by Sue Watson
‘Yeah, because I was in a relationship with someone else and I don’t cheat.’
‘So why didn’t you tell me you were with someone else and stop me from making a total dick of myself?’
‘Because I love you and you’re not a dick. I’m the dick… I tried to tell you, but every time I got cold feet.’
‘So who is she?’ I said, still standing by the filthy bin like an old bag lady, my hair now sticking to my head with the heat, my dress damp with sweat and sick. Might as well face whatever he had to throw at me and get this over with, because I couldn’t possibly have felt any worse than I did.
‘She’s a lovely woman I met after my bro died… The night of his funeral, actually.’ I searched his face as he spoke, but could see nothing, just my own horrified face mirrored in his sunglasses.
‘Oh God,’ I said, flopping down on the hot steps again.
Dan sat down next to me and we both looked out on to Sydney Harbour. The water was blue, the sun high in the sky – ironically, a perfect day. How many times I’d imagined us doing exactly this, but in none of my fantasies was I covered in sick while Dan was declaring his love for another woman.
‘I’m sorry I’m being dramatic. Of course you met someone else, you’re a good-looking, lovely guy. Why wouldn’t you?’ I suddenly felt a bit wobbly and started to sway slightly.
‘Let’s get you out of this heat – go and get a coffee. We need to straighten this out…’
‘Okay,’ I said, feeling completely lost. ‘But I can’t go anywhere, look at me.’
Dan agreed, and suggested we go back to the room, have a proper conversation and then I could decide what to do.
Arriving back at the hotel, we went straight to the room and sat together on the bed.
‘So,’ he started, after getting me a towel, a waste bin and a big glass of water from the bathroom. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have hesitated to take off my dress and wrap the towel around me, but not now. I felt like Dan was a stranger, and what’s more, he was someone else’s stranger. I don’t know which was worse, the hurt or the humiliation.
I sat on the bed as the silence fell between us.
‘So?’ I said, then before he could open his mouth added, ‘I want to know, but I don’t. So please don’t tell me the love story, I just want to know where things are now… with her.’
I was feeling slightly more composed now (well, I suppose anything would be more composed than vomiting in the middle of tourist central), but that didn’t mean I didn’t hate this woman instantly.
‘First of all, we’re not together now. We ended things a few weeks ago.’
I have to admit to feeling a sense of deep joy and relief at this and a little chink of light started to appear, but was still a little uneasy. If they weren’t together, then why did he have a photo of her in his wallet?
‘I’m sorry I got myself into quite a state,’ I said, shaking off my questions – they would have to wait.
‘Yeah, I know.’
‘I just feel so stupid. I’m annoyed with myself more than anything. I missed all the signs. The texts suggesting it wasn’t time, the way you never answered my calls, avoided talking about us whenever we did speak,’ I looked at him and realised he was right, I was being unreasonable. ‘Then there were the “Faye, please whatever you do, don’t come to Sydney” postcards you sent,’ I joked.
He smiled at this, then put his head in his hands. ‘Faye, you and I were over,’ he said calmly. ‘I met someone after you’d told me we had no future… “Go and find someone else,” you said.’
‘Not quite…’
‘That’s exactly what you said,’
‘Okay, I did. But I didn’t mean go back to Sydney, stop in the first bar and find a woman.’ I softened this with a smile; I wasn’t angry at him, I was angry with myself for letting him go in the first place.
‘It wasn’t quite like that,’ he said, giving me a chastising look. ‘We didn’t even date, we just “hooked up” every now and then.’
I’d heard Mandy use this expression, but she’d also said ‘shagged’, ‘bonked’ and ‘banged’ – ‘hooked up’ somehow always felt a little more restrained. But however I wanted it packaged, there was no escaping the fact that Dan was telling me he’d had a sexual relationship with someone else when we were apart.
‘She was single, I was single… We talked, had a few drinks, swapped numbers, then the night of my brother’s funeral, I called her and we met up and…’
‘Oh Dan, I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you.’ I blamed myself for everything that had happened. I pushed him away, and now I was paying the price. I wasn’t sure how I felt. I know it sounds arrogant and stupid, but this hadn’t been on my radar. How naive was I to expect this wonderful man to put a hold on his life just because I wasn’t in it?
