Zurra looked out at the flower. “That’s such a terrible way to look at life.”
A speck of dirt fell on Gerald’s eyeball, but he ignored it. “No, it’s the true way to look at life. I’ve just been too blind to see it until now. Life is cruelty, and the more cruel we are, the more alive we are. That is the way the universe was designed.”
Gerald sat up, and turned a hateful eye to the sky. “And so, if the universe is cruel, I blame the designer! I blame whoever created this pit of despair and misery and cast us all into it to see which of us would climb to the top of a mound of corpses to prove ourselves the most cruel, the most alive. I want nothing more to do with this universe. Whoever made this trench of death should be taken down and overthrown!”
Gerald shook the blood from his hand and reached out for the lotus blossom.
“What are you doing?” Kalia asked.
“I’m going to take out my oaths.”
“But...”
“Yes, I know. I’ll do it anyway, even if it is just for me. Even if it’s just by myself on a bench. They can’t take that from me.”
The water pump ruptured, spraying liquid everywhere. The hose whipped out, snapping down against the lotus and crushing it flat.
The three of them looked on in shock. Gerald’s cut and bruised hand was still extended out. The lotus was pulverized.
“Oh no,” Zurra said, covering her mouth.
Fresh tears ran down Gerald’s face. His hand fell limply to the ground.
“Have you ever thought how small I must be?” he asked aloud. “Compared to the vastness of the universe, what am I? I’m nothing. A speck on a speck, on a speck.”
He looked at the dead plant. “All I wanted to do was grow a flower, and place it on a bench. Who am I? I’m nothing. I’m nobody. And yet, the universe sees fit to come down here and crush my one little hope, squash my one little desire, just out of spite. Would it really have mattered? Would it really have hurt the balance of the cosmos just to let me have this one thing?”
Gerald dropped his head into his hand. “All I wanted was to grow a flower and place it on a bench...”
Zurra wrapped her arms around him and let his head rest against her shoulder. “Geri, I want you to know that, even after everything that has happened, I still love you.”
Gerald looked up at the dead lotus. “You shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it.”
He closed his eyes. “I wish I was never born.”
* * *
Gerald hadn’t left his cell for days. Supposedly it was his room, but the bars, the forcefields, the armed guards and the alarms told a different story.
Ilrica breathed deeply and showed her ID to the guards. They nodded and the door slid open. Kalia was on the other side, keeping watch over him.
Ilrica walked in. Gerald was sitting in the corner. He hadn’t showered, he hadn’t eaten. He was as filthy as he felt, his stomach as empty as his heart.
“Kana’ssshyta’rya no’ iba kla Aatuu,” Ilrica said, laying a piece of meat at Gerald’s feet.
He looked at it with a detached expression, as if he couldn’t quite remember what it was or what it meant.
“Do you believe in Parmah?” he asked.
“Never met him.”
“It’s not a person, it’s a word. It doesn’t really have a translation from the old Stolleckian tongue. It means a lot of things. Destiny, fate, purpose, design, specialization.”
Ilrica sat down next to him. “You’re asking me if I think I was born with a purpose?”
“Yes,” he answered weakly.
Ilrica leaned back and thought. “No. I guess I don’t. I make my own purpose. Life is essentially meaningless, until I imbue it with meaning.”
“That must be nice.”
Her ears perked up. “What must?”
“To believe that you have so much control. To believe that you are the master of your own fate. That must be so comforting.”
Her tail swished. “What do you mean?”
Gerald lifted up his ruined hand and stared at it. “Some people experience pain because they don’t know what their purpose is. But I think the reason we are not told our destiny is because knowing is a million times more painful.”
Ilrica reached out and put her arm around him sympathetically.
“I know what my fate is now,” he whispered. “I know the reason why I exist. I know why Gerald Dyson was born.”
“Why is that?”
“To suffer.”
Ilrica nodded. “It does seem like we all have our own trials this time around. Even those of us who paid enough to be immune.”
“That is my point. What would you call a universe that creates life that exists only to kill and be killed? Would you call such a thing wondrous? Worthy of praise? Worthy of worship?”
Ilrica leaned back. “I wouldn’t. But I’m sure there are some people out there who would point out that what you say borders on blasphemy.”
Gerald chuckled dryly. “So is that how it works? I’m to simply accept my bowl of venom with a smile on my face, and if I dare to disagree or complain, or even question it, I’ll be punished even more?”
Gerald picked at his ruined fingernails. “Do I have no say in the matter? Is my own will so insignificant? So meaningless that I’m to be beaten and lashed if I ever use it? And if that is the case, then why even give me a free will to begin with? What’s the point?”
Ilrica gave him a kiss on the cheek and stood up. “You know me. I’m not good at emotional stuff. But I do want you to know that I’ve made a decision.”
“What’s that?”
She stopped and looked back over her shoulder. “That I will still stand by you, Aatuu.”
* * *
Trahzi couldn’t stand it any longer. She ported into Gerald’s room directly, surprising Kalia as she stood watch at the door. The room was littered with candy wrappers, soda bottles, sweet cream cups, discarded boxes, and bits of moldy food.
