All of Poppa’s clothes were ruined. Although covered with smut, his watch and pipe appeared intact. His Bible lay at the bottom of the pit. Some of the pages had been torn out. I reckoned that Momma used them to start the fire. The cover was burnt off, and many pages were singed. But most of it had survived.
I stuffed a bucket with the things that were salvageable. When I was through, I walked over to Momma and looked down at her. “Can you get up?”
She didn’t answer, just tightened her lips and turned her head away. I put my hand out to help her, but she slapped it away.
“Zeke and I are going to Aunt Jenny’s,” I said.
“Ezekiel ain’t going anywhere. This is his home. Your home too.” She pulled herself to a sitting position and glared at me.
“Home is where the heart is.” I held the bucket up. “My heart . . .” My voice broke, and I couldn’t finish.
I walked away from Momma into the house, carrying the bucket. I pulled the pillowcase off my pillow, leaving smutty prints on it. I crammed in Zeke’s clothes along with mine and hurried back out.
Zeke still sat on the porch, crying.
“Come on.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet.
“I don’t want to go. I want to stay with Momma.” He jerked from my grasp.
I stared at him in exasperation. “Come with me, Zeke.”
He scrambled down the steps and slid to a stop by Momma, his eyes darting from her to me. I looked at him for a moment and then yanked his clothes from the pillowcase and threw them down on the porch.
I hesitated, holding out my hand one last time. Zeke shook his head. Tears stung my eyes.
I turned and ran all the way to Aunt Jenny’s, the bucket with the remnants of Poppa’s life bumping against my leg.
When I made it to Aunt Jenny’s, I stumbled up the steps and banged on the door.
Laurie opened the door. “Jay! You look like something the cat dragged in the kittens wouldn’t have.”
I pushed past her and went straight to Aunt Jenny.
A pot of collards simmered on their wood stove. Aunt Jenny beat the spoon against the rim of the pan and turned to face me.
Her eyes searched my face. “What’s wrong, Jay?”
Tears streamed down my face. I fell against her, and she stroked my hair for a moment. The bucket was still held tightly in my hand.
Jenny pushed me back and placed her hands on my shoulders. “What happened?”
I simply held the bucket in the air. Aunt Jenny took the bucket from me and spilled the contents on the table. Laurie came to stand beside me, staring at the blackened ruins on the table.
Aunt Jenny picked up Poppa’s watch and held it against her chest. “Grandpa’s watch.” Her eyes misted. “Who did this, Jay?”
“Momma,” I choked out.
Uncle Colt and William came in from outside. I slumped down in a chair and put my head down on the table, covering my head with my hands. Aunt Jenny and Uncle Colt murmured together for a moment.
“Where’s Zeke?” Uncle Colt asked.
Wearily, I raised my head. “With Momma. He wouldn’t leave her.”
Uncle Colt strode out without saying another word.
Aunt Jenny rubbed my arm. “Jay, you need to change clothes. That smoke will make you sick.”
I nodded my head, not caring. Aunt Jenny motioned for Laurie and William to leave. They tiptoed out, closing the door behind them.
Aunt Jenny heated up water on the stove and poured it into a wash tub. She gathered all that was left of Poppa, placing it back in the bucket, and left me alone in the kitchen. I undressed and stepped into the warm water.
I used a pitcher to pour water over my hair, and then I washed it with the lye soap. I scrubbed the rest of my body, blackening the water. The flour-cloth towel hung on a nail, and I grabbed it to dry off.
Rummaging in the pillow case, I found my sleeping clothes and dressed. I opened the kitchen door and went into the parlor where Aunt Jenny looked through Poppa’s things.
She pushed them aside and motioned me to kneel beside her. I knelt down and she combed my hair.
“I can do that,” I protested weakly.
“I don’t mind. Your hair’s so beautiful, as shiny as the wing of a raven.”
I sighed and settled into a more comfortable position.
After she finished combing out the tangles, she had me lie down on Laurie’s bed while she hung my dress outside.
I would need a dress. The funeral would be tomorrow.
As I stared at the ceiling, my mind refused to function even though all my senses were heightened.
