“I may not be your boss anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not your friend. I still expect you to come see us weekly. I want you to stop by when you have a new song and you just need someone else to hear it. I want you to come here and have a celebration drink with us when your book sells, and then another when it hits the best sellers list.” His genuine smile is so infectious, for the first time in two days, I find myself smiling too.
Because as hard as it will be to walk away from this place. I know Jake is right. Now is the time where my life really begins. My writing career is now in swing. My friends are growing up, following their dreams. Somewhere along the way, I have to stop delaying and just start doing.
I'm not the same teenage girl that I was five years ago. I'm not the person I was four years ago or even three or two for that matter. Each day I grow, I learn, I become who I am meant to be in this world.
Losing Zayne is a loss that I am almost certain I can not bare and yet, I know that I have to find the strength somewhere. The world doesn't stop turning because my heart is currently in pieces. Life goes on and I go right along with it.
After thanking Jake and gathering my things, I make the short ten minute walk home, dispensing my guitar by the door before heading straight for my room.
Without so much as a second thought, I pull out my oversized suitcase from my closet and begin filling it with various outfits and toiletries. For a moment, I consider calling my mom but immediately decide against it.
A long drive across the country will give me the time I need to think, to clear my head. If my mom knows I'm coming, she will call me every hour to check my progress. As much as I love her, I don't want her as a distraction right now.
After gathering all the essentials for my twenty-eight hour drive, I write Carver a quick note letting him know that I am going home to visit my family and that I will call as soon as I arrive. I know that he will worry about me, that's just his way, but I also know that he will support my decision as well.
A sick knot forms in the pit of my stomach when I almost call Alec on instinct to fill him in. We obviously have not spoken since the incident and while I know I am at fault, I can't be the one to reach out to him, at least not yet anyways. My pride simply won't allow it.
Rolling my suitcase to the door, careful to be quiet and not wake Carver, I take one last look at the apartment that I have grown so fond of. It's hard to believe that three months ago this place was bustling with activity. Me, Emma, and Carver all trying to find our way through living together, finding jobs, sharing the television and even harder, sharing the bathroom.
I can't help but smile at all the fond memories I have made here and even though I know I will be coming back, a part of me feels like this is goodbye in a sense. Not in the goodbye forever kind of way. But more as if I know that the person I am today will not be the person that returns here when I do.
After throwing my suitcase in the trunk of my car, I head out into the night. Taking in everything that is New York and being able to pinpoint the things I will miss the most while I'm gone, which may be a week or a month or hell, even a year. Becca was right. There's nothing I can do in New York that I can't do in Colorado.
I can write no matter where I am and electronic communication will work just as effectively as in person when working with my agent. Tons of writers have agents that live across the country. It's not like every person who gets signed, turns around and moves to wherever their agent is. That would be absurd.
My only real dilemma as far as work is concerned, is how I am ever going to muster the strength to finish the novel I am currently working on. Whether I finish now or a year from now, I know eventually I will. But that doesn't mean I can't work on other things until I'm ready.
It takes me about thirty minutes until I see the blazing lights of the city in my rear view mirror. Even at one in the morning, the city still seems alive. And watching the lights grow dimmer and dimmer behind me, I feel a new found sense of courage that until recently, I didn't even know I had.
It's time for me to 'put my big girl panties on' as Em would say and learn how to live without Zayne. And while the thought both devastates and terrifies me, I know that ultimately I don't have any other option. I need to heal and I need to move on. For myself and for the people I love.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“Yes Em. I know not to pick up any hitchhikers.” I say, rolling my eyes at my best friend on the other end of the phone.
“I know, I know. I just... God Grace, I feel like I should be there for you.” She says, sighing into the phone. I can imagine her right now, nervously fidgeting with her hair which is what she does anytime something worries her.
“You are.” I remind her, throwing one last look into the bathroom mirror of my hotel room before grabbing my car keys off of the oak dresser and heading for the door. “You are always with me in spirit. And phone conversations work just as well as in person.” I say, trying to reassure her.
“Well I can't hug you via phone conversation.” She says, causing a small laugh to escape my throat.
“You're ridiculous you know that? Besides, I would much rather you be.... Wait where are you again?” I ask, not sure what stop their tour is in.
“Cincinnati.” She replies with a laugh.
“Right. Well I would much rather you be in Cincinnati living your dream. I can do this Em.” I say, deciding to tack on the last part without much thought. “How's Alec?”
She falls silent on the other end of the line and for a moment I think maybe the called dropped but then she lets out a long sigh, breaking the silence.
“That bad huh?” I ask.
“He's upset Grace. I mean, really upset. But I don't know this because he's told me so. It's more like what he hasn't told me.” She says.
“Okay wait. I'm confused. So he has or has not spoken to you about this?”
