“Thanks, but the thing is, it’s not impossible. It’s just the chances are a lot better if I do it sooner than later, you know?”
“Wait, what are you suggesting?” Zach props himself up on one elbow and tilts his head as he stares into my eyes.
“What I’m saying is, I guess it’s more of a question really. I’d like to know if you guys will help me have a baby.”
19
Kelly
The room is completely silent. I’ve never been in a place that was absolutely void of noise before. Especially not a place with three people in it. For a second, I wonder if my hearing is working. It’s just that quiet. Then, all at once, I hear both guys blow out the breath they’ve been holding.
“Are you serious?” Desi locks me in his blue eyes as he searches my face for some kind of sign that I’m fucking with them.
“I am.” I don’t blink. I just wait. And wonder. Have I just ruined everything? Did I just scare away the two men who treasure me like I’m the only woman in the world?
“Really, Kelly? I mean, it’s a big thing to ask, isn’t it? We haven’t even known each other all that long.” Zach sits up and stares down at me in disbelief.
“I know. Trust me, I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t feel that kind of connection to you guys. I know it’s quick. I know it’s crazy. But, sometimes life is quick and fucking crazy and still right.”
“Sometimes the best moments in life happen because of a quick decision,” Desi agrees. “There’s no time limit on following your heart, Zach.”
“Well, I’d think it would be a bit longer than this.” Zach runs his hand through his black hair and then holds his palm against the back of his neck as he shakes his head.
“I didn’t mean to freak you out. I can see I did, though. It’s just, if I wait too long I might never have children.” I sit up and look down at my hands. I don’t want him to see my eyes mist over. “You don’t understand how much that means to me. To have a child of my own, it would be everything. I have so much love to give, Zach, my heart is bursting with it. And I know my life will never be complete without a baby to share that love with.” I sniffle and try to blink away my tears.
Desi sits up and wraps his arm around me. “How about we all just calm down a bit, okay?”
“Calm down? She asks me to help her father a child out of nowhere and I’m supposed to talk it over like we’re figuring out what toppings to order on a pizza? Come on, man. That’s not how any of this goes. Up until five minutes ago, none of us were even talking about this being long-term, now we’re just jumping into a conversation about kids? Nah, not right now. I need some air.” He slips out of bed.
Tears spill onto my cheeks as Zach hastily dresses. I bite my lip, hoping to keep the sobs building inside me locked down.
“Come on, Zach, just chill out and come back here. You don’t have to be a dick about it,” Desi calls out, but he walks away. I listen to the shuffle of his shoes and then the next noise is the click of the door as he leaves the house.
I can’t hold back my anguish anymore. It travels up inside me like the tiny bubbles in our champagne glasses earlier. I choke on my sadness and break down into tears.
“Shhh, hey, don’t cry.” Desi holds me against his chest. “Zach is just being an ass. He’ll come around. Don’t let this get you down, okay?” He scoops up my chin in his bent finger and I can see sympathy and concern in his eyes.
“I… I didn’t mean to ruin everything,” I sob. “I was just trying to be honest. You know?”
“I know. It’s okay, babe.” He holds me tight. As my cries turn to sniffles, he holds me. As my sniffles subside and my eyes dry up, he holds me. He never falters. He just patiently waits for me to feel it all.
“What should I do?” I look up at him.
“About Zach?”
“Yeah.”
“Nothing. He’ll come to his senses. I wouldn’t be surprised if he apologizes after he’s had some time to think.” Desi’s hands are still on my arms. He looks down at me, frowning.
“Are you upset with me too?” I study the wrinkle in his brow and wonder just how badly I’ve fucked everything up.
“Upset? No, not at all.” He meets my eyes and I can see nothing but sincerity in the brilliant blue. “I was just thinking over what you said, that’s all.”
“And, what are you thinking?”
“Kelly, I know it’s fast, okay? But, I would love to give you a baby. I really would. I’m ready to settle down and have kids. You know, ever since I lost my brother, I always wanted a big family. Just tons of kids running around, being crazy. I’ve always wanted to watch them grow and be there for each other. The same way Kayden and I were always there for each other.”
Now I’m the one frowning, down at my hands. “But what about Zach?”
“I don’t know what he wants, but I do know only one of us can get you pregnant. I want to be the one who does. I want to father your kids,” he continues.
“I want that too, but I want both of you involved. If we’re really going to make this a permanent relationship, I wouldn’t want to start it off trying to have a baby with only one of you. I’d like to try to make this work with all three of us.”
“I’d like that too, to be honest.” Desi smiles.
“Desi? What if I can’t give you the big family you’ve always dreamed of? What if I can only have one or two children?” I search his face.
“Any children with you would be a blessing, Kelly. There’s no other woman on this earth I want to share that with but you. Whatever is meant to be will happen.”
We lie back down and I nuzzle into Desi’s strong arms, the knot in my stomach almost untied. Now I just need to find out what Zach wants. From the way he stormed out of here, it’s hard to imagine he’s on the same page as us. Still, I won’t make any decisions until I’ve had a chance to talk it out with him.
