by Maria Monroe
After dinner, Julian gets me a glass of white wine from the bar, then whispers that he needs to talk to one of his professors.
"I'll be right back," he says into my ear. "While I'm gone? Think about what I'm going to do to you when we get out of here tonight."
I blush, smiling up at him, and as Julian leaves I catch Pete's eye. He slips over so he's sitting next to me.
"Lia," he says. "How are things going?"
"Good, Pete. It's been a while, but thanks for introducing me to the journalism teachers. I'm so glad I switched majors. I really feel like I'm doing what I want to be doing, you know?"
He nods. "Look," he says, "I know Julian's possessive of you . . . "
"Possessive? I wouldn't say that."
"I would. I got the distinct feeling that he would literally beat me to a pulp if I so much as spoke to you again."
"I think he was being protective, not possessive. He was just looking out for me."
"And keeping you for himself," says Pete, but not meanly. "I'm happy you're together," he adds quickly. "I just don't want him to kill me if he sees us talking right now."
"I think he'll be OK. He wouldn't want to mess up his suit."
Pete laughs. "He's a good guy, Julian. And he's got some good opportunities after he graduates. This award tonight? It'll look awesome on his resume."
"If he wins," I add.
"He will," says Pete with a scoff. "There's no doubt. He's been the top student the entire four years. Seriously. And I'm sure you know, but he's already got two job offers, and graduation's still over two months away."
"Right." Two job offers? I try to hide my shock. I know about one, in Portland, which is only an hour away. He seems so confident about it, as though he's already made the decision to take it. I didn't know there was another choice.
"So, I know he's pretty excited about the Portland job," I say casually, hoping to extricate more information from Pete without exactly asking for it.
"It's pretty good, yeah. But the New York job? He'd be a fool not to take it."
"True," I say, faking my way along. "I mean, the salary is way better."
"Way better? It's twice as much! And the position itself? Working directly with the head of the Online Reporting department for one of the biggest news outlets in the world? I mean, I'd already have said yes if I were him."
"Yeah," I say, my heart sinking. "Me too."
The Portland job, at least what he's told me about it, is nothing compared to what Pete's telling me about the New York job, the one I hadn't heard about till just this minute.
"Pete, what are you going to do after graduation?" I don't really care, but I want him to talk so I can sit quietly and think. As Pete talks, I let the unanswered questions flood my brain. Why didn't Julian tell me about the New York job? Was he scared I'd flip out and be devastated that he's leaving? I would, it's true, at least on the inside. I'd never let him know how badly I'd be hurt to see him leave. Is he considering not taking the job, therefore not telling me about it at all? No way, I think. That would be the worst mistake he could make. It's a total no-brainer that he needs to accept the position in New York.
My head feels muddled and thick, and I chug the glass of wine Julian brought me.
"Need another drink?" asks Pete, and I nod, faking a smile despite the turmoil going on in my mind. "Be right back," he says.
Alone at the table, everyone else wandering and socializing until the ceremony starts, I take a deep breath. I need to stay calm. I need to figure out how to broach this subject with Julian without making him uncomfortable. Or maybe I need to talk to Vanessa. She probably knows something about what her brother's thinking. Would it be fair to go to her for information? And do I care if it's strictly fair or not? I decide to try to enjoy the night and talk to Vanessa the next day. I'm not sure it will be possible to put it out of my mind for now, but I'll try my best.
When Pete returns with a fresh glass of wine, Julian's back too, slipping into the seat next to mine and putting his arm around me possessively without a glance at Pete, but I know his action was done specifically to send a clear message. I try to push the conversation with Pete out of my head so I can enjoy Julian's touch, can enjoy the ceremony and watching Julian get the award.
"I'm so glad you're here, Lia," he says into my hair. "This would be insufferable without you."
"I think you'd have found a way to enjoy yourself."
"Maybe. But nothing will be as good as what I'm going to do to you when we get back to my place later."
