Ben frowned. “Sounds very strange.”
“It was. I didn’t realize it until later, though.” She took a deep breath. “The thing is, we were well cared for. He loved us. He spent time with us. He read to us, took us on hikes, to museums, sang to us… We learned a lot and never missed what we didn’t have. The problem was when I started blaming him for not having a mother to help me with all the things girls need moms for. And I didn’t stop blaming him until I was almost twenty. Then he died before I could tell him that I forgave him.”
Jessica’s eyes dropped back to her hands. “That’s what’s been driving me for ten years. The idea that I have to make it up to him. He wasn’t wrong. He was passionate about his beliefs. He was eccentric, but he was a good person. I mean, he helped so many people. He was so generous.”
“You were young. You didn’t have a mother. Your life was…weird,” Ben said. “I don’t think you were wrong to be upset and confused.”
“Maybe not.” She shook her head. “But I never got to talk to him about it. I never heard his side. I never said I was sorry.”
She sniffed and wiped the wetness from her bottom lashes. “I had moved into that stupid apartment only a month before. He hated it. It was in a bad neighborhood, and it was a complete dump. But I was trying to show him that I finally understood the minimalist ideas he’d promoted. I had nothing in there worth anything. I had twenty-one dollars in cash and no credit cards. But he came to see me one afternoon and came upon those kids trying to break in. When he tried to defend my worthless collection of stuff, they shot him and ran off. When I found him, he was still alive but unconscious.”
Her voice broke and Ben reached out to cover one of her hands. She didn’t move to hold his hand, but did let him touch her, which helped Ben more, he suspected, than it did her.
“He never woke up. He died before I could tell him I was sorry, or that I loved him, or goodbye.”
A tear did slip down her cheek then. “I’ve been obsessed with goodbyes ever since then.” She raised her eyes and smiled at him. “I can’t leave anyone I care about without telling them goodbye, and I always try to say something important. It annoys my brother and sister.”
“I doubt that.”
She shrugged. “It does. But I don’t care.”
She smiled again and he felt relieved. She was okay. She was sad. She had some baggage. But Jessica was strong.
“You said goodbye to me at the bar last night,” he recalled all of a sudden, a warmth spreading through his chest.
Jessica looked surprised for a moment. “You remember that?”
“Of course. You also told me not to do anything stupid.” She cared about him, Ben realized. She couldn’t leave him last night, even as disappointed as she was in him, without saying goodbye.
“Yes, I did.”
He shouldn’t push. He shouldn’t ask. Because if she did care about him, he’d have to face the fact that he cared about her, too, and it would get complicated. “Because you care about me?” he asked, in spite of thinking better of it.
She bit her bottom lip, saying nothing. Then she nodded and he felt like he could take a deep breath again…and could possibly digest the cheese and soda without adverse consequences.
“I didn’t do anything stupid,” he said. “I let Sam take me to his place without even an argument.”
“Because you were too drunk to protest?” she asked, turning her hand over and lacing her fingers with his.
“No, because you asked me to not be stupid. Arguing with Sam would be stupid. He’s bigger than me.”
She grinned. “It’s good that you can take advice.”
“Do you work tonight?” he asked, hoping the answer was no.
He had the strangest urge to buy her an extremely expensive dinner, take her to the theater or something else extravagant and then buy her a sappy gift. He had in no way missed how similar things had been for them growing up. His father hadn’t been as obsessive as hers. Ben had owned video games and music tapes even in Africa, but he knew all about sacrificing for others and focusing time and energy on work. Jessica needed some fun and foolishness in her life.
“Yes,” she said, regret in her voice.
He knew she would take on more shifts again now that he would be working at the coffee shop where Dolly could keep an eye on him. He also knew it drove Jessica crazy to not be the one making sure he behaved. But being away from the ER for more than a day at a time drove her just as crazy. “Twelve hours?” he asked.
She nodded.
That meant she wouldn’t be off until seven the next morning. Damn. Looked like he was going to work that night at the coffee shop.
“Will you meet me at the center tomorrow?” she asked.
“Unless I can talk you into coming to my place and spending the day in bed with me,” he said, wishing that could happen so badly it scared him.
She smiled. “Very tempting. But I’ll need to sleep after my shift and I don’t think a lot of that will happen at your place.”
“You’re damn right it won’t,” he told her, leaning in and giving her a quick, firm kiss on the lips.
She looked surprised but happy when he pulled back. “What will you do until tomorrow afternoon?”
He decided they’d had enough serious conversation for one day. He shrugged. “There are several adult channels on my cable package.”
“You’ll sit around all afternoon and watch pornos on TV?” she asked, obviously horrified.
“I’ll have to get some candy bars and ice cream—oh, and I’m out of chips—on my way home.”
He grinned at the look on her face as she processed the idea that he’d be watching drivel and ruining his health while she was working.
In actuality, he’d be at the coffee shop until closing tonight and then help out in the morning too. He still wasn’t very good at sleeping in. He wondered if his body would ever adjust out of the trauma surgeon mode.
