All I Have Left

by Shey Stahl

  We all chuckled and I smiled at Grayson as he stood on the base, dusting off his pants, watching me.

  He gave me another wink, as if it was his little present for me.

  The rest of the game was quiet as Shane and Grayson avoided each other.

  When the game finished Grayson walked over to me with a huge grin on his face as he threw his mitt down by his bag, dust floating up. I had a feeling he was up to something by his sexy as hell smirk but I couldn’t be sure, he had that smirk on his face a lot today and now I was distracted by his sweaty body. Pulling his shirt over his head, he threw it to the ground beside his glove and came toward me.

  I took in his stomach and chest, so tight and strong, flexing as he moved toward me.

  My eyes went wide, wondering what it was he was going to do.

  Ethan and Josh were nowhere to be seen, and could only assume they were about to play some kind of cruel joke on me. They always did.

  Just as I looked over my shoulder Josh had the cooler full of ice and dumped it down my back.

  “Thought I would help you cool down Evie,” Josh said, through his own laughter. “No one should look that good in a bikini next to Kelly!” he quickly ran back to Kelly when I tried to punch him.

  Kelly, who was obliviously in on the joke—let him hide behind her, laughing with him. “Sorry, Evie.”

  She wasn’t sorry.

  Wiping water away, I turned to Grayson who was now on the ground shaking in laughter. I tried to kick him while he was on the ground but I slipped on the wet grass as I did so, falling on top of him.

  With an annoyed sigh, I rolled off him and went to stand up but he stopped me by reaching for my wrist and pulling me back on top of him. Before I could move again, he kissed my wet neck.

  “I had to,” Grayson said seductively, his voice low and sexy as he winked. “How else would I get you wet and in my arms?”

  “Oh, come on,” I laughed. “That’s the best you got? You’re losing your touch.” I let my voice grow seductive, just like his. “The Grayson I knew could make women weak just by his stare. Not with cheesy pickup lines.”

  “Oh I still can.”

  “Prove it,” I hedged, seeing how he’d react.

  “Fine. Go out with me tonight and I will.”

  “It’s a date then.”

  It’s easy to think I could do this. Be normal and forget what happened. I wanted to. I was determined to, even if that meant replacing bad memories with good ones. Especially if it meant that.

  Grayson was my rock during all of this. Together we’d get us back to being the “us” that we’d been three years ago. And we’d start with a carefree date night, and leave our emotional scars and baggage at home…at least for tonight. Tomorrow is another day and I was hell bent on taking one day at a time with him by my side.

  I knew I couldn’t just rip that emotional bandage off, but I could have the life that Grayson and I shared growing up, couldn’t I? Was that too much to ask?

  What’s wrong with that?

  When I got back from Iraq the doctors threw at me the term post-traumatic stress disorder. And immediately too. They said I had it, as did many war veterans returning from the hell that was war.

  I’d argue with them because I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe that one event in your life could alter you to the point where you couldn’t sleep, couldn’t tolerate loud noises, or hell, even pick up a bat without shaking.

  The half empty bottle of anxiety medication, muscle relaxers and pain medication wouldn’t argue that clinical term, would it?

  I do believe you can distract yourself.

  The first night I didn’t wake up screaming and crying since I’d returned from that hell hole…it was my first night back in Evie’s arms. The second, last night.

  I had a distraction. A way to think about something other than my personal battles waging war in my own head.

  Evie needed that too. She needed a way to relax and not have to be reminded of Shane.

  A Tuesday night at The Point was my answer. Something I knew she would appreciate.

  Walking back to my truck I noticed Shane and his buddies leaning up against his Mustang. I knew what he wanted.

  I couldn’t believe the asshole kept starting shit with me. He didn’t know when to quit.

  I had training he never had. I could, if I wanted, kill him with my bare hands.

  And believe me when I say I was so fucking tempted. So tempted.

