“Are you okay?” Sadie asked.
“No, I’m really not.” I was dying inside, and I knew it was my own doing. If I had just told him how I really felt, none of this would have happened.
“What can I do?” She looked anxious.
“Nothing. I’ll get over it. It’s just going to take me a while. My heart is shredded to bits, and seeing them was like salt in the wound. The first time is supposed to be the worst, right?” I hoped to everything that she said yes.
“No, it gets worse, honey. But eventually it will get better, once your heart heals.”
I choked out a sob, “I hate this. I really, really, hate this. I should never have dated him to begin with.”
“Don’t say that. You’ve changed so much since you were with him. It was like you came to life for the first time. He brought something out of you.”
“Levi was my new beginning, but I let fear ruin it for me,” I said.
“Just because you aren’t together now, doesn’t mean it’s forever.”
“He deserves so much more than me. I have nothing to give anyone. I’m not a whole person. I’ve been ruined my whole life.”
Sadie didn't know what to say to me; she just took my hand and led me back to our dorm room. He was dating someone else. I was that easy to get over. The self-loathing thoughts began to creep in. She’s taller and prettier than me, too. Why wouldn't he like her? Wonder how long it took for him to ask her out? He probably couldn’t wait to be with someone normal.
“Are you listening to me?” Sadie asked.
I wasn’t; I was too far down the rabbit hole of self-hate. “Sorry, what did you say?”
“I asked if you were going to be okay here by yourself. I have a class that I can't miss today.”
“Yeah, go ahead. I’m leaving soon, too. I have work.”
“Want me to walk with you?”
“No, you go on ahead. I need to freak out for a few more minutes before I have to be normal for the rest of the day.” I smiled weakly.
“I get that. Try and have a good day.”
“I will.” We both knew it would be a terrible day, but it was nice to pretend sometimes.
I gave myself exactly five minutes to cry and freak out. Then, I went to the bathroom and washed my face before grabbing my stuff and heading out to wait on people for the rest of the day. Julian was walking past my door when I walked out.
“Hey.” He smiled. “Where are you headed?”
“Work, nowhere fun. What about you?”
“Class. I’ll walk you part way.”
I wanted to tell him no, but I didn’t. He was just being nice, and I was almost one hundred percent sure that Sadie had arranged it.
“So, how are you?” His voice was gentle, and he did that little head to the side thing people always do when they ask that.
“Surviving,” I said.
“I guess that’s all you can ask for, right?”
“I know this is weird for you, too. Levi is your best friend; you don't have to do this.”
“You’re my friend, too. I’m not going to walk away from that because you and Levi broke up. Besides, we’re going to see each other too often to let things get weird between us.”
“It’s all just so... I don’t know. It just sucks.”
“It really does.”
“I hated seeing them together,” I admitted. “That was awful, and I hope it never happens again. And before you say anything, yes, I know it will happen a lot because we live in the same building. I just wish I could zap them to some sort of alternate universe where all ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends get sent to until the dumped ones get over it.”
He laughed. “That would make things easier, wouldn’t it?”
“So much easier.”
“I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but this hasn’t been easy on him, either.” It didn’t made me feel better, because unlike me, Levi had no problems moving on. I was stuck, paralyzed. The fear of opening myself up to someone else was crippling.
“Maybe it does a little,” I lied. “I don’t want to talk about him with you. It’s too weird. Let’s change the subject.”
“Sure, I get that. We don't have to talk about him. What do you want to talk about?”
“Are you taking Sadie anywhere good for Valentine’s Day? I know she’s been not so subtly hinting that she wants to go somewhere fancy so she has an excuse to wear those crazy expensive shoes she bought in New York.”
He laughed. “I’ve taken those hints. I made a reservation at a nice place just outside of town.”
“Good, I couldn't stand a mopey Sadie. I’m the only one allowed to mope. I have a monopoly on it.”
“I have it well in hand, so don't you worry,” he said.
We walked for a while longer until we got to his building and then I continued on to work. I dreaded having to plaster on a smile and pretend to be happy for five hours.
Sadie stopped in after her class. “Hey, honey, how are you holding up?”
“Could be better.” I handed her a latte, her usual drink.
“Want to talk later?”
“No, I really don’t. I just want to forget about the last four months.”
“If only it were that easy. This is your first breakup. It gets easier, I promise. Just give it some time.” She squeezed my hand. “See you later.”
“BECCA. HEY, WAIT UP.” GOD, his voice. I couldn’t talk to him right now. I needed to get away. I sped up and hoped that he would take the hint. “Damn it, Becca, wait up!” he yelled.
I stopped walking but didn’t turn around. I knew seeing his face would tear me up.
“Can you turn around, please?” I shook my head. “Stop making this so difficult.” He sounded annoyed.
I turned to face him and wanted to cry. I loved him; I knew it then. I had blown it.
“Look, I’m sorry about yesterday. That was shitty for you to see.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I mumbled, trying to hold back the tears.
“No, I should have told you before, but I didn’t know what to say. And we haven't really talked since everything happened.” He was just as uncomfortable as I was.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” It was barely a whisper; any louder and the tears would come.