“He hasn't. But that's just it Grace. He hasn't spoken to me about anything since he found out. He's resigned and quiet and most of our phone conversations consist of me going on and on about whatever happened to me since the last time we spoke. He doesn't really say anything Grace.” I can tell by her tone that she's worried but she's too scared to voice it, fearful that it will in turn affect me adversely.
“We really hurt him.” I admit, taking a deep breath as I slide into the drivers seat of my car. “I have never seen him look at me like that before Em. If you could have seem the disappointment on his face, oh god. I don't think I will ever be able to erase that from my mind.” I lean my head against my steering wheel, trying to keep my emotions at bay.
“He'll get over Gracie. You know he will. He's probably just in shock right now. Give him some time. In the meantime, I'll do what I can to get him talking. Maybe if I can reason with him, I can help somehow. I mean, we did after all, kind of do the same thing to you.” She says, apology in her voice.
“Yeah, I guess. But this just seems different somehow. I never asked you not to date him, nor did I think that he didn't deserve you. I'm glad you guys found each other, whether it works out or not. I just want you to be happy. But it's not like that for Alec. He's dead set against me and Zayne and you know how stubborn he can be. I can't bare the thought of losing Zayne forever Em.” I fight through the knot forming in my throat. “But Alec too....” I break off on a sob.
“You are not going to lose Alec Grace. You already know that. Please don't cry. You know how much I hate when you cry without me.” She whines, managing to make me laugh a little through my tears.
“And if my opinion counts for anything, I think Zayne will come around too. I can't imagine this is easy for him either.” She says.
“That's the thing though Em. As much as I don't want to lose him, I can't keep doing this to myself. How many times am I going to let him hurt me before I finally put my foot down? No....” I say, more to myself than to Emma. “I needed him. I needed him to stand by me and have my back and yet, he pushed me away. He ended it. He made his ch
oice.” I say, drying my tears with the back of my hand.
“You know I will support you no matter what happens but Grace...” She pauses as if unsure how to say the words. “Don't let your pride get in the way of what you truly want. People make mistakes, just remember that.”
“And I'm on your side.” She adds quickly, as if reading my mind. “I just want you to look at the big picture, that's all.”
“I know. Thank you Em. I'll call you later okay?” I say, finally starting my car. Shifting it into drive, I pull out into the road.
“I miss you.” She says. “Be safe and call me as soon as you get there.”
“I will. Love you.”
“Love you.” She says just before the line goes dead.
Clicking off my cell, I toss it into the passenger seat and flip the radio on. I have only made it to Indiana and while I still have a long journey ahead of me, the open road is exactly what I need right now.
****
A day and a half later, I finally make it home to Colorado Springs. It feels like it's been ages since I've been here and yet somehow, everything seems the same.
I can't help but smile when I pass Pine Creek High School and I downright laugh when I see that they still have not scrubbed the paint off of the Eagle statue that sits out front. That was a senior prank gone seriously wrong and one that will forever be remembered, at least by me and the few people that were on the inside of the whole charade.
Instead of heading directly into Briargate, the small community where my mom lives, I decide to head a little outside of town and visit the cemetery where both my dad and Kyle are buried. It's been so long since I have visited my dad and a part of me feels like I owe it to him to go there first. I decided this stop was a must somewhere during my endless drive through Kansas.
Equipped with two different arrangements of flowers that I picked up at a local shop just outside of town, I finally pull into the graveyard about thirty minutes later. Following the narrow winding road to the very last section of the grounds, I pull my car off to the side and power off the engine, grabbing a bouquet before exiting the car.
My dad is buried in the back row. His head stone, a modest dark gray stone. Joshua Alec Morgan inscribed across the front in large standard font. I push past the well of emotions I feel as I stop directly in front of his grave.
Me and my dad always had a special bond and while I know sitting down and talking to him like he's still here would be completely acceptable, it's simply not the type of relationship we had. Words were never needed with him.
So instead of saying anything, I just sit. In a way, just being here comforts me, just like he always comforted me as a child. I know it sounds crazy but it's times like this when I swear I can feel him with me. Reassuring me that everything is going to be okay and telling me to stay strong.
I'm not sure how much time passes before I finally decide I need to get going. Standing, I brush the dirt from the back of my jeans and kiss my hand, placing it to the top of his headstone.
“I love you daddy.” Is all I manage to say before one solitary tear trickles down my cheek. I can feel the well of emotions stirring deep inside of me but I push it down. Forcing myself to turn and walk away. For as hard as this visit has been. The next is sure to pull fierce emotion from me that I have buried for a very long time now.
I stop by my car and retrieve the other bouquet of flowers before continuing on. Kyle is buried one section over and six rows in front of my dad's. I know exactly how many steps it takes to get there even though I have not visited Kyle's grave since the day of his funeral. Something about seeing his name on a stone with a date of death was just too much for me and because of this, I just never came.
So when I approach the massive light headstone that was not here the day of his funeral and I see his name Kyle Michael Parker, etched so beautifully into the stone, I can not contain the tears. There's no thought or attempt to control them, I know better than to even try.
