by Joan Jonker
‘I’m only asking you to think about it.’
It was the pleading in Harry’s voice that told her she had to put an end to this madness. ‘I can’t marry you! I don’t love you, and even if I did I couldn’t marry you!’
‘Because of the baby, Mary?’
Mary gasped as though she’d been slapped in the face. ‘Did Eileen tell you?’
When he shook his head, she cried, ‘If you know, what in God’s name are you asking me to marry you for? You should be running miles away from me!’
‘I’m here because I want to marry you and because I want to help you.’
‘And put up with all the gossip from neighbours, and your mates in work?’
‘I don’t owe any of them anything.’ Harry’s voice was stronger now. ‘Nobody worries me, only you. I want to help you and look after you.’
‘I don’t need your pity!’ Mary hurled the words across the room. ‘And I don’t want to marry you!’
Harry hung his head. ‘I don’t pity you, Mary. I love you!’
‘But I don’t love you! You don’t seem to understand I’m carrying Bob’s baby!’
‘That’s why I’m asking you now. Otherwise I would have waited and tried to court you.’ He looked deep into her eyes. ‘We could get married soon, and I’d be able to give you a hand with everything. I get a good wage and I’ve got a few bob in the bank, so you’d want for nothing.’
‘D’you think I’d marry you for money! No, thanks, Harry; I’ve still got some pride left. I’ve made me bed, and I’ll just have to lie on it.’ Mary closed her eyes to shut out the sadness on his face. Why am I shouting at him? she asked herself. Instead of being disgusted, he’s come to ask me to marry him, and all I’m doing is shouting at him. ‘I’m sorry! You’ll make someone a fine husband, but you deserve better than me.’
‘As far as I’m concerned, there is no one better than you! That’s how I’ve always felt, and I’ll never change. So will you at least think about it?’
‘No, Harry!’ Mary shook her head vigorously. ‘I made up me mind when Bob got killed that I’ll never get married, because I could never love anyone like I loved him.’
‘There are different kinds of love, Mary. I wouldn’t expect you to feel the same about me as you did about Bob. But I do think you could come to care for me.’ When she seemed about to protest, Harry lifted his hand. ‘You say you’ll never love anyone again, so why not marry someone who understands this and is willing to accept it? At least the baby would have a father.’
‘But it’s not your baby! It’s mine and Bob’s!’
Harry pressed his knuckles to his eyes as he stood up. ‘I’m just asking you to think it over, and have a word with your mam.’
‘I’m not telling me mam!’ Mary faced him. ‘She’d have a fit!’
‘She wouldn’t, you know, because I’ve already told her.’ Although his voice was low, to Mary it was like the exploding of a bomb. ‘You’ve what!’ she shouted. ‘When did you see me mam?’
‘I’ve just been to the hospital, and they let me see her for a few minutes.’ Harry ran his tongue over lips dry with nerves. ‘I’ve got a lot of respect for your mam, and I thought it only right to tell her.’
Mary’s nostrils flared. ‘You had no right to see me mam before asking me! If you’ve upset her I’ll never forgive you!’
Walking towards the door without a backward glance, Harry said, ‘Don’t worry, your mam wasn’t upset.’
Elsie Smith heard the slam of the Bradshaws’ door and waited for Harry’s figure to pass the window. Her eyes were like slits; her thin lips pressed into a tight, straight line. ‘There’s something fishy going on next door. Harry Sedgemoor’s never away from Mary’s these days, and it’s not proper with her being in the house on her own.’
Fred sighed, but didn’t look up from the paper he was reading. He didn’t need to see his wife to know exactly what she’d look like. Her arms would be folded across her thin chest, and there’d be a mean look on her face. ‘Don’t you ever tire of pulling people to pieces? You never have a good word to say about anybody; but I never thought even you would say anything bad about young Mary.’
‘No; she looks like an angel, doesn’t she? But you mark my words, there’s something goin’ on between her and Harry Sedgemoor.’
Fred sighed as he raised his head to see the vindictiveness in her eyes. She was his wife, and she’d borne him the two sons he idolised, but there were times when he almost hated her. People remarked about how thin she was, but Fred would have used another word to describe his wife. The word was narrow! Everything about her was narrow … particularly her mind. It was because of her bad mindedness they had no friends. People didn’t want to be listening to gossip all the time. Especially when they knew that as soon as their back was turned they would be the target of her wicked tongue.
