“You need to make a life for yourself, too. Before you can take care of him, you need to take care of yourself.”
I laughed. “You sound just like him. That’s what he said before I left. He told me to follow my dreams.”
“How old is he?” she asked.
“Just turned fifteen before I left. I miss him so much.”
“Thank you for sharing that with me. It all makes sense now, how you never drink.”
“Yeah, I can't ever drink. I know what it can do to people, especially people with two alcoholics for parents.”
“Is this the reason you won’t date Levi? Because you’re afraid to tell him?” she asked.
“Sort of. It’s just hard for me to get close to people.”
“Anyone would be lucky to know you. Your past won’t define you if you don't let it. College is a place to reinvent yourself, and to move forward. I think you should give Levi a chance. At least say that you’ll consider it.”
“Fine, I’ll think about it.”
She grinned and hugged me again. “Okay, now you need to scoot out for ballet rehearsal, and I need to get ready for my date with Julian.”
I thought about what she had said on my walk to the dance studio. Maybe she was right and I did need to open myself up a bit. It had felt really good to tell someone about my past and not to have them run screaming, or look at me with pity in their eyes. Sadie liked me for me; she didn't care about my past. Maybe Levi would be the same.
Renatta was getting everyone in line when I walked in and she smiled at me. I quickly got my pointe shoes on and joined the others for warm ups at the barre. She called out positions and we all began as a group. We dropped into a deep plié. Then it was pirouettes in groups of two across the floor and jetes back. By the time we began to dance, I was completely relaxed and I was actually smiling as I did the first of my routines.
“Beautiful, Becca, so elegant,” Renatta praised me.
“Thank you.” I beamed at her and joined the other dancers for the first group routine.
“You really are amazing to watch,” a tall brunette next to me whispered.
“Thank you; that is so sweet of you to say.” I smiled at her.
“I’m Caroline.”
“Becca.”
“Yeah, I know.” She smiled shyly. “I’ve seen you in here in the mornings dancing.”
That surprised me; I hadn't realized anyone had ever seen me besides Levi. “Really?”
“Oh, I hope I didn’t embarrass you.”
“No, it’s fine, I just didn't know anyone had seen me.”
“Did you create that routine?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’m still working on it.”
“It’s really beautiful.”
Renatta called us all into our places and we began to dance again. Once again, I was lost in the euphoria of the music and gliding along the floor with the others.
At the end of rehearsal, Caroline found me again. “Do you think we could rehearse together sometime?” She looked nervous.
“That would be awesome. I would really like that. I’m here most mornings if you want to join me.”
“Oh, I don't want to impose on your morning dance time.”
“It’s not an imposition at all.” I smiled at her.
We walked out together and I saw Levi leaning against the railing waiting for me. “Is that your boyfriend? He’s really cute.” Caroline nodded in his direction.
“Something like that. See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there.” She waved and walked off.
“Hey.” I stopped in front of Levi and pulled my coat tighter around my body to fight the chilly night air.
“Hey.” He smiled his crooked smile.
“So I’ve been thinking.” I was so nervous.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, I think I want to try this dating thing,” I told him.
“You do?” His eyes widened.
“Yeah, I do. And I’d like it to be with you if the offer still stands.”
“Do you have a backup in case I say no?”
“Nope, but I’m sure I could find someone.” I felt as light as air. This must be what normal people felt like all the time.
“I think I could probably squeeze you in. My schedule is pretty full already, but most of it is stalking you anyway.”
Before I could respond, he pulled me close to him and kissed me. This was a different kiss than the first one. His arms held me against him and his lips were hungry. I gave myself to it, wrapping my arms around his neck and letting him lead me along. The kiss ended far too early; I wanted more of him, to experience more.
I leaned in and kissed him, my lips pressing softly against his, and ran my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. He groaned and pressed me further into the railing we were leaning against.
“God, Becca.” He pulled away. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time. We fit together so perfectly.”
“Where do we go from here?” I asked.
“I think it will be pretty much the same as it has been, but now it won’t be considered stalking, and I can kiss you.”
“Shut up.” I hit him in the arm.
“Really, though, I want to take you out tomorrow night. Do you have to work?”
“I’m off at 4:00.”
“Perfect, I’ll come get you around 5:00 then.” He linked his fingers with mine and we started walking back to the dorms.
“I’m really new at all of this, so you’ll have to excuse me if I seem sort of awkward,” I said.
“I love how honest you are. Most girls would never say that to a guy they’re interested in.”
“Was I not supposed to say that?”
“No, it’s great. I love that I never have to guess what you’re thinking.” He kissed me again. When we pulled apart we found Julian and Sadie staring at us, grinning.
“Well, well, well. What have we here?” Sadie laughed.
“It looks like all of my hard work finally paid off, and I’ve been upgraded from stalker to boyfriend.” Levi grinned.
“It’s about time you put him out of his misery, Becca. He’s been so mopey.” Julian punched him in the arm.
“Great, now you make me sound like some lovesick puppy. Thanks, man.”
