I checked my phone to see I had a missed call from Riley. Riley! Yes, I’d go back to my day of distraction. Riley would make me laugh and we could just forget about the vampires. I called him back and he told me he was free. He suggested a double feature at the movies. It was kind of our thing.
Riley was a movie buff, and since I loved movies, too, it worked out on the days he needed a movie date. I told him I was in as long as one was a chick flick. He sighed loudly over the phone and said if he had to make that sacrifice to spend time with me, he would do it. I felt better already.
I got dressed and left the house without even telling Caroline where I was going. Seeing how James had been there earlier to look out for me, I felt a bit guilty. No! Stop thinking about vampires. If they were so keen on looking out for me, they’d figure out where I was and deal with it.
Riley and I grabbed a bite to eat at the coffee shop next to the movie theater to catch up on the evening the night before. It felt like forever ago that we’d had the Halloween party when in reality it had only been last night. Obviously, I left the crazy stuff out. He was giving me the rundown of what he thought of everyone’s costumes.
“Why did you leave so early? You and Caroline keep disappearing on me,” he said, taking a bite of his sandwich.
“Oh, ummm, Caroline wasn’t feeling well,” I stammered, trying to think of a good excuse besides ‘it was fine.’ He looked at me like I was crazy.
“You guys are the healthiest people I know. You are never sick and now you’ve both been sick twice, leaving things early? You need to clean your apartment or something.” Smiling at me, he took another bite.
“I’ll make sure we get more Vitamin C,” I laughed.
“Your costume was perfect last night, by the way. James cleaned up nice, too.” He set his food down and looked up at me. “So, what’s going on with you guys?”
“Nothing,” I said, not wanting to bring up the James topic, when we had been doing a great job of having fun.
“Nothing? It seemed like there was something last night,” he said with an immensely full mouth from his previous chomp.
He winked at me, which made me kick him under the table. There was something about the way he kept at it that caught me off guard, though.
“No, nothing. It isn’t going to work.” He must have heard the back off tone in my voice, because he dropped the subject.
He gave me the run-down of movies that were showing. We were seeing one of his action movies and then one of my chick flicks. We had a blast at the movie theater. He loved his movie and hated mine and I conceded to loving both. We then headed back to his house. This had been a perfect idea, I thought. A distraction to keep my mind off … nope, not even going to think the word. I smiled to myself.
“Want dinner? I was going to make something for fun.” Riley was an amazing cook.
Good looking and a great cook, it wasn’t fair, really. Some girl someday was going to have quite a prize on her hands.
“Yes please! Otherwise I’ll be forced into reheated pasta or Ramen tonight.” He sighed heavily.
“You need help. What would you do without me?” I looked up at him.
I honestly didn’t know. Why didn’t I have feelings for Riley? He would never mess with me. He wouldn’t lead me on, and then then ditch me. Although, that would mean he would have to have feelings like that for me in the first place. Which just wasn’t possible at this point. He was warm, caring, athletic, kind of smart, he could cook, and he took school seriously. Why did nothing ever happen between us? I just smiled at him and shook my head.
“What would I do indeed?”
“Ariya, do you need to talk more about James? You seem sad. I dropped it earlier, but you’re still in a funk. I can tell, so don’t lie to me. You can come to me with anything, you know.” He stopped walking and took me by the arm while he spoke.
His eyes pleaded with me. He had said so many times when I was going through things with guys that he hated seeing me upset.
“I know, I’m sorry. I just…” I trailed off trying to get my thoughts together enough to explain. “After he kissed me at your party, I figured that meant something, but clearly it didn’t. He told me it was a mistake this morning when I asked him about it. Now, he’s being a bit standoffish and I don’t understand what I did wrong. He claims nothing, but normally I have at least some sort of an idea of what happened. But right now, I have nothing. Things hadn’t even really picked up, they were just warming up, so I don’t know what I could have done.” That was only partly true.
In my current state, I could see that James’ situation was difficult. What I couldn’t see was why he would kiss me if he wasn’t ever planning on being together long-term. I didn’t want to be a vampire, but the fact that he couldn’t ever see turning me should have been enough to stop acting like something was there.
“It’s never anything you do wrong. Trust me. We’ve been through this how many times? It isn’t you. These guys you pick are idiots.” He was working hard to convince me and make me feel better, like he always did when I needed the pieces picked up.
“I don’t know why I just have such horrible taste in men, you know? Every time I get involved with someone, it ends poorly. I’m a magnet for the disasters of dating.” I smiled, thinking of how this would be the umpteenth disaster of dating I’d been through.
“Oh I know Ariya, trust me. Every story you tell me makes me want to shake you and just…” He trailed off, distracted by his thought.
“And just what Riley – make me see I’m a stupid girl?” I laughed, but Riley had gotten serious. His serious turn in the conversation alarmed me, because I wasn’t sure where he was going with it.
“Come on, let’s get you inside, and filled up before I send you on your way.”
The seriousness faded and he threw his arm around my shoulders, back to his joking self. He left it there all the way back to his place and I didn’t mind. Riley could always comfort me.
