by Cara North
"Fine.” He says. “I wasn't meeting with my agent about another movie. I was meeting with the doctor. I'm dying."
"No.” I shake my head. “No you're not."
He turns to me, yanks his arm free of Henry then tells me the truth. I can see it in his eyes. “Yes, sweetheart. I am. I have cancer, it is aggressive and they can't operate on it. This,” he holds up his arms, “is a week of tests. They want to do more but I don't want to do anything except be here with both of you."
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My Old Friend
Henry sits in the chair at the desk and stares. It is as if someone just slapped the life out of him. “I have something to say too."
I wish I could say that this was all feeling like another out of body experience but unfortunately, my mind was ever present. We looked at him. He scrubbed both hands over his face and took a deep breath. “I'm done as of this season. They didn't just need to re-do the parts where the new actress had to fill in. They decided to kill off my character as well."
Jacob smiles. He shakes his head slowly back and forth. “Fuck em'. I mean it. Fuck em’ all!"
Henry and I look at him. In comparison, our secrets were not as tragic as his, but still.
"So', Henry, if you don't mind, I'd like to get a little shut eye before morning.” He pulls the sheet up over himself. “Come to bed Henry, we can all deal with reality in the morning."
Henry looks at me, I mouth the words I'm sorry. He frowns at me. I can't see his face again until he gets in the bed and is close enough.
"Turn over.” He says as he pulls up the sheet and blanket.
I do. I face Jacob and Henry wraps his arm around me as if none of this had just happened.
* * * *
"So'” I get a kiss on my lips. “So'. Wake up."
Jacob is smiling when I open my eyes. “Where is Henry?"
He lifts an eyebrow and shakes his head. “He'll be back."
"I didn't mean..."
"I know.” He says but I wonder if he really does. “I just want you to know that if you are pregnant I will take care of you. It doesn't matter if it is mine or his. I swear I will take care of you. I didn't tell you the truth when I said I was in LA the two weeks I didn't call. I was always in New York. I found out the morning of that interview. I was a mess. But you, you were prefect, and when I am with you, I feel like I can do anything."
A tear escapes my eye.
"Don't cry, I mean I'm not going to die right now, I have months, possibly even a year.” He nods as if he were talking about variable stock options instead of his mortality.
"I can't believe this is happening to you.” I slide closer to him and hug him tight. “What am I going to do without you?"
The first honest thing I allowed myself to say when it came to how I felt for this man. Jacob wasn't just a third wheel, or even the pinnacle of this triangle, he was essential. I could be with either of them alone, or both of them together, what I could not imagine for the future was my life without either of them. Especially without him.
"You'll have Henry. That's why I asked him to come. He needs someone, I knew that day in the hotel, that you were the one.” He tucks a curl behind my ear. “You're smart, beautiful, and you have excellent taste in actors."
I laugh though I don't want to.
"Come here.” He says and places my head to his shoulder. He cradles me like a child and I weep as quietly as I can. “If this is how you're taking it I imagine my mother is going to be a disaster."
"You haven't told your parents?” I push up and look at him. “You have to..."
"I will, but not yet.” He sits up. “We have a couple of days in Italy, when I go home, when you go home, when we make Henry come home, I'll tell them."
"I ... I.” I can't get my words together. The door opens and Henry walks in with a paper bag in his arm.
"Okay. This is for you,” He tosses an apple at Jacob. “And this is for you.” He tosses a box at me.
"A pregnancy test?” I ask and look at it. “It's in Italian Henry I can't read this."
"Honey, you pee on the stick in any language.” He pulls out another piece of fruit. “Apple?"
"No, thank you.” I get up with my box as he bites the apple.
"This is your first time this morning right?” he asks as I walk to the bathroom.
"Yes.” I feel like a child and I don't like it. I slam the door behind me and look at the box. “Shit! How did you let this happen to you?"
"I'm pretty irresistible.” I hear Jacob call through the door.
