I smiled at the memory of that young unsure mom who sat for hours in that chair afraid to put Ella down because she always woke up when we did. Her hair was always pulled back in a low ponytail, and she didn’t have time for make-up then, but her face was always glowing.
Now, her hair and make-up were never done for other reasons, and the glow was long gone. In its place was a dense fog, I’m not sure she could even see out of anymore. I took a deep breath and laid the pamphlets Wes and I had picked up earlier on the table. “I’m not paying the rent anymore, Bree.” I told her. She didn’t say anything, and I couldn’t see her eyes under her glasses, but I kept talking. “I can’t do this anymore.” I corrected myself, “I’m not doing this anymore. It’s time we both move on, and I have a chance at that now and I’m not losing it.”
I pushed the pamphlets I had set on the table towards her, and still she didn’t move, “This facility will give you your chance too, Bree. We will always love Ella, and though we will never recover from her death, we have to live. We haven’t been living, and she would want that for the both of us.” She leaned forward and picked up the papers. My heart skipped a hopeful beat.
“I can’t afford something like this.” She said still looking through them.
“They offer a program specifically for low incomes, and they even help you move into a sober living house and find employment after. All you have to do it go, Bree.” I knew her journey would be much more difficult than that, but I only focused on encouraging this first one. After this, she was on her own. “I want you to go, Bree. I want you to find life again, but the decision is yours to make. After today, I will no longer be in contact with you.” My heart was beating erratically, but I remained calm on the outside. I was setting myself free.
She tossed the papers back down on the coffee table and folded her arms over her chest.
“So, that’s it? You meet some new girl and everything changes?” I could hear the curiosity in her voice laced through bitterness. I hoped she took this chance at getting well, so that she too, could find change.
“That’s exactly it. I met the girl, and everything has changed.”
Bree remained silent when I stood up to let myself out. I stopped at the door and turned to look into the apartment where our little family began for the last time. I would always hold the memories of those first few months close, and hopefully Bree would get to a point where she could remember them too. “Goodbye, Bree.” I said, and shut the door.
Chapter 29
Kensie
I had only been at my mom’s for two nights, but I was already feeling like it was time to go home. She told me I could stay as long I needed to and decompress, but to be honest I was feeling more and more claustrophobic sleeping in my childhood bedroom. Overhearing her late night phone calls with John wasn’t helping either. Hearing my mom giggling in the middle of the night made be both smile, and vomit in my mouth a little.
I enjoyed my time with my mom, but I was really starting to miss the girls, being at work, and with August. I really missed August. I knew I made the right decision. I couldn’t stand by while Bree suffocated him, and I didn’t want to force him to end his relationship with her. I wanted him to do that all on his own. The part that broke my heart was that I wasn’t sure he would. I questioned if I was even worth putting him in that position. Bree was the mother of his child. They had a relationship that twisted and turned and dove deeper than the relationship August and I had just begun. I wasn’t even sure I could compete with that, but that’s why I stepped aside. I shouldn’t have to compete, but I still hoped I’d win.
My mom had a curriculum meeting at school today, so I took the opportunity to be alone for a while and took a walk. I found myself at the same playground I had taken August to, and it looked strikingly similar to the way it did at night. It was even just as silent. I sat down at the old picnic table making sure to test the bench first. I didn’t need to fall through the splintered wood and onto a rusty nail today. I’ll pass on the tetanus shot, thank you. Although it did sound better than going back to see August again.
I wasn’t sure how I would handle that. The whole group had gotten so close over the last few weeks, and I’d never put Lennon or Capri in a position where they’d have to choose. It was only a matter of time before August and I were in the same room together again.
I leaned down and plucked a dandelion from the grass and twirled it in my fingers. The only solution was to be the bigger person. I’d have to hold it together on the outside when my insides would undoubtedly be cracking and splintering. I wouldn’t be hollow though, which surprised me. The wind picked and the tiny seeds on the flower began to flutter.
Hollow was a feeling I had become acquainted with. My relationship with my dad left me hollow, Nolan hollowed me when he left, and I was even guilty of contributing to my emptiness through my interactions with the guys in high school. After August, I wasn’t hollow. I was wrecked, but I was complete. Maybe because August didn’t abandon me. I’m the one who left him. A wave of regret rolled through me when the wind swept by in a gust.
I watched as the little seeds that held onto the flower so tight were plucked off one by one and were carried into the wind. Wind. I want wind.
My heart coiled up into my throat and pulsed there. My wind. August was my wind. I wasn’t empty because being with him hadn’t drained me into a shell of myself. He did the exact opposite. He showed me how strong I am, and he showed me how determined I can be. He showed me how to love myself again.
In just the few weeks we had together, he had showed me a world of possibilities. There was the possibility to overcome, to succeed, to come apart and mend, to fall and rise, and most importantly the possibility to love and be loved. He guided me through my fight and carried me when I couldn’t move. Not once did he leave me, not once did he walk away or give up on me, but I walked away from him.