How is it possible that mere words can make my body react so strongly? How can he get me wet just by speaking softly into my ear? It's as though the more time we're together, the more attracted I become to him, and I don't ever want it to end. So why is the end all I can think about right now, when things are going so well? I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the negative thoughts, and Julian looks at me curiously. He's about to ask what I'm thinking when the dean of the Journalism Department heads to the podium to speak.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he begins. "Graduation is just about two months away, and I am proud to see all of you go out into the world and into the field of knowledge so well prepared. I am grateful for the opportunity I've had to get to know you, as I'm sure you're grateful for the invaluable information you've received from your esteemed professors here at MUD."
Everyone breaks out into applause.
"Tonight is when we take the time to honor those who have worked exceptionally hard and who have proven to be leaders and exemplary students. I'd like to begin . . . "
Julian fake-snores into my ear.
"Pay attention," I whisper. "You might get an award."
"Whatever," he says like he doesn't care, but there's something in his voice, a hint of tension, that lets me know it's a bit of an act. He does care, even if he doesn't want to admit it. It strikes me that underneath his I've-got-this exterior and the fact that he knows so much more about things than I do, he has insecurities too. Why didn't I see that before? I feel stupid to realize now, after so many months, that Julian is just as uncertain about things as everyone else.
"Well, no matter what, you're always a winner in my book," I joke, and he pinches my thigh.
"Brat," he whispers. "Behave."
"And if I don't?"
"Are you sure you want to find that out?" he says in a low voice, a wicked smile gracing his lips, and my body clenches, thinking back to him looking at the paddles and tawses at Pleasure Place last semester. Is that what he's thinking about? And why is that what I'm thinking about? He kisses me lightly on the lips before turning his attention back to the dean.
"And now, for the biggest award that the department gives out annually, the Esteemed Journalism Award. This goes to a student who has shown both talent and integrity in the field of reporting, as well as having a keen insight into the future of journalism. This is a student with superior grades, who has shown leadership in on and off-campus journalism projects, such as the Maine University at Deerfield Newspaper, digitally and in paper. This student has some amazing prospects ahead of him. Let's bring up the winner of this year's Esteemed Journalism Award, Julian Cage!"
He squeezes my leg, then stands and saunters up to the podium, unbelievably handsome and, I realize with a sinking in my stomach, unbelievably an adult. Like a real, full-fledged grownup who's ready for a job and an apartment and an actual life. And here I am, only eighteen. A kid. I can't even legally drink. What am I doing here? Greer was right when she said that everyone gets their heart broken by their first love. Mine's already breaking, I realize, with the knowledge that this can't last forever.
Sighing, I muster up a fake smile that I resolve to keep up for the rest of the evening, and applaud loudly as Julian accepts his award. He deserves my happiness and congratulations, no matter what doubts I'm having.
***
In Julian's room, I sit on the bed while Julian takes off his suit jacket and hangs it up. Vanessa's spending the nigh
t at a friend's house pulling an all-nighter for some exam, so the two of us are alone. My excitement to be here, just us, is mixed with nervousness about his secret job offer, the one he's hidden from me. Why can't things be simple?
Julian starts to sway his hips, leering at me and untying his tie. He whips it off his neck and tosses it to me like he's doing a strip-tease.
I laugh, but somehow he can tell I'm not completely happy. I guess I'm not a great actor.
"Hey," he says, sitting down next to me as he unbuttons his shirt. I place my hand on his chest, feeling his warmth, his heart beating, everything that makes him alive and wonderful and Julian. I feel like I'm going to cry, though there's no real reason to do so.
"What's going on, Lia?" He takes my face gently in his hands and turns it to him, peering deeply into my eyes.
"I'm just tired, I think. And I had a little too much wine." I fake a smile, but he doesn't look convinced.
"Tell me what you're thinking about."
I sigh. "Just you," I say honestly. "And graduating. I don't want to put pressure on us, you know? I want us to enjoy our time together. But sometimes it's hard not to think about what's going to happen in a few months when I go home for summer and you have a job, and then I come back here and you're gone."
