“She works in finance.” It’s not a lie. Selling people is technically working with finances. Just disgusting and morally repugnant finances.
“Wow, guess I should’ve gone to college after all. This place is swanky. And all this time I was feeling sorry for you, thinking you were holed up in some kind of homemade Git-mo. Turns out you’ve been living the high life the whole time,” she teases me.
I know she doesn’t mean anything by it, she’s just making her usual jokes, but I’m already on edge from my bold decision to even have her over. So a smile is the furthest thing from my lips right now. Taking a deep breath, I push down the wave of panic that just swelled up inside me.
“Looks can be deceiving.” I shrug, not really wanting to get into it much more than that.
Suddenly, just being out in the open, in Sylvia and Raymond’s space, I feel too vulnerable. I can imagine too many things somehow getting broken, or spilling wine on something I would never be able to pay for in a million years. My nerves shrivel up as my skin crawls with fear and I grab Julianna by the arm and lead her to my quarters.
“Come on, let’s hang out in my room.” I tug her along behind me.
“Uh, okay, sure. Do you have a corkscrew in there?” She’s definitely got her priorities set. And drinks seem to be taking up the number one spot.
“No.” I fling the door to my bedroom open. It’s a humble space with only a bed and a dresser inside. Even though it’s the smallest room in this house, it’s still more than I had in Colombia. Besides, I don’t need a huge space to put my modest belongings or to fall asleep in.
“Here, make yourself at home. I’ll grab us some glasses and an opener.” I sweep my hand across the simple space as if I’m introducing her into a vast home instead of a tiny room that isn’t much bigger than a walk-in closet.
Julianna doesn’t hesitate to saunter in. I quickly make my way to the kitchen to grab the things we need. When I pop back in the room, I can see she’s laid the wine bottles down and is holding one of my Harlequin romance novels curiously in her hand. I would think she’d have some level of embarrassment to be caught rifling through my belongings, especially since I know I kept that book under my bed. But no, if she’s ashamed at all, it’s impossible to tell from the giant smile on her face.
“What is this?” She shakes the book at me like she just heard the punchline to a crazy joke.
“It’s a book,” I answer matter-of-factly and pluck it free from her hand. I put it down on my dresser along with the wine glasses and opener. “And I’d thank you not to go snooping through my stuff, Julianna,” I sniff.
“Oh, don’t be like that. I didn’t mean any harm by it.” She joins me by the dresser and picks up the bottle opener, screwing it down into the cork. “I just didn’t know anyone our age reads those things, that’s all. My mom used to read them all the time. It surprised me to see it in here.”
Pop!
She yanks the plug free from the bottle and fills both of our wine glasses up high with the red, fragrant liquid. I don’t bother calling her out on the fact that she wouldn’t have known about my books at all if she hadn’t been sticking her nose where it didn’t belong. Instead, I decide to let it go and try to enjoy the moment. It’s not like she’s making fun of me or anything.
“To girl’s night.” Julianna holds up her glass and I clink the edge of mine against it.
We both take a long sip and the wine is surprisingly smooth as it coats my tongue and splashes down my throat. Almost instantly, heat spreads out over my cheeks, eager to tattle to the world that I’ve had a taste of liquor. This is exactly why I don’t bother sneaking any out of Sylvia’s collection. She has more than enough that she’d never notice it missing, but my instantly flushed cheeks would tell on me right away.
“That’s really good.” I take another drink and can’t believe there’s already a tingling sensation in my head. Wow, I better take it slow before I end up doing something stupid.
Well, something stupider, that is.
“I’m glad you like it.” Julianna takes a seat on my bed and maneuvers one of my pillows behind her back like a little chair. “So, what’s the deal with the romance books? Shouldn’t you be out at the clubs picking up your own sexy man rather than reading about them in some book?” She pries.
