All I Have Left

by Shey Stahl

  She held another pair of heels in the air. I took the last pair off and tried to smack her with them.

  “Because you have to. Someone special will be there.” She wiggled the heels. “How about these ones?”

  I said nothing but nodded.

  My phone buzzed with a message from Shane, where he reminded me that he would be waiting for me when the concert was over.

  “Who was that?” Frankie asked digging through her make-up bag. Little did she know I already had make-up on. I had to.

  “Who do you think it was?”

  Frankie rolled her eyes. “He’s a prick, Evie.”

  “I know.”

  Frankie was constantly trying to set me up on dates. She knew damn well I was dating Shane but everyone I knew was trying to get me to break up with him. I couldn’t blame her on that one. If it was her dating someone like him, I’d be doing the very same thing.

  “Who’s this special person coming?”

  “Just relax, get dressed, and I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Frankie said, smiling. She disappeared for a moment and then five minutes later, returned with a bottle of tequila, limes, and my mom’s salt shaker.

  Now this was a plan I could work with!

  We took a few shots and then it dawned on me what she said. Something threw me off at the way she said special.

  The only person Frankie would be excited to see right now would be her younger brother, Grayson. But that would be impossible…he’d fallen off the radar once he joined the military.

  She would have told me if it was him though, I think. At least I hoped she would have because she knew how I would feel about seeing Grayson Gomez again.

  That name still gets me. It probably always will. Doesn’t matter who says it, my heart is in my stomach every time it’s said. I haven’t seen him in three years and part of me wondered if I ever would see him again.

  I could never let go of him. Sometimes I think we’re afraid to let go because we have this fear of going on without the person. That was me. I had that fear.

  On the outside, Grayson might have seemed like the perfect guy but on the inside he was just like every other guy with the same faults…but there were also a caring seductive side that lured you in. It lured me in very early on.

  We used to spend every minute together when we were kids, having lived next door to each other. My mom, Kathy, was a single mother when we moved here from North Carolina. Grayson’s parents, Wyatt and Julia, came over to see if she needed anything, and the rest is history. Grayson, Frankie, my twin brother Ethan and me became inseparable from that point on spending nearly every day at their house.

  My bedroom window faced Grayson’s and every night he or I would sneak out and climb into bed with each other. I know, very Dawson’s Creek right?

  But it’s not what you think, come on we were kids. Although once we became teenagers, that wasn’t entirely accurate.

  We were pretty young the first time I snuck in his window. I had a nightmare one night and couldn’t get my brother or mom up so I went next door and tapped on his window. He let me in and began to play the piano for me to put me to sleep. He may have only been eight years old, but he was an amazing piano player and his voice was as smooth as velvet. That became our nightly routine from that point on and continued until the day he left me.

  I remember all too well that night, the worst night of my entire life and exactly two weeks to the day from when he took my virginity and rode off like the little virginity thief that he was.

  It was graduation night for Grayson, Ethan and me. Everyone was at our friend’s lake house on Lake Tholocco celebrating. I had taken my boyfriend at the time, Chris. I know I just said Grayson stole my virginity and technically, if we want to get detailed about things, I had cheated on Chris with Grayson. But it gets worse. Just wait. It was a tangled web weaved that was constructed over two weeks that left three hearts broken.

  Chris and I weren’t serious by any means but we were dating, and we did go to prom together. I was sitting on the dock when I realized I hadn’t seen Grayson all night. I felt the void immediately. A presence I didn’t know I needed until it was gone.

  Usually he would have found us by now since we all hung out together. Keep in mind I was in love with Grayson but never told him. I didn’t feel like I could. Even after we had sex. It caused a lot of problems for my relationships that’s for sure.

  I’d made the decision to break things off with Chris, my heart, my body, and my soul belonged to Grayson but he was nowhere around. I wanted to tell him first before breaking the news to Chris but couldn’t track him down. I left to go find Chris and just get it over with. I never told him the cheating…I was already breaking his heart and the thought of rubbing it in his face that I’d slept with Grayson wasn’t my thing. I honestly liked Chris, just wasn’t in love with him. He took it better than I expected and we parted as friends.

  Later that night, I went over to Grayson’s window and climbed in, ready to tell him.

  And then my heart broke.

  Looking around the room, I realized most of his belongings were gone. All that remained was his furniture and piano in the corner of the room along with his vast music collection. I looked around wondering what could have happened when I saw a note on the piano. I walked over and gently picked it up.

  Evie, please read

  With shaking hands, I slowly opened the note that changed my life, a note that I still have under that photograph in my nightstand.

  I’m so fucking sorry. I will miss you with all my heart. Please forgive me.

  I must have read the note twenty times but that’s all it said. I immediately ran to Frankie’s room. I don’t think she ever knew that I slept in Grayson’s room most nights so when I opened the door to her room she jumped.

  “Where is he, Frankie?” I asked before even getting the door opened all the way.

  “Evie?” she asked as she jumped from her bed, slowly rubbing her eyes.

  “What the hell are you doing in here?” She still looked completely confused as to why I was in her room.

