A thin, elegant woman with dark hair strategically streaked with gray, dressed in a flowing off-white sweater, shifted slightly away from Ren and Willy on the plank seat. She was talking to Ren, but it looked like Ren was mostly concentrating on keeping Willy from creating a swath of destruction.
“Oh, and that’s Antonia. She’s visiting us.” Sabrina waved across the room to Ren and Antonia. Ren didn’t look over, but Antonia acknowledged Sabrina and Merry with a nod and a thin-lipped smile. “Antonia and I shared an apartment when I was in college, for a little while.” Sabrina frowned at the tabletop. “I left after a year, but we’ve kept in touch a bit, now and again. I was surprised when she said she wanted to come to visit, but I guess everyone wants to come to Alaska.” Antonia pulled a cigarette from a large red leather bag, tapped it briskly on the table, and tucked it back into her bag.
Sabrina’s frown deepened, just for a moment. “Of course, it’s great to see friends. It’s been a little difficult, though. She smokes a lot, and I want to be nice of course…” Sabrina’s voice faltered. “I had to tell her that she couldn’t smoke in the cabin because of Willy.” She gave a tiny half-hearted giggle. “But it’s hard, you know, to tell a friend she has to go outside to smoke, after she’s come all the way here to see us, especially when outside is freezing cold.”
Sabrina leaned over the table, drawing circles on the top with her fingertip. The fall of her long hair draped around her face like the walls of a tent, keeping the world at bay. Impulsively, Merry reached across the table and briefly rested her hand on Sabrina’s arm. “But, of course, it’s the right thing to do. You have to take care of Willy. I’m sure Antonia understands.”
Sabrina’s face broke into a grateful smile. “Yes, yes.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and sat up straighter. “It’s so nice to see you. What are your plans? Where are you staying?”
Merry paused. This was no time to recite her own sad history. “Well, for the time being I’m staying at Scary Whyte’s studio apartment. I’ll be there for a few days until I figure out what I’m going to do next.”
Sabrina smiled and nodded, but thankfully didn’t ask any more questions. “I know him,” she offered. “Well, I know about him. I saw some of his paintings when he had a show at the library. I thought they were wonderful. That was my major in college, you know, art.” She blushed and ducked her head again, as if she had accidentally said too much.
So shy. And she seemed nice.
“I’ve got to get back.” Sabrina nodded towards the table where Ren was still wrestling with a squirming Willy.
“Maybe we can meet for coffee sometime.” As Sabrina stood, Merry blurted the words impulsively, almost without thinking.
Sabrina grinned. “I would love that. I’d really love that. I hardly know anyone here.” She hesitated. “But I’d probably have to bring Willy. Sometimes I can leave him with Ren, but Ren is real busy. Would that be okay?”
“Of course. I’d love to get my hands on that baby!” As if in answer, Willy emitted a loud squeal from across the room, instantly pausing all conversations and activity in close vicinity for a moment. “Let’s get each other’s number, and I’ll call you. Or you call me.”
As Sabrina scribbled on a napkin, Merry’s heart lifted. Yes, her life was a mess, but here was a new friend. That counted for something.
“Oh, and Merry,” Sabrina said. “Maybe you intended it, but I thought maybe I should mention… well, I’m sorry, but you seem to have a lot of glitter all over the back of your sweater.”
Merry looked over her shoulder and pulled the back of her sweater into view. It was coated with large patches of green sparkles from Scary’s Leprechaun hats. She laughed. “I didn’t know. Thank you.” She waved Sabrina away. “How it got there can be a story for another day.”
