by Maria Monroe
I nod, unable to speak. Everything she's saying is true, and it's all the stuff I try not to think about. The inevitability of heartbreak from my first ever relationship scares me.
"But I do know he wouldn't hurt you intentionally. And I'd kill him if he did." She takes my hand. "I got your back, OK?"
"Thanks, Vanessa."
"And I will not return to my house after four in the afternoon today. So you and my brother . . . Ugh. Have fun." She gives a fake shudder. "Happy holidays."
When she leaves I sit on my bed feeling tingly and excited about having time alone with Julian, this time with no interruptions at all.
I text him: Vanessa says she's leaving at 4 and not coming back.
Be here at 4:01. I cannot wait a second longer, he responds.
I shiver in happiness and excitement. As I tidy up my room, I wish the day would pass quickly, wish I didn't have to wait the hours that still separate me from being alone with Julian. I realize I don't have anything to give him for Christmas, and the thought hits me hard. How could I forget about a present for my . . . boyfriend. At that word, a surge of pleasure surprises me. He really is my boyfriend, my first actual boyfriend. I decide to head to the student bookstore to see if I can find anything remotely worth giving him as a gift.
The main MUD bookstore is fairly large, with a good selection of books, obviously, but also school supplies and other odds and ends and trinkets. I'm not sure what to get. The selection, while good for a college store, doesn't actually include great gifts for a brand new boyfriend, and I'm at a loss. The more I think about it, the more I wish I could get to the Pleasure Place and pick something out there; I'm sure Julian would appreciate the gesture, at the very least, and probably more than that. I feel tingly thinking about it, about all the possibilities there, but there’s no reason to dwell on the thought. I don't have a car, so I can’t get there. The closest thing the bookstore probably has is condoms, which actually gives me an idea. Condoms. Maybe they're not the typical Christmas present, and I know he already had some, but it would be symbolic coming from me, letting him know that, without a doubt, I want my first time to be with him. And I'm ready.
Perfect. Glee passes through me at finally having a gift idea, and I head to the toiletries section of the store, grabbing a pack of Twizzlers on the way. I'll never forget the way he ate all mine in class. It's the perfect joke gift to complement my more seriously intentioned one.
I finally find the condoms, in between a small selection of sanitary products and some random shampoo and conditioner bottles. I've never bought condoms and know next to nothing about them, so I stare at the choices for a few minutes. The only brand available is Trojan, which I've at least heard of, and the packages look the same except for the sizes, which are Regular, Large, and Extra Large. Great. How am I supposed to know what size to get? To me Julian looks huge, but the truth is I have nothing to compare him to, and I worry that buying condoms for a guy is like a guy buying a bra for a girl. If he gets one that's too small, the girl will feel insulted that it doesn't fit. But a too-large one means he thinks she's bigger than she really is. There's no way to win, and that's exactly how I feel right now looking at the condoms in the student bookstore.
I reach out for the large pack, hoping that reading the package will give me a clue, though even if it has measurements on it, it's not like I had a tape measure with me when I was intimate with Julian. Still, I flip the box over to see what I can find out.
"You're going to need the extra large," says a voice, and I whip around to see the girl from Julian's room, the same one from the bathroom at Forty-Four’s, standing behind me. "That is, if you're going to hit it with Julian." Her voice is snide and bitter, and knowing she's probably jealous doesn't make me feel any less insecure about the situation.
I look at her without answering. I'm not sure what to say.
"What?" she asks. "Can't speak? Look, I know you're fucking him. Or you're planning to. Trust me, you're not the only girl on campus to spend the night in Julian's room. And believe me when I say you'll need the biggest ones."
I try to ignore her, unsure how to react to this bizarre conversation. She grabs a bottle of shampoo from the shelf, then turns to go, shaking her long blond hair out behind her as she does.
"Oh," she says, turning back to look at me, "and don't be surprised if he dumps you before you even get a chance to finish that whole pack." She nods her chin at the box in my hand, grins savagely, and leaves to pay.
