All I Have Left

by Shey Stahl

  “Sorry,” he mumbled, knowing he’d interrupted something private. Jameson looked at me as he walked by out of the corner of his eye, and the hold Shane had on me.

  He stopped, a hesitation to his step. My eyes darted to Grayson, his back to me, his hand in his pocket and a new bottle in the other hand.

  Shane looked over at Jameson who stopped.

  “You okay Evie?”

  My cry burst out, my body shaking and convulsing around Shane. His hand immediately went to my mouth covering my cries.

  “Get lost,” Shane said, a frustrated clip to his tone.

  “Nah,” Jameson stepped forward. “I think she wants you to get lost.”

  I could feel Jameson staring at me, trying to decide whether I needed his help or not. I nodded with wide eyes trying to silently let him know I needed help.

  Shane growled. “I said get lost,” he turned and buttoned his jeans he’d gotten undone and let go of me completely. I immediately flattened out my dress and pulled my panties up that were around my thighs.

  My sobs took over and I fell to the ground against the house. Jameson reached a hand out to help me but Shane stepped between us. “This ain’t your business.”

  “Looks to me like you’re beatin’ up on this girl and that makes it my business,” Jameson said, calmly putting his phone in his pocket and then dropping his helmet to the ground. “Makeup does a lot but,” Jameson shook his head squaring his shoulders, standing up to Shane. “It takes a fool not to see it in her eyes and yours. She hates you, man.”

  “Just get lost.”

  “You wanna hit someone, hit me.” Jameson stepped forward. “Not some innocent girl.”

  Shane started to get even angrier. “Go back to you fucking hillbilly NASCAR and stay out of shit that has nothing to do with you.”

  “Hillbilly?” Jameson laughed now. “You live in Pinckard. Alabama. Look around asshole, couldn’t get more hillbilly than this you stupid fucker.”

  Shane snorted. “Yeah, whatever you say.” He looked down at me, crying into my palms and then back to Jameson. “Mind your own goddamn business.” His voice had risen, and caught Grayson’s attention. Immediately he was walking over towards us with Ethan and even Aiden by his side.

  When he approached, Grayson’s whole body trembled in outrage, his body shaking so violently.

  My eyes flicked to Jameson, and then back to Grayson, helpless.

  “I’m sorry,” I rasped, looking at Grayson, my eyes focusing only on him.

  Shane turned to me. “This is what you fucking wanted, wasn’t?” he asked, but again, he wasn’t looking for an answer when his hand connected with my cheek.

  It was like slow motion for me. My eyes met Grayson’s tortured expression once again.

  Jameson backed away holding up his palms with a smile. “Looks to me like you’re a fuckin’ dead man.” He looked at Aiden beside him, “I really wanted to hit that guy.”

  That’s all it took for Grayson to pounce on Shane. His fist connecting with his already broken nose, followed by his left hook connecting with his jaw. Grayson was hitting him so fast that Shane didn’t even have time to react.

  At some point, I think, Shane was unconscious but Grayson didn’t stop.

  I had never seen Grayson react like this. I’ve never seen him so violent. This is not the same Grayson I knew. It seemed what was hiding in his eyes was finally coming out.

  Guilt shames you. I think it’s meant to. I believe it’s meant to.

  Drinking, well, it numbs you. I tend to want that these days.

  It’s been a week since Evie told me to get lost. And then I found myself at a party she was at.

  “Don’t make a scene,” I told myself, begged was more like it.

  A week. That’s all. It was a week of nightmares. A week of remembering. So I drank. Seemed logical to me.

  There’s four empty bottle of Jack Daniels on my nightstand.

  There’s a hole in the wall of my room and my window is boarded because I shattered it.

  If you asked me, I’m pissed. And I have every right to be.

  But I’m a stupid son of a bitch if I believe that. So I don’t, mostly.

  The thing was, this wasn’t Evie. Goddamn this wasn’t her. I knew her. Those scared, lifeless eyes were trying to tell me something. I knew the look. I’ve seen it before.

  But still, I’m walking away, again. She had me right where she wanted me. Distanced but still holding on.