***
Sabrina called two days later, breathless and unaccountably apologetic. Perhaps, if she wasn’t too busy, Merry could get away for coffee, just for a short visit? Merry was delighted. She’d spent much of the last two days on the phone with lawyers, accountants and real estate agents back in Florida as they attempted to untie the Gordian knot of Michael’s shady deals. It was tedious and exhausting work, but they were moving through it. She wouldn’t have much money when all was said and done, but at least her path forward would be unobstructed. Between the calls, she ran a few errands for Scary, making herself useful but keeping her head down, knowing that she could run into Nick or Cassandra any time, and dreading the dark, icy pit that awaited her heart when that happened. Already, the hard, heavy lump in her chest sometimes felt almost too painful to bear. The memories of her time with Nick had buoyed her during her months away, but now those same memories tormented her, reminding her of what she had lost, mocking her for her naive assumptions about how her life would be once she came back. Day by day is what she told herself. Just get through today, and then tomorrow.
She met Sabrina later in the morning, when the thin spring sun was warm on The Twins’ wood deck. They sat dangling their feet off its edge, tipping their faces towards the welcome light.
Sabrina smiled at the sky. “It’s been a long winter.”
Willy was behind her, swaddled in a blue blanket, asleep in his baby carrier. She turned and grinned down at him.
“And,” she whispered, “it’s really been a long winter with a baby in a cabin.”
“I’ll bet,” said Merry. She remembered all too well the close quarters in Rita’s cabin, the windows revealing nothing but ice-rimmed darkness, the wind snaking through every crack and crevice.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the random sounds of a small town going about its business, the distant crack of the wind catching the American flag flying above the hardware store, the occasional crunch of truck tires on the gravel road behind them, the manic screams of sea gulls from the direction of the harbor.
Willy gurgled but didn’t stir.
Merry stretched her arms over her head, rotating her body from side to side. “Do you still have your house guest?”
Sabrina’s brows furrowed, just a bit. “Well, yes…Antonia is still with us.” She rubbed her hand against the warm deck boards. “I, ah, don’t really know how long she’ll be here. She hasn’t told us yet.”
Merry frowned. A house guest with no departure date?
“It must be crowded, the four of you in the cabin. There isn’t much in the way of a guest suite.”
“It is, and I feel so bad if Willy cries when Antonia is trying to rest. She’s not used to babies.”
Merry held her tongue. She wanted to say it was their house and Willy was part of the deal, but Sabrina wasn’t asking for her opinion.
“There isn’t much for her to do around here. I think she’s a little bored.”
“Sabrina, there’s so much she could do! So many beautiful walks, now that it’s spring. Well, almost spring. She could go fishing, though it would be cold. She could take some of the local sightseeing tours. A few of them are operating now, even this early.” Merry heard the irritation in her own voice, and she took a deep breath. “You have a little baby, and as wonderful as he is, babies are a lot of work. You can’t be responsible for entertaining visitors too.” She stopped herself from pointing out that Antonia could step up and help with the baby.
Sabrina smiled and ducked her head. The conversation was clearly making her uncomfortable.
“And, hey, have you heard about the festival Scary’s planning in a few weeks, when it’s warmer? I’m helping him put together his dancing fish performance and it’s going to be, shall we say, unique.”
“Sounds like fun. So are you going to stay with Scary for a while?”
It was Merry’s turn to feel uncomfortable. “I’m not sure,” she said carefully. “He’s been really generous with me, letting me stay, and right now, he can use my help. But longer term, I’m just not sure. My plans here sort of fell through. I…”
Tears pricked against her eyelids. She quickly looked
away, taking a deep breath, giving herself a mental shake. Stop it, she told herself. Just stop it. You’re not a mouse anymore. This is your life, so take hold of it.
She turned back to Sabrina, who was staring at her anxiously. “I had a disappointment. A big disappointment. I’m not quite sure of my next steps, but…” She took a deep breath. “I think I’m staying in Homer. I think this is going to be my new home after all.”
She gazed out across the parking lot, to the road edge where last year’s dead straw-colored grass trembled in the breeze, patiently awaiting the arrival of the first green shoots of spring growth. Until she’d said those words to Sabrina, she hadn’t had a plan. She still didn’t have a real plan, but now she knew what she wanted. She wanted to stay here.