  “Where is he?”

  Frankie looked down as if she was going to cry. “Evie,” she whispered as tears started streaming down her face. “He’s gone.” Her hand reached up for me, I shrugged her off.

  “What do you mean he’s gone, where did he go?” I quipped my voice was trembling as I tried to grasp the concept of my best friend leaving without saying anything to me.

  “Grayson…joined the military…the Army,” she mumbled. “He shipped out an hour ago.”

  “What? Why didn’t he tell me?” I screeched back, instantly regretting how loud my voice was. I didn’t want to wake Wyatt and Julia. My hand covered my mouth for a moment and then I asked, again, “Why?”

  “He thought it would be too hard on hi—” she caught herself. “You. He thought it would be too hard on you.” More tears streamed down her face. Quickly she looked away from my horrified expression focusing on her hands instead.

  I crumbled to the floor beside her bed. Frankie caught me in her arms and held me all night as we both cried.

  I went over it and over it, wondering what I did wrong, what he did, all of it and I never came to a conclusion.

  I knew one thing, if I was going to have my heart broken by someone, I was glad it was Grayson Gomez.

  I asked about him a lot. Frankie said he was fine but still, it felt like one of those things when you look at a photograph of someone and they can be right there with you but when you look at the photograph they seem distant.

  Only now, he was distant. He was gone.

  Have you ever loved someone so completely that when they left you felt as though your heart was taken with them? That was me…blank and empty. It took years to become a civilized human being and interact with others but I was never the same person I was with Grayson. I was never me again.

  When he left, I kind of went crazy and now, I don’t even recognize the girl I am.


  I’m a version of myself, but this girl, the one who covers up black eyes to avoid telling her family she’s in trouble, that’s not me.

  Why would anyone willingly put themselves in a dangerous situation if they knew they could get hurt?

  I did.

  Maybe people do it for love.

  I knew my fear wasn’t from love. It never could be. My heart belonged to only one person and he would have never hit me.

  And then, maybe people allow themselves to be abused out of fear.

  I’m still trying to wrap my head around the reasons I allowed it but I’ll never forget the first time Shane Lawson hit me.

  It was over something stupid. I spilled my coffee in his car. And while the physical pain was momentary, the emotional pain I now carried might be one I hold with me forever.

  I don’t mind a guy who shows frustration or gets angry. But physical violence against a woman is never something any woman should put up with.

  Why do I stay?

  I ask myself that question every day.

  I have an answer. It’s not a good one.

  Things I don’t have the answer to?

  Grayson. I can’t forget him. I tried so many times. He’s a missing puzzle piece to my broken heart. He can fix me, put me back together, make me whole again just by simply being him.

  Let’s say that you put together a puzzle and the first time you put the pieces together it’s new and exciting as you find pieces that fit together. When you’re done you usually sit there and reflect a little, how easy or how hard it might have been.

  Then you put the puzzle away.

  Time goes by and maybe it’s a year later and you find yourself putting that same puzzle together. Only this time you find that some pieces are missing. Important pieces that without them, the puzzle’s not complete.

  Life is just like that puzzle. Over time, pieces, important people, are taken away or lost. And in their place has left a void. A spot that will never be filled by another piece.

  One good thing is that you have the front of the box, like a photograph, and you can remember what that completed puzzle looked like. That’s what Grayson was to me for three years, just a photograph or a note that helped me remember.

  I couldn’t tell you at what point my relationship with Evie changed. Maybe it was when we finally had sex. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was way before that.

  I can, however, vividly remember the numbness I felt when I left. Numbness was the only emotion I’ve felt for years. I’ve existed without really living and that’s not as easy as you would think. Evie has been in my life since I was old enough to remember.

  I couldn’t leave. I didn’t want to. Constantly in the arms of others, that’s when I realized what she was doing. For a while, I thought maybe I might have a shot with her but she always seemed to be in relationships, ones she was always ending for me. She was pushing them away for the sake of me and my sanity. And then we fucked up and one night took our messing around a little too far. She cheated on her boyfriend with me. I wasn’t proud of that. Not at all.

  The night of graduation I realized what we were doing. Despite intentions full of pride, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It would always be that way with us. I wouldn’t sit back and watch any longer. My decision was simple, so I thought.

  That was three years ago and now I wondered if I was making an even bigger mistake by returning.

  Part of me didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to see those green eyes or that blonde hair. I didn’t want to because I knew once I did, I wouldn’t be able to resist her.

  I didn’t want to say her name, feel her breath on my skin or hold her close. I knew, it’d be over for me when that happened. And that scared me. It fucking terrified me.

  I was an hour outside Pinckard when I finally decided to tell my family I was coming home. I hadn’t spoken with any of them in six months. I wrote letters every once in a while, but for the last three months, I’ve had no contact with anyone. This was part of my reason for coming home.

  I figured I should call Frankie first and then possibly my mom.

  “Hello?” Frankie’s voice was strained and it’d been so long since I’d heard it. Distant, sure, but it almost sounded different.