Damn paper thin walls! I handle my business and sit the stick on the sink. I leave the bathroom because I know in my heart that I am not pregnant. That this is not happening to me, and that there is nothing to worry about.
"How will you feel if you are?” Henry asks and they both look at me.
"I don't think I am.” I shrug. “I told you I don't want children. I don't want a husband. I mean what we are doing here is not a thing for other people to know about. Certainly it is not something a child should be brought into."
"But I won't be here to make it complicated.” Jacob reminds me and my heart thumps solid and hard in my chest.
"Don't you say that! If you have months, you have time. And in that time anything can happen. It could go away, you could have surgery. I mean they obviously think you have a chance at something or why all the tests?"
"It's rare and I told them they could so that they can document and research as much as possible. I'm giving them my body when it's all done.” He takes another bite of the apple. “But I think you are, and I think it's mine. I think the reason you held that elevator was for this very purpose right now. I mean Sonja really, you schedule when you shower, sweetheart. I know I fucked up your system, I'm not surprised you missed taking the pills."
"She's not pregnant.” Henry said from behind me.
In an instant, I was sad and I was heartbroken. My hand came up to my stomach and I realized in that moment how much I wished I could carry a part of him with me for the rest of my life.
"Sonja.” Henry said as I sank to the floor to cry. “Are you sad?"
"Yes.” I tell him.
"Good,” he says. “You're pregnant. Now you know you're okay with it."
"What?” I want to slap him.
"I had to know too. I mean we all needed to know.” He holds my arms and I am sure it is for his own protection.
"Oh God, what am I going to do now?” I look from one to the next.
"Gelato?” Jacob smiles. “I mean honey; you have a while to figure out the details. In the meantime, you have us. We have you, and I have a limited amount of time on my hands these days so I plan to keep doing what I have been doing."
"What's that?” I ask.
"Living it to the fullest.” He grabs my hand. “No more tears today unless they are tears of ecstasy."
"Get dressed you two.” Henry helps me up. Then bends to whisper in my ear. “Don't question the father. Let him think it is his."
Jacob goes into the bathroom and I have a moment alone with Henry. I am mad at him for what he just did to me, but at the same time, the tactic worked. I know now that the feeling in the market was real. I know that no matter how I try to run from this, I am falling for them. How could I break a dying man's heart? How am I going to survive this? We are all a group of actors now, except this is our lives and we aren't getting paid to perform. We are just trying to figure out the best ways to deliver our lines to each other, the right moves. Without a script, life is really getting scary for me.
"It very well may be his.” I whisper.
"I know. But it could be mine too.” He looks at me thoughtfully. “I feel guilt hoping it is."
"You are both nuts.” I decide. And try to walk away from him.
"No. We are both in love with the same woman. That's all.” He lets me go and I remember I am not supposed to cry anymore today. What I feel like as I pull on my jeans is a wreck. A train wreck. Un
balanced, unorganized; when I get to the bathroom mirror I can't say I know the woman looking back at me at all. It creeps me out so bad that I pull my hair in a ponytail and forego any make-up to avoid looking at her.
I walk out to them whispering. It is always like that with the two of them, they are always conspiring against me.
"What now?” I ask and I get two very mischievous smiles in return.
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Toxic
I head to the market this afternoon to pick up fresh vegetables and fish for dinner. I leave them behind. I tell them to relax, rest up. We had a fabulous morning and afternoon. No one knows Jake is in Italy so we are free to explore this magnificent place. We visit the coliseum, a museum, and one amazing fountain. For my part, I can say that I enjoy the company of both men.
The sun is lowering and the twilight hours are so amazing. I take my time since I know where I am, what I am after, and I enjoy the time alone with my newest love, Italy.
"Grazie.” I say to the woman. I feel pretty proud of myself that I have learned a few words. Most of them surrounding food, and the purchasing of food, but still.
