Copyright © 2014 by Jessica Gibson
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review
Cover designed by Lacey Weatherford
Edits done by Sarah Daltry
Formatting by Inkstain Interior Book Designing
ISBN-13: 978-1496018335
ISBN-10: 1496018338
To my wonderful friend Belinda Boring,
my sister from another mister—
I adore you! Your silliness and love
mean the world to me.
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Epilogue
FRANNIE, WAIT UP!” I YELLED and ran after the small girl in front of me. She never listened, always wanting to make her own way, to see everything.
“Hurry, Becca; we’re almost there.” Her smile was infectious.
Just ahead, I could hear the water boiling; the sound of the waterfall was deafening. “Hey, be careful,” I told her. “It’s steep on this side of the river.”
She didn’t listen, just kept running. “This is amazing; the water is making rainbows.” She turned back to wave me forward. I saw her slip and heard her shriek of terror as she tumbled off the side of the rocks into the rushing water.
“Frannie!” I sprinted to where she had fallen. There was nothing left of her, no trace. The water had taken her away.
I jolted awake, my nightgown clinging to my sweaty skin. The dreams were all different, but also the same. Frannie was gone before I could save her. Just like in real life. I couldn’t save her, and I was doomed never to get over it.
College would be different. I would be different. No one knew the person I was at home; I could be anyone I wanted.
I crept into my brother, Chad’s room. It was early, but I figured it would be easier to leave now than to deal with my mom. “Chad, wake up,” I whispered.
“Becca?” He rubbed at his eyes and sat up.
“I’m leaving now. It’s easier this way.”
He nodded. “When will you be back again?”
Not for the first time, I considered staying. The guilt of leaving him was going to kill me. “I’ll come home for Christmas. Then you and I can go somewhere fun, just the two of us.” I clutched him to my chest tightly.
“I’m going to miss you.” He smiled sadly at me.
“Back at you, kid. I don’t know how I’m going to get along without you.” I wiped at the tears streaming down my cheeks.
“You’ll be too busy to miss me.” He tried to sound nonchalant. It didn’t work; I could hear the tremor in his voice.
“I’ll never be too busy for you. Call me anytime, and I’ll be there. Just remember, it’s only a few more years, and then you can come with me.”
He helped me load my bags into the beater car I’d bought a few weeks earlier.
“See you when I see you.” He hugged me.
“Love you more than anything, Chad.” I kissed his cheeks and got into the car before I lost my nerve. I watched him in the rearview mirror until he disappeared behind the trees. This was the beginning of my new life. Anything was possible.
THEY SAY THAT TIME HEALS all wounds. I’m not sure I believe that. I think some wounds go too deep, and they fester. No matter what you do, they mark you, scar you. Some things just won’t go away, no matter how far you run.
Here it was, the first day of the rest of my life. I had never traveled outside of my small town, now here I was in Rhode Island going to Brown University. I was scared out of my mind that this was going to be a train wreck. I’ve never been what you would call good with people. I stood on the outside of my dorm room, staring at the drab red color. Was I supposed to knock? Should I just go in? I wasn’t sure of the protocol. Finally, I put on my brave face and turned the knob; thank goodness it opened.
A pretty girl with jet black hair and green eyes stared back at me as I crossed into the room. “Hiya, you must be my roomie. I’m Sadie; nice to meet ya.” She hugged me, which took me by surprise. I don’t generally like to be touched, but hey this was the new me, right?
“Yeah, I guess that’s me. I’m Becca.” I took a step back and dropped my bags on the carpeted floor. My hands came up to twirl my long auburn hair around my finger; it was one of those nervous habits you never know you're doing.
“Which bed do you want?” She gestured to the beds in the adjoining room.
“I’m not picky; you take what you want and I’ll be fine.” I picked up my bags again and wandered into the bedroom. It was decently sized for a dorm room, with a desk and bed for both of us and a closet and two dressers. Everything was done in various shades of beige, very bland.
“So, Becca, where are you from? I’m from California. This is so crazy for me. I’ve never been on the East Coast.” She talked a mile a minute.
“I’m from Washington,” I replied, and I prayed that she would leave it at that.
“Ooooh, so it rains a lot there, huh?” She stretched out on the bed closest to the window.
“Yeah, we got a lot of rain,” I murmured and set about unpacking my bags.
Sadie sat on her bed and watched me unpack; I swear I could hear her brain working. “So, what classes are you taking?” She was clearly trying to break the ice, and I knew I should let her.
“I’m taking general ed, I think, with a journalism class added in.” I took out my pointe shoes and leotards and set them on top of my dresser. I felt better; just holding them in my hands soothed my nerves.
“Cool, is that what you want to major in then?”
“Not sure yet. I think so. What about you?” I sat on the bed opposite her and fiddled with my auburn hair, trying not to be nervous. This is what normal people did; they talked with other people about their lives. I was normal now.