Why? Why is she bothering with me? Why do I let her? Why does she care? The obvious answer is that she's jealous, but still, the fact that Julian has a history with her and so many other girls bothers me, even if it shouldn't. Rationally I know it doesn't matter what he's done before, and it's not like he's trying to hide anything. But I can't help letting the worry slip in. What if she's right? What if he's only waiting until he gets what he wants, and then he'll dump me like he dumped all the others before me? And what do I expect? I'm a freshman. He's my first boyfriend. It's not like we're going to end up getting married. Nobody marries their first boyfriend anymore. So how can I blithely continue our relationship knowing the end is inevitable?
"Ugh," I mutter to myself. "Stop over thinking this!"
I take a deep breath, put back the large pack of condoms, grab the extra large, and head up to the register. I am determined both to forget about that horrible blonde, and to make it through this sales transaction without dying of embarrassment.
***
I wrap the presents—the condoms and the Twizzlers, definitely the strangest things I've even given anyone before—in some shiny green and red striped wrapping paper from a roll that Greer left behind, then sit on my bed and wait. It's four o'clock now, and Julian texted earlier to tell me to come at 4:01, but I'm afraid to go too soon, afraid that Vanessa will still be there, and even though she's supposedly cool with everything, I don't want things to be awkward. Thoughts of what's going to happen when I'm alone with Julian are swirling through my brain, and I'm so curious and nervous and excited, all mixed up together, that I think I'm going to pass out from sheer emotional overload. I don't want to admit how much I like Julian, aside from how good he makes me feel, because admitting that will automatically set me up for heartbreak. Deep down inside, though, I know it's already too late.
At four thirty my phone, which has been unbearably silent since the morning, vibrates with an incoming text from Julian. It's safe. Come now. Please don't make me wait any longer.
Smiling, I pull on my coat, grab the two presents, and head out into the cold early evening. Hurrying down the street to Julian's house, my breath fogs up the air in front of me, and I speed up until I'm practically running, but not because of the cold. I can't wait to be alone with Julian.
He's waiting when I get there, opening up the door immediately, and when it closes behind us, he pulls me in for a tight hug. "Lia," he whispers into my ear, his breath so hot on my still-cold skin. "We're finally alone."
"Here." I take a step back from him and hold out the presents I wrapped in my room. I slide off my coat and toss it onto a chair.
"What's this?"
"Duh. Presents. Obviously. But they're kind of silly, so don't get too excited."
"Too late. I’m already excited,” he growls as he kisses me hard, his lips lingering on mine. Then he places his hands on my cheeks and gazes into my eyes. His are so dark, green with flecks of gold shining in them.
“Me too,” I whisper.
He leans in like he’s going to kiss me again, but then he takes a step back and grins. “So, can I open them now?"
"OK,” I laugh. But suddenly I feel nervous. The condoms are all wrong. It's too forward. I'd take them back if I could. Then again, though, isn't that why I'm here? We both know it's going to happen, so what's wrong with me letting him know how much I want it?
"Come sit down," he says. "I'll get us drinks and then open these presents."
I head to the couch, but he shakes his head. "I want you in my
bedroom this time. I know Vanessa won't come back here no matter what, but I can't take the chance."
I cringe at the memory of his sister walking in on us last time, me completely naked. Tonight, though, that's not going to happen.
In his room, he tosses the two presents on the bed. "I'll be right back. Drinks," he says with a grin, and I can't help smiling back, despite being nervous. He's so cute, with his longish hair that curls down onto his forehead. But he's sexy too, the way he moves with utter confidence, enough to make my knees weak. I could never get enough of those eyes, at turns mischievous and intense, and his rock-hard body, so muscled and lean, can get me wet just thinking about it. The best part is that I'm starting to feel a bit more sure of his feelings for me.
I slip off my shoes, then sit cross-legged on the bed while I wait for Julian to come back. I check out his posters again, the Lollapalooza and the Jimi Hendricks and the "I'm silently correcting your grammar" one, laughing to myself as I do. His bookshelf is jammed with old school books but also novels, and a closer look reveals some of my favorites, like To Kill a Mockingbird and The Secret History and The Old Man and the Sea, and a few volumes of poetry, including The Complete Works of Carl Sandburg, one of my favorites.