I inhale the clean scent and stand outside the door waiting for the first twinkles of starlight. I lean on the banister and take in the sights. I am content. I am happy.
Feeling refreshed and ready for anything I open the door and find that my two men are nowhere in sight. This seems impossible since I can see the whole place from where I am standing. I hear the shower running so I decide to sneak and see what they are up to.
I open the bathroom door expecting to find one of them on the toilet talking. I don't know what I was expecting but I was not expecting to overhear the current conversation behind the curtain.
"I can't believe I let you talk me into this.” Henry says.
"Yes you can.” Jake is always so forward.
"What if she comes back?” He asks.
Jake laughs, “You really are afraid of what she will think aren't you? All the more reason to do it. You need to know for sure she can accept it."
"Don't you?” Henry asks.
"I know my girl. She is fine with who I am, and she is fine with who you are. You are not fine with it, you never have been.” Jake replies.
I know I am spying. I know I should say something but I can't see through the curtain and I am dying to know what is happening behind it.
Like a not so slick spy, I slip out of my sandals and tiptoe across the floor and carefully, oh so carefully step up onto the toilet seat to see if I can peep over the shower.
When I get there, I am honestly shocked. “Henry!"
"Fuck!” Henry says and tries to disengage himself.
"So'.” Jake looks up at me. “Give us a minute will ya?"
My eyes are bulging. Henry is red faced, and Jacob, the scoundrel is grinning from ear to ear at our discomfort. “Sure."
I step down from the toilet seat and go to the kitchen. I try to figure out the image I just saw. I am still processing it as they come out of the bathroom. Jake obviously satisfied and Henry looking mortified.
"Sonja,” Jake takes a seat at the table. “You okay?"
"Fine.” I shrug. Henry stands just outside the kitchen area.
"Does it bother you?” Jake asks. I shrug. I don't look at Henry.
"You have to tell us, and you have to tell the truth, look at him. Look him in the eyes and tell him what you are thinking.” Jake demands.
"I ... I wasn't expecting that is all.” And that was the truth.
"Wait, wait, wait one second here.” Jacob has finally figured out my discomfort with the situation. “You mean to tell me that you're all in a fizz because it was him not me?"
"I just thought...” I shrug and try to go back to preparing dinner.
"Thought what?” Jake sits up. “Wait a second. You look me in the eye now and tell me, why is it okay for me to get fucked in the ass, it's okay for you to get fucked in the ass..."
"Wait a second, you...” Henry chimes in.
"Yeah I did.” Jake says triumphantly then returns to his original line of questioning, “but it isn't okay for him to?"
"I didn't say that.” I gulp. “I just wasn't expecting it."
"That makes two of us.” Henry takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
"I mean that night the three of us, and the time you two.” I point asparagus spears at them in turn. I then rinse and put them aside. My back is to them and I know without turning around, I can feel them both communicating in their secret man code. “Stop it!"
"What?” They both ask which just confirms it.
"You two are always conspiring, you are always plotting, scheming, talking about me, things, life, whatever behind my back.” I hold the tomato this time.
"We aren't talking about you.” Jake bites his lower lip and I know he is lying.
"We were talking about you. In fact it was talking about you that got us to the shower.” Henry takes another breath of exasperation.
"Whoa, whoa, hold the horses there cowboys. How did I have anything to do with you two stripping naked and getting in the shower to fuck each other?” The tomato is no match for my fingers of determination and it explodes.
"Sheesh, woman, no need to kill dinner.” Jake laughs and I toss it at him. He catches it and takes a bite. In this moment, I am telling myself over and over again that he is dying, he is dying, he is dying, or else I would try to kill him.
"We didn't finish anything in there.” Jake looks to Henry then to me. “My goal was to show him you were okay with it. Your face proved you were not. But I think it was just shock. I think you are okay with it. In fact I think you're jealous."
"That is preposterous!” I huff, I stammer, I am jealous.