“I’m not sure what I want to major in. I mean it’s silly to expect someone our age to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives, isn't it? I’m going to take general ed, and a biology class. I’m leaning towards medicine, but I really don't know.” Her green eyes were animated as she spoke.
This was someone who wanted to know me, wanted to be my friend. It was sad that this was such a foreign concept to me. No one in my high school would give me the time of day. The only person who had told me I was special was my dance teacher. She had spent a lot of extra time with me, helping me hone my skills.
Everyone knew about me and my family. I was branded the second my dad did what he did, and that was the end of it. People thought I was crazy, so I was. People thought I was a druggie or a slut, so in their minds, that’s exactly what I was. I guess it was partly my fault, though; I never bothered to correct them.
“There’s a party on our floor tonight; want to go?” Sadie smiled at me expectantly.
“Um, sure, that sounds fun.” I tried to make my voice sound more confident.
Sadie spent the next hour telling me everything there was to know about her. I now knew all about the small town she was from in Northern California, and about her two brothers, and her parents. Also, how sad she was to leave her best friend, Cami, to come to school. She showed me
picture after picture of everything and everyone important to her.
“Don’t worry, there won’t be a quiz after this.” She winked at me. In that moment, I knew we would be friends.
We wandered around campus together for a while, trying to see where all of our classes were. I was also trying to scope out a place to dance. I wasn’t at all sure they had a studio here, so I would have to make do with what I could find.
“Okay, what’s next?” Sadie looked at her list of classes and held up a map of the campus.
“Please tell me you aren’t going to use that when school actually starts.”
“Why wouldn’t I? I don’t want to get lost. Look, those guys have one out, too.” She pointed to a group of guys all huddled around a map just like the one Sadie had.
“I see your point.” I laughed. “Do they have a dance studio?” I peered over the map.
“Oh, so now it’s not such a terrible thing to have the map, is it?” She giggled and searched the tiny buildings. “There.” She jabbed her finger on the paper. “Come on, it’s this way.” She grabbed my hand and dragged me along with her.
The studio was beautiful, all gleaming hard wood and mirrors. I sighed as I walked around the room, imagining myself dancing.
“How long have you been a dancer?” Sadie asked, leaning against the doorjamb.
I tensed, not wanting to share that part of myself yet. “A while.”
She narrowed her eyes, but didn’t ask more. I wanted to stay, but I let Sadie lead me out a few minutes later.
We walked for a while longer before going back to our room. I was exhausted and I wanted a nap before we went to the party.
“Do you mind if I grab a quick nap? I’m dead on my feet from the past couple of days.”
“Sure, you go ahead. I’m going to decorate the common room.” She smiled and left me to myself. We shared the common room with another two girls, who would be our suitemates, but we hadn’t met them yet.
As if on cue there was a loud banging noise at the door and a tall blonde walked into the room laden with bags, followed by an older couple I assumed were her parents. Looked like my nap would have to wait.
“Hi,” she said, her cheeks flushing.
“I’m Sadie, and this is Becca.” Sadie bounced with excitement.
“I’m Layla.” She smiled shyly. “Which room am I in?”
Sadie pointed to the other door. “You’re in that one. We haven’t met your roomie yet.”
Layla and her parents unloaded all of her things into the room while Sadie and I went back into our room. “Do you think it’s bad that we didn’t offer to help?” Sadie bit her lip.
I laughed. “No, we just unpacked all of our things already. I think they get it.”
“What are you going to wear tonight? I want to make a good impression, you know?” She was already heading to the closet.
“This? I don’t know.” I looked down and my worn jeans and green t shirt.
“Becca, you are so not wearing that tonight. Here, try this.” She tossed a short black skirt and tight pink tank at me.
“Sadie, you can’t be serious. We don’t know each other that well, so I’ll let the pink tank top slide this time. I don’t do short, and I never do pink.”
“Okay, filing that info away. So what do you wear then if not pink or short?”
“Black and long.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I don’t really go out a lot, and I’m really just a jeans and t shirt kind of girl.” I shrugged, feeling uncomfortable.
“That isn't going to fly with me as your new best friend.” She rummaged in her drawers for a few minutes and came back with something more acceptable. A black tank that had bronze studs covering the back. “You can even wear your jeans.”
She tossed me the tank, and I turned around and slipped my shirt off to put it on. It was for sure tighter than any shirt I normally would wear, but it looked nice. “Thanks.”
“It looks better on you than me.” She studied me. I felt a rush of emotion; no one ever complimented me. My mom was not exactly the warm and fuzzy type. She was more the criticize and hate type.
“I’ll be back in a bit. I need some air.” I grabbed my sweater from the bed and rushed out of the room. Great, now she’s going to think I’m horrible. My thoughts were jumbled, and none of them were good.
Sadie was putting on the finishing touches to her makeup when I got back an hour later. “Hey, where’d you run off to?”