The more I get to know him, the more I see that Julian's such a compelling mix of different things—he comes off as a total bad boy, but his grades are outstanding. He's funny and sarcastic and, in some ways, nothing but trouble, yet he's secretly a grammar snob with a shelf filled with really great books. He can make me come in minutes, but he also knows the best place to watch the sunrise, and doesn't forget hot coffee and the best pie in town. I've never met someone quite like him, and I feel honored and special, as stupid as that sounds, to be here in his room. Maybe it doesn't matter that I'm not the first girl to be here, as the girl in the bookstore so helpfully reminded me earlier.
Julian returns with two steaming mugs, each with a candy cane sticking out of it.
"What's this?" I ask as he hands me one. It seems like something so unlike a typical Julian drink, considering he loves beer and whiskey.
"It's a Christmas drink. Hot chocolate, Bailey's Irish Cream, and Kahlua. With a candy cane."
"OK." It smells delicious, and I hold the mug in two hands, warming them up.
"You don't know what Bailey's and Kahlua are, do you?"
"No?" I'm not exactly embarrassed by my lack of knowledge, but sometimes my inexperience makes me feel like a little kid.
He laughs pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. "It's OK. Don't feel bad. It's cute."
"What's cute?"
"That you're so innocent about so many things."
"But I won't be after tonight," I say, looking into his eyes.
His smile disappears immediately, a look of desire crossing his face. "Lia . . . " His voice trails off as though he's not sure what to say next.
"Maybe you should open your presents." I take a sip of my drink, which is absolutely delicious. Although I can taste the alcohol, it's smooth and warm with nothing harsh about it at all.
Julian's still staring at me, and when I take the candy cane out and put it into my mouth, sucking off the hot chocolate, his lips part slightly, his eyes on me the whole time.
"The presents?" I repeat, gesturing at them.
"Right. You got me a little . . . distracted." He places his drink on the desk. "Which should I open first?"
"Um, that one," I say, pointing at the Twizzlers.
The way he tears off the wrapping paper reminds me of a child, and he laughs loudly when he sees it. "Holy shit! This is perfect."
"Because you . . . "
"Took them from you in class. Of course I remember that. You know it wasn't the Twizzlers I wanted that day, don't you?"
"I didn't know that then."
"It was too soon for me to let you know how I really felt. Honestly? I hadn't even really admitted to myself what I was feeling. Besides, I’d probably have scared you off if I let on how I felt. That all I thought about in class was how good it would feel to have you in my bed.”
I laugh out loud. “I probably would have been a little freaked out. I mean, I had a crush on you. But I definitely wasn’t ready for . . . any of this,” I say, gesturing around his room.
“You’ve changed a lot, Lia,” he muses, taking my hand and kissing my index finger. Then he nibbles on it gently, the sensation of his teeth and tongue making me dizzy.
“Have I?” I guess I haven’t thought about it, but I know it’s true. I’m not the scared girl I was at the beginning of the school year.
“You have. Anyway,” he continues, "I don't think there are many moments I've had with you that I've forgotten. Remember that day you bumped into me before class?"
"Yes," I reply, blushing at the memory of how clumsy I was. "I spilled coffee on your precious hoodie."
"I'm still a little pissed about that." He squints those gorgeous eyes at me in fake anger, the slight warning in his tone making me inexplicably turned on. Then he continues. "I'd actually noticed you long before that."
"Really?"
"Yeah. In class? I had some wicked fantasies about you when we were supposed to be watching movies."
“I maybe thought about you too.”
“Maybe?”
I laugh. "Open your next present," I say, my heart suddenly beating faster.
He tears it open, then holds the box of Trojans, staring at it before looking into my eyes again, but he doesn't say anything.
"So," I say, "I know you already have some? But I wanted to let you know that I'm ready, so I bought these for you. For us."