***
Days slid away. Scary left Merry alone when she closed herself in her room, though she often heard him poking around downstairs. Sometimes she sat there for hours, propped up on the bed, staring into empty space, not seeing the outlandish costumes and props piled all around her. Sometimes dust motes glowed in a ray of sunshine and she was almost hypnotized and lulled into a trance. She wasn’t consciously thinking through her situation, trying to make sense of it. It was more like someone had hit the pause button for her brain, and now her brain was just marking time, waiting for a command to wake up and do something. When the late afternoon sunset glowed through the bedroom window, she was often surprised that yet another day had passed.
Sometimes she went out, walking to the beach or down East End Road, or on a mission for Scary. Leaving the studio was an act of courage. Homer was a small town, and sooner or later, she’d run into people she knew. And she did. Not everyone had heard that she’d returned, so on occasion she’d hear her name shouted from behind her or from across the street, as when Lana, the cook at The Twins, or Hailey, one of the cashiers at Safeway, caught sight of her. Lana gave her a big hug of welcome and asked when she’d gotten back and if she was staying this time. Hailey grinned and yelled, “So good to see you again!” as she slowed down to wave from the Safeway delivery van. Merry managed to mouth a few pleasantries without really saying anything other than she was happy to be back and was staying with Scary for a while.
She’d been by to see Moira at the gallery on her first foray out. Moira shrieked when Merry walked through the front door, running out from behind the sales counter and enveloping her with in a massive, perfume-laden hug. She planted a sticky red kiss on her cheek, then held her at arm’s length, looking her over, her kind eyes clouding with concern. “It’s so wonderful to see you, Merry, but you’re so thin! And those dark circles under your eyes!” She’d fussed and tut-tutted like an old hen, hurrying Merry into the tiny back office, then bustling to the counter to start a pot of tea.
“Tell me everything, dear! Where are you staying? What did Nick say when he saw you?” Moira was facing the sink, filling the kettle, so Merry had a moment to arrange her face and take a deep breath before answering.
“I’ve been keeping to myself a bit, trying to figure out what I’m going to do next. I still have a lot of arrangements to make in Florida, so I’m spending a lot of time on the phone.” She wrinkled her nose. “Sometimes I feel like the phone is permanently attached to my ear. But I’m getting through it.”
She stared at Moira’s back, hoping she could keep her voice calm and steady. “I’m staying a while with Scary, and helping him out with a few projects. Just taking some time to get my feet back on the ground.” Despite her efforts, her words sounded thin and a bit forced, but it was the best she could do.
Moira turned, holding the kettle, a frown wrinkling her forehead, her bright blue eyes searching Merry’s face. “But you and Nick…?”
She didn’t know. And if Moira didn’t know, no one did. Somehow Nick and Cassandra had managed to keep this all quiet, at least so far.
Merry forced a smile as she sank into a nearby chair and fingered the edge of the lacy tablecloth. The kettle shrieked and Moira turned back to fill the teapot. “It’s just been a bit overwhelming, everything that’s happened. I’m going to take it slow and try to figure out what I should do next. Michael’s trial hasn’t been scheduled yet, but it probably will be in Anchorage, so I’ll have to go there at some point. I’ll have to testify…”
Moira put two mugs on the table. Cassandra’s mugs. A new design, Merry thought, but Cassandra’s work for sure. She picked one up and held it. The handle fit in her hand perfectly, and the colors, saffron moving into rose like an evening sunset, seemed afire from within. “Beautiful,” she murmured.
“Yes.” Moira shimmied sideways in the small space between the counter and the table and slid her ample bottom into a chair. “She’s doing some spectacular work these days, I think. But, you and Nick…?”
Merry sighed and put the mug back down. “Look, Moira, I don’t have any answers right now. I’m very confused about what I’m going to do next. Everyone is going to have to give me some time. I’m really happy to be back…”
The door behind Merry creaked open and Moira’s face lit up. “Brian, oh, do come in and meet Merry. You’ve heard me talk about her, and now she’s back.”