He gently reached out and touched my knee, then he reached into his wallet for the bloody photo again and I put my hand up like a stop sign.
‘No! Dan, I can handle that you had a hook-up thing with a woman last year, but I don’t need photographic evidence. I’m not possessive, but I can be a little insecure and I really, really don’t want to see a photo of her standing around in tiny cut-offs or a string thong thing on a beach. If I don’t see her, then I can pretend she never existed. As long as she isn’t in your life now.’
He looked me straight in the eye, shifted in the bedroom chair and said, ‘Clover will always be in my life.’ He was looking down at the photo like she was a bloody goddess. This didn’t augur well for our happy ever after and I was ready to call the airport and get a plane out of there.
‘Saffron and I… We tried to live together, tried to make a go of it, for Clover’s sake.’
‘Clover? Saffron? Who are these women? Do you have some kind of harem?’ I asked, confused and wondering if we were now in a polygamy scenario.
‘Look at the bloody picture! Clover is a baby,’ he said, thrusting the photo in my face. ‘She’s my daughter.’
I was in shock. Dan was a father? My Dan, the carefree spirit who chased waves and rainbows was now somebody’s dad? This wasn’t happening, it was all too weird.
‘You are kidding me?’ I said, unable to take my eyes from his, searching for the flicker of humour.
He shook his head. ‘No, this is real… Clover’s real.’ He lifted the photo in evidence.
‘You really have a daughter? A baby? What the hell! Why didn’t you tell me this?’ I said softly, taking the photo he was now holding under my nose. Looking at the picture of this gorgeous baby with big brown eyes and a mop of dark hair, I almost melted. ‘She’s beautiful. I’m not sure it’s appropriate coming from me, but congratulations,’ I said, wondering again how he could keep something so big from me.
‘I didn’t know how to tell you. She was born two months ago. Saffron didn’t tell me until she was almost seven months gone and we kind of shared a place for a while, but it hasn’t worked out.’ He was looking at the photo, unable to hide the flicker of a smile as he gazed at his child.
‘She’s nothing like you,’ I said. ‘She’s dark haired, dark-skinned, and beautiful,’ I sighed.
‘She’s like her mum… I mean, the dark hair and skin…’
‘It’s okay, I’m sure her mother is beautiful too,’ I sighed. ‘You can say that to me without me crumpling into a heap.’ I said this with fake certainty, I was quite devastated by all this and just trying not to overreact – again.
‘So, now you know,’ he said.
‘Yep.’
‘What do you want to do?’ he asked, like he’d just shown me a menu and was wondering what I fancied for dinner that evening.
‘I have no idea what I want to do,’ I sighed. ‘I don’t think it’s really up to me… There’s a large cast list,’ I added sarcastically.
‘I’m so sorry, this must be hard. I was going to tell you so many times,’ he said, now searching my face for a reaction. He looked sad and guilty and I didn’t know wha
t to say or how to feel. ‘But when you got back in touch you seemed so excited about having your freedom and no responsibilities,’ he continued, ‘I didn’t think you’d want me, with a child. And I didn’t seriously think you’d ever come here.’
‘I know, I know. So where’s everything at? Is the baby here, in Sydney? Do you see her?’
‘Oh yeah. Saff and I are muddling through, trying to make it work. She’s an artist and often away working so we have to rota the childcare.’
‘Wow, a childcare rota! You really have changed,’ I said, still taking all this in.
‘Saff’s worried about Clover growing up with no dad, and we need to be more organised… At the moment it’s just a mess, me trying to work at the café, Saff all over the country doing exhibitions. She stays over at the apartment on days she has Clover – and I stay over on my days, that way Clover doesn’t have to move. As you know, babies come with lots of equipment, so we keep it all at the apartment.’
‘So that’s why you didn’t want me turning up unannounced: I’d discover your secret,’ I said. This explained why he wasn’t exactly jumping for joy at the prospect of my arrival, and why he’d been so insistent I called him. Instead of falling onto his bed in a passionate heap, we’d have been falling over pushchairs and baby clothes.
