by Glover, Dan
“What happens then?”
“I ask my dad to please turn the horse around… to ride the other way. I’m afraid. I don’t want to go any closer to the ghost. I see darkness up ahead on the path that we’re riding on even though the sun is shining and the sky is blue. I’m getting colder. I know I’m going to fall into the darkness. I know it. Please stop, I say… something bad is going to happen if we keep going.”
“Does he stop? Does he turn the horse around?”
“No… he says not to be a baby. He says there’s nothing to be afraid of. I think he rides on just to show me how he’s not afraid. When we get closer, the ghost reaches out and grabs me. It freezes my heart. I feel it stop beating in my chest. I hear a voice telling me to come along and all the fun I’ll have if I go.
"The voice makes it sounds as if I have a choice but I don’t… I have to go. I look at my dad to try to tell him the ghost has me but I can’t talk. My dad looks scared and makes the horse turn and gallop away. But I’m not with my dad anymore. I’m with the ghost. I scream for my dad to come back but my voice sounds like the screech a little animal might make just before its devoured. That’s when I wake up.”
“That’s a pretty scary dream, young fellow. I’d scream too.”
“Sometimes, I don’t know if I’m awake or not, Mr. Sometimes I think I’m dreaming even when I’m awake. Does that happen to you too, Mr.?”
“All the time.”
“I thought so.”
The little boy named Johnny had a look on his face that Billy remembered seeing somewhere before. It was half way between pain and pleasure.
“I better be quiet now so I don’t wake my mom. Goodbye.”
He disappeared from sight before Billy could answer him back. He closed his eyes to try and sleep. Billy sensed the bus was slowing down. He opened his eyes to look out the window. It had grown so dark Billy sensed that he must have dozed off. A gibbous moon rolled on its side peered over the horizon bulbous and orange with a mottled face that seemed to be leering at him.
Billy sniffed at a change in the air… a scent he was unfamiliar with. The bus had turned off the Interstate highway on which they’d been traveling west onto a two-lane highway before resuming speed once again.
“What’s your name, Mr.?”
The voice came from the seat in front of him. Johnny’s face peered at him in the darkness illuminated by the moonlight streaming through the window. He looked like the meadow ghost from the dream he described earlier.
“Billy Austin… what’s yours?”
“Johnny Travis. We’re going to live by the ocean. Where are you going? Are you visiting someone? Or are you going to stay?”
“I’m not sure where I’m going just yet… I want to see the ocean. After that, I guess I’ll figure out what happens next.”
“Have you ever seen the ocean before?”
“No… I never have. But I feel like it’s part of me already... I remember when I was your age when I heard the wind whistling through the treetops back where I used to live I would make believe it was the same sound the ocean made. That’s why I’m on this bus… I felt like I had to see the ocean, and to hear it. Have you ever seen it?”
“No, I haven’t seen the ocean either… it kind of scares me… I know there are things in the dark water, way down deep… shadows that I can’t see but I know they’re there, like the ghost in my dream watching me. I didn’t want to come. My mom made me… my mom is taking me to meet a man she says is going to be my new dad. She says we’re going to live in a town called Little River.”
“What happened to your real dad?”
“He left one day and never came back.”
Johnny shrugged his shoulders as he turned his head to look out the window at the rising moon.
“Sometimes I think it was because I did bad things and he got tired of putting up with it.”
“Like what? What kind of bad things did you do?”
“I peed in my bed like a little baby. I remember him hollering at me for that. I would dream I was in the bathroom peeing in the toilet but then I would wake up in bed. I couldn’t understand how I got from the bathroom to my bed and my sheets would be wet and smelly.
"Once I really was in the bathroom and I used too much toilet paper and clogged the toilet so it overflowed and he had to fix it. He was really mad because there was water all over the floor.
"Another time I threw a ball and broke a window. My friend was supposed to catch it but he didn’t. My dad had to fix it. He cut his finger on the glass and yelled at me that it was my fault. I didn’t know how to fix the window; otherwise I would have done it before he found out about it. Maybe I would have cut myself instead.”
“I used to do the same things when I was little. I don’t think your father left because of that. All little boys do those things. I bet your dad did them too when he was little. He probably left because he had problems of his own… maybe problems with your mother. Adults sometimes get mad for no reason.
"My dad left us too. He said he was going to the store and he never came back home. The only thing he left us was an old bible filled with photographs and a lot of bills my mother couldn’t pay. Now my mother is dead and I have the bible. It isn’t worth anything but it has pictures in it from when I was little.”
“Can I see it?”
“I’m sorry but it’s locked away in my suitcase under the bus. Otherwise I’d show it to you.”
“Did your mom find you a new dad?”
“No… she prayed to God that my real dad would come home to us again. We didn’t have any money so we had to move after that. Sometimes we didn’t have a place to stay. We had to sleep in her car. I told her that I was afraid someone would break into it and hurt us. She told me to lie very still so no one would see us inside.”