I dropped the naked stem of the flower in the grass and ran home. I don’t run, ever, but I ran. I had to get back to August. He may have made some mistakes when it came to handling Bree, but he was struggling too. I thought walking away was the best decision, but I was so wrong. August needed me to stand with him and guide him through this like he did with me. He needed me to carry him, when he couldn’t make a move.
I burst through my mom’s front door and was horrified to find my mom under John on the sofa. Legs intertwined, or maybe they were hands, or hand and legs. Oh God, I hope it was only hands and legs. I screamed, they screamed. John jumped off of her and I shielded my eyes. “Oh my God, you guys!” I yelled from behind my hands. “I sit there!” This would be seared into my brain forever. I’m so sorry brain.
“Relax, Kensie,” my mom’s voice spoke up, “We were just making out.” Vomit “You can open your eyes, everyone is clothed.”
I peeked through my fingers just to make sure and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw she was right. I let my hands fall to my side and looked at John, “I can never look at you the same way again, you know.” He chuckled and tucked his shirt back into his Levi’s. Vomit.
“Good thing I’m retiring soon.” He said and winked at me before kissing my mom on her cheek and whispering something into her ear that made her giggle. He walked by me, and when he went to pat me on the shoulder I jumped back. He raised his eyebrow in a smirk at me.
“I don’t know where your hands have been.” I said completely serious. He shook his head laughing, “Welp, I’d better go feed Bear. See ya later, Kensie.”
“Thought you were at a meeting?” I asked my mom.
“I was,” she said, “and then it ended and John took me to lunch.” She smiled and sat down on the couch. I stayed standing. I would forever stand in the living room now.
“What has you in such a hurry?” She asked me. I was relieved for the change of subject.
“It’s time for me to go home.” I said, and she smiled in a nod.
“You ready to see him again?” She asked.
I bit th
e inside of my cheek and nodded. “Yeah, I need to make some things right.” I hoped I hadn’t ruined it all. “I never even gave him a chance to set things right. I ran. I was so scared of him leaving me that I left him first.” My mom nodded in understanding.
“Loving someone is scary, but it is also incredibly rewarding when you are willing to work through your fears and stand up for it.” If there was any love worth standing up for it was August’s.
“Thanks, Mom,” I said before running into my room to pack up my clothes. Thankfully I hadn’t showed up with much, but I did buy a few things because I wasn’t sure how long I was going to stay. I unplugged my phone from the charger when I saw I had a missed text. I didn’t recognize the number but my heart stilled when I read the first line.
It’s August. This is my new number. I changed it so Bree can’t contact me anymore… I love you.
I was crying. I was laughing. I was laughing and crying. August was already making changes to his life so that we could move forward together. Of course he was, though. He was amazing, and he was mine. I couldn’t wait to get back to him. I just had one stop to make on my way.
* * *
The Red door wasn’t as intimidating this time, maybe because I felt in control. I got out of my car and straightened up my shoulders leaving my purse in the car. This wasn’t going to take long.
It took my dad a few minutes to answer after I had knocked. I imagine he was upstairs in his office running numbers, whatever that meant. The look on his face when he opened to door only gave me more ammunition. He was shocked, but not eyes aglow wide smile happy to see me, shocked. He was exasperated with me. “Kensington,” he sighed out a grumble and took his glasses off rubbing the bridge of his nose.
My rapid heartbeat did nothing for my already constricting lungs. This wasn’t the same nervous energy I felt when my anxiety came on, though. This was vamped by pure adrenaline. My endorphins were working over time with the knowledge that I was about to own this part of my life. “Dad.” I said when he opened the door wider and nodded at me to come in. He just nodded. I grunted low in frustration and spoke up, “No, Dad, I’m not coming in.”
He stopped mid step and turned around tucking his glasses into his shirt pocket. “Okay, what’s up, kiddo?” He sounded a bit more chipper now, but the damage was already done. Long done.
“I needed to come say a few things to you.” I started and he cut me off.
“Oh good, I’ve been meaning to talk to you too, when I saw you next.” When he saw me next? He could see me all the time if he really wanted too. Hell, he could call me if he wanted to talk to me.
I put my hand up to stop him. “Dad, please I need to say this.”
I closed my eyes then and took a deep breath. “You’ve been a really crappy dad since you and mom split up. Like, really crappy.” I opened my eyes to see his wide eyed and genuinely shocked face, but he didn’t say anything. Crappy wasn’t really what I had anticipated to come out of my mouth, but I was going with it.
“I have spent years wondering what I did wrong to make you choose to be a dad to someone else’s kids instead of me. Your craptastic fathering left me struggling to find any amount of worth in myself.”
My dad cleared his throat and loosed the knot in his tie around his neck. I guess I had gotten his attention. Finally. “Kensington, come in and sit down so we can talk about this.” He asked me again. I shook my head and took a step back from the door.
“No, Dad. I’m not here to talk this out. I’m not here to ask you to make more of an effort, or to plead for your attention. I’m here to tell you that I’m done doing that. I’m not the little girl who needs her dad’s approval anymore. I’m a woman who has realized that what makes a family is not who you are bound to by DNA. It’s choosing to surround yourself with the people who love you and support you. I have the most amazing family now, and I don’t feel the need to find a way into yours.”