‘Yeah, well, I was always going to tell you, but when you said you were coming over to Sydney, I panicked. Then I thought about it and Saff and I ended things… and I wanted to see you. I felt it was only fair to tell you face-to-face.’
‘I… I’m still finding it really hard to grasp. You have a baby, Dan,’ I sighed. Things would never be the same now. Even if we did get back together, it would never be just about us, there would always be Dan’s daughter to think of. Life always had an unexpected card to play and just as I’d become free, Dan had life-changing responsibilities. I couldn’t help but wonder as I watched him gazing at the photo of his daughter and seeing the light in his eyes when he said her name that perhaps this was what he’d wanted – or needed all along. When he’d told me he was happy with just me, and being a surrogate granddad to Rosie, perhaps deep down he’d wanted more, something I couldn’t give him.
‘She wasn’t planned, this wasn’t how things were supposed to be, but she’s here and she’s wonderful. The only thing is, Saff’s away such a lot, it tends to be me and Clover most of the time, which is great – but I also have the café to think of. It’s not easy.’
‘I can imagine.’ I felt genuine empathy for him, I knew too well how tough it was to balance children, work and family.
‘I thought I was doing the right thing moving in with Saffron once she found out she was pregnant. Then Clover was born and I just loved her so much, everything fell into place, but as a couple we couldn’t make it work. It was after yet another row you called me once just to say hello.’
I smiled. ‘God, yes… I was having doubts about coming to Sydney and wanted you to tell me I had to come… You didn’t.’
‘I’m so sorry, but just talking to you that night had such an impact on me. I remembered in those few seconds what love sounded like – and it wasn’t me and Saff.’ He now had his head in his hands and I heard him say, ‘What was I supposed to do, Faye? I had a baby and the woman I love was telling me she’s finally free to stay up all night drinking cocktails, spend whole days at the beach. But now I have a daughter who needs me.’
‘The irony,’ I said, still trying to get my head round all this.
‘And every time I tried to tell you, you’d talk over me,’ he continued with a smile and a slight roll of the eyes. ‘You’d be telling me how wonderful it was that now you had no one to worry about. I didn’t want to piss on your bonfire…’
‘No, you waited until I got here to do that,’ I sighed, wondering where I stood in all this and if we even had a future together.
‘Do you still have feelings for Saffron?’ I had to ask. I needed him to be open and honest, and I would take that truth, painful as it might be. It was the only way we could move forward, to wherever that might be.
‘No… I don’t love her, if that’s what you mean. We were kind of thrown together, we both needed someone and the other was there. She’s the mother of my child, so there’ll always be something between us, but it’s not romantic love.’ I nodded, relieved, but still unsure where this left me. Where it left us. ‘Saff knows you’re coming here and she’s okay about it.’
‘I’m not sure I’d be okay if my partner’s ex suddenly turned up,’ I said, suddenly feeling like the third wheel.
‘It’s not like that. She gets it and we both want to move on, in different directions… One of us has to move out and…’
‘So you’re still living at the same apartment… Together?’ My heart sank like a stone.
‘Not like that. Saff and Clover stay at the apartment when she’s around and I stay there with Clover when she isn’t. The rest of the time I stay in a room over the café. It’s got a bed and that’s all I need, but it isn’t a home. I don’t have a life apart from Clover and work.’
‘Oh Dan, we’re both in limbo, aren’t we? I can see how tough it’s been for you, but I feel really weird about this.’
‘Why?’
‘Because as much as it hurts me to think of you being with someone else, me being here isn’t giving you a chance. You’re parents and you might rekindle things if you were alone with your child.’
‘No. We weren’t working, you know how I feel about you. Saff does too, and now you’re here and she’s totally cool with this…’
I looked at him doubtfully: it felt awkward, uncomfortable, that he had this whole life that I wasn’t part of.
‘I feel like an intruder in your lives,’ I said.