We walked in and he got me a beer. Pointing to the counter, he told me to sit while he started cooking. He was so graceful to watch moving around the kitchen. When he concentrated, he got a little crinkle above his right eye that Caroline and I tended to tease him about and tried to impersonate.
“You’re staring,” he said smiling, but not looking up from his work.
“I had to study the crinkle to figure out why Caroline and I can’t get it down,” I said, kicking my leg out at him. Riley turned swiftly and grabbed my leg before I could actually land the kick on him.
He was facing me, standing right in front of me, and instead of letting go of my leg, he moved his hand up towards my knee. As he got closer to me, I was reminded of the beach. Riley always smelled like the beach. I think it was his cologne. It was a calming and comforting scent. I was waiting for him to say something funny, but the look on his face was one I couldn’t remember ever seeing on him before.
“You know, there’s something I’ve always wondered about.”
“Oh, and what’s that?” I asked it sarcastically, but he didn’t back away after coming up close to me.
I looked into his green eyes that were always so captivating. He really was extremely attractive. This was starting to get intimate, and part of me wanted to stop, but the other part loved the attention. What is wrong with you, Ariya?
He brushed my hair behind my ear and slowly leaned in and kissed me. His kiss was soft. He didn’t pull me closer or try to be more forceful with me. It wasn’t the passionate kiss I had shared with James, but it wasn’t horrible, either. It was soft and warm. Just as I had thought he was earlier.
When I didn’t pull away immediately, he wrapped his arm behind me and slid my body off the counter easily. He stopped the momentum from having me fall quickly with his body and it caused me to shiver as I slowly slid down the length of him. He didn’t break the kiss the entire time. Oh my gosh! Stop, Ariya! I screamed at myself internally. I had to stop this. As I pulled away, my mind begged him no
t to have hurt feelings. I didn’t know how to react to his kiss. I certainly had not been expecting this turn of events.
“Riley, I…” I what? I was caught off guard and had no idea what I wanted to say to him.
“I have a lot going on right now, and you’re my best friend and I don’t want to ruin anything and…” Words were pouring out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop talking. “You know I wasn’t expecting this…”
Why did he have to kiss me now? We were just friends. I needed him as my friend right now. He was supposed to be my normal, the rock to pull me back to the reality I so desperately wanted to cling to.
“Ariya, why do you always call me? When you’re sad or when something is wrong, you call me. You say I’m your best friend. I’m always there for you. I don’t think you think I’m unattractive. We have fun together. How could you be so surprised that I would think something could be here?”
He still hadn’t backed away from me and I noticed that I hadn’t backed away, either. My body was betraying what I was saying to him. What was wrong with me? I pushed away out of his embrace completely, trying to make it clear that this was something I couldn’t do.
“Riley, I told you. There is a lot going on for me right now and I need what we have now. I need your friendship the way I’ve had for the last three years.”
“Well, I don’t want to be friends. I’m in love with you, Ariya.” My eyes instantly got wide.
Oh no. Caroline was right. My heart sank. I wanted him to take it back. That could happen, right? We could go back if it was quick enough, and it would be like it had never been said. This couldn’t be playing out like this right now. Of all the timing flaws, why did everything have to come crashing down around me now?
“No you aren’t, Riley, you just need a girl you can focus on. That’s all it is. Don’t be silly.”
“Don’t act like I can’t figure out my own feelings, Ariya. I’ve been in love with you since freshman year. I thought I’d be a gentleman and be patient with you and let you see our friendship grow into something more, but you aren’t getting it. I don’t want to date anyone else. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I want to be with you. What could possibly be so wrong about us trying to be together? I wouldn’t treat you like these other guys you seem to fall so hard and fast for.”
Part of me knew he was right because it was a thought I’d had myself just moments ago. I wasn’t ready for that, though. I wasn’t in the right place and I hadn’t thought of anything between us like that until this year. Oh, this stupid year! Why was everything happening all at once like this?
“I can’t. Riley, I’m sorry, I just can’t.” First James says it to me and now I was saying it to Riley.
This must be what James feels for me, I thought. He thinks I’m wonderful, but he isn’t in love with me. It was the same way I felt about Riley. I wanted to feel something for him. It would be perfect to just tell him he was right. If I were smart, I would have feelings for him.
He was, after all, the person I had turned to for years, besides Caroline. I let guys who didn’t deserve me come along, and I fell hard and fast, just like he said. Here was a guy who had never come close to letting me down in all the time I had known him. Maybe he was right. I needed him. What if this was the only way to have him? It’s not like I didn't love him. For heaven’s sake, many relationships were based on much less than solid foundations like friendship, honesty, and trust. Heck, I’d probably even fall for him if we did decide to do this. What’s not to love about him?
I immediately stopped myself from the train of thought I was on. I was vulnerable. Anything I did with Riley, I’d be thinking of James, and that wasn’t fair. Who knows what I’d feel once I got over James, but for now, I wouldn’t use Riley, and I just couldn’t bear hurting him. If something was ever going to happen, it had to be because we both truly were in a good enough place. I was too overwhelmed with my feelings for James and everything else happening in my life, so now was definitely not a time to open up and try something with Riley.