20
Zach
Of course it’s raining out. Why wouldn’t it be? I pound the pavement on the sidewalk in long strides. I’m not running away.
Not exactly.
More like speed walking. Drops of water splash my face and drip down the back of my neck.
I’m not angry. I’m just surprised. I’ve never even thought about fatherhood before. Not for real. Sure, in that passing, “someday I’ll make a great dad,” kind of thought that occasionally flits through my mind. But not in a concrete, “let’s make a baby” sort of way.
I mean, up until I met Kelly I still had never even been in a relationship where I genuinely cared for the girl. I mean, I’ve had attractions. I’ve been close with some of them. Never in my life have I…
“Been in love.”
I stop dead in my tracks. It’s like someone just sucker punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me. My eyes become unfocused and wander as the realization hits me like a ton of bricks.
“I’m in love with her,” I whisper.
The road is vacant right now. Not too many people decided that taking brisk walks in the cold rain sounded like fun. Lucky for them, because if they saw me right now, staring with wide eyes and my jaw slack in the downpour talking to myself, well, the guys I know down at the police station might have gotten a call about me.
All of a sudden, I feel like a missing puzzle piece from my life has been snapped down into place and a picture of my future that never made sense before is crystal clear. No woman has ever made me laugh like Kelly. Or kept my interest like her. Or driven me as wild as her. The list is as infinite as our emotions. For every single thing you expect to feel with someone, I feel it deeper and more powerfully with her.
“I owe her an apology.” I turn on my heel and start to run down the glistening street. The street lights dance in the puddles, making the world look shiny and new.
Kelly is right. She does have so much love to give. Enough that she’s given it to both Desi and me and neither of us has ever felt left out. She’s a bottomless well of caring and support. And if that isn’t someone who wou
ld make a great mother, then I don’t know who would be.
That is, if she’ll still have me as the father of her children. If she’ll have us both.
My feet beat the concrete and my lungs burn as I close the distance between me and her house. I need to let her know how wrong I was. To tell her she’s the only one I’ve ever felt this way about. Most of all I need to say I’m sorry. Sorry I let my fears get the best of me. Sorry I made her cry. I’m almost at her door. I only hope I’m not too late.
Wee-ahh! Wee-ahh!
Damn it! I stop and stare at the flashing lights in the station. Grady is standing just inside the bay doors, yelling at everyone to get their asses in gear. He suddenly stops and turns, zeroing in on me.
“Peterson!” he barks out my last name. “We need all hands on this one. Even the guys on call, get in here and get your gear on. There’s an out of control fire at one of the old apartment buildings down on York Street!”
Shit. Those things have been run down tinder boxes for years now. The city has tried unsuccessfully to shut them down, but with so many low-income families living there and nowhere else for them to go, they have never won that battle.
“Got it, Chief.” I jump into action. As I run inside the firehouse, Desi races in behind me. We both scramble to get our bunker gear on and clamor onto the truck.
The sirens blare and the lights reflect off all the rain and make everything look a deep shade of red. It’s not time to think about babies or apologies right now. The only thing I can concentrate on is helping to get this fire under control and saving lives.
21
Desmond
The flames are bursting up through the upper windows like they’re trying to scorch the night sky. We’ve been clearing the building floor by floor. The truck with the extension ladder is parked underneath the complex and it’s been busy with a stream of families making their way to safety. It’s by sheer luck that this old, run-down building is only eight stories high. If it was much taller, evacuating people would have been next to impossible.
Zach and I are on the sixth floor, trying to put a dent in the raging blaze that’s rippling over the walls. It’s crazy how when fires get out of control like this one, they ripple over the surfaces and make it almost look like a waterfall of flames.
“We’ve got to go,” Zach yells at me over his breathing apparatus. “It’s gonna collapse.” He points to the orange inferno creeping around us. It leaps across the ceiling and engulfs the room with searing heat.
He’s right. There’s nothing we can do when it gets this out of control. All we can do is save the residents, then save ourselves. Once we get outside, we’ll do what we can to contain the burn and keep it from hopping to other buildings in the area. But this apartment won’t be fit for anything except demolition.
“Let’s go,” I yell in agreement over my face mask and turn to leave.
Zach pulls back the hose. I reach forward to help him when I hear a loud crack. It almost sounds like a tree being struck by a lightning bolt, but I know that’s not what the noise is. A flaming beam lands over my shoulders and drops me flat on my stomach, pinning me to the floor.
“Fuck. Help! Oh shit,” I bellow, terrified of the flames flickering even closer to my face. Protective gear will only take you so far. Eventually, given enough heat, everything melts. Even us.
“Don’t panic, man. I got you.” Zach radios for backup and then opens the hose on the beam. He manages to get the fire out and soaks me down so my suit won’t melt to my skin, but with this room being consumed, it’s only a matter of time until he has to leave me here.
He drops the hose and tries to move the beam, but it doesn’t budge. A splitting pain is searing through my shoulder, but when I wiggle my toes, I can feel them move in my boots. “I don’t think there’s any damage to my spine,” I call out over the roar of the fire to my fire team partner. My best friend.