  Was that her plan?

  I kind of felt like it was.

  I felt like my heart broke into a thousand pieces when she said she was with him and told me to walk away.

  I didn’t blame her, really, how could I?

  I left her. I did this. Nothing I said would ever take that shit away. I’m the reason why she is in this mess. I’m the reason why she’s in the arms of this goddamn loser.

  Drinking seemed like the answer. It was always the fucking answer. So that’s what I did. All day, and now all night.

  It was working too.

  Josh found me a little after I showed up, knowing I’d been drinking pretty much all day. He looked at me, and then Courtney beside me. “What are you doing man? This isn’t you.”

  I didn’t look at him. “I suggest you leave if you don’t agree with it.” I said, slower than one would expect.

  I’m not going to deny it, I’ve always held a little attraction for Courtney Johnson. She’s beautiful, nothing like Evie, but she’s attractive. And willing right now. I could fuck her. I could and it’d probably be pretty good.

  My eyes raked over her body, tight and tan, willing, so fucking willing. I bought the bottle to my lips, watching her.

  It’d be easy to act on my desires. I had them. Wrong girl, but hey, I had fucking desires and she could do just fine. The whiskey in my hand whispered it was a good idea.

  Frankie came up to me, her hands on my shoulders. “Grayson, I think we have a problem.”

  I didn’t respond. I couldn’t take much more of this shit. I came back for this?

  I don’t fucking think so. I took another drink.

  “GRAYSON!” she screamed at me louder when she knew I wasn’t listening. You know, while I’m at it, fuck my sister. She let Evie get involved with him. I blame her right now too. Fuck everyone. That was my general theory tonight.

  I tried to block Frankie out as much as I could, not an easy task I might add.

  Courtney, who was beside me, leaned into my side. I let for some fucking reason. I lowered my head and went to ask her if she wanted to leave, but then Frankie shoved me.

  “What Frankie?” I asked, but wasn’t paying attention and she knew it. I brought the whiskey to my lips again, enjoying the burn it gave in return and the numbness I found.

  “What are you doing over here with her?” she gestured to Courtney.

  I wrapped my arm around Courtney, swaying slightly. “Moving on.” I tipped my bottle toward Evie and Shane in the corner. “She has. I should too.”

  Frankie pushed my shoulder rocking both Courtney and me backwards slightly. “Stop acting like an asshole. Fuck you if you’re going to be like this. That shits on you. You left. What the fuck did you expect would happen? That you’d leave and then come back three years later expecting her to be waiting for you?”

  She had that about right, didn’t she?

  “No,” I lied, lazy eyes drifting back to Courtney. “Why do you care so much? I left remember? I fucked this all up. So why are you over here giving me a fucking lecture?”

  Courtney leaned into me, her hand slipped into the back pocket of my shorts.

  Frankie glared again shoving her finger in my chest. I rubbed the spot with my hand holding the bottle, keeping my other hand around Courtney.

  “You need to go over there and make her see that you’re the better guy,” she looked at Courtney, glared, and then looked back at me. “Despite being an asshole right now, you’re the better guy. Make her see that.”

  �
��Whatever, Frankie.” I rolled my eyes, feeling the need for another drink, and maybe leaving with Courtney. “Just stay out of it. Let her be.”

  “God…” she groaned. “You’re such a fucking jerk.”

  “Why am I the jerk right now?” My voice was low and relaxed, a product of the alcohol. “She’s not my fucking girlfriend. She’s made that pretty fucking clear.”

  Ethan came up next, his hands buried in his pockets. Neither one of them was going to let this go. It was like they tag teamed and tried to outnumber me. Fuckers.

  “Grayson, I gotta talk to you,” he grabbed onto my shoulder. He motioned toward Evie against the side of the house. “We gotta get Evie away from him. Believe it or not she needs you. I’ve tried—” Ethan paused choosing his words. It was then I started to pay attention. “I tried telling myself this wasn’t happening to my sister but I can’t lie about this any longer.”

  My heart pounded in my chest with anger, not just anger, but outright rage as I looked over my shoulder to see them making out against the wall. In front of me she was going to do this shit?

