AND IT’S ’BOUT TO DELIVER ONE WHOPPER OF A BALLSACK TO THE BRAINPAN.
I think you may find it comforting to know
that Japan was no less strange two thousand years ago than it is today
they did not have the technology to build flying boobs and hand-job robots
but weird shit has always been Japan’s prime natural resource
as the thousand-plus deities in the Shinto pantheon can proudly attest
so have a seat
get comfortable
but I cannot assure you
that what you are sitting on
is not a raccoon’s nuts.
IZANAMI GETS REAL SORE
So where do we begin?
Oh, I know
HOW ABOUT THE BEGINNING?
DURRRR.
Okay, so apparently there’s like a hojillion generations of gods in Japan.
In fact, there are so many generations
that it takes seven of them JUST TO GET US TO THE DUDES WHO CREATE THE EARTH.
What the hell were those other generations of gods doing?
Just havin’ orgies not messing with ANY MORTALS AT ALL?
That . . . sounds pretty ideal, actually.
Anyway, after seven generations we finally get our two main characters:
Izanagi (meaning “he who invites”)
and Izanami (meaning “SHE who invites”)
(that has nothing to do with how they behave or who they are or anything.
It’s not like the entirety of creation is a fancy dinner party.
Just thought it would be a nice detail to include.)
Izanagi and Izanami are probably siblings based on how similar their names are.
(See also: Tweedledee and Tweedledum)
And seeing as this is mythology
their first act is to be like “HEY:
I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPT TOGETHER.
LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE!”
But since all the gods have just been chilling out having nothing but orgies for millennia
no one even knows how marriage WORKS
so Izanagi and Izanami have to make it up from scratch
and what they come up with actually makes a lot of sense:
Izanagi’s like “All right
what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna see you and get REEEEALLY EXCITED
and then you are also gonna get REALLY EXCITED
and then we’ll be married!”
And Izanami is like “Sounds great!
I mean, normally women are supposed to be super passive and not speak unless spoken to
but I guess I will make an exception in this case
because, bro
I am dying to get my bone on with you, bro.”
So they do their crazy marriage thing
and then immediately get down to business
and then suddenly Izanami gives birth to a hideous mutant leech baby.
BIG SURPRISE, ASSHOLES.
Y’ALL ARE SIBLINGS.
Actually, I want to go ahead and applaud the Japanese
for having the first mythos that accurately portrays the outcome of incest.
Oh wait
I spoke too soon.
Turns out they had a leechbaby because Izanami TALKED DURING THE WEDDING.
WOMEN AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK, GUYS.
IT’S UNLADYLIKE, AND THEY WILL BE PUNISHED WITH LEECHES.
So they take a mulligan on the marriage
and this time Izanami keeps her fat mouth shut
and then they get bizzay
and give birth to
THE ISLAND OF JAPAN.
OW.
Not only is that not a living thing
thus making it even more mutant status than the leechbaby
but just imagine trying to push Japan out your ladyhole.
Izanami just gets all kinds of screwed over in this story.
Oh, I forgot to say
they bone so hard in the water that they create bubbles
and the bubbles turn into all the other landmasses on Earth
which is good
because it means Izanami doesn’t have to individually birth EVERY SINGLE OTHER PLACE
but even so
Japan is not the last-level hazard Izanami has to scooch out her cooch.
Enter (or rather exit) KAGUTSUCHI
GOD OF FIRE.
OWWWW.
This is disgusting, guys.
I am disgusted.
Oh, and that’s finally what kills Izanami
so now she’s dead
but it’s okay
(kind of)
because when Izanami dies a whole bunch of other gods fly out of her corpse
like the god of earth and stuff
and then Izanagi starts crying about it and his tears turn into MORE GODS
and then he gets pissed off and cuts Kagutsuchi into pieces
and guess what the pieces turn into
DING DING DING
MORE GODS.
Is there anything anyone can do in ancient Japan that does not result in more gods?
Answer: no.
So then Izanami calms down a little bit
(he is cycling through the stages of grief mighty fast)
and he decides to go down to Yomi
which is Japanese hell
and try and get her back.
So he goes down there and finds Izanami and he’s like “’Sup, gurl
wanna come be alive with me again or something?”
And Izanami is like “Aw shit, bro
I already ate a bunch of pomegranates or whatever and now I can’t leave.
Here, let me introduce you to my friend Persephone.
I understand she has had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY.”