  He stood a little straighter when he saw me, his shirt beside him on the hood of his car, a beer in hand, cigarette dangling from his lips. I know him. He thought that shit and his custom car daddy bought meant he was tough. He’s a fucking pussy and he knows it. This shit was an act. His distraction. The son of a bitch beat up women…what sort of real man lays a hand on a woman? One who can’t defend himself in a real fight.

  Though I didn’t want the reaction, my body tensed anticipating a fight as I approached my truck, which was parked beside his car, probably by design.

  Of course, as soon as I walked past them, he started in with his bantering.

  There’s ways of finding out information, classified or not. It’s all in who you know and if you dig enough, you can get that information.

  “How’s that shoulder?” Shane asked, taking a slow drag from his cigarette and then blowing the smoke in the air.

  I tossed my bag in the back of my truck, giving way to an amused laugh. He obviously knew which shoulder to hit, didn’t he?

  I don’t fucking care that he knows. I don’t. Let me know just how fucked up I am.

  “It’s fine,” I winked at him. “How’s your hip?”

  I don’t care about that either. I’m just setting him up.

  I see the bruise that already formed. I also see the darkness under his eye and the cracked lip. He’s gotten a taste, but he has no idea what I’m really capable of.

  Shane shook his head, his buddies watching me, and it took everything in me not to kick his ass. But if I did, here, I would be putting Evie at risk, making her vulnerable.

  When my chance came, and I knew it would, Evie wouldn’t be anywhere near us.

  There’s a few people that get under my skin more than anything. They’re the type of people that when you’re arguing with them and it’s done, they pop off with some smart ass remark and leave you lit all over again. Shane did that shit.

  “That’s right Grayson, keep walking. Not much of a tough guy without—”

  I didn’t let him finish before I turned abruptly on my heel and faced him, inches from his face. He could feel my breath on his face. “I will only tell you this one time you stupid motherfucker,” I warned stepping closer. “Stay. Away. From. Evie.” I made no attempt to back off. “You will fucking regret it if you don’t. I’m not warning you again.”

  Shane just stared at me with a blank expression, searching my eyes. Maybe he was trying to see if I was serious which only pissed me off more that he doubted my intentions here.

  “I’m not going to regret anything,” he said, leaning casually against his car. “But you do. You regret a lot of things. And she turned to me. Does it kill you to know that she was on my dick?”

  I acted like the twenty-one-year-old kid I was. “Nah,” I smiled, “it don’t. Cause she was on mine first. And I know it kills you to think that.”

  I struck a nerve, and I loved it. Finally an angle I had, my fast ball turned on him.

  “She won’t be for much longer, soldier boy.”

  I backed up just an inch. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to threaten a man’s family? It’s a death sentence.”

  Shane laughed, low and tense. “She ain’t your family man.” He stood straighter, his chest tight. “Walk away. It’s what you’re good at, remember?”

  “I can’t do that,” shaking my head, I ran the back of my hand across the right side of my jaw.

  “I’m not scared of you Grayson.”

  “That’s your fucking p
roblem right there. You should be. I should be your worst fucking nightmare because I will be if you keep fucking with us,” I said in a no nonsense tone.

  I was shaking, I wanted to hit him. I wanted him in so much fucking pain that he never healed. A torture he carried forever. A scar, a reminder, he’d bare until he died.

  Josh appeared before I could do anything, “Grayson, help Ethan with the chairs.”

  I turned without another word and grabbed some chairs from Ethan, who had his arms full heading to Frankie’s car.

  “What was that about?” Ethan questioned, raising an eyebrow at me as he handed me a couple more chairs.

  “Nothing.”

  Never again was I standing by and watching someone get hurt. I wouldn’t do it. I would have my chance. I would.

  Ethan caught my glare. “Are you going to be okay?”

  “Yeah. Hey, you guys going out tonight?”

  “Yeah. We thought about it. Evie up for it?”

  I smiled, my mood improving when I saw Evie laughing next to my sisters. “I think she needs a good distraction.”