“I’m afraid of what’s going to happen, too. I mean, once we get to where we’re going… I wish I didn’t have to come with.”
“Of what… what are you afraid is going to happen?”
“I’m scared of my new dad… he told my mother that he’s going to straighten me out. My mother said to just wait… that he will take his belt off when I’m bad. My real dad never did that. He’d get mad and yell at me but he never spanked me. I think she means my new dad will hit me with the belt until I’m good. And what if I don’t know how to be good?”
“Act like you’re not there.”
Billy remembered his own father and the rages that the man was prone to.
“If you’re not there, you can’t do anything bad. And when he hits you it won’t hurt. That’s what I used to do when my dad was mean to me.”
“I’ll try that. Thanks, Billy.”
“You’re welcome, Johnny… better get some sleep now.”
“Okay… Billy?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you… I mean for listening… I know I’m just a kid. Most adults never listen to kids.”
“Can you keep a secret, Johnny?”
“I’ll try…”
“I’m just a kid too. I look big but I’m really just a kid. And I’m all alone. At least you have your mom with you. It’s good to have a mom.”
“Aren’t you scared? Aren’t you scared to be all alone?”
“Terrified… but I don’t let anyone see. I act like I’m a big person and pretty soon everyone treats me that way.”
“I’m going to try that too. You should live in Little River too… I mean, since you said you’re not sure where you’re going. Then maybe we might see each other once in a while,” Johnny said.
“Little River seems as good a place as any to live… is it close to the ocean?”
“My mother says it’s right on the ocean.”
“Little River it will be, then,” Billy said, deciding to get off there and look for work.
“Billy, don’t forget… you’re not really alone, even though it might seem like it.”
“What do you mean?”
“You have your bible.�
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“You’re right, Johnny. I do have that. I’m glad I have it.”
“Me too… I’m glad you have it too. Goodnight, Billy.”
“Goodnight, Johnny.”
It felt good to have finally settled on a plan.
Chapter 11—Loving Lisa
Allison adored seeing Lisa each afternoon when she arrived at work.
She found herself leaving earlier and earlier each day sometimes turning up an hour before her shift started just to see the person who had blossomed into the love of her life. Lisa worked the morning and early afternoon shift while Allison worked during the late afternoon and evening. It meant they didn’t get to see much of each other at home and she missed that.
Her mother Maura had introduced Allison to Jamie not long after dad had died. Although she expected to be meeting a man she was delighted when Jamie turned out to be a woman. Maura and Jamie reminded Allison of a couple teenagers finding their first loves. She often wondered what they saw in each other.
Now she knew.
The moment she pulled into the parking lot needing a drink and she saw Lisa sitting on a picnic table behind the tavern she had been smitten with her. The feelings she had for Lisa sometimes threatened to overwhelm her. Allison had to force herself not to kiss and fondle Lisa while lying in bed with her the other night when her friend awoke screaming. Though she sensed Lisa felt the same way for her, Allison didn’t want to overstep the boundaries that her friend had erected.
"You know I love you, right?"
Allison regretted the words as soon as they were out of her mouth but there was no taking them back. She rationalized that she was drunk; Lisa wouldn't remember what was said come the morning.
She heard the heartache in Lisa's words as she stammered a reply, something about giving her some time; she might be in love with Allison too but she just wasn’t sure how she felt.
She wondered how her mother and Jamie had overcome the taboo of loving someone of the same sex. All her life Allison had envisioned marrying a handsome and rich man who would woo her and court her, giving her all she desired. The feelings she had for Lisa were counter to the whole carefully constructed façade that Allison had visualized for herself.
"Hi sweetie!"
Lisa beamed at her as Allison walked into the tavern an hour before her shift began. If she hadn’t been carrying a tray of drinks and everyone watching them Allison would have walked up to her, kissed her deeply, and hugged her close.
"Hi lover."
Allison blew Lisa a kiss before realizing the men at a nearby table must surely have overheard her words. Fuck them, she thought to herself. The bastards all did their level best to get into her pants for months after she had started working at Twenty Nine Katz. Maybe if they knew her feelings for Lisa they'd leave her alone.
'Be right back,' Lisa mouthed as she hurried to deliver the tray to table nine.
"You want drink?"
"I would love a drink, Yelena, thank you!"
"You and Lisa, you are in love."
It was a statement, not a question.
"Yes, very much in love, at least I am."
Allison admitted her feelings to her friend as she felt her face flush at being noticed. She knew better than to hide anything from Yelena. The old Gypsy woman spooked her at first but as Allison came to know her better she found herself relying more and more on her wisdom and her curse, as she called it.
"Will anything ever come of my love for Lisa, Yelena?"
"Have another drink, my friend."
Yelena filled Allison's tumbler with a double shot of vodka before filling her own as well.
"You must have patience. You and Lisa will be together many years."
"How do you know that?"
"Anyone with eyes can see this. Each time you walk into tavern Lisa lights up. Something is holding her back from showing her true feelings. You must be loving to her, Allison. She needs you more than she knows. Here, have another drink."
