All I Have Left

by Shey Stahl

  “Not really but these sort of put things into perspective,” I said, handing him the camera.

  He strolled through a few of them and his grin got bigger. “Ah, yes, now some things are coming back to me.”

  “Grayson,” I sighed when he let out a low whistle at another picture.

  “Now that were not drunk…wanna pick up where we left off?” Grayson suggested sliding his hand slowly down my back, over my hips.

  I pushed him away. “You need to go dry off and obviously calm down,” I said eyeing his lower half.

  He sighed giving me another grin again as he walked past me toward the bathroom.

  A few hours later the afternoon was unbearable and we got out the rafts and floated on the lake.

  You can imagine where that led.

  We were out on the water, kissing, and then floating on the rafts, more kissing, more touching. We were like a couple of teenagers.

  We also seemed to be talking. About a lot of things. It was always easy to talk to him, he just had that way about him. A natural way to get you to open up to him.

  “If you would have had the chance, would you have slept with someone while you were gone?”

  His face smooth and expressionless. “Honestly, if I thought it would have gotten my mind off you, yeah. I would have.”

  Just the idea of him being with someone else, in that way, sent my heart racing.

  “So you never had any time away from the base for that sort of thing?” I was trying to be nonchalant about my questions but it was obvious I was prying.

  “No, we did,” his shoulders shrugged. “I guess I could have, but I don’t know…some of the guys paid some of the local Iraqi women, I guess you could call them hookers.”

  “You didn’t?”

  “No.” He laughed. “I’m not into paying for sex.”

  I splashed him with water, just because.

  He licked his lips and shook water from his eyes. “You think you’re ready?” he kept his eyes on the water as he spoke.

  “I am now. I just…you were right.” I said adjusting my bikini top so I wasn’t falling out of it. Then I twisted on the raft to face him. “I was scared and I want it different than what Shane did, not something that’s against a wall, or in the car. I know it will be different with you but I just don’t want those memories flooding my brain…we have to make our own ‘different’ if that makes sense.”

  With his chin resting on the raft, he squinted at the sun but I saw the pain flash in his eyes, an emotion he couldn’t control.

  He was on his stomach, one hand on my raft holding it near his, the other in the water.

  I was curious about those scars and what happened while he was gone.

  I noticed that bottle he had was empty which meant since he came home two weeks ago, he’d taken them all at one time or another. I never saw him take anything.

  At first I didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to pry. But now, I wanted to know him. He was helping me, why couldn’t I help him? I could distract him, couldn’t I?

  Or was I already doing that?

  My fingertips traced over the puckered skin on his right shoulder. “Were you shot over there?”

  He swallowed, his eyes on mine, squinting at me. He said nothing but nodded. I wanted to ask him what he went through but part of me knew if he was ready, he’d talk about it.

  “You don’t want to talk about it, do you?”

  No words, instead, he went for what I knew them was his distraction. Kissing me.

  You can imagine where that finally led.

  Two weeks and one day, a Saturday to be exact, after Grayson returned, it happened. We had sex.

  It started slow, touching at dinner, sneaking seductive glances and then we found ourselves making out on the grass and drinking. This time we went up to the room as opposed to a public display.

  Grayson’s hands found mine shaking under the sticky night. He was gentle, an aching touch so unfamiliar to me because where there was usually rough, all I felt was soft and slow.

  He’s the softer side of my rough life.

  He looked down at me, his eyes shining under the moonlight as I laid on the center of the bed. I wonder what he saw when he touched me like this, when he looked at me, so alone, wanting him and afraid. Did he see me or did he see what Shane saw?

  A girl broken but needing an escape.

  If it hadn’t been from the sound of the air-conditioner humming in the background, I would think time was standing still right then. I wanted it to. All the talk had led us here and there wasn’t anything to stop us. I will say, time had seemed to slow down once we were in the room. There was no rushing at all.

  As he looked at me, he paused, memories flashing in his eyes. Memories we created as kids that led us here, back together where he belonged.

  My hands moved over the muscles in his chest as his slide up my back. Pulling his shirt off, mine was next and then the pants were gone immediately.

  The feel of his hands over me again, in this way, was almost too much for me to take. Running my hands over the muscles in his back, I stopped when my hands found his hair. That’s when I looked at him, watching him take in the sight before him.

  “Now what?” he asked, hovering over me.

  I smiled, he was stalling. “You know what happens now.”

  “Yeah,” his head dipped forward, his forehead rested against mint. “I have a pretty good idea.”