I sit down on the edge of my bed and swirl my wine glass, watching the dark drink slosh around like I might find the perfect answer to give her in there. How can I possibly explain that I’ll never have that life? I don’t want to get into my status and I’d rather not tell her too many details about this arrangement with Sylvia. And I’m definitely not going to get into how I left my country as a teen virgin and how that never changed.
“I just don’t like that whole scene,” I finally answer her. “I’m not looking for a hook-up,” I confess. “I want romance. But romance takes time, and that’s something I don’t have much of. I just have to accept that the only romances I’ll be getting are the ones written between the covers of a book.” I take another long sip, hoping the warm trail of wine will drown out my sorrows.
“What? That’s crazy talk.” Julianna sits up straight and places her glass down on the nightstand next to my bed. “This is the modern age, Ella. If you want to go out and have magical, romantic nights, you can do that. Easily too.” She reaches inside her bra and pulls out her cell phone. “I know you’ve got one of these, so you must be on Tinder, right?”
“Tinder?” I crinkle up my nose as I repeat the word. “No, I’m not on anything like that,” I admit.
I bite my tongue before a confession spills off of it. I can’t tell Julianna that the phone I have is just a wireless chain for Sylvia to yank on whenever she needs me. Explaining about how she regularly goes through it, inspecting the messages, would definitely create more questions than I want to answer.
“Really, but it’s perfect for you,” she insists, opening her screen with her password. She hits the app and turns her phone toward me. “Look, you just set up your profile and you get to choose what guy you go out on a date with. If it’s a match, you have a little chat with him to sort out the details, and boom, you can have all the romance you want, whenever it’s convenient for you.” She tries to sell me on it.
I stare at her screen and find myself wondering if this could be the perfect solution for someone like me. I don’t have any delusions that it’s going to lead me into the arms of my future husband or anything, but it could let me get out and experience some dates on rare occasions when Sylvia isn’t around.
“I don’t know, it looks hard to set up.” I twist up my lips as I imagine myself trying to figure out my profile.
“No way, it’s so easy,” she insists. “You just open the app with your Facebook profile and, easy-peasy, you’re good to go.”
“I, uh, don’t have a Facebook profile,” I admit. “And I don’t really want to set one up either.” I start to shut down this whole idea. I know it’s not going to work out for me.
“Why? You know you can activate and deactivate it whenever, right? Here, let me help you set it up and if you don’t like the app, we’ll shut it all back down tonight. I’ll completely delete the apps from your phone, I promise. But, what if you find someone you really like on there? Or, oh, what if you find a romantic match? You’ll never know if you don’t try.” Julianna lifts her glass and takes another huge gulp.
She’s right, it doesn’t sound like I really have anything to lose by setting it up. I stand up suddenly and walk the couple steps across my room to my dresser, plucking my cell from it and bringing it over. “Okay, I’ll give it a shot.” I smile, holding it out to her. “But you have to show me how to get rid of it, all right?”
“Deal.” She grabs the phone from my hand with a smile and gets to work.
5 | Jackson
“Ahhh, but, Daddy, I’m not even tired.” Chloe rubs her eyes and stamps her foot at the same time.
This is the nightly routine. I tell her she’s got to hit t
he hay and she whines, trying to convince me that I’m wrong. It never works, and yet, she tries. Every. Single. Night.
“Chloe, come on, hon. Don’t you want to grow up to be a big, strong girl? You need to get some sleep to do that, right?” I go into my regular explanation about the importance of resting your body. Even I’m tired of hearing it at this point.
“Daddy, you silly-billy, I am a big girl. I can even turn on the lights all by myself.” She puffs up her little chest proudly. Reaching the soaring heights of three and a half feet has really gone to her head.
I smile down at her. In a way, I’m happy she’s a willful child. I know firsthand how unforgiving and cruel the world can be. I hope Chloe will never learn anything about that side of life, about that darkness. However, I know I can’t control her world forever. Next year, she’ll be off to kindergarten, and then she’ll be making more and more decisions without my input. Small ones at first, like if she should drink that extra chocolate milk or not. However, the time will morph, and before I know it, she’ll be an independent teenager dealing with mean girls, parties, and the biggest fear of all...boys. It’s then that I hope this fire in her belly serves her well. I hope by then she hasn’t lost her edge and that she isn’t afraid to stand up for herself in any situation.