I heard Uncle Colt’s heavy stride when he came back and the murmuring of his voice. A few minutes later, Aunt Jenny came to get me for supper.
Zeke was not with Uncle Colt. I sent Uncle Colt a questioning look, but he simply shook his head.
I picked at my food. Neither Laurie nor William spoke during supper. Uncle Colt and Aunt Jenny talked of neighbors and crops, but I paid no heed. After supper, Aunt Jenny insisted I go sit on the porch while the family cleaned up the kitchen.
Whippoorwills called to each other as darkness gathered. The family came out, one by one, none of them speaking. We listened to the sorrowful, lonely sounds of the night—the hooting of an owl, the howling of coyotes, and the croaking of rain frogs.
The earth mourned Poppa’s death. A numbness settled over me.
“What did she say about the body?” Aunt Jenny asked Uncle Colt quietly.
“Said she didn’t want it in the house.”
Aunt Jenny sucked in her breath. “What are the neighbors going to think?”
“Now, Jenny. It doesn’t matter. People are going to gossip no matter what.” Uncle Colt’s voice was calming and reassuring.
“But that’s my brother and Sarah Jane’s father.” She moved restlessly. “What’s Molly going to do when the neighbors and the preacher come to sit up with the body?”
“That’s her concern. There’s nothing we can do, Jenny. No need to dwell on it.”
“Such a waste to burn his clothes. Why, the Sampson family could have used them.” Aunt Jenny sighed. “If it hadn’t been for Jay, Granddaddy’s watch would have been ruined.”
I raised my head. “Aunt Jenny, where did you put Poppa’s things?”
“They’re on the back porch, airing out. I cleaned them up the best I could—got off all the ash.”
“Thanks.” Heat burned my cheeks.
Momma acting so crazy. I knew it wasn’t my fault, but still . . . And Zeke with her. Why had he refused to come with me?
Uncle Colt cleared his throat. “Laurie, go on and get ready for bed.”
Laurie rose and went in. No one spoke. We listened to the whippoorwills and watched the flashing of the lightning bugs.
How long ago had I helped Zeke catch the lightning bugs? Did he ever let them go or were they still in the jar? Was he clutching that jar tonight? What were he and Momma doing?
Such sadness washed over me that I had to stand. I went into the house without speaking. Laurie had dressed for bed and was brushing her hair. She was seated in one of the chairs by the fireplace and had lit a kerosene lamp. The light flickered around the room.
I went out the backdoor to the back porch. The moonlight reflected off the gold cover of the watch lying on the wooden shelf. A scene I knew by heart, a boy and a father on a hunting trip, a gun held loosely in the man’s arms, and a pointer at their feet, embossed the cover. I ran my fingers over it, and my heart overflowed with emotion.
Zeke would never go hunting with Poppa now. Would he even remember Poppa in a few years?
Voices came from inside the house, and I went back in. The family had gathered around Uncle Colt who had an open Bible on his lap. Laurie sat on the fireplace’s hearth, and she motioned for me to sit beside her.
Chapter 21—Love
I sat down by Laurie and pulled my legs up under me. Uncle Colt began reading:
“Beloved
, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. First John, chapter four, verses seven and eight.”
Uncle Colt cleared his throat. “Some bad things have happened the last couple of days.” His eyes swept the room, resting on me for a brief second. “But we have to trust God to see us through. Tomorrow’s going to be a tough day and all of us need to be praying. The most important thing is to remain strong in love.”
I nodded my head and joined the family as they all got on their knees in a circle. We clasped hands, and Uncle Colt began to pray.
“Dear Lord, how great and mighty is thy name. We come asking for a blessing on Molly and little Zeke. Keep them safe. Let them feel the comfort of thy arms around them. We also ask a special blessing on Jay. Let thy peace that passeth understanding fill her heart. Be with us tomorrow when our dear one is laid to rest. Thou knoweth all things. Help us to trust thee today and forever. Thank you for thy care during this time. In thy precious son’s name, Amen.”
Laurie squeezed my hand, and I squeezed back. A peace settled over me.