  As his arms wrapped around me, he started breathing heavier. He only stopped for a minute to reach beside the bed for the condom in his wallet. I felt him move away, raising up on his knees, his hands low. I snuck a peek, wanting to see everything.

  I wasn’t disappointed at all. Every muscle in his body was taunt, tight with anticipation and desire, his eyes on mine as he rolled the condom on and stroked himself once.

  Oh God. The sight was more I could take. He was perfect.

  I could tell he was nervous, it was in his eyes as he ran his hands through his hair and the tremble in his touch.

  When his body met mine, the weight, the hold, the love being emitted calmed my own nerves. His kisses went from my stomach, my chest, and then made their way to my lips, slow and passionate, memory making. Placing his hand on the back of my neck, gently, revealing my neck for him, he glided his tongue across, shivers shot through me.

  “You sure?” He asked again, letting me feel him there, ready and waiting for my decision.

  I kissed him again, letting him know it was what I wanted. Raising his body from me he lifted my leg and moved so he was at my entrance. He paused, looking at me for my final answer.

  I smiled.

  And then he slowly pushed forward.

  He made a noise, a soft grunt revealing how good it felt to him. I could feel his body trembling, as though he was nervous, or excited and then he started breathing heavier, nearly panting.

  But then I wondered if he was okay. He seemed, more nervous than I would have expected him to be.

  The leftover fireworks Josh and Ethan couldn’t wait to set off started booming over the lake, a spray of color lighting the dimly lit room. Grayson tensed, his body hard and rigid at the sound.

  He started to move despite whatever it was that was bothering him just as my legs tightened around his hips.

  We needed this so badly. A moment with us, a night to just forget, and remember all at the same time.

  My desperate moaning was swallowed by his mouth as he let out a loud groan into mine. I tried to hold on to him as his body shook above mine but my body felt limp.

  We matched each other’s pace, colliding in sync with breaths and movements, moans and cries. My legs wrapped around his waist as my finger nails dug into his skin, his gentle, but quick and passionate movements, and his kisses at my breasts and neck, only assured me this was exactly what he wanted.

  This time was so completely different from any other time. This time was slow and passionate. His hips moved slowly for a while, his hands curling u
nder and over my shoulders to pull me into him, holding me tightly to his body, as mine was letting go. I felt like his hold was him telling me how much he needed me, wanted me right there, so close, him inside me.

  Suddenly Grayson started to pull away. I panicked thinking I’d done something wrong. “What’s wrong?”

  He laughed under his breath. “It’s too good,” he clarified in a rough voice, his body trembling as he tried to control himself. I could feel him twitch inside of me and giggled. He shook his head, laughing again.

  Slowly he moved again all the while kissing me. His hand had come up and rested at my thigh, creating more of a desire than I thought it ever would. I brought my hand up and took his from my thigh, to link them together. My legs wrapped around his waist bringing him into our movements as I succumbed to the sensations.

  His forehead leaned against mine. It was then that I finally saw myself taking everything he was giving me. And I was feeling it. All of it for the first time. I was letting his hands, his body, his heart and soul mark me in ways no one else ever could. Beneath him, his warm body pressed against mine, I surrendered myself to him. I didn’t care what happened in the past. I knew now, this was what was right.

  I gave myself to him. I fucking gave him every last piece because it’s all I have to give, all I have left.

  “Fuck,” he grunted in my ear breathlessly, his voice throaty and sexy. It was almost a pained sound that left his lips. That’s when I realized very quickly that it was a pained sound. He was shaking so badly that his body was vibrating to the point he could barely keep from collapsing against me.

  With every crack from the fireworks outside, his body would tense.

  I knew this was why he had those pills. I wanted to stop, we probably should have but he wouldn’t.

  “Grayson…we…you…” I started to cry, for him, for me, for us, but he didn’t stop. He just kept shaking his head, trying to fight it.

  Our eyes met and I saw the storm. I wanted to crawl inside them and take cover knowing his own demons were coming ashore.

  “We should stop.”

  He shook his head again, his eyes squeezed shut. “No. Not for me. Let’s keep going.”

  He was determined to fight it. Part of me wondered what triggered it.

  Did I? Did this?

  But then his body flinched again when another spray of colors brightened the room, the crack that followed as his chest was heaving.

  I felt my muscles tighten as his grip on my hips became tighter. His movements more urgent almost frantic until suddenly every muscle in his body clenched and he tensed on top of me, causing us both to let out load moans and collapse against me.

  I didn’t know what to say, or do, so I waited to see what he was going to do.