“Meet me at the center at four,” she said.
He admired her restraint. She hadn’t made one judgmental comment.
“That’s a long time from now,” he said, looking at his watch. “I could get into a lot of trouble between now and then.”
She bit the inside of her cheek and he almost laughed.
“What are you doing right now? You don’t work until seven.” He still wanted to buy her sinfully expensive, delicious food.
“I’m going home to take a shower, eat some vegetables and change clothes for work,” she said. “And I’m thinking about swinging by the church and lighting a candle for your soul.”
He grinned. She couldn’t hold it all back, after all. “You’re not Catholic.”
“God will understand.”
“I don’t suppose you need someone to scrub your back in the shower?” he asked.
She tried to frown at him, but he could see the corners of her mouth trying to lift up. “I’ve been scrubbing my own back for a very long time now.”
He nodded. “Yes, I know. That’s part of the problem we’re having.”
“We’re having a problem?” she asked.
“Yes. The problem being that you don’t even understand that you want me to scrub your back. You don’t know what you’re missing.”
“If I did, everything would be fine?” she asked. “I suppose that sex with you will be so extraordinary that I won’t care if you drink yourself to death? Or live sinfully with abysmal health habits?”
He laughed. “When I finally have sex with you, Jessica, I’m quite sure that I’ll want to go on living for a very long time. And I’ll want to be very healthy. It will make it easier to keep up with you all night.”
She lost the battle with not smiling. “What about the immorality?”
“No promises there. You’re the best inspiration I’ve had for immoral behavior in a long time.”
“Well, at least I’ll be sexually satisfied as my principles plummet.” She gave a very dramatic, long-suffering sigh.
Ben put a hand over his heart. “I promise that you’ll never have a sexual urge or a junk-food craving that I can’t take care of.”
Jessica was extremely proud of the David Bradford Youth Center and the kids who ended up within its walls. However, it was not exactly a romantic setting.
It was basically a collection of various-sized rooms used for everything from studying and tutoring to relaxing and watching TV, a large gymnasium with attached shower rooms, and a basic kitchen. They had four twin beds for kids who needed a place overnight and a list of volunteers who would help overnight if needed. They received donations from time to time for supplies and food, but David Bradford’s trust, along with occasional private, state or federal grants, allowed them to provide basic medical care, hygiene products, clothing as needed and one meal a day.
It was a great place.
But it was definitely not romantic.
Anticipating seeing Ben there with excitement that led to her regularly checking her hair and makeup and using breath mints one right after the other was ridiculous.
She was doing it anyway.
And when he wasn’t there by four-twelve she started picturing him as she’d seen him the first night—disheveled, empty liquor glasses littering the table in front of him, his lap full of women.
She frowned into the mirror on the wall inside Sara’s office door and applied another coat of lipstick. It wouldn’t take long for a guy like Ben to get bored sitting around the house doing nothing. He didn’t just work hard, he worked long. One surgery could take several hours. He was used to being on his feet with his hands and, most especially his mind, engaged. His system would surely protest being physically and mentally idle.
She just hoped his hands were not staying busy on anyone. He needed a hobby she decided. Better yet a job.
“Jessica?”
Ben’s voice from down the hall made her sigh with relief.
She stepped into the hallway to greet him. “Hi.”
He looked great—shaved and brushed.
He wore jeans and a casual cotton shirt but it was clean and wrinkle-free. It certainly hadn’t been stripped off in haste and tossed onto the floor during a steamy sexual encounter recently.
Of course, he could have put on a new shirt and left the other shirt wadded on the floor.
He came to stand in front of her and Jess was glad he was there, even if it was late and no matter what he’d been doing on his way over. She also had the definite desire to make sure he was glad to be there.
She rose up, grasped the back of his head and kissed him.
His surprise lasted only milliseconds before his arms went around her and he pulled her up against him. The simple meeting of lips quickly became an erotic stroking of tongues mimicked by the way their hands stroked over shoulders, backs and buttocks.
“Don’t mind me,” a voice said.
Ben and Jessica pulled apart suddenly. Jessica somehow gathered enough sense to step back to let Sara into her office. She gave them each a grin, but passed without a word and sat behind her desk as if having people making out in her doorway was a completely normal occurrence.
Ben’s attention was immediately back on Jessica. “That was a hell of a greeting.”
She smiled widely. He didn’t smell—or taste—like smoke, alcohol, or perfume. “You taste like coffee.” And smelled like it. Not like he’d drunk a cup or two, but like he’d washed his clothes in it.
“I was at the coffee shop,” he said.
She rolled her eyes. That coffee shop. Could he really like coffee that much? Or get along with Dolly that well? Or was there another woman? A regular? “I’m glad you’re here now.”
“Did you think I wasn’t coming?”
”You’re late,” she pointed out.
He glanced at the clock over her shoulder. “A little,” he conceded.
“Twelve minutes.”
“Right…” Ben trailed off and glanced at Sara who pursed her lips and shook her head. “I’m late,” he finally agreed.