“Just went for a walk.”
“You okay?” She turned to look at me.
“Yeah, sorry. My life has not been what you would call easy. I’m not used to people being nice to me. It’s just going to take me a bit to get used to it.”
“It’s cool.” Sadie smiled brightly. “Now, let’s get you ready.”
It was full dark when we came out of the room. Layla was just saying goodbye to her parents, and another girl with blonde hair and warm brown eyes was coming out of their shared room. Must be the other roommate.
“Hi, I’m Melissa, but everyone calls me Mel.” She smiled.
“Hey, I’m Sadie, and this is Becca. Want to come with us to the party?”
“Where is it?” Layla asked, finally shutting the door and joining us.
“Here somewhere. It’s sort of a floor party.” Sadie shrugged.
“Give me ten minutes?” Mel asked, already backing toward her room. Layla followed suit and went to get ready.
“They seem nice,” Sadie remarked. “Looks like this year is going to be great!”
Her enthusiasm was refreshing. I found myself excited about what was to come.
SADIE LED THE WAY, AND Mel, Layla, and I followed behind her like it was the norm. People were spilled out into the halls and common areas. Red Solo cups were in hands, scattered on tables, and lining the hallway.
“Let’s go get something to drink. I think I heard someone say there was a keg,” Sadie announced.
A keg? I felt my stomach tie itself in knots. Alcohol made me nervous; I had seen too many times just what it could do to a person if they let it. Layla looked just as nervous as I felt, and for some reason, that made me feel better. I guess I wasn’t the only one who was new to all of this.
I know a lot of kids did the keg parties in high school, but I wasn’t one of them. I preferred to dance; any spare moment I had in between taking care of my younger brother, Chad, and working an after school job, was spent in pointe shoes on a hardwood floor.
“Here, everyone take a cup.” Sadie handed them out.
I shook my head. “None for me, thanks.”
“Oh, come on, live a little. This is your first night; have some fun.”
“Really, I’m okay.” She shrugged and passed drinks to the other girls. Layla looked uncertain, but she took the cup anyway.
This was so not my scene, too many people on their way to being drunk. I walked with the other girls through the maze of people, half zoned out, thinking about nothing in particular. I really must not have been paying attention, because I walked straight into someone, spilling his beer all over both of us.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.” I looked up at him for the first time. I could feel the beer dripping down my arms, my shirt was soaked through
“Hey, no problem.” He smiled at me. His mocha eyes drew me in. “I’m Levi, and this is my buddy, Julian.” He gestured to the blond guy next to him.
“Becca. Sorry again. I was zoned out and not paying attention.” I could feel my cheeks flushing.
“Hi, I’m Sadie, Becca’s roommate.” She smiled brightly at Levi.
Levi smiled at her, but he didn’t stop looking at me. “I’m going to go change. Becca, can I walk you to your room?”
“Um... sure, I guess. You don't have to, though. I’m fine to go by myself...” I was nervous beyond all belief.
“No, I’ll walk you.”
Sadie shot me a look that said she was not happy about the situation, but she didn’t comment.
Levi followed me back the way I had just come and we ended up in front of my dorm room. “This is me.”
“I’ll meet you back here in a few minutes? I’m just down the hall.” He ran off before I could say anything in response.
I went and rummaged through my dresser, knowing full well that I didn’t have anything cute to wear to a party. I settled on a purple tank top that was tighter than most of my tops, but not as tight as the one that was currently soaked in beer. I contemplated not going back to the party and just changing into pajamas. I was all set to stay home when someone knocked on the door.
I opened it and Levi was standing on the other side. He was seriously hot, and not at all what I needed right now. He was tall. I was not short by any means at 5’9,” but he was at least four inches taller than me. His hair was dark brown, and in that messy style guys our age always wore.
“You ready?” He smiled at me.
“Yeah.” I sighed and stepped back out into the hall with him. He gave me a look, but didn’t say anything. We found everyone else piled onto some couches in one of the common rooms.
Layla looked slightly miserable. I could tell right away that she and I would get along great as she would not be dragging me to parties in the future. Mel was flirting with Julian, who seemed to be enjoying the attention. Sadie was sitting by herself, looking irritated, but her whole face lit up when she saw us approach.
“Hey, Levi, I saved you a seat.” She patted the brown couch cushion next to her. He slid next to her and motioned for me to join them. Sadie shot me a look that clearly said not to, so I sat next to Layla instead. I should be pissed off. What if I had been interested in Levi? Would I have been expected to just step aside? But I’m not interested in starting anything with Levi, or anyone else.
So there we were, Layla and I completely miserable, and the other two in hot guy heaven, flirting their brains out.
After another thirty minutes of people watching and listening to the girls shamelessly flirt, I turned to Layla. “Want to go?”
“Very much, yes.”
I stood and announced that we were leaving.
The Harder I Fall Page 1