At least, that’s what I tell myself when she’s stubbornly stomping her feet and refusing to go to bed anyway.
“Hey, Chloe,” Ryan interrupts our power struggle.
“Uh, yeah?” she answers uncertainly. She’s not used to having another man in the house with us. While she’s not afraid of Ryan, she’s a little nervous around him.
“I’ll tell ya what. How about I do an extra special magic trick for you? Would you like that?” He leans forward.
Chloe looks up at me and then over at Ryan, nodding her head emphatically.
“All right, it’ll take me a second to set up. But, there’s just one catch.” “You have to go to bed right after, okay?”
My daughter tilts her head and mulls it over for a second. Like she’s not sure if this offer is going to be worth her time or not. She tugs on her lip, something she only does when she’s deep in thought, then smiles up at him. “Okay.”
“Hey, man, do you have a black marker?” Ryan shifts his gaze to me and stands up.
“Uh, let me check.” I walk into the kitchen and shuffle through the drawer that ends up being a magnet for all my junk. Sure enough, there’s a sharpie crammed in amongst the pile of stuff.
I go back into the living room and hand it off to Ryan like a mini-baton in a relay race. He pops the cap and turns his back on us for a second, hunching his shoulders to obstruct our view.
“No peeking!” he calls out, but neither of us would dream of it. Chloe is very interested in what the trick is going to be. I have to admit, he’s got my interest too.
“Okay, all ready.” Ryan caps the marker and shoves it in his pocket. I can see he’s drawn a little circle around the tips of each of his middle fingers. “Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls of all ages. Please take a seat here and be prepared to enjoy the magic,” Ryan directs us to the couch as Chloe giggles.
“He’s silly.” She grins.
“He sure is,” I agree, taking a seat beside her.
Ryan stands before us with both of his hands behind his back and dramatically pauses. “Tonight’s show is called Two Little Blackbirds,” he announces and holds out the middle fingers on each hand with the black drawn onto them.
“Ohhh.” Chloe is already impressed.
“Two little blackbirds are sitting on a wall.” Ryan holds up his closed fists to us. “One named Peter and one named Paul.” Up go his middle fingers. “Fly away, Peter.” He taps his fists together and drops his one middle finger, lifting his unmarked ring finger up instead. “Fly away, Paul.” He quickly does the same thing on the other hand.
Chloe watches intently, but I don’t think she caught the sleight of hand. Her mouth opens a little as she sees true magic through her child eyes.
“Come back, Peter.” Ryan smacks his fists together again and switches back to his marked middle finger. “And come back Paul.” He brings back his other marked finger while hiding his ring finger.
“Wow.” Chloe gapes at me with wide eyes. “Did you see that?”
“I did.”
“That was so cool! Can you do it again, Ryan? Pleeeease?” She twists her hands together in excitement.
“Tomorrow night I’ll have another magic show, but that’s it for tonight.” He smiles.
“Now you know you promised to go to bed after, right? So let’s go get your butt to bed.” I hold my hand on her back, urging her to move without any more stalling.
“Oh, okay. But I can have another magic show tomorrow, right? Promise?”
“I promise.” He nods solemnly.
I lead Chloe down to the bathroom and we get her teeth brushed. Getting her to bed is still a journey even when she’s not being uncooperative. I tuck her into bed, read her Goodnight Moon, and give her a kiss on the forehead.
“Sweet dreams, Daddy,” she calls out before tugging her blankets up to her chin and snuggling in for the night.
“Sweet dreams, sweetheart.” I smile and turn off the light.
Back in the living room, I can see that Ryan has started helping himself to the liquor. It’s not like I mind. I don’t even keep any in the house anymore. I only bought some rum because I knew he was coming to see us.