Jessica frowned at the wordless communication between the two. She felt compelled to defend herself. “Twelve minutes late in a trauma means someone dies.”
“But twelve minutes late in a coffee shop means that someone waits twelve minutes to drink coffee,” Ben said with a grin.
Jessica propped a hand on her hip. “You could go out of business pretty quickly with that attitude,” she said. “Making paying customers wait isn’t good service.”
“If I admit that you would make a better business owner than me, can we move on?” Ben asked.
Jessica thought she heard a little snort from where her sister was sitting at her desk but when Jessica glanced over, Sara’s head was bent over her paperwork.
“Move on to what?” Jessica asked.
“Anything else,” Ben said.
She definitely heard Sara snicker at that.
Jessica frowned at her.
Ben moved forward and cupped her face between his hands. “I get it. Twelve minutes matter to you. Duly noted.”
She shrugged. “But you think I’ve got OCD.”
Ben laughed. “I do not think you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder because you like to be punctual.” He leaned close enough to kiss her. “But I do think you need a few interruptions in your schedule and a few bad influences in your life.”
“And you’ll very happily be an interruption and a bad influence for me, I suppose?”
His gaze intensified. “Yeah,” he said huskily.
She wet her lips and had to take a deep breath before she could remember what they were talking about. Which was hard while he was still holding her, stroking his thumbs across the corners of her mouth. “And I should duly note that predictability is not a strength of yours?”
“Look at what I do for a living. There’s nothing predictable about it.”
“Don’t you want something stable in your life? To even the rest out?”
He lifted a hand and ran it from the crown to the base of her head. Then he pulled her forward until their lips nearly touched. “If I’m your bad influence, will you be my predictability?”
Ben watched Jess swallow hard and wondered if she was as struck as he was by how right that seemed. Ben had never had a lot of stability in his life. A missionary’s family moved a lot, sacrificed a lot, saw and learned a lot the hard way. The only thing predictable about the life of a missionary doctor and an ER surgeon was that there would always be more bodies to treat and patch up.
His mom had steadied him as much as anything could, but she was gone.
Looking at Jess now, Ben realized she was the definition of steady. Steady was what Jess did—for everyone. He suspected she’d become a nurse because she was drawn to the idea of being the rock for the victims in the ER, the calm eye at the center of the storm. She also seemed to want to be his rock. She wanted to steady him.
He needed that. He even wanted it. A little.
He also wanted to be the one who finally got to see Jessica uninhibited. She’d never truly let go. She’d never had a chance. She’d never experienced how exhilarating giving in to pure temptation could be.
Ben realized that it wasn’t exactly noble to want to tarnish her reputation so much. But the passion he’d already felt with her, the way she abandoned her usual restraint when they kissed, made him want it all. He felt sure she would give him her virginity if he pressed the issue.
Unfortunately, he suspected that in her lucid, non-hormone-influenced moments, she felt that a guy who mixed lattes for a living and—more to the point—turned his back on sick people who needed him, wasn’t quite worthy of being the one for whom she gave up her convictions.
In his own lucid moments, he agreed with her.
Which was screwing with his head.
Unable to deal with all of that at the moment—if ever—he gave her a quick kiss instead of the come-to-daddy kiss he knew she was expecting, then released her and stepped back.
“Where are th
e kids I’m supposed to be positively influencing?” Ben asked, clapping his hands together.
Jess blinked, seeming disoriented for a moment.
“Jess?” Ben snapped his fingers in front of her nose.
“What?”
“The kids?”
As expected, Jessica pulled herself together quickly. “They’re um…doing their homework in the dining room.”
Ben stared at her. “Homework?”
She put a hand on her hip. “You’ve heard of it?”
“Yeah, but,” He shrugged. “Don’t they come here for…fun too?”
“Yes.”
“But they’re studying?”
“Yes. They study, then play.”
He tipped his head to one side. “Gee, whose rule is that?”
Sara snickered again. Jess glared at her, then back at Ben.
“It’s a goal of ours to help them do their best at school. No one at home will hold them accountable, so we do. We have expectations. Homework will take them a lot further than being able to play foosball.”
“So it’s your rule,” Ben concluded.
“Surely you agree school is important. You’re a—”
“Doctor,” Ben finished for her. “Yeah, yeah. We’ve definitely established that.”
“It’s—”
But he interrupted again. “How long has this been the routine?”
“As long as we’ve been here.”
“What about mixing it up?”
“No,” she said firmly as Ben started down the hall. “These kids need stability and predictability. They don’t have enough of those in their lives.”
“What about spontaneity? I think we need to shake things up. And not just for the kids.” Ben pulled his cell phone from his pocket and stopped outside the door to the rec room. “You go on ahead,” he told her, holding the door open. “I’ll be right there.”
He grinned at the look on Jessica’s face. She was reluctant. She didn’t want to trust him. However, she stepped through the open door and allowed him to close it behind her as he put the cell phone to his ear.
She might not want to trust him. But she did.
Being worthy might not be that far out of reach after all.
Just Right: The Bradfords, Book 1 Page 15