"Oh, Lia," he says, pulling me close and holding me, his body so hard and warm and comfortable. "Nobody can tell the future. But I know how I feel right now, and right now I feel like I want to spend as much time as possible with you. And my job offer? It's in Portland. That's only an hour away. An hour isn't an insurmountable distance. That wouldn't even really count as a long-distance relationship. So don't worry, OK?"
"OK." I want to bring up what Pete told me, about the job in New York. Why is Julian keeping it a secret? But I can't. Not now. Not yet.
"You still look sad."
"I'm not. I promise." It's not exactly a lie. It's not exactly sadness that I'm feeling. It's a weird combination of confusion and realization, and I need to talk to Vanessa to see if she can shed some light on what Julian's thinking by holding back the information about the New York job.
"I'll make you feel better," he says gently and finishes taking off his shirt. Then he reaches behind me to unzip my dress. He pulls it down in front while I slip my arms out. I'm not wearing a bra, and when he sees my bare breasts he lets out a sigh and smiles. "Lie down," he says and I do, pushing the dress all the way off so I'm wearing only my underwear, a lacy black pair.
He turns to his desk, rummages in a drawer, and brings out a white case, the one that the vibrator came in. "We're going to have some fun," he whispers, and I shiver in anticipation. "It's all charged up. I got it ready for you."
"Oh." I love the idea of Julian thinking about me when I'm not even around, that out of sight doesn't mean out of mind for him. In his dress pants without a shirt he looks unbearably sexy, like a guy in a Calvin Klein ad, and the dark emotion in his eyes as he approaches the bed, vibrator in hand, makes me instantly wet.
"What are you thinking?" he asks softly.
"How hot you are," I whisper. "How excited I get just from looking at you or thinking about you."
He groans softly, then sits down next to me. He turns the vibrator on, and I can hear it buzzing, then feel it on my thigh as he gently moves it up and down the outside of my leg.
"Do you remember how this felt in the car?"
"Yes," I whisper.
"Did you like it?" he asks, even though he knows very well the answer to that.
I nod.
"Open up for me, Lia," he urges, and I do, growing wetter with anticipation. He pulls my underwear to the side and licks me gently so my body arches towards him. "Not yet, Lia," he whispers, then replaces the underwear and presses the vibrator between my legs. It's right on my clit, and the sensation of him pressing it into me, of the building feeling inside, makes me writhe uncontrollably on the bed. I want more, though. I want my underwear off, the last barrier between Julian and me gone so I can feel everything more intensely.
"Julian," I moan.
"Yes?" His tone is teasing as he presses the vibrator more firmly against me and I wiggle against it.
"I want . . . "
"What do you want?"
"For you to take my panties off?"
"I think I can manage that," he whispers, removing the vibrator and pulling my underwear off with a growl.
He moves on top of me, vibrator in hand. "I'm going to play with you, but I don't want you to come, no matter what. Do you understand?"
"Is this like a game?" I ask.
"Shhhh," he whispers as he places the vibrator between my legs again. The vibrations send swirls of delight up through my body, and I move against it to feel more. Julian climbs on top of me, still in his suit pants, still holding the toy between my legs, and kisses my forehead, my nose, then my mouth, hard and with desire. When he moves his mouth down to my right nipple and sucks it till it's hard the sensation, coupled with the vibrator humming on my pussy, has me almost ready to come.
"Julian," I whimper. "I think I'm going to come."
"Don't," he says, sucking and gently biting my other nipple, and moving the vibrator away, then back again, pressing it harder against me this time.
"I can't help it," I say, the feeling growing more and more intense. My whole body is arching upwards towards the vibrator, towards his hand, towards his whole body. I want him more than I can express in words. So I say the one thing I know will get his attention. "Julian, I want you to fuck me. Now. Hard."
