“It may be that I’m more like Tansy than I expected, though her blood doesn’t run through my veins,” she said, pulling out a chair and sitting before her knees gave way.
“No?” he asked.
“She never had children. She lived with her cousin and his wife and was auntie to their children. They were the ones to inherit when she died. She was Tansy White, not even a Williamson.”
“You’ll go on to have that family, Caitlin. Some smart guy will snap you up in no time and make sure you have a dozen kids if that’s how many you want.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, Zach?” she asked.
“I figured you’d leave once you knew. I hoped against it, hoped you’d get enough of children at the school. I figured that’s the way it’d play out if I ever had to tell you.”
He swallowed hard, studying her as if memorizing every feature.
“Look at my mother. One child wasn’t enough for her. She had to remarry and have three more. Then her life was complete. Only somewhere along the way she forgot about that first child. Her second family became her focus. Things would have been different if my father had lived. But he didn’t. And children became the overruling passion of my mother. When you first brought it up, I was stunned. For once in my life, I thought I was wanted for myself. Not for some genetic donation to create a baby. Never once in five years did you mention having children. Then suddenly, wham, it’s the most important thing you can think of.”
Caitlin blinked. She had never thought about his feeling that way. She knew about his family. He'd shared that--and it had been hard for such a proud man to admit how left out he’d been as a child. He’d overcome a great deal to achieve all he had. She wouldn’t for one second want to diminish that.
Or consider him only a means to an end. She’d loved him, wanted his children as a part of that love.
She’d never considered his point of view. If someone thought that of her, it would hurt. After all that Zach had gone through, she regretted his feeling that way. She’d never wanted to hurt him.
For a long moment all she heard was the sound of water dripping from the roof as the sun melted the snow. The fragrance of coffee would forever be tied to this conversation. She stared at him, not knowing what to say.
Zach broke eye contact first. He lifted his cup and drained it. “I’ll be on my way in a little while. Thought I’d take one more walk along the river. I called Sam last night and canceled the request to stay stateside. I’ll be heading for London in the morning. Have your attorney send the papers to the office and they’ll be forwarded to me.”
He rose, shrugged on his jacket and headed out.
Caitlin sat as still as a statue, fearing if she moved an inch, she’d shatter into a thousand pieces. How cruel her actions must seem. His announcement had caught her unaware, but that didn’t mean she didn’t love him.
She didn’t only want him as a sperm donor.
She wanted her husband!
I thought I was wanted for myself. His words echoed in her mind.
All she could picture was the bewilderment a young boy must have felt when his father died. And again when his mother remarried and started a new family. Always on the outside, never feeling truly wanted.
Caitlin loved Zach. She had from the first time she’d met him. She hadn’t been thinking about children back then, but about the most wonderful man in the world. A man who seemed equally taken with her.
Would she have left him if he’d told her at the very beginning? She began to think she wouldn’t have. In the beginning it had been just Caitlin and Zach. It was only lately that she yearned for more.
Aunt Sally’s death had changed things for her and she had only looked at her own selfish desire. Was it a woman thing, wanting a baby? She frowned. She did not want to be labeled a woman like his mother. She’d harbored uncharitable thoughts about the woman since she’d first heard about her. Today’s revelation made her even more angry at his mother. She should have cherished and loved her first child. Had her goal been to have children just to have them, or to love and raise them?
What was hers?
She feared she was more like Tansy than she expected.
The truth was Caitlin had never looked at another man after she fell in love with Zach. Even thinking she was ending her marriage, she couldn’t summon up a spark of interest in finding another man. Everyone would be compared with Zach. And found lacking.
But could she give up her dream of a family?
Two was a family.
She wanted more.
Sometimes in life people didn’t get what they wanted. Aunt Sally hadn’t. Her fiancé had been killed at Normandy and she’d never found another to love. Caitlin shivered.
Were there other women in her family who were one-man women? What if she never found another man to love? Could she throw away what she had in the nebulous hope of finding love again?
She’d debated that in her mind all fall long. She thought she’d settled it. But seeing Zach changed everything.
“Caitlin!” A voice yelled from the yard.
She went to the door and opened it, stepping onto the back stoop.
Bart was running along the river, heading downstream, toward the McDonald yard.
“Bart?”
“Caitlin, get blankets and come a running. Zach fell into the river. I’m hoping to get him out at the dock.”
She stood in shock for a moment—Zach had fallen into the river? He could freeze to death! She saw Pearl running from her house, two blankets in her arms.
“Caitlin, call for an ambulance. We couldn’t get him out, the banks are too steep and it’s so slippery with this slush,” Pearl called, sliding as she ran after Bart.
Caitlin didn’t hesitate, though she longed to cry out against the injustice of it all. He couldn’t die! He’d been in wars and natural disasters, he couldn’t die in her backyard.
She whirled and went into action. As a teacher she’d been trained in emergency procedures. She called 9-1-1 and reported an accidental plunge into the James River. An ambulance was promised immediately. Caitlin flung on her jacket and scooped up the afghan from the sofa and dashed out the back door, running as fast as she could after Pearl and Bart. She could see them on the dock in the distance.