I kissed Uncle Colt and Aunt Jenny goodnight. Aunt Jenny held me tight for a few seconds. When she released me, I saw tears glistening on her cheeks.
Laurie and I shared a bed that night, and her presence gave me a sense of comfort.
That, and Uncle Colt’s prayer. I fell asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow
WHEN I AWOKE THE NEXT morning, Laurie’s side of the bed was empty. I stretched and went into the kitchen. Aunt Jenny was just finishing up breakfast with Laurie’s help.
“Aunt Jenny?”
She turned from the stove. “Good morning, Jay.” Her smile was unnaturally bright.
I shuffled my feet. “I’m going to need some clothes to wear.”
“I have a dress I’ve outgrown that I think will fit you. And some shoes, too. We might need to stuff some cotton in the toes. I’ll get it out after we finish breakfast.”
I nodded, unable to speak.
Clothes for Poppa’s funeral.
I breathed deeply, wishing the sun would race across the sky, and this day would end.
But the sun had just risen, and I knew it would be a long day.
UNCLE COLT DIDN’T DRIVE the wagon over to pick up Momma and Zeke, surprising me. I shrugged, not caring, trying to forget why we were traveling to church.
I huddled in the back of the wagon with William and Laurie. William gave me a tentative smile. Laurie held my hand all the way to the church building. Neither of them spoke.
We were the first to arrive. We walked into the empty church, Aunt Jenny’s arm around my waist as if she expected me to fall. Poppa’s casket of pinewood blended in with the wooden slats of the little church building. I shuffled across the floor, Aunt Jenny’s shoes threatening to fall off my feet. Poppa’s family encircled me as we reached the casket.
His brow smooth, his face peaceful as if he were about to break out in a laugh—so much like Poppa. Yet, this body was only a body. No more than an egg shell after the biddy hatched. I reached and stroked his cool cheek and then fell against Uncle Colt, sobbing.
Chapter 22—Goodbye
Uncle Colt led me to the front pew and sat beside me, holding my hand in his and patting it at intervals. Laurie went outside to the well and returned with a damp handkerchief. I wiped away my tears and composed myself. Aunt Jenny spent a long time at the casket, rubbing her brother’s arm and speaking to him as if he could hear. William hovered at her side, supporting her at times.
The preacher strode in the side door. He approached me first, offering his condolences. He moved on to Uncle Colt who stood and shook his hand. Uncle Colt walked with him to Aunt Jenny’s side, and they lowered their voices. Aunt Jenny kept looking over the preacher’s shoulder at me.
Finally, she came over and slid onto the bench beside me. “Your Momma’s not coming to the funeral, Jay.”
I searched her eyes. “Is she sick? Is Zeke sick?” My heart thumped in my ears. I pushed down the fear and concentrated on Aunt Jenny.
She shook her head. “No, child. They’re both fine. Some people have a difficult time when someone dies. It’s hard for them to, to . . .”
I nodded my head. “I understand.” I said the words, but anger slashed through me. When I needed Momma and Zeke most, they weren’t here.
Aunt Jenny let out a shuddering breath. Her stiffened back and her lips pressed together told me she too was fighting down anger.
Silence descended. I closed my eyes and prayed, prayed that this would soon be over with.
When I opened my eyes, the preacher walked to the door and opened it. People milled in and hugged and kissed me. None asked about Momma. I supposed Preacher Patterson had already told them.
Even Dan came by, twisting his hat around and around. He didn’t shake my hand, only offered a mumbled “sorry.”
After what seemed an eternity, the casket was closed, and Brother Patterson approached the podium.
He preached the funeral, but I didn’t hear any of his words, only the sounds of sobbing. I kept my gaze fixed on the casket as the minutes slowly ticked by.
When everyone stood to sing, Aunt Jenny pulled me up. I mouthed the words to Abide with Me, my throat tightened so that I could not sing. And then we were stumbling from the building with people pressing around us as we made our way to the graveyard.
When we gathered around the open grave, Aunt Jenny clung to Uncle Colt. William and Laurie stood next to them. I hovered on the fringe of Aunt Jenny’s family, utterly alone, and watched Poppa’s casket as the gaping hole swallowed it.