Gerald sat at the center of that heap of filth, but even it seemed clean next to him. He was covered with grime from head to toe. He fidgeted with the True-life helmet he wore, trying to get the straps adjusted.
“Gerald, what are you doing?” she asked, concerned.
“Oh, hi Trahzi,” he said, his speech a little slurry, his face covered with food residue.
“You should not play that game. It is very addictive to humans.”
Gerald peeled it off and looked at her stupidly. “No, you’ve got it all wrong. Don’t you see? I’m free. It literally doesn’t matter how I live my life anymore. It doesn’t matter what choices I make. The result will be the same. I’m going to be punished every second of every day for the next hundred thousand lifetimes. Heck, I could even kill myself and it wouldn’t change a thing. The balance will just follow me to the next life. It might even add to my sentence.”
Trahzi placed her hand over her heart. “Gerald...”
“There’s no one here by that name,” he said angrily. “There never was a man named Gerald Dyson.”
“Yes there was. He used to be the man who betrayed and manipulated the Trahzi, who used them to commit a great evil. But he is also the man who taught me about love, he taught me about selflessness, he taught me about Vashrya, and I believed his words.”
Gerald shook his head angrily. “No, what you see before you is just a bag of lusts and thirst, a thing called a human, a thing designed and created only to eat everything in sight and breed with everything it can, nothing more.”
Gerald placed the helmet in his lap, his eyes sad.
“But... for a time... that pitiful little thing turned its eyes to the cold stars, and dreamed about being free.”
He looked up, his face pained. “And for daring to dream such a thing. For having the hubris, the unmitigated GALL to even THINK about being free, that pitiful little thing will be punished for eternity.”
Gerald put the helmet back on. “I’m sorry that you were misled. Don’t bother forgiving me
, though. The universe says I don’t deserve it.”
Trahzi watched him with pain in her eyes as he powered up the helmet.
“My mom was right about one thing,” Gerald said. “Life is a terrible game. You can’t win, so why play it?”
Trahzi couldn’t bear seeing him like this anymore. She turned around to leave.
“For what it’s worth,” she said. “I still believe in Vashrya. And I still believe in you.”
* * *
Gerald stepped out of the shower, but he didn’t feel any cleaner. Even Kalia had begun to complain about the smell, and she could turn her senses off.
Gerald looked down. He had rubbed his skin raw, but he didn’t feel any different. There was no cure for what he had. No medicine or balm.
He threw on the waiting fresh pair of prison clothes. That was a little barb from Nathers. A little reminder of what this “special security protection measure” really was.
He stepped out from the bathroom into his cell. Somehow Kalia had managed to clean it while he was in the shower. It was impressive really, considering the amount of residue there had been. She was probably on her way to the incinerator laiden with trash bags.
Gerald picked up his True-Life helmet. With any luck he could hit level twenty before nightfall.
You still haven’t given me an answer, Cha’Rolette said from the doorway.
Gerald didn’t respond. He only stood there with empty eyes, water dripping from the tips of his hair.
She floated over to him. It’s not polite to keep a lady waiting.
Gerald opened his mouth. He had been dreading this. “Duchess...”
She shook her head. No, do not call me Duchess anymore. Everyone else calls me Duchess. You will call me by my first name.
“Okay. Cha’Rolette...”
That pleased her greatly. Thank you.
“Cha’Rolette, I want you to be happy. I want you to live a long life filled with family, and laughter and peace. I want you to be with a man who deserves you. A man who is your equal in every way, who treats you like you deserve, and who you adore in return. A man who can protect you. A man who can bring honor to you and your house. I want your life to be as extraordinary as you are, as wonderful as you are, and as good as you are.”
He shuffled past her and sat down on the bed while the guards reattached his shackles.
Cha’Rolette was impressed. You know. That is possibly the most positive way I have ever seen someone turn down a proposal.
The guards walked out. Kalia took a post out in the hall and the door slid shut. Cha’Rolette spun around to face him. You are turning me down, aren’t you?
“I can never be those things for you, Cha’Rolette.” He held up his shackles. “Look at me.”
Her expression became soft. I am looking at you, Gerald.
“Then you need to look harder. I am a war criminal. In my past life, I committed unspeakable acts.”
She sat down next to him. I am a mafia heiress. Do you think you can scare me off with a little blood?
Gerald closed his eyes wearily. “This is not a little blood. This is an ocean of blood. This is so much blood there isn’t even a name for it. I bring dread and misfortune everywhere I go.”
She placed her hand on his. There are very few things a few million credits cannot fix.
“I break everything I touch.”
I’ll buy new things. I like to shop anyway. It’s therapeutic.
“Half the galaxy wants me shot, the other half wants me hung. People will be coming for me. Strong people. Violent people.”
She reached out and touched his cheek with her soft delicate hands. Before they came for you, those same people were sent after my father, and he’s still around. When I’m the head of the family, I’ll have the best security money can buy. And so will you.
Gerald closed his eyes, savoring her touch. Slowly he reached up and touched her ta’atu. They were smooth and silky to the touch. She cooed at the sensation. He ran his fingers over the faint line where the damaged ones had been replaced.