So Izanagi is pretty disappointed
but he decides to chill out in Yomi for a while anyway
except here’s the problem
at some point he lights a torch
and he sees his wife
and she appears to have traded in her hotness for a lifetime supply of MAGGOTS
and he’s like “AW HELL NO, GIRL
I was gonna ask about conjugal visits in hell
but I think I need to change my mind
BECAUSE IT JUST SHAT ITSELF WITH HORROR.”
And Izanami is like “Come back, bro, don’t be a pussy.”
And Izanagi is like “HIGGITY-HELL NO.”
And Izanami is like “Fine, dick.
How about I kill a thousand people a day for the rest of eternity?”
And Izanagi is like “Okay, you do that.
I will create ONE THOUSAND AND FIVE HUNDRED people every day.
Suck it, uggo.
Or actually, don’t suck it.
I don’t want to come down with a case of maggot dong.”
So I guess they probably have a bidding war for a while
where Izanami ups the number of dudes she kills
and Izanagi ups the number of dudes he makes
and they keep doing that basically forever, as far as I can tell
and that’s where overpopulation comes from!
So the moral of the story
is that access to safe and effective birth control should be a human right
because no woman
should ever have to give birth
to Japan.
SUSANOO HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE’S DOING
So I don’t know whose bright idea it was to have storm gods
but these guys are nothing but problems.
We’ve got Zeus for
starters
(I don’t even wanna open that can of philandering worms right now)
and then there’s Thor
world-champion ruckus causer
but as if those two problem machines weren’t enough
we also have one of the ultimate prodigies of irrational sex and violence.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you:
SUSANOO
Now I know what you’re thinking
you’re thinking that SUSANOO sounds like an overacted exclamation from a bad soap opera.
My friends, I assure you that it is not.
It is actually the name of the Japanese god of storms
birthed by Izanagi one day when he was washing his nose.
So one day Susanoo gets kicked out of heaven for being too rowdy
and on his way out he goes to say good-bye to his sister Amaterasu.
Now, Susanoo and Amaterasu are not on the best of terms
so Amaterasu thinks her bro might be trying to play one last prank on her on his way out
but Susanoo is like “No, sis, I just wanna say good-bye.
Here, let me prove my sincerity to you
by engaging you in a VERY WEIRD CONTEST.”
So what they do
is they each pick an inanimate object
and see how many gods they can make the object give birth to
because in ancient Japan
causing unlikely things to give birth
is a time-honored tradition.
In fact, having babies the normal way is considered kinda gauche.
So Amaterasu picks Susanoo’s sword
and she makes it give birth to three chicks
and meanwhile Susanoo is using his sister’s necklace to make five dudes
and then Susanoo is like “Well, I guess I win
because my sword was what gave birth to chicks
and chicks are worth double points.”
And for some reason they don’t argue over this at all
and everything is great.
BUT NOT FOR LONG
because seeing as he is the god of storms
it takes all of six seconds for Susanoo to start making bad decisions.
Everyone is basically just going around minding their own business
when WHAM WHAM WIMMY WOZZLE
here comes Susanoo, shitting on everybody’s rice fields
then he cuts up a pony and throws it at his sister’s loom
and then kills one of her attendants for no good reason.
Basically you can tell he didn’t spend very long planning this rampage
but even so, it ends up being so horrible that his sister crawls into a cave and refuses to come out.
So of course now he gets exiled for REAL
and on the way out he figures he should get some groceries
so he hits up the food goddess for some food
and she hooks him up with all kinds of stuff
but apparently she is taking all of this stuff out of really gross places on her body
and Susanoo is not okay with that
so he kills her.
GREAT JOB, DICK.
WHERE IS ALL THE FOOD GONNA COME FROM NOW?
But it’s okay
because since she is the food goddess
her whole dead body immediately turns into food
so like
silkworms come out of her head
and rice comes out of her eyes
and small beans come out of her nose
and millet comes out of her ears
and barley shoots out of her junk
and then large beans come out of her fundament
which is what my sourcebook seems to think a butt is called.
So that all turns out okay
but now Susanoo is FOR REAL TRIPLE EXILED
So he’s wandering around down on Earth
when he sees this man and woman crying all over their daughter
and he’s like “Whoa, whoa, stop that.
What’s going on?”
And they’re like “Well, see we used to have eight daughters
but every year for the last seven years
one of our daughters has been eaten by the YAMATA NO OROCHI.”