“How are you?” he asked.
I shrugged. I wasn’t okay, far from it. When you realize you lost the one person who loved you unconditionally because you were too stupid to realize you had a good thing is soul crushing. A tear slipped down my cheek and I wiped it away quickly.
“You’re not okay.”
“I’m sorry. Everything was my fault. Don't feel bad about any of it”
He looked like he wanted to hug me. He had inched forward slightly. I took a step back and wiped my eyes. “I have to go,” I said.
“Please, just wait.”
“Levi, I can’t. It hurts too much to look at you. To see you with her. I just can’t. Let me go.”
I didn’t look back, just kept walking as the tears streamed down my cheeks. When was this supposed to get easier? So far it seemed every day was worse. I lost a little bit more of myself to the sadness. I did something I never did; I skipped a class. I just couldn’t seem to pull myself together after Levi hijacked me. Instead, I went to the ballet studio to dance, but I found a class in session.
I sat against the wall in the back and watched the girls. It soothed me, their smooth movements, the sound of Renatta’s voice. It calmed my soul to be around it. She noticed me in the back and motioned for me to join in the class. I changed quickly and joined them on the floor, flowing seamlessly into the routine they were doing.
I danced with a fire in me, letting the music take me. It was magic. When the music finally stopped, no one else was on the floor with me. They all stood off to the side with open mouths. I blushed. “Sorry.”
“Do not ever apologize for a gift like that, Becca.” Renatta smiled warmly. The other dancers murmured their agreeme
nt. Renatta put on another piece and ordered us all into our places to begin again.
After an hour of hard work, I was sweaty and better than when I had walked in.
“Becca? Do you have a moment?” Renatta called as I was heading to the door.
“Sure.” I walked back to her.
“Do you know what you’re doing for the summer yet?”
“I’m applying to a few programs in New York.”
“I do hope The Joffrey is one of those programs.”
“It is. I’ve already applied. I’m not sure when my audition will be.”
“As luck would have it, I have arranged for them to do an audition here in March. I’m also an instructor there during the summer. I’ve already told them about you. They are actually coming specifically to see you.”
Wow, that was huge news. I was in shock. “Really? Just to see me?”
“Yes, really. You have a rare gift and I think you were put in this school so I could help foster it, and to get you in front of the right people. I fully expect to see your name as Prima Ballerina in any ballet company you choose someday.” She hugged me, and I let her. It felt good to be appreciated and encouraged.
“Thank you, Renatta. I don't know what else to say. You have been amazing this year, letting me use the studio in the mornings, and for the audition.”
“Thank me when you’re a big star.” She patted my shoulder.
I walked back to my dorm to shower and change before my next class. I wasn’t really paying attention as I walked and ran into Levi again. Thanks, universe, just what I needed. Another run in with Levi. I tried to push past him, but he didn’t let me.
“I need to know that you’re okay,” he said.
“Why? So it makes you feel better about all of this? Well, I’m not. I haven’t been okay, and I probably won’t be okay for a while. Is that the answer you were looking for?” I looked away from him; it hurt to see the pity in his eyes. He had moved on, and I was left in the dust.
“Just because we’re not together doesn’t mean I don't care.”
“Please just stop.”
“Stop what?” he asked.
“All of it. How can I get over you when I have to see you every day? When you look at me with those sad eyes, it makes it hard for me to breathe.”
“Becca…” He pulled me to him before I could stop him. God, he smelled so damn good. I let him hug me for a moment, probably because I was a glutton for punishment.
“Stop! No more of this shit, Levi. Just let me be. You’ve moved on; it’s okay. Don't worry about me anymore.” I shoved him away from me.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think…”
“No, you didn’t. Just leave me alone from now on, all right? Can you give me that?” I didn’t stop the tears this time, just let them fall.
“Yeah, I can give you that.” He leaned forward and kissed my cheek.
I walked away from him for the second time in a day and it hurt just as much. Sadie was in our room when I came in. She looked up and the smile fell from her face. “What happened?”
“Levi, twice. I was sort of okay after the first time, and then I ran into him again.”
“What did he say?”
“He wanted to tell me he was sorry I had to see him with her and to see if I was okay. He said he needed me to be okay.”
She whistled. “Wow, what did you say?”
“I told him I wasn’t, but that he didn’t need to worry.”
“He needs to leave you alone,” she said.
“I told him that. He hugged me, and that almost ruined me completely.”
She looked pissed. “I have half a mind to go yell at him for that. How dare he? What, does he want to keep you pining for him while he’s out there with his new blonde?”
“Don’t say anything to him. I think I made my point with it. I told him he had to stop.”
“Don’t keep it all inside anymore, Becca. It’s not healthy. I’m always going to be here to listen if you need me.” She hugged me tight, and laid me on my bed so I could cry. I hoped to everything that it would start getting easier soon.
VALENTINE’S DAY, UGH. EVERYWHERE I looked there were couples in love, laughing, holding hands. It made me want to throw up. Sadie was singing in our dorm room while she got ready for her date with Julian. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out until this day was over.