It takes me a few moments to calm the stream that seem to be never ending. I can't make myself move forward. I can't reach out and lay down the flowers I brought for him. I can't do anything but stare at his name.
Sometimes you forget just how much it hurts to live without someone until you have to come visit them and the only thing you have to look at, to talk to, is a hard cold stone. After what feels like an eternity, I finally find my voice.
“Hi Kyle.” I say, stepping forward and taking a seat directly in front of his headstone. I place the flowers at the base before reaching my hand out and placing it on his name.
Fresh emotion bubbles in me but I push it down. While I am content just sitting with my dad, I came to see Kyle with a specific purpose. I need to say my goodbyes. I need to find real closure. This is the only way I know how.
“I'm so sorry I haven't come out to see you before now. I know how awful that probably makes me seem but I know you understand why I couldn't. You understand because unlike so many others, you always understood me. You know that me not coming to visit in no way defines how I feel about you. I think you probably always knew that I would get here eventually.” I let out a light laugh through my tears.
“So many things have happened since you died. For the longest time I couldn't live, fearful that to do so would somehow be an insult to you. Like you didn't really matter or something. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but for a sixteen year old, it was the only way I knew.”
“I wasn't prepared to lose you. I wasn't prepared to face yet another death so soon after my dad. But more than anything, I couldn't live with the fact that I lived and you died.” I fight through the tightness in my throat to continue.
“I blamed myself for your death for a very long time. I now know that it was not something I could have controlled. No matter how unfair I think that is, the fact still remains that you are gone and there is nothing I can do to bring you back.”
“I tried for so long to act like I was okay. That losing you didn't kill every part of the girl that I was. But it did. Even if I lived, I died with you that day Kyle. And I lived that way for years. Living on the outside, dead on the inside. Until he came along.....” I break off, my sobs coming harder now.
Somehow mixing my goodbye to Kyle with my relationship with Zayne makes the words so much harder to say, knowing that now I have lost them both.
“He saved me. He showed me it was okay to be not okay. He taught me how to laugh again. I mean really laugh. And he showed me the disservice I was doing to your memory by squandering my chance at a life, when yours was taken away far too soon.”
“He didn't make me love you any less or in any way lighten the weight of your loss. But he taught me how to live through the grief. And even though he's gone now too, in a different sense of course, I still value what he taught me. He's the reason I'm here today.”
I take a deep breath trying to take my emotions down a little before continuing.
“I should have said goodbye to you five years ago, but I... I wasn't ready to let you go. I'm still not ready to let you go. But I know that it's what I have to do. I know that it's what you would want me to do.”
“I got your necklace.” I say, toying with the small chain around my neck. “Your mom found it when she was cleaning out your room. I can't tell you what it meant to me, what it means to me. But it no longer seems fitting. It's no longer me being stuck here and you going off to start your life but rather the opposite. I feel like, in a way, the necklace should stay with you.” I say, with shaky fingers unclasping the chain and holding it in the palm of my hand.
“That way you always know that no matter where I go or what happens, I will always be with you. I will carry you with me always and no matter how much time passes, a piece of my heart will always belong to you. I will never give it away. Even if I give my heart to another, that small piece will remain with me, always reserved for you.” I say, sliding the chain into the small gap where his headstone meets the earth.
Pushing
the dirt down over top of it, I make sure it's deep enough that it won't be moved. “I love you Kyle Parker. I will always love you.” I say, leaning my forehead against the cool stone.
I remain that way for a very long time. Crying tears that needed to be cried, saying words that needed to be said. By the time I stand to leave, the sun is setting causing shadows to dance around me off the trees.
I lean forward and kiss the top of the stone. “Goodbye Kyle.” I whisper, before turning and walking away.
While I know that I will still feel the pain of his loss every single day of my life, at least now I feel like I can finally start to truly heal. For as much as Zayne gave me in the way of teaching me how to live again, only Kyle had the power to set me free.
Chapter Twenty-Five
After sending my mom into a state of shock by my surprise visit, I quickly settled into the routine of being back home again. I forgot how easy things flow with my family.
Everyday it's the same routine. Sleep until I get up. Eat a ridiculously large breakfast compliments of my mom. Go for a walk. Catch lunch with Ian. Browse the streets of the Springs where I mostly just window shop but sometimes see an article of clothing or a bag I simply can not live without. Do a little writing at the park. Go back home. Check in with my agent or do some other work related things. Have dinner with mom, Rob, and sometimes Ian. Call Em and leave an unnecessarily long message about my day. Check in with Carver who usually answers my calls and kills about thirty minutes of my evening. And then the day usually ends with me curled up on the couch with mom, watching re-runs of I Love Lucy until she finally calls it a night.
This has been how I have spent the last ten days. My mind knowing that I need to get back to my life and stop hiding out at my parents house, my heart accepting that I'm just not ready. Then again, will I ever be ready?
Embrace (Two Hearts Book 2) Page 16