  “She seems just fine,” I snorted, more annoyed than ever.

  “He—” Ethan paused, then swallowed. “She is only with him because she thinks she has to. She loves you.”

  Loving me, and being with me are certainly different. Even I knew that.

  But part of me couldn’t believe what he was saying. Something in his words, maybe the tone sparked a memory, a theory.

  I couldn’t speak, I just stared at him in disbelief as he continued. Frozen on his words, the guilt settled over me.

  “He told her that if she breaks up with him his dad will fire my mom. She’s having trouble as it is and if she loses that job…Evie doesn’t think she can find another one she likes. So she stays with him.” Ethan looked down at his feet as he placed his hands deep in the pockets of his jeans. His weight shifted and he looked up, right then it was clear to me why she stayed.

  Part of me, okay, most of me knew it was something like this.

  “I think he’s starting to get abusive,” Ethan said. “No, what I mean is he is hitting her. I mean you saw what happened the other night. I knew he yelled at her and pushed her a couple times but it’s getting worse.”

  All I saw was red, overwhelming rage. That asshole had his hands on her. How could anyone harm such an innocent much less a woman …I barely had enough control to stand there and listen to this. The war I’d just left was nothing compared to the internal war I was fighting now.

  My back was to her, I was facing Courtney, but when I heard commotion behind us again, I turned around.

  Jameson was standing there with his hands waving, appearing to be yelling at Shane. “I don’t know what the fuck makes you think this shit is okay, but it’s not.”

  Both Ethan and I walked over there.

  “What’s going on here?” Aiden asked, standing beside Jameson as both Ethan and I got within two feet of them. My eyes immediately went to Evie, on the ground at Shane’s feet, crying.

  “Get lost,” Shane said, looking to me, spitting anger my way. “Just walk away.”

  He looked to Evie next, kicking at her. “Get up, Evie. Go get in the car.”

  He’s a dead man. A fucking dead man.

  I stepped forward again, Shane held up his hand. “I said get lost, Grayson.”

  As if his warning meant a goddamn thing to me right now.

  I smiled, not from humor. “I’ll make this simple for you right now, Shane. I’ll walk away when she does. She’s not leaving with you tonight.”

  It was then Shane looked at me, then to Evie again. “She’s never walking away.”

  He knew he was out numbered but he made the stupidest move yet. He hit her in front of me.

  I lost it. I fucking lost it completely.

  I don’t remember hitting him. I don’t remember him getting up and smiling either. I don’t remember anyone pulling me off him, but they did. I just remember the numbness I felt for those few moments. The quietness. The intense gratification of avenging Evie’s inner demons and my own…demons that had followed me half-way around the world.

  Shane was pulled away by his buddies, his face bleeding all over the fucking place but it wasn’t enough. I kept trying to get back at him but the crowd around us, more than likely his friends, kept me away.

  With my hands on my knees, my chest heaving, I looked to Evie.

  When I glanced up at her, the look on her face could only be described as pure shock. I had lost control and she saw. Ashamed I looked down at my bloody hands. I never wanted her to see that side of me. Ever.

  “Evie—” Ethan started but couldn’t speak when she looked up, none of us could. She had blood running down her chin and neck. Her eye was already swollen, her lip was bleeding and her dress was soaked from her tears.

  I scrambled over to her. “Evie…baby…” I choked clutching her to me tightly.

  Ethan reached for her as well. “I’ve got her. Frankie, get my keys!” I was as careful as I could be, gently picking her up. When I looked up, it seemed the entire party had cleared out.

  Making my way to my truck, I was clutching her so tight I was afraid she couldn’t breathe but she only held me tighter, clinging to my chest.

  He was going to suffer for this. Goddamn was he going to fucking pay for this. No fucking way was he getting away with it.

  All the anger I have been bottling up was coming out all at once. I was trembling, struggling to gain some sort of self-control for Evie’s sake.

  I saw Shane’s Mustang, gravel kicking up and spraying against the row of cars parked behind him.

  “We should call the police,” Frankie said, her hand covering her mouth.