“Oh, I think she knows exactly who you are, dude; you have nothing to worry about there.” Julian winked at me.
“Are you guys coming or going?” I asked Sadie.
“Going. See you later.” She waved and they started walking off in the other direction.
“They look happy.” I grinned up at Levi.
“I’m happy, too, now that you finally caved in and agreed to date me. Actually, happy is not a strong enough word for what I’m feeling right now.”
We continued walking into the dorm and stopped in front of my room. “Want to come in for a bit?” There were butterflies in my stomach.
“Yeah, I do.” He looked at me with such intensity.
I opened the door and we saw Layla and one of her friends studying on the couches.
“Hey.” She looked up and smiled.
“Hey.” Levi and I walked through the common room and back to my room.
“I don't know why I expected it to look different from my dorm.” He laughed.
“I think they all come pretty standard.” I sat down on my bed and kicked my shoes off.
“So…”
“Are you nervous, too?” I asked him.
“Yeah, but we really shouldn’t be nervous; nothing really has changed.” I wondered if he was trying to convince me or himself. He sat down next to me and leaned against the wall.
“Tell me something about you that I don’t know.” I turned to face him.
“I love the show America’s Funniest Home Videos. I can’t tell you why, but I always watch it when I can,” he said.
“Really? I don’t think I’ve ever watched that show before.”
“What? Even way back when? I’ve
been watching it since I was little.”
“Nope, never. We didn’t have a TV when I was younger, and when I was older, ballet took up all of my time. It’s all that kept me sane.”
“You look alive when you dance. It’s the only time I see you smiling on a regular basis.”
“How often do you watch me dance?” I was curious to hear his answer.
“A lot. I love to watch you move.”
We spent the rest of the night talking and getting to know each other better.
I knew that eventually I would have to tell him about what my dad did, but I didn't want to ruin things before they really started.
“ARE YOU SURE YOU WON’T come home with me for Thanksgiving?” Sadie asked me for the fifth time.
“Yeah, I’m good here. I can dance pretty much nonstop since everyone will be gone. I have a paper due when the break is over, too. I’ll be fine; don’t worry about me.”
“I don’t like you being here alone. It seems depressing.”
“Shut up, it’s not depressing. I like being alone.”
“Fine, but I’m going to call you a lot.” She hugged me tightly.
“You better.”
I helped her carry her stuff out to the cab she insisted on taking instead of having me drive her.
“Okay, I’ll see you in a week then,” she said.
“Bye, have fun!” I waved as she closed the door.
Levi was coming out with his bags as I was walking in. “Hey, I just tried you, but now I know why you didn’t answer.” He dropped his duffel bag and hugged me. “I’m going to miss you while I’m gone.” He kissed my neck.
“I’m going to miss you, too.” I really was, I had gotten so used to him being around.
“I’ll come back as soon as I can, okay?” He tipped my chin up and kissed me.
“Don’t come back early because of me.” I frowned at him.
“I hate you being here alone.”
“Oh gosh, you sound just like Sadie. I’m perfectly fine on my own.”
“I know you are, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. For a moment, I forgot that we were in full view of anyone who happened to walk by. I ran my hands along his back and let him consume me with the fire of his kiss.
Someone behind us cleared their throat and he broke the kiss. “Sorry to interrupt, but we should get going if we want to beat the traffic.” Julian looked apologetic.
“We were just saying goodbye.” I kissed Levi once more and stepped away from him. “Drive safe, okay?”
“Yeah, we will. I’ll call you tonight.”
I walked back inside to my empty dorm room. Layla and Mel had left earlier, and I found myself missing all of them. I had gotten so used to having them with me. They had brought me back to life; I was no longer the ghost I was before.
My ballet bag was sitting by the door. I changed into my leotard and tights and headed out to rehearse. When I got to the studio, I found Caroline doing pirouettes across the floor. It wasn’t part of the routine for the show, but it was beautiful. She had such beautiful lines and a grace I would never achieve.
“That was great,” I said brightly as I dropped my bag on the floor.
“Thanks.” She smiled shyly.
“What’s that from?”
“It’s not from anything. I’m just messing around.”
“It was really beautiful.” I tied on my pointe shoes. “Want to rehearse a bit together?” I asked.
“I would love that.”
We had developed a great routine practicing together. She would watch my solos and tell me what looked off about them, and I would watch hers and do the same. And then we would dance together.
“Are you going home for Thanksgiving?” she asked me after we had finished.
“No, I’m staying here. I don’t feel like driving all the way home. What about you?”
“Yeah, I am. I’m going to leave right after this. I just wanted to get some practice in before I left.”
“You shouldn't be embarrassed about your dancing,” I told her. “You have real talent.”
She blushed. “Yeah?”
“For sure. What I saw before we started was amazing.”
“Thanks. That really means a lot.”
We said our goodbyes at the door, and I expected to enjoy a quiet evening of studying and bad reality TV. Sadie had gotten me into watching all sorts of terrible shows. So I was more than surprised to find Levi sitting at my door reading a book when I got back.