"You're the only one I know who drinks as much as I do."
Allison laughed, clinking glasses with Yelena before draining her drink.
"Oh, Allison! You are waiting just like me! This I can see."
"Waiting for what? What are we waiting for, Yelena?"
"You will know that soon. Now, how about another drink?"
She couldn’t keep her eyes off Lisa. It didn’t bother Allison that an entire room full of men were sitting and watching her ogle her friend. What upset her was how she felt so powerlessly in love and yet totally unable to bring herself to announce that passion to the one person it was directed to.
Allison grew up in a traditional home, if a mansion in Malibu Hills could be considered traditional. Her father and her mother both worked long arduous hours so she was raised primarily by the housekeeper and schooled in the finer things of life by her brother Alex.
"I'd like you to meet someone, Allison."
Her father had been dead for three years. She was happy her mother was moving on with her life but Allison couldn’t seem to get that terrible screeching sound out of her ears... the noise a car makes when it tumbles over a half dozen times finally coming to rest on its top.
She assumed it would be another man. Her mother had been acting strangely of late... like a schoolgirl with her first crust. Still, it didn’t surprise Allison when a woman met them at the upscale restaurant.
"Allison, please meet Jamie... Jamie, this is my daughter Allison."
An older sort of lady... her mother's age, no doubt... Jamie was a friendly sort. Allison found herself liking her immediately. Though she had her suspicions, she wasn’t sure exactly what was going on until she spied her mother and Jamie holding hands under the table.
"Are you and Jamie lovers?"
"Would it bother you if we were, Allison?"
What puzzled Allison was how a woman could be with a man for twenty some years like her mother was with her father and then start a relationship with a woman. It didn’t bother her so much as it mystified her.
"No, mother, of course not. As long as you're happy, I'm happy. I like Jamie."
"Don’t ask me how it happened, Allison, but I'm in love with her. I know what you must be thinking but I'm not a closet lesbian. I've always been with men. There's something about Jamie that I can't describe. I can't get enough of her. Would you mind terribly if I invited her to dinner next weekend?"
Now, Allison understood what her mother must have been going through... the denial, the mistrust of her own feelings, and the awful ways the cultural mores of society had of putting same gender lovers under a magnifying glass.
Even after Jamie moved in with them, neither woman would call themselves lesbians. They laughed and flirted and made love all the while pretending what they were doing was perfectly natural.
To Allison, it was. She had never felt anything toward another woman either. She was attracted to boys at first and then to men. But when Lisa came into her life, all that went right out the window and she finally understood her mother.
Chapter 12—Going Home
He finally got it right.
“Hello, Billy… congratulations. You’re well enough that you no longer have to stay here with us. I have some papers for you to sign and then you’re free to leave. You're going home.”
Going home… ominous words, those.
So much time passed he no longer had a home to go to. He imagined time spent in an institution would do that to anyone. Everything he once possessed had evaporated: family, friends, wife, money... like he'd been to war. Doctor Grimes explained to him when someone was institutionalized like Billy they were forced to exhaust their own resources before the government stepped in to pay for their care.
Those resources were spent. By law, they had to give him a hundred dollars and a bus ticket anywhere he wished to go. So with a hundred dollar bill in his pocket he took the bus ticket and he rode that Greyhound bus all the way west until the sea stopped it and he could go no farther.
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br /> The bus coughed to a stop in the town of Little River around mid-morning. Remembering Johnny's words, it seemed a good place to get off. Billy waited in a line with other people while the driver retrieved their luggage before handing him his single battered suitcase from the underbelly of the bus. He noticed little Johnny and his mother getting into a car before driving away.
The man behind the wheel of the car seethed for all to see, angry at the world. Billy wondered if the man was the ghost that Johnny dreamed would reach out to touch him… if the little boy would wake up screaming tonight. Johnny raised a hand to Billy so he waved back. As the car drove away Billy had the odd sensation that he switched places with the boy; now he looked out the window in the back seat of the car, peering out at the future… at his destiny… to become a derelict drifter with no home and no one to love.
Not knowing what else to do, he started walking, his feet crunching in the chert lining the outer edge of the winding asphalt ribbon of blue road until he came to a brown building hugging the sea on his left-hand side. Billy put his suitcase down in the parking lot. His arm was sore from carrying it. He sat on it while he lighted a cigarette from the pack he purchased back in town. He noticed beer signs waving on poles in front of the building and smaller signs in the windows he couldn’t read from where he sat.
The tavern seemed to welcome him. It was painted a new penny red on the outside with the trim around the windows and the doors painted a rusty cream color. Billy noticed some of the lap-siding had been replaced recently, especially near the bottom where a salty mist might sometimes creep up from the ocean rotting out the boards.
The sunshine yellowed the sky and a chilly December wind blew in from the sea laden with scents both welcome and unfamiliar. He got to his feet, flicked away his cigarette butt, took up his suitcase, and walked around back of the building to where he could hear the ocean rushing up on the shoreline.