“Thanks for that. You cut at least twenty minutes off the normal routine,” I admit and sink down into the chair next to the sofa.
“No worries. My grandfather used to do that trick for us as kids. I really liked it. I’m just glad I didn’t mess it up.” He takes a long drink. “Speaking of magic, where did all the single ladies in Denver disappear to? I’ve got a, uh, magic wand I’d like to introduce them to.” He chuckles at his own joke and then empties his glass in one long gulp.
“Honestly, I’m not going to be much help on that one,” I admit. “I haven’t been out since I left the SEALs. Well, since they discharged me.” I taste the bitterness on my tongue still, even after all this time.
“No.” He looks at me from the corner of his blue eyes. “No fucking way.” He shakes his head in disbelief.
“It’s true.”
“What? Why are you living like a monk, man? You gotta get out there, have some fun! Spread your wild oats and all that shit.” He gets up and makes himself another drink.
“I dunno. I think I’m just done with that part of my life now. I’ve got Chloe and responsibilities now. Not all of us can just drive across the country, partying it up and chasing pussy in every state.” I laugh.
“Not every state,” he answers as he walks back in the room with two drinks this time, handing one over to me.
I take a tiny sip but have no real interest in getting drunk tonight. I don’t want to be out of it in case Chloe needs me for anything. It’s something I can never really explain to a wild man like Ryan, but children change you. Or at least, they should. And I have no regrets or lingering longing for my old life. Especially not when I remember where my old life led me to.
“Look, buddy, while I’m here, let me babysit the little rugrat and get out and have some fun. Just go on a date. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Give me your phone.” He holds out his hand expectantly and for some reason I hand it over to him.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking for your Tinder app.” He sinks back down into the sofa and swipes my screen, searching.
“I’m not on Tinder,” I answer flatly.
Ryan sighs dramatically and rolls his eyes. “Okay then, step one: get on Tinder.” He messes around with my phone and pushes some buttons. “Done.”
“Hey, I don’t think I want to be on there. It’s not my style, man.” I try to reach for my phone, but Ryan pulls it in tight to his chest.
“Step two: swipe right for a match. Done.”
“What the fuck are you d
oing?” I wrench the phone from his hand.
“Whatever, just swipe right on every chick on there, got it? Then, eventually you’ll get a match. Talk to her, arrange a date, and voila, you’re back in the game,” he announces.
I don’t think I want to be back in the game. At least not like he means. Just trying to get laid as much as possible with no strings attached. If I did go out on a date, I’d be looking for something more. Something meaningful. Someone who was ready to take on Chloe and me. Not just a lay.
An orange dot next to the woman Ryan randomly swiped right on draws my attention to the screen. She’s stunning. I know he didn’t even check her face when he selected her, but she’s breathtakingly beautiful. I can’t stop staring at her picture.
At her.
“What’s up?” Ryan juts out his jaw at me.
“Nothing. It says ‘matched’ and I’m just looking at the woman. She’s… wow,” I answer.
“Wait, it says you matched up? Really? What are the fucking chances of that, man? Guess what? You’re going on a date.” He grins.
“Uh, well.” I don’t really want to argue. After perusing the woman, her gorgeous honey skin and brown eyes, she looks like a real person. A wholesome girl I would genuinely like to get to know, and not just the way Ryan was thinking.
“Do it, man. I’ll babysit the kid. Go out and have a night of fun for once!” He holds up his glass like he’s expecting me to clink mine against it and then shrugs, gulping it down.
“Okay, I’ll talk to her and see how it goes,” I agree. “But one thing is one hundred percent not happening.”
“What’s that?”
“You are definitely not babysitting Chloe. If”—I squint at the screen and read the woman’s name—“Ella and I go out, I’ll have my mom over.” I laugh.
“Sure, sure, whatever. So, what are you waiting for? Talk to her!”
Shared by the Firefighters: An MFM Firefighter Novella Page 28