"You are, you are jealous because we did something without you. It's okay for you to come here and be with him, okay for you to spend those extra days with me, but the thought of us without you..."
"If you want each other what do you need me for?” I raise my hands and surrender. “To what, carry your love child? I mean seriously. What the hell am I? Who am I? I don't know. I have no clue who I am anymore. Ever since you walked into my life I have been ... I don't know who I have been."
"Yourself.” Jake says flatly. “Take a hard look honey, the sooner you accept that you have a freak flag, the sooner you'll feel better about flying it."
"Me?” I say shocked. “What about you? Both of you?"
"I'm dying, I have no problem with who I am right now. I only regret not being this man sooner.” Jake says.
"You know what ... If I hear that ‘I'm dying’ line one more time I am going to kill you.” I say and place my hands flat on the table. “That is not a card you throw down lightly you understand me? If you care at all about me, about him, about anyone you will stop that shit right now because it is hurtful, spiteful, and a chicken shit way of getting what you want."
"What?” He physically pulls back in his seat. It is as if I had reached over and slapped him.
"You heard me.” I say, and I mean it. “You want me, you want him. Just fucking admit it. You want to do to him what he did to you..."
"Sonja,” Henry steps forward.
I don't pay him any attention. “So you plan it out that what, you would get in the shower and then I would come in and I would see you doing it? You wanted to make me jealous. You wanted me to see you doing something I can't do. I doubt he wanted to do it but you probably threw down the death card, didn't you?"
"Henry.” Jacob looks to him. I look to him.
Henry puts two big shaking hands up over his face and then pulls them down. “The night, when we..."
"You can't get off that way.” I look at Jake and I know now. I pull out the chair and sit. Why is it so different that it is my Henry and not Jake?
"Tell him you are okay with it.” Jake looks at me.
I look at Henry and I swear I am afraid he may cry. “I'm okay with it."
"No, you're not.” He
says, “This is exactly what I was afraid of. You can deal with him, the wild child, the superstar, the one who pushes you. You didn't think twice about what you were doing or who when we were at your place. I knew then you couldn't know."
"Hold up, know what?” I ask.
"The night he got drunk and begged me to fuck him, remember? I tried, but I didn't know what I was doing. I mean I hadn't done it before. Not with a woman, certainly not with a man. I tried, but I hurt him. We stopped.” Henry gulps. “But we were pretty wasted, wound up, and afraid at any minute our building would be crumbling down next, so out of nowhere, he just acted. It was weird, unnatural, but at the time, I didn't care. He is my best friend, the person who pushes me, who challenges me, the only person left in my life who loves me. Really loves me."
"It only happened once.” Jacob says. “I lost my cousin, we were all told to stay put, stay inside and wait. I knew she went into work that day. I got her the job. I knew she worked on the top floor and I knew there was no way she could get out. Watching television led to drinking, the combination led to fear. I mean it was crazy. That whole week was crazy."
"It made you think about people, and anything hidden, it came up.” Henry said. “I don't know that we would have ... but we did. And there is no going back from it. I don't regret it."
I see Jake's eyes well up and he crinkles his nose to fight back his tear. I know they are talking to each other as much as they are to me.
Henry continues, “I can't take it back and I won't apologize for it. I told you in the beginning..."
"You're Ennis, I get it now.” I do. He only feels like this for Jake. But to make sure, “So when he's gone ... will you want to..."
"No.” Henry says quietly. “He's the only one. The only one."
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Dirty
We don't say anything else about it while we eat. We don't need to. The truth of our situation is all out on the table. The question, at least for me is when do I get to be a part of this with them? I suspect Jacob is playing footsy with Henry, just as he is me. I keep glancing at one then the other. They keep glancing at me, smiling, winking, and at one point Jake puts a bite in his mouth, flips the spoon and slowly pulls it out. I don't know why it turned me on, it just did.