A swarthy, heavy-set man in his fifties slouched into the room, Popeye biceps mounding from the arms of his tight T-shirt. His thinning hair was combed over a large patch of bald, and his deep-set, black eyes under heavy brows dodged about the room, bouncing off Merry, Moira, and the pot of tea. He wiped his hand on his saggy jeans and held it out to Merry. “Yes, I’ve heard about you. Welcome back.”
As he pressed her hand, he leaned over the table and flitted his eyes to the wall behind her, his mouth curving into an awkward lopsided grin. “Always nice to have more pretty girls around here.” Moira tittered but Merry pulled away her hand, managing a weak smile but feeling her body instinctively recoil from his touch.
“Brian and I have been keeping company for a few weeks now. He’s new to town.” Moira’s voice was buttery and smug, and she reached over to give Brian’s arm a squeeze.
Merry’s head whirled. A lot had certainly changed in the months she’d been away.
She pushed her chair away from the table, welcoming the opportunity to escape. “I’ve got to go now, Moira, and take care of a few things for Scary. We’ll visit again soon. Nice to meet you, Brian.” She hurried back out the door, waving a quick goodbye to both of them, as an involuntary shudder zinged down her spine.
***
And of course, it was inevitable that she’d run into Nick, sooner or later.
Although she knew it was likely to happen, it was still a punch to her gut when it did, a few days later. Luckily, she saw him from a distance, across the long asphalt Safeway parking lot. He was loading a box of groceries into the passenger side of his truck cab, tossing the box onto the seat, frowning, half scowling. Her breath caught in her throat and she would have ducked out of sight if there had been any place to go, but she was standing outside the front door, in full view, holding her bag of fruit and bread. She saw him and froze in place.
As he closed the passenger door and turned away from the truck, he glanced in her direction and stopped, dead still, as he caught sight of her. He took a half step towards her, almost as if he was being pulled against his will, and then he stood, motionless, his big hands shoved into his jacket pockets.
A heavy pain hammered into her chest. She was drawn towards him as if he was emitting a gravitational field that locked into some source in the absolute center of her body, but she didn’t move. Despite all the pain and the depth of his betrayal, now that she saw him, she ached to be close to him again. She wanted to fly into his arms, to feel them enclose her.
A shove from behind jostled her off balance and she almost fell down. A small boy, tearing ahead of his mother out of the store, had plowed into her. His mother, clasping a whimpering baby under one arm, dropped to one knee and reached for him.
“Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry! Terry, Terry, come back here! Look what you’ve done! Come o
ver here and say you’re sorry to this nice lady.”
Terry scurried back and grabbed the front of Merry’s legs, knocking her off balance again. She teetered back and forth, trying not to fall, momentarily distracted. When she looked up, Nick was climbing into his truck, his back to her. He slammed the door and in moments the truck was pulling out of the parking lot. As far as she could tell, he didn’t look back.
After Merry assured Terry and his mother that no damage had been done, she leaned against the store wall and closed her eyes. Her heart thumped hard in her chest, and she was on the brink of vomiting right there. She pushed the palm of her hand into her forehead, willing her stomach to settle.
Perhaps, perhaps, if only she had taken some time to make Nick understand, before she’d left… He’d been so hurt, she knew, when he’d discovered the truth when Michael surfaced, that she was married, that she was running away from her life. She’d never lied outright to him, but she hadn’t told Nick about Michael, even after they became lovers. When Michael found her, this fragile new existence came crashing down around her, and in the ensuing chaos, she knew she had to return to Florida, to straighten out the mess she had created. Without doing that, her life was paralyzed, and she couldn’t move forward. Nick had hugged her close at the airport before she left, but he hadn’t asked her to stay. In the midst of her pain, she’d assumed that he understood, that he would wait for her to come back. But in the black and white world of hindsight, she knew that she hadn’t tossed him much of a lifeline. If she had only said a few words then, asked him to wait for her…or called while she was away…
A Late Hard Frost Page 6
