except instead of doing crimes you do gold)
It is a necklace of such INDESCRIBABLE VALUE
that all the Norse scribes purposefully lost most of the text of this myth
and no one actually knows what it looks like
or even if it is a necklace really
we’re kind of just guessing here
more or less based on the fact that a necklace is the only form of gold
big enough to fit four dwarf dicks simultaneously.
So these four skeezy dwarfs pop out, and Freyja’s like “Ew, gross
I mean hey, guys, how’s it going?
Think I could have this necklace or whatever it is?
I’ll pay you GOLD for it.”
And the dwarves are like “We don’t need any more gold.”
WHOA, RECORD SCRATCH.
Did you just hear what I heard?
DWARVES
do not need more
GOLD?!
These are clearly not four dwarves
but rather eight babies in four dwarf suits.
But that just makes this next part weirder
because then Freyja is like “Well, gold is pretty much all I have.
Credit cards haven’t been invented yet, nor has investment banking.”
and the dwarves are like “WELL YOU HAVE A VAGINA, RIGHT?
HOWSABOUT WE ALL USE THAT FOR LIKE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS APIECE.”
and Freyja is like “Hmm
. . .
Okay!”
So each of the dwarves does the teenie-weenie with Freyja for a solid day/night cycle
and they are very civil about it and no one minds getting sloppy seconds
and at the end of the four days the dwarves are like “Welp
we’re about as sexually satisfied as we are ever going to be in our sad, sad lives.
Here, have this necklace.”
And Freyja is like “SWEET!
This was ALMOST worth debasing myself in this manner!”
And meanwhile, Loki
who, remember, followed Freyja here
is like “DAMN, I WISH I HAD FILMED THAT.
I BET THERE’S A WHOLE INTERNET FETISH ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT.
I guess I’ll just have to settle for ruining her accomplishment like I planned.”
So Freyja goes home to enjoy her necklace and take a loooong shower
and Loki hauls ass over to Odin’s place
and he’s like “Odin, Odin, guess what?
I know I’m the god of lying all the time
but you gotta trust me when I say
Freyja just fucked four dwarves for a necklace.”
And Odin is like “Yeah, that sounds like Freyja.
I mean WHAT??
I WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA.
WE ALL WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA.
THAT’S LIKE THE WHOLE REASON WE KEEP HER AROUND
AND ALL WE HAD TO DO ALL THESE YEARS WAS OFFER HER JEWELRY?
UNACCEPTABLE.
GO STEAL HER NECKLACE.”
and Loki is like “Did somebody say STEALING?”
and Odin is like “Yes, Loki, that was me who said that.”
but Loki doesn’t hear him because he is already at Freyja’s place
STEALING.
So he gets to Freyja’s place and the door is locked
so he turns into a fly and goes in through a crack in the roof.
But then Freyja is sleeping on her back
with the clasp of her necklace completely inaccessible
so Loki turns into a flea and mauls her cheeks until she flips over
and then Loki turns into Loki and just steals her necklace.
So Freyja wakes up
notices her necklace is gone
notices her door is open
and is like “DAMMIT LOKI.
But wait
Loki would be too much of a pussy to do this on his own.
DAMMIT ODIN.
But how would Odin know about my necklace?
DAMMIT LOKI.
But Loki is probably nine countries away at this point.
I’M GONNA GO YELL AT ODIN.”
So she shows up at Odin’s place, all angry and shit
and Odin is like “WELL, WELL, WELL
IF IT ISN’T SLUT CITY.
HEY, I HAVE SOME BRASS PLATES AND A SHINY ROCK.
WANNA GIVE ME A RIMJOB OR SOMETHING? THEY’RE ALL YOURS.”
And Freyja is like “VERY FUNNY ASSHOLE.”
and Odin is like “I BET YOU WON’T THINK MY ASSHOLE IS VERY FUNNY
WHEN YOU ARE GIVING ME A RIMJOB.
But seriously, it’s because of shit like this that we keep trying to sell you to giants.
So I’m going to punish you.”
and Freyja is like “Aw Frigg.
What’s it gonna be?”
And Odin is like “Well, I’ll let you have the necklace back
but only if you make all the races of men in Midgard fight wars forever.
Oh wait, that’s not really a puni—”
AND FREYJA IS LIKE “YES, DONE, THANK YOU.”
Then there is war forever
but at least Freyja looks pretty.
So the moral of the story
is that apparently women ARE currency
but the exchange rate of women to gold isn’t actually that great.
THOR GETS JACKED
So Thor’s sleeping one night
prolly dreaming about lightning and murder
and he wakes up like “Man, that was a good dream.
’Bout to go make it a reality with the help of my trusty OH SHIT
WHERE IS MY HAMMER??
LOOOOKIIII”
and Loki shows up like “I didn’t do it.
I mean . . . Hey, Thor, what’s good?”
And Thor’s like “SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER.”
And Loki is like “Wow. I actually seriously am not responsible for once.
Here, dude, let me help you find it.”