‘I’m sorry I’m late, Mam! Did you think I wasn’t coming?’
‘Don’t worry, lass! I know you’ve got your hands full.’
‘How’s the treatment going?’ Mary was out of breath with running from the bus stop. ‘Are you still winning?’
Martha searched her daughter’s face. She didn’t answer the question because she had one of her own that wouldn’t wait. ‘Did Harry come?’
‘Yes! He had no right to come and see you, and I told him so!’
‘He had every right to come and see me, and I respect him for it! He’s a good man, Mary, as straight and honest as they come. You could do a lot worse than marry Harry Sedgemoor.’
‘Mam, I don’t believe this is happening! Bob’s only been dead a couple of weeks! Am I just supposed to forget all about him? He’s never out of me mind, I’m crying over him all the time, and you expect me to marry someone else!’
‘Lass, I know, and I understand. Bob’s in my mind all the time as well, because he was like a son to me.’ Martha sighed. ‘But it’s the baby I’m thinking of. She’ll be illegitimate, and you know how cruel people can be. If you married Harry, she’d have a father, and a name.’
‘But I can’t get married just to give the baby a name!’
‘I’m not going to try and talk you into anything you don’t want, but I am going to ask you to think hard on what life’s going to be like for you and the baby. I’m not going to be any help to you, and I’m worried how you’ll manage. Harry knows you don’t love him … he told me so. But he must love you very much, otherwise he wouldn’t want to take on another man’s baby. And many marriages have survived on respect.’ Another sigh escaped before Martha went on. ‘If you are to get married, I would rather it was Harry Sedgemoor than anyone else because I know he’d be good to you.’
‘It wouldn’t work out, Mam! Apart from the way I feel, what about his mam and dad? They’d go mad when they found out I was pregnant!’
‘I asked him about that, because of course they’d be upset; they wouldn’t be normal if they weren’t. But Harry said he thinks they’d come round, in time.’
‘It’s no good talking about it, Mam! I just couldn’t do it!’
‘All right, lass! It’s your life, and anything you do is fine by me. I was only thinking about what was best for you and the baby.’
For once Mary was glad when the bell went. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Mam.’ She didn’t see the disappointment in Martha’s eyes as she bent to kiss her. She wasn’t to know that since Harry’s visit, Martha had been building her hopes on her daughter appreciating what he was offering. Now those hopes had been dashed. What worried her was that Mary was so naive she had no idea what life would be like as an unmarried mother. No idea of the shame when she had to face neighbours, or when strangers asked her about her husband. Still, it was Mary’s life, and she couldn’t live it for her!
‘I’ve had the feet walked off me.’ The legs on the kitchen chair wobbled as Eileen twisted round to stick her two feet out. ‘Just look at the state of them! They look like ham shanks … if yer can remember what ham shanks looked like!’
&
nbsp; ‘Where did you end up going?’ Mary was agitated inside. She’d have to tell Eileen about Harry before they left for work in case he told her himself. But where to start?
‘The kids wanted to go to New Brighton.’ Eileen swivelled round again. ‘Our Edna had never been on a boat, and when Billy mentioned it, well, that was that! She’ll get her own way, if it kills her!’ Eileen was shaking her head but pride was written all over her face. ‘She’s two years younger than Joan, but she can knock spots off her for brains. She’s nearly as tall as her, too! She had one of our Joan’s hand-me-down dresses on today, and it was up to her arse.’
Mary sat on her hands to keep them still. ‘Did you have a nice time?’
‘The kids enjoyed it, because they didn’t know any different. But it saddened me. Everywhere yer look there’s sand bags piled high, and along the beach there’s signs warnin’ yer about bombs and mines. Not a bit like the old days when the shore was full of people on deck chairs and lickin’ ice creams. Still, the kids enjoyed it, and that’s what counts. They’ve been on holiday for weeks and the furthest they’d been till today was the back jiggers.’
‘You’ll be tired in work tonight,’ Mary said. ‘You’d have been better having an hour’s sleep than coming here early.’
‘I’ll need a couple of matchsticks to keep me eyes open.’ Eileen grinned. ‘Anyway, what have you been doing with yerself? How was yer mam?’