Over and over in her mind chanted the words, wanted for myself. She did want Zach for himself. For herself. She loved Zach. With a soul searing depth that frightened her. And gave meaning to her life. That would never change. How had she ever thought it would?
The slushy ground was slippery and sloppy. The sunshine belied the danger beneath her feet. Melting snow made it almost impossible to keep from falling. Caitlin slipped and fell twice, soaking her jeans and scraping one palm. Keeping the afghan as dry as possible, each time she scrambled to her feet and kept going. Her heart raced, time seemed to drag by, each second an eternity.
She had to get to Zach. Had to tell him he was all she wanted. He would be enough for her the rest of her days, if he only didn’t die!
God, please don't let me end up like Tansy, losing the only man I can ever love! she prayed as she ran as fast as she could.
The river water would be barely above freezing. How long would someone last in such cold water? Could he catch hold of the landing platform at the McDonald’s dock? Was it still there? She hadn’t used that since she was a teenager. Who knew what changes might have been made over the last ten years?
“Zach,” she screamed, running as fast as the terrain permitted.
As she drew closer she saw Pearl on the dock that jutted twenty feet into the river. Bart had jumped down to the landing platform. She caught her breath. Zach had been stopped by the platform, but she couldn’t tell if he’d caught it or slammed into it by the river current. Bart was struggling to pull Zach from the water. In only a moment both men were lying on the landing. Zach was streaming water, soaking Bart.
Caitlin reached the dock and jumped down beside the two men. Bart sat up.
&nbs
p; “You okay?” he asked, and gently pushed Zach to lie on his back.
His eyes were closed, his lips blue, but, thank God, he was breathing very faintly. A scrape near his hairline bled sluggishly.
Caitlin unfolded the afghan and wrapped it around him, snuggling closer to share her own body heat. He was soaking wet and freezing cold.
“Zach, say something. Are you all right?” she asked frantically.
“Here, take these blankets, too. He needs to get warm. That water's freezing,” Pearl said, dropping down the blankets she held. “Are you dry enough, Bart, or do you need to wrap up, too?” she asked.
“I’m fine. My slacks are wet, but I’ll be okay for a little while. Get Zach warm first,” he said.
Caitlin was trying. She rubbed his face gently, feeling the chill of his skin against her palms. She feared her hands were getting too cold to help.
“Why doesn’t he say something?” she asked, rubbing his hands, they felt like ice.
“I think he hit his head when he was trying to catch hold of the landing platform,” Bart said. “He was doing okay until then. Good thing we saw him slip in. He could freeze to death in that water in just a few minutes.”
They wrapped the blankets around him, but Zach made no move to help himself. Caitlin pressed herself against him. “He will be all right, won’t he?” she asked. He was still breathing but was so still, and his lips remained blue.
The ambulance siren could be heard.
“I’ll go tell them where we are,” Pearl said, hurrying toward Caitlin’s house.
“What happened?” Caitlin asked as she and Bart chafed his limbs, trying to warm Zach.
“He was walking along the bank, too close to the edge, hit a patch of slush and over the side he went. I ran out, he was holding on to a clump of grass at the water’s edge, but we couldn’t get him out. It’s only about a three-foot drop, but the ground is so slippery with the slush. I couldn’t get too near the edge, for fear of joining him.”
Caitlin shuddered to think of both men in the water. Who would have fished them both out?
“He told me you spoke of a dock downstream, he said he’d try for that. Then he let go and drifted along the shore. I ran to tell Aunt Pearl and then headed for the dock. He was still lucid when he reached here, but whacked his head a moment later.”
Caitlin held Zach tightly, saying everything she could to make him hold on.
“I love you, Zach. It doesn’t matter about anything else. We’re a family, you and me. And that’s enough. Hold on, love. Help is on the way.”
Caitlin had never felt so helpless. Zach was her rock, her anchor. What if he didn’t recover? What if he did but had changed his mind and wanted nothing to do with a woman like his mother who put so much emphasis on kids to the detriment of everything else?
“I’m sorry, Zach. So sorry. Come back to me. Don’t be like Jonathan and leave forever. Stay with me. Grow old with me. Zach, please wake up!”
The paramedics hurried to the dock. In less time than Caitlin could imagine, they had Zach on a stretcher and were heading for the ambulance.
“We’ll come to the hospital with you, dear,” Pearl said, when Bart and Caitlin climbed up on the dock.
“Can’t I go in the ambulance with him?” Caitlin asked.
One of the paramedics looked at Bart and shook his head.
Caitlin saw the sign and almost collapsed.
“I’m going!” she said. “And you’re going to make sure my husband is fine!”
The ride to the hospital was a nightmare. Zach was so cold they broke out warming bags and packed them around him. He never regained consciousness. Once at the hospital, he was wheeled away and Caitlin was left to answer the questions from the admitting clerk.
Pearl and Bart arrived a short time later.
“How is he?” Pearl asked when they found Caitlin in the small waiting room.
“I haven’t heard. He has to be all right!”
She couldn’t voice her fear that she’d left things too late. She refused to become another Tansy. This family story would have a happy ending!