  Evie did need a distraction. She needed something where she wasn’t being forced to do something and be someone she wasn’t. She needed a night of normalcy…something I could very much provide her because normal was what I needed just as much. She was my normal, my distraction.

  She didn’t need a clinical term to define who she was emotionally.

  Or maybe that was me?

  I wouldn’t let post-traumatic stress disorder define me. My emotional state was already better simply by being back with my Evie.

  One thing I knew for sure…what my heart and head told me every day for the past three years and especially during the hell that I’d endured, all we needed was each other.

  A distraction. That was his answer. He wanted a date with me. I could do that. I wanted that. What I didn’t want was being fussed with.

  “I really don’t understand why you guys have to dress me up just to go to The Point.” I grimaced, thinking of how much attention I would get looking like this there. Probably about as much as I did when I wore that black dress. Attention was something I didn’t want right now.

  Kelly laughed curling my hair. “Hold still or I will burn you,” she was snapping the straightener for effect.

  “Okay, okay…damn. I just don’t know how I manage to get roped into these situations all the time.” I smiled as Frankie grabbed my face to apply make-up to my swollen eye.

  “Evie, it’ll be fun and you know it,” Frankie gave me this look that reminded me of Grayson, persuasive as all hell. “Besides, our little brother is finally home, you’re free from Shane, we have lot’s to celebrate and we always go there to celebrate.”

  “I wouldn’t say I’m free and you know that.”

  Neither one of them said anything. They knew it was only a matter of time. Shane Lawson wasn’t a man who ever settled on being told no.

  “Fine, but I’m warning you, if some jerk guy grabs my ass tonight or Shane shows up,” I eyed both of them. “I’m personally holding the both of you responsible.”

  They just laughed, it was hardly funny.

  “I doubt Grayson will allow that to happen.” Frankie sounded utterly confident this wouldn’t be a problem. And deep down, I knew that would be true. “And,” Kelly added, “Larry won’t let Shane in the bar. He knows what happened.”

  It was a reminder, if the bruises weren’t enough of a display, that we lived in a small town. Everyone knew.

  Around nine, we were ready to head out. They managed to get me into a white sundress and cowboy boots.

  Josh whistled when he saw us walk into the living room, I rolled my eyes.

  Grayson, well, he had yet to stop staring. That sort of attention I’d take all day long.

  He smiled, of course, when I approached him. “Ready?”

  “After you.” He said, waiting for me to walk in front of him. I knew that plan. It was so he could watch me walk in front of him.

  “Enjoy the view.” I shook my ass a little as I walked, just to tease him a little for the cooler incident at the fields.

  He laughed. “Oh, I am…”

  As soon as we walked into The Point, it felt right. I could feel myself vibrating from the bass coming from the speakers, country music blaring. Frankie led the way to the far right corner where we usually sat. Where we’d been sitting since we convinced Larry, the owner, to let us in The Point when we were thirteen.

  I usually liked to get a drink in me, and people watch before dancing. Frankie was bouncing up and down, her usual bubbly self, and Kelly was looking for the boys who had disappeared when we walked in; I assumed they went to the bar.

  The bartender came over and I ordered my usual, Coors Light. Kelly got a rum and Coke, and Frankie a Long Island Iced Tea.

  It was hot and sticky in the bar and I was relieved to see Larry, the owner, opening the doors that led to the stage.

  I was incredibly thirsty and downed my beer within five minutes.

  “It’s really hot in here,” I tried to yell over the music.

  “Yeah, I know now. Where did the boys go?” Kelly asked, looking around, assuming they’d be back by now.

  “Right here,” Josh replied grabbing Kelly from behind. She laughed. It was so good to see them so happy and here. Now that they both graduated I hoped that they would be around more often but now that Josh had a job in Arizona now, I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

  I could see Grayson and Ethan leaning against the bar, talking with Larry, more than likely warning him about Shane.

