't...hit...Arty... "Why so angry?! What the *cuss?*"
"There's no need for cussing. It's not befitting for someone as smart as you."
My anger flared. He just called my words stupid! I yelled and punched at his face. "Whoa, Erin! I'm not trying to make you angry!" He explained after dodging my hit. Missing my target only made me angrier.
"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"
He dodged a couple more hits, but I finally landed a good one on his cheek. To my surprise, where I hit burst apart as if he were made of clay pottery and hollow inside. His body locked up and fell back, the rest of him shattering apart at the ground. The destructive sound might have been soothing to my mood, except another Arty put his hand on my shoulder.
"Erin please..."
I roared and tried again for another blow. It angered me knowing that not matter how hard I hit, he could just reappear as if nothing happened.
"Hayley! Stop!"
That name! It was so unexpected, I actually stumbled while advancing at him. I caught myself on one of the sinks. He knelt down by me, checking me over to make sure I was ok. I grabbed his shirt and pulled his face in front of mine. "I never told you that name. Where did you hear it?" I asked, concentrating my death stare at him.
He simply smirked, and answered my question as if my eyes had no effect. "I'm a figment of your imagination, remember?"
I gritted my teeth, furious that he used THAT name.
"Did I do something wrong?" He asked.
"Don't ever call me that name again..."
"That isn't your real name?"
"No."
He raised an eyebrow. "How do you know?"
"....I just know. There's no record of that being my name anywhere, and I have absolutely no memory of it."
"Why not adopt the name? In honor of being free of THEM?"
I let go of his shirt and walked back to lean on one of the counter tops. "That name doesn't suit me. That'd be like trying to say now that I'm free, I'm the same person I was before I was captured, whether that was actually my name or not." I looked up to meet his eyes with my own powerful ones. "And I am NOT the same person."
He smiled warmly as he walked over to put his hand on mine. "I think you may be waking up soon."
I pulled my hand from under his and scooted away to get some space. Back to the real world, with all of its marvelous things to look forward to...yeah right...
"You have a child with you? That doesn't seem like you at all Erin."
"Whatever."
"Hey...try to take care of her."
"What? How am I supposed to know what to do with the stupid kid? She doesn't even know how to take care of herself and-"
"Did YOU at her age?" He interrupted.
My face hardened. I refused to answer that...because I knew he was right. "I can't be her mother."
"But you are the next best thing. You make yourself scary and angry so that she'll be afraid of you, but she depends on you. She has hope in you I would even say. She just needs affection."
I shot him a blank look. "Affection?... Look at me. You actually expect me to give affection? You are an idiot, a *cuss* idiot."
"No cussing. And I know you can do it Erin. Just start off small. Listen to her, and try not be snappy with her. She's just a child, she gets scared easily. You were like that at one time too."
"You don't-"
My eyes popped open and reality greeted me. I felt groggy, but comfortable in my bed, which meant I wasn't tossing and turning during my sleep. What the heck was with that dream?
I was alone in the room yet again. According to my watch, I got a full night's sleep of six hours and thirty six min
utes. It was currently pretty early in the morning, and the sun was trying to rise. It was a pale blue outside, typical of early light. We had pretty much run out of the food me and Sharon brought with us, so I got up and started taking care of the typical things, like using the bathroom, body conditioning, and looking for food. Unfortunately, it was cold today...
My newer burn scars throbbed even still, the ache dulled by the last of my special medicines. It would take me a while to heal. I quietly walked through the cafeteria, rubbing the remaining sleepiness out of my face. After fixing myself a very basic meal, I noticed that girl, Tish, was watching from the cafeteria entrance.
"You're up early," I said.
"It's been a little hard to sleep since what happened..."
You have no idea what 'hard to sleep' is...
"Sapphire eyes? Are you really trying to fight the Benevolents?" She asked.
"Yes. They dominate everything. I hate domination."
Tish slowly entered and sat nearby at one of the tables. "So are you fighting for the Dwellers?"
I shrugged while staring off into space, slightly bored with the conversation. I continued eating, while she looked around, perhaps searching for something to say.
"Why do you hate the Greaters so much?"
"You don't?"
"I guess I do...but you seem a lot more..."
At the pause, I looked over to see that she didn't intend on finishing the sentence. "More what?" My eyes made her uncomfortable.
"More...angry. I'm sorry if I spoke out of line..."
"Do you think of me as a greater?"
She looked away, afraid of answering the question based on my reaction yesterday. She checked to see if I was still waiting on answer, and when she saw that I was, she barely, almost unnoticeably, nodded yes.
"Hm...." I turned back to staring into space. "What makes someone a Greater to you?"
"Greaters have powers. And they're...fierce." The last word was quiet, like she was ashamed to say it.
"My power is not the same as theirs. Greaters have their power handed to them like a gift, which makes them spoiled and demanding. Mine was forced into me with pain, not by choice. That makes me....the way I am," I explained. I looked over to see if she understood, but the sight of something else sent my whole body on alert. A red dot, the laser sight of a some weapon, was aimed at her chest, which meant there was possibly one aimed at me. I shoved myself away from the table and towards the ground.