At least she hoped so. She prayed for Zach’s recovery, glad Pearl and Bart had come to be with her. She felt alone and afraid.
What if Zach didn’t recover?
She knew Tansy’s anguish. How would she go on?
A half hour later a young intern came into the waiting room.
“Mrs. Brandenburg?” he called.
“Yes?” Caitlin jumped up and almost ran over to where he stood.
“It looks as if your husband’s going to be fine. He’s being taken to a room now. We want to keep him overnight. He has a concussion and his body temperature is still well below normal. We’re warming him up slowly and will monitor the concussion. You can see him in about fifteen minutes, room 307. But just for a moment. Rest and warmth are the best things for him now.”
“Thank you.” Caitlin burst into tears, feeling as if the weight of the world had been lifted. She had to see him, to make things right.
“We’ll wait here for you, dear,” Pearl said, settling back down in the uncomfortable seat.
“Take your time. We’ll drive you home when you’re ready to leave,” Bart said, sitting beside his great-aunt.
Caitlin almost told them she’d never be ready to leave, but knew the hospital probably wouldn’t let her stay.
She found the room on the third floor. It was a semi-private room, but only one bed was occupied. Zach was bundled in blankets, one hand lying on the sheet, the rest of him covered from neck to toes. He had his eyes closed, and a white bandage on his head.
She entered. Had he regained consciousness?
“Zach?”
He opened his eyes and looked at her. Then he deliberately turned his head and closed his eyes, shutting her out completely.
“Oh, Zach, I’m so sorry,” she said. Reaching out to take his hand, Caitlin was startled when he snatched it away, slipping it beneath the blanket, out of reach.
“You’re going to be fine, the doctor said.” She moved around the bed, but he merely turned his head the other way.
“Go home, Caitlin. There’s nothing more to be said.”
“Yes, there is. I was wrong. I’m sorry. I want our marriage to flourish.”
“Get out.”
“Zach, didn’t you hear me?”
He looked at her then, his eyes bloodshot, his lips still faintly blue. “Did you hear me? Get out!”
“Not until you listen to me.”
“Sorry, time for me to check vitals again,” a nurse said in the doorway. “And I have some more warm blankets and a warm drink for you, Mr. Brandenburg.”
“She was just leaving,” Zach murmured, turning from Caitlin.
“I’ll check on you later,” Caitlin said tentatively.
“Don’t bother. I’m only in here for observations. I’ll be out in the morning.”
“Then I’ll come pick you up.”
She left before he could say anything else. The nurse was already talking about seeing how much warmer he was.
Caitlin felt shell-shocked. He hadn’t wanted to see her. She apologized and he’d brushed it off.
She clutched the locket like a talisman. He had to see she had a change of heart.
“How is he?” Pearl asked when Caitlin entered the waiting room.
“Cranky,” she said, hoping it was the near death experience making him that way, not that she’d lost her last chance.
“Men do not make the best patients,” Pearl said.
“I resent that,” Bart said, rising. “Ready to go home?”
Caitlin nodded, feeling drained and tired. And immensely sad. Had she lost what she just realized was worth more than anything to her? How would she go on if Zach truly left?
When Bart dropped her off at the old house, he asked if she needed anything.
“Actually you could help me move something, if you would.” She’d had enough time to think between the hospital and
home. She knew what she was going to do. She was betting her future on it.
“Sure thing.”
They moved the cradle back to the spot in the cellar where Caitlin had first found it. Without a second glance at it, she left it behind and followed Bart back to the kitchen.
“I appreciate your saving Zach, if I didn’t say so before, I’m sorry. He’s all I have.”
“He might have saved himself if he hadn’t hit his head. Glad I saw him slip, or he’d have been in a real mess.”
Or dead. Caitlin shuddered.
“Let us know how he does,” Pearl said, giving Caitlin a hug. “Want to come over to our place for supper tonight?”
“Thank you, but no. I have a lot to do before Zach gets home tomorrow. And if he calls, I want to be here.” Caitlin thanked them both for their help and watched as they drove the short distance to Pearl’s house.
Caitlin went to the living room and sank on the sofa, gazing at the ashes in the fireplace. She hoped they didn’t reflect the state of her marriage.
For a long time she sat in thought. All the arguments she’d had during the fall rose, but were dismissed in light of the knowledge she now had. Finally she rose and went to find Zach’s computer. With only a small search, she found what she was looking for. Using her cell phone, she called Sam Miller.
It took her a few minutes to get through to the man himself, but she patiently used Zach’s name at every stage and refused to tell anyone else why she was calling.
When they were finished, she brought up the boxes for the ornaments and began to disassemble the Christmas tree.
Chapter Thirteen
Zach walked up the driveway. He’d had the cab drop him at the curb. The snow continued to melt. Some of the asphalt was visible now. He’d load his duffel and head out. He’d missed his flight, but once he got to a phone, he’d square things with Sam.
His head still ached. The doctor had told him it might for several weeks before it stopped. He'd been given some pain pills, but Zach hadn’t taken any.
The Christmas Locket Page 14