  I was on second beer when I gained enough courage to attempt dancing. I grabbed Frankie and we made our way to the dance floor.

  “Oh, I love this song!” she screamed when “Down On The Farm” came on. We knew the song well, sort of like a theme song for us.

  We made our way to the center and began dancing. I was swaying my hips when I felt two hands on my waist.

  I knew it wouldn’t take him long. He turned me, his left hand on my hip, the other in my right hand. Grayson knew how to dance, product of two older sisters. He led me around with ease, smiling down at me.

  It seemed effortless for him as though our bodies were one as we moved. His hand would occasionally glide up and down my side, sending shivers down my spine. As he did this, his hand grazed my breast and I leaned back into him. He continued his ministrations and I loved it.

  He took a firm grip on my waist as the song began to pick up speed and I was really getting into it. If felt good. I arched my back into him, putting my mouth right up to his ear, letting my rapid breathing hit him. I’m not sure I was thinking right then.

  He stared deep into my eyes, practically panting as he leaned down to my ear. “You’re playing with fire, Evie. Don’t do this with unless you’re ready,” he warned, pulling back to look at me.

  He had every right to say that to me. If I wasn’t ready, I had no business turning him on. I had no business making him believe I was ready. The thing was, deep down, I was ready. I had been ready.

  The look on his face was something I had never seen before in him. He looked very much like a man now, no longer the boy I grew up with.

  His eyes, rugged and somber, offered me a reminder of what was at stake this time. If I acted on this, if he did, this time there was no walking away. What we did now would hold more meaning than either one of us knew.

  He hesitated before doing so, but he pulled me closer, his mouth was at my neck and I could feel his ragged breath on me, wetting my neck. When the song ended, I still hadn’t said anything but needed air.

  He led me out to the stage, now just filled with tables and additional seating when there wasn’t any bands playing.

  As we stood there, side by side, shoulder to shoulder, leaned against the railing on the deck, I thought a lot about us as a whole.

  Everything had led up to right now. I remembered that night vividly with Grayson and anytime we were alone these days
, the memories took over. It wasn’t something I could forget. Ever. Even if it was brief. I didn’t want to forget. I wanted to remember every minute detail, every embrace, every touch.

  I had to kiss him. I couldn’t wait any longer.

  Turning to face him, I pushed my whole body flush against him, he froze, probably surprised by my sudden audacity. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.

  It was the first time our lips had touched in three years. If I could have captured that feeling it gave me, I would have, as the sensation sang through my veins. It was like coming home.

  Without much warning, his hand was in my hair and he spun me around so I was up against the railing, every inch of his body pressed firmly against mine as his hips brushed against mine revealing his obvious excitement at my public seduction.

  He pulled back and looked at me directly in the eyes and before I could say anything his lips were on mine, desperate, hungry, frantic with his need. I nearly fainted at the feel of his lips, seducing my mouth, so soft and warm. When his tongue finally met mine, I could taste the beer on him and remembered a little more from years gone by.

  A Friday night baseball game, the lights, the wet grass and dusty clay soaked knees. Behind the dugout, my back against the fence, our bodies pressed together. I remember our first kiss at fifteen, two people fumbling with feeling they didn’t understand.

  Maybe it was the kissing, or maybe it was my mind trying to keep up but I couldn’t breathe and pushed back on his chest.

  He pulled back, gasping for air. I was shocked, not really comprehending what just happened, or what I was feeling.

  “Sorry, I had to do that.” I looked at him once more, licking my lips.

  He nodded, his eyes on the deck, his hands suddenly shoved into his pockets.

  “Wanna get a drink?”

  He nodded and smiled taking my hand and walked to the bar. We stood there a few minutes, waiting for the bartender to come our way and I could feel Grayson’s eyes on me the whole time. He hadn’t spoken since we were out on the dance floor, which was making me extremely nervous. Especially after that kiss and both of our reactions to it.