Brother Patterson led the recitation of the Twenty-third Psalm. And then someone sang Shall We Gather at the River. Other voices joined in.
After the final prayer, I turned, and Michael stood there, so solemn, eyes tender. I fell into his arms sobbing. He wrapped his arms around me and I breathed deeply of his scent. The lye soap, the scent of fresh clothes dried in the sun, and another scent all his own.
Uncle Colt gently pried me away, and we made our way slowly back to the wagon, stopping for more hugs and expressions of sympathy.
Once we were in the wagon, Uncle Colt hesitated. He looked at Aunt Jenny who shrugged her shoulders.
“Whatever you think we should do,” she said.
“People will be bringing food to their house. I think Jay needs to be with her mother,” Uncle Colt replied.
“No,” I said. “I don’t want to go home.”
“Jay, we need to check on Zeke.” Uncle Colt said. “And your mother.”
“Check on Zeke?” I was stricken. I had completely forgotten Zeke. “Okay.” I slumped down beside Laurie.
Uncle Colt slapped the mules with the reins, and we passed other wagons. I urged him silently to go faster. I longed to get away, yet I knew there could be no hope of escape today. The house would be crowded with people.
The mules plodded closer and closer to my home. My home. I let the words linger in my mind. It would never be home again, not without Poppa.
Uncle Colt pulled into the yard filled with several wagons. We climbed down, and I approached the house with legs trembling.
Momma sat in her customary chair at the kitchen table. Her always neat hair, straggling out of its bun, looked like an old, abandoned nest. She wore her oldest dress and no shoes on her feet. Her red-rimmed eyes looked us up and down before she spoke.
“Sarah Jane, take off those shoes. They don’t belong to you. And that dress too.”
Her hands folded around a coffee cup, the cup Poppa always drank from, perhaps the one thing of his she had not tried to destroy.
I stood rooted to the spot. The kitchen bustled with our neighboring women who had prepared a meal. Momma flicked her hand toward me as if shooing a fly. Aunt Jenny took my elbow and led me into my bedroom, Laurie following.
Zeke lay on his bed, very still. The image of a smaller casket rose bef
ore me, and I gasped.
Zeke opened his eyes and raised his arms. I picked him up and held him close, rocking back and forth. He wrapped his arms around my neck, and I heard Aunt Jenny and Laurie sniffling.
After a few minutes, Aunt Jenny took him from my arms and sat on the edge of the bed, holding him close and stroking his hair. His face was pale and pinched.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He nodded. “I’m okay.” His finger drew a circle on the quilt, and he glanced at me through his lashes. “Jay, there’s something wrong with Momma.”
I dropped to my knees by Aunt Jenny’s knee to search his eyes. “What happened?”
But he either couldn’t or wouldn’t say. He looked down, and Aunt Jenny shook her head at me.
She set Zeke on the floor, her hands on his shoulders. “Do you want to see Uncle Colt and William?”
Zeke nodded, and she clasped his hand. Laurie took his other hand, and they left me alone. I only wanted to stretch out on my bed and be left here.
I knew that wasn’t possible, so I did as Momma commanded me and changed my clothes and shoes. I brushed my hair, lingering as long as I could.
I half hoped and half feared that Michael would be there when I emerged, but he wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
I went in search of Zeke, out to the barn. Chance met me, and I paused to pat his sides and rub his head.
Chance followed me, and I found Zeke with Uncle Colt and William checking the livestock. Zeke seemed happy, and I lingered for a short while.
I wanted to be Zeke, to be picked up and pampered. I left them and went back in the house.
Tantalizing aromas filled the air. Fried chicken, pork chops, new spring potatoes, fresh turnips, cornbread, biscuits, and half a dozen other dishes filled our kitchen table. The men piled their plates high with food and moved out of the kitchen.
Aunt Jenny and Laurie were already seated at the table, their plates full. The ladies urged me to sit down. I obediently filled my plate.
Momma had not moved from her chair and still had her hands around the coffee cup. Her eyes wandered, unfocused, around the kitchen as Mrs. Yard fluttered around her with our old, dented coffee pot.
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