‘Well, you’re not. We’re not this little family unit, we’re two people with our own lives, we just happen to share a baby. There’s a big art festival going on in Perth and she wants to go there and work. But she can’t take a baby into the pot-smoking, communal life…’
‘Wow, I never thought I’d hear you say that, Dan!’ It seemed fatherhood had turned him into a sensible man suddenly. ‘I’d have been more concerned about you taking a baby into a pot-smoking…’
‘I’ve changed,’ he said. ‘Saff’s an artist, she’s really good, but when she’s working, it consumes her…’
‘You’re the same, Dan, you’re consumed by your business, the recipes, the ingredients, the origins of those ingredients. You’ve always been obsessed…’
‘Yes, but it’s an obsession I used to share with you. I’ve missed that, because Saff and I don’t share the same passions. It’s like we’re both lonely when we’re together… I didn’t think that was possible, to be lonely with someone else.’
I remembered my marriage to Craig and nodded silently. But he didn’t want to hear my diatribe on ‘life with Craig’ just now, he had enough on his plate.
‘Sometimes I think she blames me for the fact she has a baby and can’t just run off and paint,’ he sighed. ‘But we’ve both had to sacrifice our freedom… I just think she finds it harder than I do.’
Despite Dan now being a dad and having a ‘babymummy’ in his life, I still loved him, nothing would change that.
‘I know this wasn’t what you expected to find here, but we can still be together. I mean, how much difference will a part-time baby make to our lives?’ he laughed. ‘And she’s gorgeous, but she is very independent.’
I laughed at this; I was slowly coming round to seeing Dan as a dad – a very proud dad too. I confess I also found it very attractive.
‘I know it’s not ideal that Saff and I share a place, but she’s moving out next week to share with a friend, and after that you could stay there?’
‘Oh God, it feels like you have a conveyor belt of women,’ I said. ‘Dead men’s shoes aren’t my thing really. Let’s take a little time and see how things pan out before we dance on her grave.’
‘Okay, but it’s really not like that. There’s o
nly ever been you, Faye.’
We looked at each other for what seemed like ages, communicating only with our eyes, until I had to look away or I might kiss him.
‘Look, why don’t I just show you round Sydney?’ he said in the slightly awkward aftermath. ‘There’s a wonderful place we could go for tapas and early cocktails, and this great little seafood joint down by the harbour, all those twinkly lights you love – and prawns to die for. We could go there for dinner, and then afterwards we could see the Opera House, plenty of photo opportunities, Madam,’ he said, playing the tour guide. ‘Oh, and before you say anything, I’ll check the firework situation – not sure they’re doing them tonight, but I could find you a sparkler,’ he laughed.
‘Oh, you cheapskate,’ I teased, suddenly feeling lighter, happier. ‘He promises me diamonds and I end up with paste!’
‘No, only diamonds for you, babe,’ he said, looking at me like he could see deep inside my head, like he wanted to possess me. He was probably about to say something wonderful, then stopped himself. It was clear from the eye contact that we felt the same, but neither of us was ready yet for the old intimacy yet. ‘I’ve done an itinerary and we can get up early tomorrow and…’ he started, suddenly morphing into someone resembling the old Dan, ‘we’ll do a thorough whistle-stop tour of the city in a day, I know you’ll love it.’
‘That sounds good,’ I smiled, and he reached out and squeezed my hand, then pulled away.
We were a long way from being how we used to be, but perhaps we could manoeuvre our way round all this and work something out after all?
‘So, why don’t you get changed and I’ll check the Opera House…’ Mid-sentence, his phone rang. He looked at it, looked at me and then looked at his phone again as it kept on ringing.
‘Who is it?’ I asked, confused.
‘Saff… Sorry, Faye, I have to get this. It might be about Clover.’
‘Of course,’ I said, gesturing for him to pick up. But I could see in his pained expression he was torn and when he answered, I felt like I should leave the room. This was a private call, but I was strangely fascinated to hear the way he spoke to her, what their dynamic was, so I went into the bathroom and pressed my ear against the wall. It had to be done. I trusted Dan but was a little concerned that he might be adapting things slightly to keep us both happy.