I unclenched my fists releasing the pressure in my palms. That had been the most liberating realization for me, that I was not bound to people who poisoned my life. My dad was most certainly poison, and I wasn’t allowing him to contaminate me any longer. He could only hurt me as much as I allowed him to, and I was so done being hurt by him.
He cleared his throat again. “Well,” he said scratching his thinning hairline with one hand. “That was what I wanted to talk with you about, although that young man didn’t go into that kind of detail when I talked with him.” Wait, what?
“What young man?” I asked him, completely confused.
“The young man that answered your phone on Thanksgiving. When you disappeared, we called you a couple of times, but you never picked up. Eventually a young man picked up and told me what an awful father I was, and that I should be thankful to even have such an amazing daughter to spend my time with. He hung up before I even had a chance to ask who he was.”
I couldn’t help it. I smiled. August really loved me. I couldn’t believe he had stood up for me to my dad, but then again I could. “That’s my boyfriend.” I told my dad proudly and didn’t miss the small smile that crossed his face.
“Well, I really didn’t appreciate the way your boyfriend spoke to me. I would have preferred a more civil conversation, man to man.” I rolled my eyes at that. August would forever be a greater man than my dad. As far as I was concerned, that gave him free reign to address my dad however he chose. “It does, however, make me really happy to know my daughter has a man who isn’t afraid to fight for her.” I stared at him blankly waiting for him to continue; because quite frankly it pissed me off that after everything I had just poured out to him he had the nerve to offer his approval of my boyfriend.
“That was also what I wanted to talk to you about.” He said shifting on his feet. He probably needed to sit down, but I didn’t plan on staying much longer. “I didn’t realize any of this,” he told me genuinely and I knew as much. I just would never be able to use that as an excuse for him because he should have realized. He should have realized when I wasn’t at the family reunion. He should have realized when he didn’t know anything about my life outside the fact that I was living. “I’m just sorry you feel that way,” he said and then he stopped talking and looked at me sympathetically with his mouth turned down.
I waited a minute to see if he was going to say anything else. Maybe say, an apology for how he had treated me. It never came, though. All my dad was capable of was apologizing for the way I felt, as if he had no responsibility in it. I snorted and shook my head.
“That’s it? You’re sorry for how I feel?” I probably should have been hurt by his disregard, but I wasn’t. I had already come to a place where he couldn’t hurt me anymore.
“I’d really like for us to try to work this out, kiddo.” He said still completely clueless. I was done. I had said what I needed to say to him. I came and set myself free, and now I was just ready to get back to the people who were worth my time.
“Look Dad, I’m done. If you want to call me, call me. If you want to come visit me, come see me. Other than that, I don’t know what else to say.” I turned and walked down the front steps to my car. Other than a very loud sigh, my dad didn’t say anything. That was exactly why I had to come here. I could never change the way he was, but I could change the way in which I dealt with it.
* * *
The bells jingled against each other. The last time I walked through this door it changed my life, and now I had a reason for a memorable tattoo. The shop was full tonight. I remember Wes telling me they worked the most at night. I guess nobody wanted a tattoo at nine in the morning.
“Can I help you miss?” A guy asked from behind the counter.
“I’m looking for Wes if he’s here tonight.” I said hoping he was. There wasn’t anyone else I wanted to do this tattoo for me. The guy squinted his eyes at me and fiddled with his lip ring, “Depends. If you’re here for some work he’s in the back, but if you’re here to be worked over, he said to send you away.”
I pushed my way through the saloon door where Wes greeted me with a hug. “ Don’t tell August I’ve got my hands on you. He’ll kick my ass.” I laughed at that, relieved August still had a reason to. “Is it time for that tat?” He asked pulling away from me and rubbing his hands together.
“It’s time.” I said with my stomach in knots more nervous about the pain than anything.
When I told Wes what I wanted, he stared at me in utter disbelief. I knew my tattoo wasn’t entirely unique, but it had a special meaning to me. It wasn’t even a rose or a butterfly so I don’t know what the problem was. “Seriously?” He asked making me uncomfortable.
“Yes, seriously. Why, what’s wrong with it?” He threw his head back in a laugh, “Nothing. Nothing’s wrong with. It’s perfect. Let’s do this.”
I straddled the chair and pulled the straps of my tank down. Wes didn’t waste any time getting to work on the tattoo on my shoulder. It wasn’t as painful as I had thought, although he told me this was one of the least painful spots. The build up in my mind was even worse than the actual needle on my skin. A couple of spots on the bone had me cringing, but Wes was quick to give me a break when he took notice. We were already half way done with just another hour or so left.
“So glad you decided to give him another chance,” Wes mumbled around a green gummy bear. I told him all about my reasons for sending August home without me that night, and about what I had realized since then. I found getting a tattoo was a lot like getting my hair done in that they worked while you spilled your guts. “I just wish I would have given him the chance then. I’ve missed him the last few days.” I admitted, “a lot.”
Truth In Wildflowers Page 28