“Are you sure you don't want to come with us?” she called.
“Um, yeah, totally sure.” I rolled my eyes. I knew she meant well, but there was no way I wanted to be on a date at a romantic restaurant with her and Julian and a zillion other happy couples.
“Please tell me you’re not just going to sit around in here all night.”
“I was planning on it,” I admitted. “I can’t stomach all the love out there today.”
She looked over at me. “I get that, but you need to live again. It’s not good for you to be so sad all the time.”
“It’s working for me right now. Please don't worry about me. I’ll be okay.”
“Will you?”
“Eventually, yes.”
Thankfully, she let the subject drop, and went back to getting ready. A while later, someone knocked on the door. “I’ll go let Julian in,” I said.
I opened the door and found Julian with two big bouquets of flowers in his hands. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” He kissed my cheek and handed me one of the bouquets.
“Oh, how sweet of you. You so did not have to do this.”
“I know that, but I wanted to.” He followed me inside.
“Sadie, Julian’s here,” I called.
“Okay, be out in a sec.”
“So, how are you?” he asked.
“I’m fine.”
“Are you?”
“Sort of. Look, I’m not going to hang myself with the shower curtain the second you guys leave. I’m not going to break; I’ve been through worse and gotten over it.”
He smiled. “I’m glad to hear I won't have to cut you down when we get home. I just, I don't know, I just want you to know that you don't have to always be strong. It’s okay not to be.”
“I’m not strong right now. I’m far from it. But I’ll get there someday.”
He took a step toward me just as Sadie came out in her hot red dress and heels.
“Good lord, you look hot!” He grinned at her.
“Thanks, baby, you don’t look so bad yourself.” She kissed him, molding her body against his. I heard his breath hitch and his hand snaked around to pull her closer to him. I felt like a voyeur, watching this private moment.
“Okay, you guys have fun tonight,” I murmured and went back into my room.
“Are these for me?” I heard Sadie’s girlish voice ask. I put my headphones on and grabbed my iPad to read for the rest of the night.
Eventually, hunger made me leave my cocoon. I ventured out into the cold to get something to eat. I went to the dining hall, not wanting anything fancy. I was one of maybe five people inside. I grabbed a tray and got whatever they had on special. It was some kind of meat with potatoes. I sat down with my iPad, barely tasting the food. It was just fuel, something that would help me to dance without wanting to pass out.
As I walked back to my dorm, the snow was falling in soft flurries around me. Of course, I had to see him.
“Becca.” He looked amazing, while I was in sweats with no makeup on.
“Hi.” I tried not to look directly at him. I know it would only be worse if I saw his eyes. He always saw right through me.
“How are you?” He looked uncomfortable, and I wondered why he wasn’t out with her.
“I’m okay. Surviving.” I didn’t want to be talking to him. It hurt me just to look at him. He was my downfall, everything that could kill me.
“Julian told me you have a show coming up,” he said. He knew about the show, he was obviously as uncomfortable as I was.
“I do.” I didn’t know how to talk to him anymore. It was like talk
ing to a stranger. I was so afraid of saying something stupid. I made the mistake of looking up at him and he stole my breath. I wanted to touch him. To have him kiss me. Just one more time. He was saying something else, but I was mesmerized by the way his lips looked while he spoke.
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked.
“I asked if you were ready.” His lips quirked up in that half smile he always made. I knew I needed to get away; if my heart was going to stay intact, I needed to go, and I needed to go now.
“I am. Caroline is an awesome partner.”
“I’ve seen you two practice, you guys are-”
I cut him off. “Stop. I can’t do this. I can’t hear about you watching me dance. It hurts me too much. Don’t you get that?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think.” He looked sad, and for a second, I almost told him it was okay.
“I need to go,” I said, pushing past him and running in the falling snow to my dorm.
It took me a while to fall asleep; seeing him had me all wound up. I woke up to a grey and snowy day. It seemed that the weather knew how awful I felt and had decided to play along. Caroline and I were meeting for our last rehearsals; the show was the following night.
I saw Julian and Sadie wrapped around each other like a blanket on her bed and I smiled. I was glad someone was happy and in love.
Caroline was waiting with two cups of coffee when I got to the studio.
“You are my hero.” I took one of the cups and hugged her.
“I thought I was going to freeze to death when I walked outside this morning. It’s way cold.” I unlocked the studio and we both went into the locker room to get changed. “You know it’s a bad sign when you can still see your breath inside.” Her teeth chattered.
“You’ll be fine once we get warmed up.” I laughed.
“Too cold to dance. How about I just watch you from under a blanket?” she whined.
“Nope, not happening. Get changed, whiny pants.”
I was right. Once we finished our warm-up routine, we were both starting to sweat. I pushed both of us through the routine. “Let the music take you,” I told her as I watched. “Good, better.”
When it was my turn, I tuned everything out. I just heard the music and the sound of my beating heart. I twisted and turned, my arms reaching out. I felt it; the emotion of the dance was beautiful.
The Harder I Fall Page 12