So they go see Freyja
and Freyja is like “Hey, Thor, what’s good?”
And Thor is like “SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER.
WAAAAHHHH.”
and Freya is like “Shut the fuck up, man.
We can solve this mystery.
Loki, did you steal the hammer?”
And Loki is like “Nope.”
And Freyja is like “Well, I’m out of ideas.”
and Loki is like “I know, right?
But how about this:
how about you lend me your cloak of feathers that lets you fly
so I can fly over to the land of the giants
and ask them where they hid Thor’s hammer
because as you know
if it wasn’t me, it was definitely the giants.”
And Freyja is like “Sure, man
take my super valuable cloak.”
So Loki takes it
and COMPLETELY FAILS TO STEAL IT all the way to Jotunheim.
and he glides right up to some really rich giant named Thrym
who is just sitting up on a mountain with some hounds on gold leashes
and he is like “Yo, Loki, my man, what’s good?”
and Loki is like “You didn’t happen to steal Mjolnir, did you?”
and Thrym is like “HAHA, YOU GOT ME
I STOLE IT AND THEN I BURIED IT
AND I’LL NEVER GIVE IT BACK UNLESS I GET TO MARRY FREYJA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
So Loki flies back to Freyja and Thor
who are both like “HOLY SHIT, LOKI
Did you forget
to steal that cloak or something?
It’s like you’re suddenly respecting people’s possessions. It’s creepy.”
And Loki is like “I KNOW, RIGHT?
Look, I can get Mjolnir back super easy.
Here, Freyja, just put on this wedding dress
and Freyja is just like “HELLLLLLLL
NO.
What do you think I am some kind of slut who trades sex for treasure?
Make Thor do it.”
And Thor is like “NOOOOOOOO WAY, JOSÉ.
What do I look like some kind of cross-dressing motherfucker?
Bitch you could not find a vagina on me if you CUT ONE INTO MY FLESH.
SHIT WOULD GROW BACK.
I AM A VIRILE DYNAMO WITH THE HEALING POWERS OF WOLVERINE.”
and Freyja is like “Yes, Thor, we all understand.
But if you don’t get that hammer back who is going to kill all the giants?
Those giants are going to remain woefully unkilled.”
And Thor is like “Fine, I’ll put on the dress.”
So they pull out ALL the fucking stops
this is like Pimp My Ride for drag queens right here.
They give him a veil and a dress
and Freyja’s pretty necklace and some house keys
’cause apparently there is some Norse wedding tradition
where they lock you out of a house and you have to get inside or else you’re divorced
and Thor just feels SOOOO PRETTY
but he won’t let anyone know
’cause he’s Thor, all right?
And then Loki gets jealous of how pretty Thor is
and is like “I wanna dress up too.”
And Freyja is like “All right.
You can be her—I mean HIS wingman or whatever.”
Hey, is there a female version of wingman?
Wingwoman sounds awkward.
I’m coining a new phrase:
Titcaptain.
Tell your friends.
So Loki and Thor show up at Thrym’s place
and Thrym makes the colossal mistake of inviting Thor to have dinner with him
so Thor eats an entire ox, and then eight salmon
and all the little cakes and shit they can bring him
and chugs a ton of mead
until Thrym is like “Whoa, baby.
Might wanna slow down there.”
And Loki is like “No, man, it’s totally cool.
She hasn’t eaten in EIGHT DAYS
’cause she was SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR DICK.”
So Thrym is like “Oh okay.”
But then he’s like “Man I really wanna kiss my bride right now”
so he lifts up her delicate veil and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
Here come Thor’s furious eyeballs, flaming with pure black hatred
and that is NOT what Thrym was looking for
and he is like “MY, WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE”
and Loki is like “No, man, it’s fine.
She just hasn’t slept for the last eight days
’cause she was so excited about your dick, like I said.
Honestly I don’t know how she’s even alive
except for the whole immortality thing, I guess.”
So then this random chick busts into the room
one of Thrym’s daughters or something
and is like “FREYJA, GIVE ME A WEDDING GIFT
EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED.
GIVE ME RINGS OF RED GOLD.”
and Thor is like “Fuck your red gold.
What do I look like, some kind of red dwarf?
Hey, Thrym, I want a wedding gift actually. I want Mjolnir.”
and Thrym is like “ANYTHING YOU SAY, HONEY.”
and goes and digs up Mjolnir and gives it to Thor
and Thor is like “OH, IT IS PARTY TIME NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS.”
So he kills Thrym
and then all of Thrym’s dudes
and then that chick who asked him for gold, just for good measure
and then he’s like “WHO’S THE MAN?
WHO’S THE MAN?
ME RIGHT?
’CAUSE THIS WHOLE THING KINDA MADE ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY.”
So the moral of the story is
if at first you don’t succeed
try cross-dressing.
ALL’S WELL THAT MIMIR’S WELL
Odin is constantly doing weird shit for secrets.
Like every morning, he sends out his two ravens—Hugin and Munin—to go fly around
and then in the evening they come back and tell him what’s up.