More importantly, he would be in danger around me with Devon on the loose. That was a risk that I couldn’t take. The look in his eyes was starting to show pain. I wanted so badly to be able to take it away. I hated hurting him.
“I’m not in a place to try this, Riley. I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
“I can’t be your friend then, not right now, at least. I need some distance, Ariya. It’s always been you for me. I’ve been on dates that I’ve left early to come take care of you or make you feel special. I can’t keep doing that if there isn’t a future here. I deserve to find someone who will love me back.” The pain in his voice was evident, which made the inside of me feel like it was crumbling.
It didn’t matter what I had said as long as the answer was no, he was going to be hurting. The tears pooling in my eyes released themselves and it took everything in me not to flat out sob.
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but please don’t stop being my friend. I need you. I know it’s selfish. Please don’t say we can’t be friends.” I hadn’t gone a minute of college without his support, and now I needed him more than ever before.
“I need you to need me as more than a friend though, Ariya. Who knows, maybe you’ll realize how great we’d be together if we had some space.”
I couldn’t take it. Riley was always the person I went to, and he needed space from me. He needed a break from me. I had been hurting him this whole time without even realizing it. I had to step back and see that it was the only fair thing to do. I could handle whatever came on my own for now. We’d be friends again, and I would give him the space he needed.
“Okay,” I nodded. “Okay, Riley.” I walked up to him, kissed his cheek, and started to head out of his house. He grabbed my arm gently.
“Ariya, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s not forever. I just need some time right now.”
He brought his thumb up to my face to try to wipe the tears away. “I don’t want to make you cry,” he whispered.
I smiled through the tears, “It’s okay, Riley. I understand.”
I turned away and left my best friend in his kitchen as I headed back to my apartment. Back to the unbelievable. Further away from reality.
Chapter 9
It had been a week since I found out about vampires and since Riley told me he needed space. James was completely distant. After our fight, I knew that I shouldn’t bring up anything romantic, but now we weren’t even speaking. I thought we had started as friends at least and would go back to being that, but now we were strangers.
Courage came to me before class one day. I had been wallowing and it was wearing me out. Being weak wasn’t really something that was enjoyable to me.
"You're so different now,” I said, leaning over to him.
His expression showed just how surprised he was that I was speaking. Geez, had I been that bad while giving them the silent treatment? Yes, I thought to myself. Yes, I had.
“Why did you even bother trying to be my friend this year if you were just going to turn it off at some point?" Being friends wasn't exactly the most recent development, but it was all I could manage covering at this point.
"This is how it should always have been. You weren’t supposed to know I even existed, Ariya." His voice was stern, which caused me to instinctively lean away from him out of shock.
"Whose fault is it that I know you do exist? You’re in class next to me, James! I didn’t follow you in here. That's my point," I said more softly now. "You decided to bust into my life and now you're just going to waltz right out. It may not matter to you, but I don't like losing people."
It was a pathetic lie compared to how I really felt. I felt like there was suddenly a hole somewhere inside me. A hole James left, one Riley left, one they all left in me when they decided to bring me into this world, but still leave out details that could help me.
"I misjudged the situation, Ariya. It is my fault entirely. You’re r
ight. I’m so, so sorry. However, this is for the best. You'll see that soon." He reached out to take my hand, but I pulled it back.
He couldn't touch me. It would be too much. I went back to leaning the opposite way in my chair. All right, Ariya, I thought to myself, enough now. It’s time to get over this ridiculous obsession.
At that moment, I decided that I did not want to know any more about vampires and whatever world Caroline, Nick, and James were living in. I’m sure they could care less that I had stopped asking questions, anyway, seeing as they didn’t want to tell me any more about what was going on. I had been walking around like a zombie. Oh man, did they exist, too?
Caroline was worried about me. I could tell. When I had come home from Riley’s, it was easy to see I had been crying. At first she probably thought it was about James, since I hadn’t told them where I was going. Someone had probably followed me, but no one said a word about my running out. But, then when she asked if I wanted to go with her to Riley’s this weekend, I burst into tears and told her what had happened.
“I don’t know why I’m crying so much. Once yes, we know I’m emotional, but I can’t stop. I’m extremely sad or extremely angry all the time and I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me.”
Caroline rubbed my back. “You’ve had a lot come at you lately. Just try to relax. Knowing we’re vampires hasn’t changed everything, right? I’m still here. You can talk to me.” She was trying so hard. I just nodded.
She was wrong about one thing, though. It had changed everything. Classes with James that week had been torture. He still sat next to me, but it was in utter silence. Not once did he glance my way. He was just there. The pain in my broken heart was constant. I had finally let someone in, and I got slapped in the face for it.
I had tried to ask Caroline why he didn’t leave, but she said something off the wall and then changed the subject. They weren’t going to tell me anything, and apparently, James being here had something to do with this other secret I wasn’t being let in on.
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