Mary lowered her head. ‘If I tell you something, will you promise not to laugh?’
‘How the hell can I promise that!? If it’s funny, then I’ll laugh!’
‘Harry called here today.’
‘Oh, aye! What did lover boy want?’
‘You won’t believe it.’ Mary could feel her face burning. ‘He asked me to marry him.’
Instead of the laugh she expected, Eileen said softly, ‘So he finally got round to it, did he?’
Mary’s brow creased. ‘You mean you knew he was going to?’
‘I knew he wanted to, but I didn’t think he’d have the guts.’
‘Well he needn’t have bothered!’ Mary ground the words out. ‘I think he had a flaming cheek, and I told him so.’
Eileen studied Mary’s face for a while before saying. ‘You’re pregnant with another man’s baby, and yer think Harry’s got a flamin’ cheek because he asked yer to marry him? It’s not Harry who’s got a flamin’ cheek, kid, it’s you!’
‘You’re as bad as me mam!’ Mary was close to tears. ‘You both knew Bob, and you both know how I felt about him! But to hear you both talk, he never existed! You’ve wiped him out of your minds! He’s dead now, so why don’t I marry Harry Sedgemoor!’
‘Haven’t yer stopped to ask yerself why me and yer mam are actin’ the way we are?’ Eileen’s voice was low. ‘We haven’t forgotten Bob! How could we? And if you weren’t expecting his baby, none of this would be happening. But you are expecting, kid, and that makes all the difference.’
‘But I can’t marry Harry just because I’m pregnant!’ Mary cried. ‘I thought you were supposed to get married for love!’
‘Most people do get married for love, kid. But in your case it’s a bit different, isn’t it? I think Harry Sedgemoor’s got guts to want to marry a girl who’s expectin’ another man’s baby. And what do you do? You spit in his face! I’d have thought he deserved better than that … but it’s your life, not mine.’
‘Yes, it is my life, and the … ’ Mary’s words petered out as Eileen held her hand up.
‘I’m not going to fall out with you over this, kid, but I wouldn’t be a friend if I didn’t try to warn yer about what lies ahead.’ Eileen searched for the right words. ‘You said yer were ashamed when yer went to the clinic because yer didn’t have a wedding ring on. Think a bit further ahead, when yer can’t hide it any more and yer’ve got to face the neighbours with their sly grins and their gossip. And you’re not the only one who’s got to face that … there’s your mam, too! I bet she’s lying in the ’ospital bed, right now, worrying about how you’re goin’ to manage to bring a baby up on yer own, ’cos she won’t be able to help.’ Eileen rubbed a hand across her eyes as though to clear her mind. ‘And what about the baby? What are yer going to tell her when she asks why she hasn’t got a daddy, like all her friends? And when she comes in cryin’ ’cos the other kids have been making fun of her, what are yer going to tell her?’ Eileen sighed. ‘I’m sorry, kid, but these things happen and I think yer should be warned. I just hope yer don’t live to rue the day yer turned Harry Sedgemoor away.’ She patted Mary’s hand before standing up. ‘I’ve got it all off me chest now, kid, an’ I won’t mention it again. So let’s get off to work.’
Mary’s nerves were frayed as she waited for Harry’s routine stop by her machine. She was filled with guilt and shame, and in her highly emotional state she blamed Harry for it all. She was so deep in rebellious thought she didn’t see him approaching, and she jumped when he spoke. ‘Everything all right, Mary?’ His question and his voice were the same as they were every day, and no one watching would have believed that only yesterday he’d asked her to marry him and she’d thrown the proposal back in his face.
‘Fine, Harry!’
He didn’t look any different, but when their eyes met briefly she saw an expression in his that she couldn’t put a name to. ‘That’s good.’ With those two words Harry turned on his heels and rounded the machine to where Eileen stood. ‘I suppose you know?’
Eileen shrugged her shoulders. ‘Not all the details, but, yeah, she did tell me.’
‘Did she tell you she did everything but throw me out?’
Eileen couldn’t understand why Harry wanted to marry someone who was carrying another man’s baby, but she did know he deserved better than the treatment Mary had dished out to him. ‘What can I say, Harry?’ A mischievous smile played around the corners of her mouth. ‘Except that if yer’d like to ask me, I’ll grab yer with both hands.’