Without a word he takes the mug from my hand and sets it on the desk next to his. Then he lowers me onto the bed and kisses me hard, his tongue searching and finding mine. I can feel him instantly hard on top of me, pressing into my thigh. I love how quickly he gets excited. I feel the same way about him.
"I like feeling how hard I make you," I whisper against his lips, and he groans as he runs a finger down my neck and further down to my right nipple, which he torments through my clothes. He pulls the hem of my shirt up, and I wriggle out of it. He reaches behind me and deftly unclasps my bra, then slides it off my arms.
"I want you so bad," he says. "I want to be buried inside you this second. But I'm going to take it slow. I need to know you're ready."
"I am."
Slowly, he licks my right nipple until it's hard. A pulsing starts between my legs, a surge of wetness warming my pussy as he teases my other nipple next, until I arch my back and moan.
"I think," he says slowly, pulling back for a second, "I'm going to make you hold still again today." His voice is filled with a delicious combination of teasing and hard desire, and I writhe up against him.
"It seems to me that you like when I tell you what to do," he whispers into my ear, and it's true. I grow wetter still, the tingling between my legs turning into a throbbing. I want him to touch me, I need to come, and I know he's only just begun. He's going to make me wait, until I'm wetter and hotter than I've ever been. Only then will he give me what I want.
"It’s true. I love it when you tell me what to do,” I whisper back. “I'll do whatever you want me to. Just tell me what to do."
Julian groans, then sits up and pulls off his shirt. I reach up to touch his chest, so muscled and lean, and run my fingers down to the top of his jeans, hooking a finger into the denim and pulling him closer to me.
"I liked it when you were in my mouth that one time," I say, and he swallows hard, his face tense with longing.
"Lia, fuck. You turn me on so much, but I want to take this slow."
"I was just saying." I smile at him, a teasing smile, and a corner of his mouth lifts in return.
"You're teasing me, Lia. But you're not going to like it when I do it to you."
"I like everything you do to me."
Julian lifts an eyebrow at me, then unbuttons and unzips my jeans. I lift my hips while he slides them off. He kisses my neck, his
lips so full and firm, then leaves a trail of kisses along my shoulder and down to my right breast, where he finds my nipple with his tongue, teasing it to hardness. Next is my left nipple, which he teases too, until it's equally hard. The throbbing between my legs is intense, and I feel so wet I think I could come just from the way he's licking my nipples. I shift restlessly under him, wanting more release than he's giving me.
"Not yet," he says. "Hold still now, Lia." There's teasing in his words, but something harsher and darker too; it's that tone that makes me want to do anything he tells me.
"OK," I whisper and force my body to be quiet under his.
He continues his trail of kisses, now moving down to my belly button, then lower until he's almost between my legs, which he pushes apart with his hands, just roughly enough so my breath catches in my throat. He reaches up to my mouth, inserting a finger between my lips, and doesn't even have to tell me to suck; I just do it. When it's wet, he touches me, far too gently to give me the satisfaction I need, on my tense clitoris. I gasp in pleasure and frustration, my body moving involuntarily against his hand.
"Still, Lia," he warns.
I can't do it. I can't keep still. Not when his finger trails down, pushes itself into my wet core, moving around inside me.
"You're so tight," he growls. The slow, sweet torment continues as he removes his finger and places it back on my clit, which he moves in gentle but firm circles. It's all I can do to keep from writhing under his touch, and I moan instead, unable to keep all the pent up energy and desire inside. Two fingers find my opening this time, slowly move inside of me. Is this what his cock will feel like? Only about a million times bigger? I want to know. Now.
"Julian," I whisper, but he shakes his head, still moving his fingers in me, and I go still and silent again.
When I feel his breath between my legs I can barely stand it, and when his tongue finds my clit, licks it, then sucks it, my hips buck up despite my attempts to keep myself from moving. This time he doesn't chastise me, and I sigh in relief as once more his fingers feel my wetness, travel sweetly inside of me, and he sucks on my clit until I'm practically delirious with passion and want. Tension builds quickly now, my entire body clenching as I am driven closer and closer to the edge.