  “Frankie?” I asked, not sure if it was her or not. There was a lot of background noise—she must have been driving with the windows down.

  “Holy shit,” Frankie choked. “Grayson, is that you?” she sounded relieved. I knew she was worried that she hadn’t heard from me since I was deployed to Iraq. My entire family had been trying to contact my commanding officer only to be told I was missing. My dad knew but I’m sure he thought the women in our family wouldn’t be able to take it if they thought I was dead.

  “Yeah, it’s me.” I sighed, feeling relieved to hear from my family. “I’m…coming home.”

  Frankie screamed in the background. I heard a thump and then another scream of delight.

  I hadn’t seen her in two years. The last time I saw her; she had made a trip to Arizona to see our older sister Kelly and stopped off in New Mexico to see me. No one else had come out to see me and I kept it that way. I loved my parents dearly but they would try to convince me to come home. Frankie understood why I left in the first place and never brought it up.

  “Oh my God! When Grayson, when?” her voice genial. “I’m so excited! Jesus…wait is this just a visit or are you home for good?” she was speaking so fast I could barely follow her.

  “I’ll be there in an hour, maybe sooner. Where are you?” I asked hoping she was at home and not with Evie. I needed some time before I saw Evie again. That is, if she was still around. You couldn’t expect a girl like Evie Brooks to stay in Pinckard, Alabama all her life.

  “I’m on my way home. I had to go pick up a dress for tonight…” she laughed once.

  “Oh, well, don’t tell anyone I’m coming, please. I want to…surprise Mom and Dad.”

  It wasn’t that I wanted to surprise them so much as my mom thought I was dead. I should probably tell her in person that her baby boy was still alive.

  “Josh and Kelly are here, too!”

  “Oh, yeah?” It had been so long since I had seen any family or friends I was actually getting a little nervous at seeing everyone again. I’m not really the type to get nervous either. Josh had been a really close friend of mine growing up so naturally I was a little nervous…he was going to want answers about my radio silence for all this time and I just wasn’t ready for that conversation yet. Or maybe ever.

  “Yeah, they got home this morning. So what…are you home for good? You still have three years left, don’t you?” She took in a deep breath and I knew what was coming next. “And where in the fuck have you been the last three fucking months Grayson?”

  I knew my family was concerned about my rather abrupt disappearance. I suppose they had every right to be too.

  “I’m driving, Frankie. I will see you soon.” I cut her off, avoiding her questions.

  I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about why my term ended short, or even why I was finally coming home. I hadn’t even thought about it. I got in my truck in New Mexico and headed home without a second thought.

  I hung up and tossed my cell phone on the top of my letter from the review board granting my honorable discharge.

  Ha, honorable?

  I would hardly classify anything that fucking happened in that situation as honorable.

  My mind began to wander as I looked out at the barren scenery surrounding me. So much had happened that it was hard to even reason coming home but I had no choice. I needed her. She was the only thing that can help me now. I had to try at least. Part of me was absolutely terrified to see her again. I hadn’t seen or spoken to her since I’d left and I really had no idea if she’d even speak to me again. I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t. I left her with just a fucking note, no letters, no phone calls. Nothing.

  So many times, I wanted to call her, hear her voice but every time I dialed the
number, I panicked and hung up on the first ring. I knew if I heard her voice I would have found a way to come home and beg for forgiveness…forgiveness that I didn’t deserve.

  But that’s exactly what I was doing right now. I couldn’t stay away. My decisions, as usual, were fucked.

  It felt wrong of me to even come back here and expect her to talk to me let alone forgive me. I had no idea what was going on in her life, if she had a boyfriend, if she finished college. Was she married? Had kids? I didn’t know her anymore, and that hurt just as bad as leaving did.

  As I made my way down the dirt road toward my childhood home, nothing changed. It was still the small town of Pinckard, just the way I hoped. When you’d witnessed what I’ve witnessed these past few years, these small towns meant everything. A way to remember that despite what’s out there and everything that’s wrong with the world, there’s a small piece of the remains untouched by that heavy harshness.

  I nodded at the sheriff when passing through town. He politely smiled returning the wave. I was always his favorite and I mean that sarcastically. He fucking hated me. For good reason. Josh, my cousins and I had wreaked some serious havoc on this small town from time to time, including setting the police station on fire. By accident.

  As I pulled in the driveway, I was careful not to look over at her house. Afraid actually. If I did sneak a glance, I’d probably just run over there and bang down her door.

  Frankie caught me before I even reached the front door, wrapping her scrawny arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. I bent down, returning the hug, laughing that she practically wrapped her legs around me. It felt strange to hug someone, awkward even. I couldn’t remember the last time I wrapped my arms around someone.

  Suddenly she pulled back, her smile bright as the day. “Come on!” Frankie pushed me along, her hands on my shoulders. “We have so much to do before tonight and I have to get back over and help Evie.”

  Just the mention of Evie’s name made my stomach fall.

  Frankie caught onto my expression when she looked back at me dragging up the stairs giving me a cheerful smile, like she already knew how I felt. She always did. Both my sisters did.