“Good, so we just need to get this off you and it’ll be no problem getting you out of here.” Zach lunges through the acrid smoke and tries again to move the wood.
“You can’t stay in here!” I try to look up at him. “The smoke is getting too heavy. If the fire doesn’t kill you, that will.” I know he’s burning through his oxygen tank quickly every time he tries to shove this smoldering beam off my back. It’s only a matter of time until he’s breathing in toxic fumes. “You gotta go. Leave me.” My eyes grow hazy and my vision doubles. I’m sick to my stomach and weak. As the light in this room seems to narrow down, I know I’m a goner.
“Fuck that! I’m not leaving you here. I refuse. Now stop talking like that and see if there’s any way we can put our brains together and figure out how to move this thing.” He points to the beam.
“I can’t do shit. I’m pinned down.” I can see the fire creeping closer and the smoke is filling the space. It’s burning my eyes now, the thick black cloud closing in on us.
“Help will be here soon,” he tries to reassure me.
“You need to get the fuck outta here, Zach. Don’t make Kelly lose us both. She’ll never get over it, you stubborn ass. Please, man, you gotta go. You gotta promise me you’ll take care of her.” I cough on the smoke and it burns a trail down my throat.
“Don’t talk like that!” Zach shakes his head. The flames are surrounding him, but he doesn’t look scared. He looks determined. “We’re both gonna be there for her. And for our kids,” he adds.
I can’t help but grin. “Does that mean…?”
“Yeah, Desi. You gotta get out of here alive, man. Hang on, okay? Because we’re all in this together. You and I are gonna make great fathers, got it?”
“Got it.” I grit my teeth and try to stay conscious.
The backup finally burst into the wild blaze and sprays down the fire enough to get across the room to us.
I hear them barking “One, two, three, heave!” And the pressure of the beam lifts from my shoulders. I try to keep it together, but the tunnel keeps closing down. The black at the corners of my vision just grows and takes over. The last thing I feel is the guys lifting me up and dragging me across the floor, but then my head falls forward and my entire world fades to black.
22
Kelly
Bang-bang-bang!
I spring up in bed and grab my cell phone. What time is it? The digital readout tells me it’s almost two in the morning. Who the hell would be thumping on my door at this hour?
I quietly ease out of bed and slip into my silk robe. I peer out my window and see Zach standing on my doorstep.
Where is Desi?
My footsteps are heavier now as I rush to open the front door. He must be here to talk to me about walking out of here earlier. My mind races with a million thoughts per second. Does he want to walk away for good? Does he want to have children with me? Have I damaged everything beyond repair? My heart beats quick and my ears rush with blood. A tremble runs through my hand as I reach out to grab the door handle. I’m more nervous now than when I asked the guys about having a baby.
Finally, I find the courage to unlock the door and open it. With a smile pasted to my face, I try to hide my swirling emotions and look friendly.
“Zach, did you want to come in and talk?”
“No, there’s no time, babe. I know we’ve got a lot to talk about, but right now I need you to get dressed and hurry.”
I blink hard and take a second look at him. Zach’s face has ash smeared across his cheeks. There’s a distinct line across his forehead where his helmet was pressed into his head. It almost looks like a welt. My eyes travel down his dirty body to his firefighting pants. The bright strip around the ankle reflects the light from my house.
“What’s going on? Where’s Desi?” I look over his shoulder and squint into the dark night. My stomach does a flip as I start putting this together.
“He’s in the hospital. He got hurt at the fire and was taken away in an ambulance. I want us to go down there and check in on him, but we’ve gotta get going,” Zach
urges me.
“He’s hurt?” All my thoughts freeze. Every worry I’ve been carrying about babies and relationships all instantly disappear. The only thing I can think about is finding clothes and my purse so I can get to Desi as quickly as possible.
“Come in, give me a couple minutes.” I leave the door hanging open and run back to my room. Flinging my dresser drawers open, I don’t even care what clothes I’m yanking out and tugging onto my body. A pair of red, plaid pants and a shirt with a giant kitten wearing sunglasses on the front? Sure. Who the fuck cares. I certainly don’t. There’s not even time to put on a bra, something I never leave the house without doing. Again, I don’t care. All I want to do is get to the hospital and throw my arms around Desi.
I don’t even know how badly he’s hurt. Did he get burned? Is he conscious? I have no idea. I’m a little tornado as I spin around my room getting myself clothed enough to head out the door. I slip my feet into some sandals and shuffle quickly back to where I left Zach at the door.
“Ready?” I can see it, there’s concern flickering in his eyes. He’s just as worried as I am, he’s just better at hiding it.
“As I’ll ever be.” I scoop my purse off my chair and pull a jacket out of the front hall closet. “Let’s go.”
23
Zach
The brakes squeal as I stop the car short and throw it into park in the first vacant space I can find. I told Kelly what happened at the fire, how Desi got pinned and then lost consciousness.
She kept asking me if he’s okay. I told her he would be, but the truth is, I don’t know. I’m no doctor, and I don’t have X-ray vision. There’s no way of knowing if Desi’s body is broken or if he’s going to walk away lucky.
Shared by the Firefighters: An MFM Firefighter Novella Page 8