Chapter Sixteen
Mary sat up with a start, her heart thumping. Beads of sweat ran down her neck as she woke from the same nightmare that had haunted her sleep for the last three days. Nightmares in which a little girl with the same colour hair as her own, sobbed, ‘Why haven’t I got a daddy?’ And the same little girl, with tears streaming down her face, being chased home from school by children who were taunting her.
Running a hand across her tummy, Mary fell back on the pillow. Tears escaped to run down her cheeks and she wiped them away with the corner of the sheet. Was it fair to let her mam and the baby suffer all their lives when, by marrying Harry Sedgemoor, she could spare them? Was she being selfish putting her own feelings first? What would Bob want her to do? Would he want their baby to have an unhappy life because of something they did? Mary swung her legs over the side of the bed. If she didn’t get a decent sleep soon, she’d be dropping. Her body felt leaden as she stumbled down the stairs, and when she was swilling her face in the kitchen sink and glanced in the small cracked mirror, she was horrified at the drawn face staring back at her. She was meeting Eileen at the shops at three o’clock and she was sorry now she’d agreed to go. If Eileen saw her looking like this she’d start asking questions.
‘Five pound of spuds, two pound of carrots and a turnip.’ Eileen grinned at the assistant behind the counter. ‘Oh, an’ a bunch of bananas.’
‘We’ll put the flags out when that day comes.’ The woman smiled back as she reached for Eileen’s basket. The war had put a stop to giving customers their groceries in paper bags. They either brought their own bags or carried their shopping home wrapped in newspaper brought in by customers. ‘One and three ha’pence, please.’
Eileen handed the right money over and followed Mary out of the shop. ‘Have yer got everything yer want, kid?’
‘I could do with butter and sugar, but I’ve used all me coupons so I’ll have to wait till the weekend.’
‘How the hell they expect us to manage on two ounces of butter a week I’ll never know! My lot
are in and out by the minutes askin’ for butties, an’ I only get half a pound a week between the four of us! It’s a good job I’m well in with Milly Knight, or we’d starve.’ Eileen stopped and put the heavy basket down. ‘Let’s have a breather. Me arms’ll be down to me knees by the time we get home with the weight of this.’ She looked closely at Mary. ‘Yer look pale, kid! Are yer gettin’ enough to eat?’ She lifted the heavy basket again. ‘Don’t forget yer eating for two.’
‘I get enough to eat.’ Mary fell into step beside her friend. ‘Clark Gable saves me a piece of fish every week that does me for two days, and I get me meat ration … such as it is. And I get a hot dinner in work nearly every day, don’t forget.’
‘There’s no goodness in canteen food, kid! It’s nourishment yer want, not punishment.’ Eileen puffed as she waddled along. ‘Yer look peaky to me.’
‘I don’t feel so good.’ Mary admitted. ‘I’m all mixed up inside.’
‘Want to talk about it, kid?’ The basket was lowered to the ground again. ‘Sometimes yer feel better if yer can get things off yer chest.’
Mary nodded. ‘If I don’t sort meself out soon, I’ll go crazy.’
‘I’ll call for yer tonight, and we can go to work together. If I come half-an-hour early, we can have a natter.’ Eileen assumed a solemn expression. ‘You know the consultation will cost you two guineas, don’t you, Modam? Har you sure you can hafford it?’
Mary responded by widening her eyes. ‘But that’s nearly a week’s wages!’
‘Worth hevery penny, I can hassure you! My services har very much sought hafter.’
‘D’you take weekly payments, or can I pay by Sturla’s cheque?’
‘A Sturla’s cheque will do nicely, thank you, Modam!’ The posh accent went as Eileen spluttered. ‘I can get our Billy a new pair of kecks on it!’
‘I’ll leave it to brew for a while.’ Mary slipped the knitted cosy over the pot and sat down. Leaning her elbows on the table she looked directly into Eileen’s eyes. ‘I keep thinking about what you said, and I’m frightened the baby will suffer because of me. She didn’t ask to be born, but she’s the one that’ll be hurt the most.’ Eileen was watching intently, but when she didn’t speak, Mary went on. ‘What do I tell her when she grows up?’ She was picking nervously at the skin round her nails and Eileen slapped her hand away.