And Susanoo is like “Uhh, what is that?”
And they’re like “WELL.
It’s a snake
but instead of one head, it has eight
and instead of one tail, it has eight
and instead of being normal snake size it is as long as eight hills and eight valleys.
ARE YOU BEGINNING TO NOTICE A THEME?
Also, moss grows on its back and its eyes are like cherries
I don’t know how the world turtle and Santa Claus got mixed in here
but HOLY CANNOLI THIS THING IS SCARY.”
And Susanoo is like “Pshaw, my friends
I am your local god of storms
romping and stomping is what I DO.
How about you let me have your daughter and I will kill this big snake?”
And the parents
(who are names are Foot-Stroker and Hand-Stroker)
are like “Okay, sure, sweet.”
So immediately Susanoo goes WAZZAP KAGOW
and turns the daughter
(whose name is Beautiful-Rice-Field-Princess)
into a comb
which he immediately stuffs in his hair
presumably to keep her safe
but more likely because he has no idea how sex actually works.
We are talking about guy who has made a career out of forcing necklaces to give birth.
And then he’s like “ALL RIGHT, GUYS
HERE’S THE PLAN:
I need you to build eight gates
and eight pedestals to put behind the eight gates
and I want you to make eight pots
full of booze that has been distilled EIGHT TIMES
because we’re kind of on a roll with the whole eight thing
and then I want you to set that all up for me
and we should be good.”
So they set all that stuff up
and pretty soon the snake comes along
and it smells the octuple-distilled booze and it is like “OH DAMN
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IS HAVING A PARTY.
TIME TO TRANSFER THE ENTIRE LIQUOR CONTENT OF THAT PARTY INTO MY BODY.”
Which is basically what I yell every time I show up to a party.
But yeah, the snake gets absolutely trashed in all eight of its heads
and then they passes out
at which point Susanoo just strolls by
idly decapitating each of the heads in succession
except he only gets halfway
when his sword hits something and TOTALLY BREAKS.
Oh wait, it’s fine.
It turns out what he broke his sword on is just A BRAND-NEW SWORD
so it looks like it all worked out in the end.
Pretty soon after that they let him back into heaven
because who is going to argue with a guy who just decapitated a snake eight times?
So the moral of the story
is that no matter what shape or size
drunk animals are ALWAYS hilarious.
AMATERASU AND THE CRIPPLING DEPRESSION
So, Amaterasu is hiding in a cave.
She is doing this because this is what you do when your brother is the god of storms
and he does things like tear up ponies and shit in rice fields for absolutely no reason.
This is a problem.
This is a problem b
ecause Amaterasu is the sun
and the sun is important for things, like
for example
organic life.
But no one can talk Amaterasu out of her sadhole
no matter how many funny voices they do
and the gods are all starting to get pretty nervous
because how are they going to have sweet beach parties without the sun?
So they have a big meeting of all the gods
and that is quite a thing
because there are about EIGHT HUNDRED GODS.
Yeah
Shintos don’t mess around.
And all of these gods sit down and they start brainstorming
and I don’t think they ever got more than halfway through brainstorming
because here is what they end up doing:
They get a mirror
and a giant necklace
and some cherry bark
and they put it on some tree they found
and then they get this chick named Ama-no-Uzumi
whose name means “DREAD CELESTIAL FEMALE”
to do a silly dance on a washtub until everybody is just laughing their holy asses off.
Okay, so far it sounds like a pretty good party
but where does the plan come in?
Well, see, what happens
is that Amaterasu hears everybody having a good time
and she comes out of her cave like “Hey wait, why is everybody so happy?
Last thing I remember
some dude was chucking dead horses through everything.”
And all the other gods are like “Oh we are SO over that now.
Now we are all about this new goddess we found.
She is SOOOO much prettier than you it is amazing.
Look, check it out.”
And then they hold up the mirror
and Amaterasu thinks that her reflection is a DIFFERENT PERSON.
You heard it here first, my friends
the sun is on the same level intellectually
as that puppy you had when you were five
you know
the one that kept beating its head against the hall mirror because it was trying to play with itself.
So Amaterasu is so into her own radiant glory
that she can’t stop herself from walking toward the mirror
and meanwhile some other gods are creeping along behind her
roping off her escape route so she HAS to go back into the sky
and then she does
and everyone is free to get as many sunburns as they can handle.
So the moral of the story
Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology Page 12