“Um, aren’t you supposed to be halfway to New York by now?” I asked.
“Yeah, I should be, but I’m not. I sent Julian on by himself, called my parents and said there was a change of plans, and here I am, waiting for you.”
I pulled him to his feet and let us both inside. “Make yourself comfortable. I need to get a shower, but I’ll be out soon.” I walked straight back to my room and he plopped down on the couch to read some more.
A whole week of just me and Levi; this should be interesting.
I came out a little while later and he was right where I’d left him. “You look comfy.” I sank down on the couch next to him. He set his book aside and pulled me down on top of him. “There, now I’m comfy.”
I took charge this time and brought my mouth down to his, kissing him and sucking in his lower lip, nipping with my teeth. His hands stroked over my back, pulling me closer to him. The tips of his fingers brushed along the edge of my shirt, nudging the fabric up a bit. My mind was racing, in between enjoying what was happening. I was worried about what he expected to happen, and if I was ready for that or not.
“Levi, wait.” I pulled back and sat up. “I’m not exactly experienced here.”
“Please don't overthink this, Becca. I’m not trying to get into your pants right now. I just want to kiss you.”
“You say that now, but how long are you going to be okay with just kissing?” I looked down at my hands, hating this conversation and wishing I had never started it.
“Is that what you’re worried about? That I’m going to expect sex from you just because we’re dating?” he asked.
“Well, kind of, yeah.”
He laughed. “Seriously, I’m not looking for that right now. Sex complicates things. I would never pressure you into something you weren’t ready for. I’m not even sure I’m ready for it at this point.”
“Are all guys like you?” I asked.
“No, most guys have the opposite point of view. It’s not to say that I don’t want to have sex with you, because I really do. But I can wait.”
“When I said inexperienced, that was an understatement. You were my first kiss; I had never even held a boy’s hand before this.”
“That’s hard to believe.”
“It’s true. I’ve never had a boyfriend, or really even wanted one. You’ve changed so much in me in the short time we’ve known each other.”
“I don’t care about the past, I only want to know you now.”
There are things about me that you don’t know.”
“Right, there are things about me you don’t know either. It’s half the fun of being in a relationship with someone. Finding out all of the little things that make you who you are.”
I shook my head, “this isn’t about the foods I dislike, or my favorite boyband.”
“Try me, do I look like I scare easily?”
I took a deep breath and told him all about my drunk mom, and what happened with my dad, and how I had basically raised my younger brother because our mom was always passed out or on the way to it.
“Wow, I don’t really know what to say,” he said when I was done. “That is a really shitty way to grow up. I’m so sorry you had to witness something like that.” He hugged me.
I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders; now that he knew everything, I was really free. Levi kissed me again, and this time I didn’t pull away. I let myself go and I melted into him.
LEV
I AND I SPENT THANKSGIVING in my dorm room, eating fast food and watching movies on Netflix. I couldn’t remember a better day in my life.
“Hey, your phone’s buzzing.” Levi tossed it to me. I frowned when I saw who it was.
“Hi, Mom.” I turned away from him.
“Rebecca, I’m really sad you didn’t come home for Thanksgiving.”
“Don’t start.”
“Chad really misses you.” The mention of his name was a dagger in my heart. The one part of home that I would always miss.
“I miss him, too, but it didn’t make sense for me to drive all the way home for a week.”
“Will you at least be home for Christmas?” I could hear the ice clinking in her drink and the slight slur in her words.
“I’ll think about it. Can I talk to Chad?” I just wanted this conversation to end.
“He’s not here.”
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know; he said he was going out or to someone’s house or something.”
I could feel my blood begin to boil; this is exactly what I had been afraid would happen when I left. She could never be bothered to keep track of us, or make sure we were eating or had clothes to wear. “Do you even care that he’s not home with you today? Most moms would want to spend the holiday with their children.”
“Hey, don't get that sass mouth with me, Rebecca. I called you, didn’t I?”
“I don’t have time for you or your excuses today. Tell Chad to call me when he gets home.” I hung up before she could respond. I was so sick of her crap, and my heart hurt knowing that Chad had no one today. The guilt I had been running from all along settled in on my shoulders like a lead coat, weighing me down.
I hadn't even realized I was crying until Levi sat next to me and handed me a tissue. “Is everything okay?”
“No.”
“What can I do to help?” He enveloped me in his arms.
“Nothing, I just feel so guilty. Chad has no one today. My mom is already drunk and it’s not even noon over there. She doesn't even know where he is; she just said he went out. I should never have left.”
“Don’t say that. You have to live your life, too. And if Chad is half as smart as you, he’s probably spending the day with his friends rather than your mom.”
Levi didn’t understand what it was like for us. We didn’t have many friends. Chad at least had one or two good friends, but for the most part, we stuck close to each other. There are some people who are not meant to be parents, and my mom was one of them. She’d never cared for us; when Frannie died, I never saw her cry once, except when they were arresting my dad. She was more upset about losing him than her daughter.
The Harder I Fall Page 4