"Oh baby." He mutters the words, looking into my eyes for a second, then bringing his lips back to mine for a ferocious kiss, our tongues and lips moving furiously over each other. He discards the vibrator and moves his body on top of mine. I can feel his erection, huge and hard, pressing into my stomach, then it lifts off as he raises his hips up to undo his pants. Once they're off he slips his boxers off too, kissing me the entire time. With his long fingers he finds my clit, which he plays with gently, then sinks a finger deep inside me. "You are so fucking wet for me," he mutters and seems to grow even harder against me.
"I want you so bad, Julian. Please don't make me wait."
He grabs a condom from the bedside table, and I watch while he stretches it over his huge cock, covering a drop of cum on the tip, and rolls it down. When his eyes meet mine again they're so dark and so hot, and I put my arms around his back and pull him down on top of me. He stares into my eyes as he lines himself up right outside my wetness, then slowly, without using his hands, starts to enter me. I'm soaking wet so he slides in easily at first, then stops as he moves deeper. Slowly he continues, little at a time, stretching me open to fit him all the way, until he's buried to the hilt.
"Oh, god," I moan, the sensation of being completely filled by him so intense, and he groans in response.
He pulls out almost all the way, then sinks back deep again. Then out and deep in once more. "You feel so good," I whisper.
"Yeah? I'm going to fuck you now, OK?"
"Yes, Julian."
He pulls out again, but thrusts into me hard, again and again. I lift my legs, curling them around his back so he can go even deeper, and wriggle my ass each time his cock thrusts in to get it as far inside me as possible.
"Turn around," he says suddenly, pulling all the way out. "Lie on your stomach."
I do, shivering from need and desire. He pushes my legs apart wide from behind me. I lift up my butt, feeling him, so hard, against my opening, and then he's inside me again, thrusting in over and over. I clutch the pillow in front of me with both hands, and he reaches beneath me to stroke my clit while he pounds into me. The sensation is so much, and soon I feel the heat inside growing, filling me until my body's tense and anxious and I come, crying Julian's name as I do. I can feel him tense inside of me, then the warmth of his cum inside the condom as he, too, orgasms.
"Oh, fuck," he whispers, then he rolls off of me and scoops me into his arms. "God, Lia. That was so good."
&
nbsp; I nod in agreement, unable to speak, my breath coming hard.
"Lia . . . " his voice trails off, but it sounds like he has something important to say.
"Yeah?"
"I love you, Lia."
What? I hold perfectly still, unable to process what he just said, or at least what I think he just said. Did he really just say he loves me?
"Did you hear me?" he asks after a few moments of my silence.
"Yes."
"And? You're killing me, Lia."
"I love you too, Julian." The words flow so easily from my mouth, as though I was born to say them.
He holds me tighter. The room fills with darkness and our breathing. Everything is so perfect and so right, like if we could only stay there forever, just like this, nothing bad would ever happen. Why can't life be so simple? I fall asleep to the sound of Julian's heartbeat and the warmth of his arms.
Chapter Eleven
On Friday I skip Feature Writing because it’s at the same time Julian has class. This is the one time I can get Vanessa alone for sure, and need to talk to her desperately about Julian and his secret New York job offer. As I head down the street to their house, I notice a family touring the school, the girl, just a tiny bit younger than me, glancing around with big eyes and obvious nervousness. I remember feeling the exact same way, and not just on the tour. I was so different when I started school than I am now. I remember crying myself to sleep, but now I love being here. Except, of course, for the knowledge that next year won't be anything like this, that my two best friends in college will both be leaving. I've made some friends in my new journalism classes, and that feels good, but I can't stop focusing on the fact that both Vanessa and Julian won't be around next fall.
"No," I say to myself. "Stop." This isn't the time to get all maudlin. This is the time to get some answers, and I push on to the purple house and knock on the front door, holding to-go cups from Sal’s in my hand. Hopefully hot coffee will sweeten Vanessa up to this early visit.