But DISASTER STRIKES
because one day
instead of telling him all the shit they saw
all the birds will say is “OHH SHIT. GOT SOME FOREBODING SHADOWS UP IN THIS BITCH.”
And Odin is like “FOREBODING SHADOWS?
THOSE ARE THE WORST KIND OF SHADOWS!”
At which point his wife, Frigga, busts in like “HUSBAND, STOP YELLING”
and Odin is like “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STOP YELLING
WHEN THERE ARE FOREBODING SHADOWS GOING ON ALL OVER THE PLACE??”
And Frigga is like “Okay, tell you what
how about we go hit up these chicks called the Norns
who live at the bottom of Yggdrassil—
THE TREE OF LIFE—
and look into their eyes for a bit and see the future?”
And Odin is like “Okay, I GUESS.”
So Odin gets all his buddies together
them being Tyr, the one-armed badass murder convention
Baldur the prettiest and best loved of all the gods
and Thor, who has a hammer.
They all walk over to this fabulous rainbow bridge
that connects Asgard to the base of Yggdrassil
and Odin goes up to Heimdall who is the keeper of the gate of Asgard
and also has a sweet gold grill
and Heimdall opens up the gate
and Odin walks through, and Tyr walks through, and Baldur walks through
and Thor tries to walk through and Heimdall is like “NOPE, NO THORS ALLOWED.”
and Thor who is the god of getting real pissed real fast
is all “DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND BEAT YOUR WIFE.
OH WAIT, YOU DON’T HAVE A WIFE
SO I GUESS I AM GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT
UNTIL SOME POOR SKANK FINDS YOUR WEAK-ASS GOLD GRILL ALLURING
AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE CUTTING THE CAKE AT YOUR WEDDING
I WILL BUST OUT OF THE CAKE
AND CLOCK YOUR NEW WIFE IN THE JAW WITH MY HAMMER
BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT DEFINES ME AS A PERSON
IT IS MY MASSIVE FUCKING HAMMER.”
And Heimdall is like “Actually your hammer is kind of the problem
the weight of your hammer combined with the weight of your fat, fat ass
would break the rainbow bridge.
So I’m sorry, dude but you’re going to have to stay home.
UNLESS you want to wade across these two smothering miserable cloud rivers
and meet your bros on the other side.”
and Thor is like “SOUNDS AWESOME.”
So nine hours later, Thor finally catches up to everyone at the base of Yggdrassil
and then Odin goes over to stare at the Norns for a bit.
There are three Norns:
Urda, the old one
Verdandi, the hot one
and Skulda, the emo one
and in their eyes Odin can see the future
and I dunno exactly wha
t it is
but it’s apparently pretty depressing
and then Frigga shows up
with Sif (Thor’s wife)
and Nanna (Baldur’s wife. Lucky bitch)
and she looks at the Norns for a bit
and then looks real sad at Baldur, who is her son
presumably because she saw him die in the future or some shit.
Who knows?
(Spoiler alert: He totally dies.)
So Odin turns around like “Hey, guys I need to go to Midgard for a bit.
I need to drink from the well of Mimir
because it is fortified with wisdom and shit
and all these foreboding shadows are going wayyy over my head.”
And then Thor has to figure out how to get back home.
So Odin trades in his spear, and all his armor and his eight-legged horse, and his name
for a blue cloak and a staff and a big floppy hat
and the name VEGTAM THE WANDERER
and he starts walking through Jotunheim looking for giants.
Pretty soon he sees him a giant
So he walks up to this giant like “Hey, bro, what’s your name?”
and the giant is like “I AM VAFTHRUDNIR WISEST GIANT EVER.”
Odin has heard about this dude
and he knows that he is not bullshitting
so he is like “Oh damn, I am in luck.
Wanna hook me up with some wisdom?”
and Vafthrudnir is like “OKAY, BUT FIRST ANSWER SOME RANDOM TRIVIA
AND IF YOU ANSWER WRONG I GET TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD.”
This may seem strange
but actually this is just how they play trivial pursuit in Sweden.
So Vafthrudnir tosses out a bunch of questions
but his quiz is actually super weak sauce
because like 100 percent of the answers can be readily found on Wikipedia
so Odin proceeds to hand him his ass
and Vafthrudnir is like “Aww dang.
Now you gotta ask ME a question.”
and Odin is like “How about this one:
WHAT ARE THE LAST WORDS THAT ODIN WILL SAY TO HIS SON BALDUR?”
And Vafthrudnir is like “COME ON, THAT IS ENTIRELY UNFAIR
ONLY ODIN WOULD KNOW THE ANSWER TO—Waaait a second.
You’re Odin, aren’t you?
You motherfucker.
Okay, what kind of wisdom did you want to get hooked up with?”
And Odin is like “I just wanna know how much it costs to drink from Mimir’s well.”
and Vafthrudnir is like “Oh damn, is that all? You probably could have just asked Mimir.
He generally just charges people THEIR RIGHT EYE.”
Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology Page 6