  “No, we shouldn’t.” Ethan said, knowing exactly where my mind was too. If we called the police, he’d be arrested. Shane didn’t deserve jail. He deserved so much more than that. Plus, Shane and his family were untouchable. They practically owned this town.

  “Ethan…you know where to find him right?” I growled my voice uneven.

  He gave me a nod. People around here didn’t call the police. We just didn’t. You fucked up, you paid by the southern law we had.

  “NO! Please don’t.” Evie begged. “It will only make things worse. Just stay with me, Grayson. Please, don’t leave me!” she pleaded, her please broken and constricted from her shaking.

  I pulled her closer. She needed me and I wasn’t going to deny her, not now, never again would I leave her, even if she pushed me away.

  “If that’s what you want then we won’t,” using every ounce of self-control I had to fight my own inner impulse to fight, what I was trained to do, what I needed to do at that point. For those few minutes I was hitting him, wasn’t nearly enough…this son of a bitch was going to pay, maybe not tonight, but very soon.

  Ethan went a little crazy, shaking his head violently. “No, I don’t fucking think so. Seriously Grayson,” Ethan followed us to my truck. “This guy needs to pay for this shit! LOOK AT HER FUCKING FACE!” Ethan roared, staring at me in abject horror.

  It was difficult to see Ethan so much pain over this because his facial features and expressions were direct reflections of the same pain in his sister. It was like watching her own reactions.

  “Ethan,” I tried desperately to keep my voice even and controlled. “I know you’re angry, so am I. But we need to think about what’s important right now and that’s getting Evie home, safe.” I insisted taking a deep breath to calm myself. “Call your mom and have her come over to our house tonight. I don’t think she should be home alone and Evie is not staying over there tonight.”

  I wanted her with me where I knew she would be safe.

  I carried Evie to my truck, she curled up on the seat, and drove her to my house, never taking my hands off her. I wasn’t letting her go. Not again. I would find a way to get her out of this mess even if it meant killing Shane myself.

  I needed time to think and time for Ethan to let m
y parents and Kathy know what happened so I took the long way back to my house giving us an extra fifteen minutes alone. Evie tried her hardest to control herself the entire way but at some point, I realized it was a futile effort. “I can’t believe this! I can’t…” she would try to say, only to break down again.

  When I pulled into the garage, Kathy was already over, pacing back and forth, her hands fidgeting.

  My dad pulled me aside for a moment while Kathy hugged Evie.

  “Grayson, do you think she needs to see a doctor?” Dad asked, concerned for her.

  My eyes examined her quickly. “I think she’s okay for now,” he nodded, taking my word for it and walked toward my mom who looked as if she was on the verge of tears after looking over at Evie standing next to her mom.

  “Did you call the police?” Dad asked me, watching them.

  “No.”

  He nodded, as though he understood, for the most part. He knew there’d be retribution, but not at the hands of the police.

  Evie pulled away from her mom’s embrace and then looked to me again.

  “Evie, honey…I’m…I’m so sorry!” Kathy reached for her again. “Ethan explained to me that you stayed because—” Evie interjected before Kathy could continue.

  “Mom…I just want to sleep.” She pleaded again and turned toward me. “Can I sleep in your room?”

  Nodding, I reached for her hand and took her up to my room. I wasn’t about to leave her alone at this point. As soon as we reached my room, I pulled her into my arms and silently rocked her on my bed. This brought a new round of weeping, and all I could do was hold her. Letting her release all of her emotions out on me.

  A while later she got in the shower, I gathered some clothes and set them on the bed then went downstairs to get her some water.

  Josh and Ethan were both in the kitchen, talking.

  I didn’t bother staying down there to talk to them. Instead, I sat on the bed and waited for Evie to come back in.

  I looked down at my swollen fists remembering the night Matt died. I had yet to tell anyone about what really happened when we were in Iraq, not even my commanding officer knew everything that happened. They tried to get me to talk but I refused, I couldn’t. I could barely admit to myself what happened let alone spill my guts to someone else. They insisted I see a therapist when I got back but after four sessions and no talking, they realized I was a lost cause.