“Cha’Rolette. I almost died knowing that you were hurt because of me. That bullet was meant for me, and even with your security you still got... I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
She gave him a playful little grin. You don’t want to see me get hurt? Then accept my proposal.
Gerald turned away, his eyes becoming dead and lifeless. “I can’t.”
She looked hurt. Why not?
“You’d spend the rest of your life associated with the most evil man to ever exist. Your good name would be ruined.”
She was offended. You think I care about good PR?
“That is what you hired me for, isn’t it?”
She stood up and raised her voice. Is that what this is about? I’ll have you know I had nothing to do with you getting fired. That came from my father.
She clenched her fists. Now, tell me the real reason you’re rejecting me.
“Does it matter?”
She gritted her teeth. Of course it does. I have a right to know.
Gerald looked up at her with exhausted eyes. “Because I don’t deserve you.”
Cha’Rolette held up her fist, as if she meant to strike him. Don’t say things like that. Don’t you DARE say things like that!
“Why not?”
Because that is not your decision to make!
She punched the wall, cracking the stone. Oh, the impertinence!
Gerald was a little surprised at how angry she was. She floated above him and pointed a finger. Listen, you. I decide who is worthy of me. Do you understand? Me. And me alone. Not even my father would dare try to take that right away from me. Do you know how insulting it is for you to stand there and tell me that I made a mistake when I fell in love with you?
“I’m sorry,” he said wearily. “But it’s true. I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone.”
Cha’Rolette looked like she wanted to scream. Her ta’atu were writhing about.
You say you don’t deserve me, FINE. But what I want to know is, do you love me?
“It doesn’t matter. You deserve better.”
OF COURSE IT MATTERS! IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS! YOU TAUGHT ME THAT!
Gerald looked up at her, tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Cha’Rolette. I’m sorry that I have to hurt you like this. I don’t want to hurt you, believe me. I’d rather die than do this to you. It’s better this way. You’ll hurt for a while, but you’ll get over it. You’re strong like that. Eventually you’ll find a real man to be with. Someone worthy of you. And, then you’ll be happy.”
He stood up and began shuffling towards the door.
Cha’Rolette was furious. NO! Don’t you walk away from me! You hear me?
“Goodbye, Duchess.”
Her ta’atu flashed angrily. Gerald was grabbed by invisible hands and pushed up against the wall.
“If you stay with me, you’ll hurt a lot more and a lot longer than if I leave you. It’s just simple math.”
There was a crack like a whip. Gerald’s head was snapped to the side. Cha’Rolette stood before him, her hand raised from having slapped him. Tears were in her eyes.
How dare you! She said, trembling with anger. After all I’ve gone through for you, after all I lost, all I sacrificed. How dare you act like it was for nothing? Like it meant nothing! I’ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Gerald held his head low, tears falling off of his chin. “I’m sorry.”
I’m so sick of this, she snarled. Her ta’atu uncurled themselves and floated about, as if she were underwater. Every man I had ever known couldn’t drop to his knees fast enough to win my affections. So, why is it the one man I do care about refuses to love me in return?
Her ta’atu glowed brightly. Gerald felt pressure behind his eyes, inside his ears, at the back of his throat. His mind was being pressed, from all sides.
Just answer the question, Gerald! She commanded, her voice loud and booming. Do you l
ove me?
Gerald groaned under the assault. “Love isn’t enough.”
Yes it is! Bah! Your head is as thick as a rock!
Her ta’atu glowed even brighter. Gerald squirmed under the assault. It felt like his very soul was being squeezed.
He gasped for breath. All of his senses were unraveling around him. He saw his memories flying about the room. His body writhed about from side to side.
“I... just... want... to... protect... you... from... me...”
Cha’Rolette screamed at him, tears falling down her face. Her voice was everywhere, it vibrated through every cell in his body. It was like the voice of a god. You frakkin’ idiot! How can anyone possibly be this stubborn! Do I have to tear your mind to pieces!? Just answer the question. I command you! DO YOU LOVE ME?
Her ta’atu flickered and pulsed erratically. She yelped in pain and grabbed the ones on her right side.
Ouch!
The bed exploded, the sink was flattened like it was made of cardboard. Wall paneling was torn free like it was paper. Gerald was thrown across the room, slamming into the wall so hard that it cracked the stone.
Gerald fell backwards, blood trickling out of his ears and nose.
Cha’Rolette looked up in horror as he crumpled to the floor, his body broken.
She stood there in stunned silence, her whole body shaking.
Oh... oh no...
She flew over to Gerald, placing her hands on his chest.
Gerald? Gerald, I’m sorry, please get up. Gerald... GERALD!
His lips parted in a whisper. “Of course... I... love... you...”
And then he was gone.
Cha’Rolette looked around in fear. She widened her voice to include everyone in the building. Somebody get a doctor. HURRY!
Medical personnel ran in, working feverishly to revive him.
“What did you do to him?” Kalia asked harshly, looking him over.
Cha’Rolette backed against the wall.
Gerald... I’m... I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. It was an accident!
The doctors tore open his shirt and placed devices all over him. It took three shocks to get his heart going again.
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