  He put his head at my ear, kissing the lobe and whispered in my ear that he loved me. My heart thudded, and I felt content, but also, confused.

  “I’m sorry…” his body hadn’t stopped shaking but he moved to my side pulling my back to his chest.

  “Are you okay?”

  He didn’t reply, instead, his body clung to mine as if it was what he needed.

  I was learning a few things about those distractions. They’re good. But there’s a reason it’s called a distraction. It’s not permanent. The memories find their way through the cracks at the most inopportune times…it was just a matter of time before all of Grayson’s ghosts seeped through his cracks.

  I’m still going to argue that I don’t need those pills, but, I will admit there’s more to those clinical terms than they throw at you.

  There’s just some memories you can’t control no matter how hard you try, no matter how much medication you take, and then they come crashing back at the least likely times. Finally immersing myself in Evie’s warmth, after three long and brutal years, and I began to feel normal again…until the fireworks and lights started. I almost lost my shit, like really lost my shit. Mind over fucking matter, or should I say such intense physical feelings over mental trauma, wouldn’t let me stop. I’d waited so long for this…this feeling of my girl, in my arms, two heartbeats, joining in a union that was wholeheartedly ours and ours alone. Fuck that, I was not stopping. Bring the demons…bring it but as long as it was her eyes that I look into every day and every night, I can do this. Looking into her eyes last night as I released myself physically and emotionally, I know that I have to do this.

  I’ve heard the sound of a heart breaking. I’ve heard the sound of falling in love.

  I’ve heard the sounds because it’s lying on my chest, her hands over wounds I never thought would heal.

  She made me feel like everything before didn’t matter. And maybe, for once, right now, it doesn’t.

  Being with Evie last night was even more than I imagined it would be. My memory of what it felt like to be inside her hadn’t done it justice. Maybe it was because it’d been so long, but still, it wasn’t even comparable to my memory of it.

  Lights flashing, sounds booming, memories erupting. The memories stirred inside, Evie noticed, her hand dipping below the sheets and palming my erection.

  I groaned, a shudder running through me. “Don’t start that unless you’re gonna finish it,” I whispered in hair.

  She twisted, one arm planting herself firmly to rise up and look back at me. “I need good memories…”

  Before I understood what she meant by that, she was traveling down my body. I didn’t exactly like the way she said that. Pain shot through my heart when I realized what that bastard had done to her.

  I watched through hooded lust filled eyes, raised up on my elbows as her mouth came towards my dick.

  Before she even touched me, pleasure shot up my spin, my body shuddering in anticipation. When she finally touched me, a tentative lick from base to tip, I nearly lost it. I’ve never had a blow job but I’ve imagined what they were like. And holy fuck me…my imagination in no way did it justice.

  There were moments when she started to glide her mouth and tongue over me when I lost myself, my head thrown back at the unbelievable sensations.

  I looked down, my eyes half open, watching her head move up and down, her blonde hair curled around my hand gently. There was no pressure added, just resting there with a subtle touch as my hand followed the natural movement of her head.

  She seemed to appreciate the encouragement and smiled around me.

  A memory every man wants?

  Their girl smiling around their dick. I have it now.

  The sounds she made were enough to drive me over the edge, soft moans and sucking.

  I didn’t last long, I couldn’t and though I wanted to come in her mouth, I wasn’t sure she wanted that.

  “Evie…baby…”

  She didn’t look up, a silent okay. With her hands on my upper thighs, she plunged her mouth over me with a mission in mind.

  It ripped through me, a shuttered cry of pleasure through the room as I pulsed in her mouth.

  Evie surprised me too, swallowing, and the regarding me with a smile. Green eyes shined as if she had gotten just as much pleasure from that as I did.

  “Thank you,” she said, watching me.

  My elbows gave out and my head hit the pillow…the euphoria I was experiencing was better than any prescription drug out there. “Why are you thanking me? I should be fuckin’ worshiping you right now.”

  Her head rested against my chest. “This is enough right here. Don’t let go.”

  I heard that sound again. It’s the beat in my chest and the breath in my lungs. It’s a sigh of contentment from lips I worship and a delicate body wrapped around mine.

  I had to work on Monday so we ended up leaving the lake around three that afternoon intending on stopping for dinner, and maybe by the drugstore for those pills.

  Her head was in my lap, my hands were in her pretty blonde locks, twirling the curls around my finger when her hand started to lazily dance circles over my stomach. I knew where that was heading.

  I pulled over,
knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to make it the thirty minutes back to my parent’s house. Not after last night and this morning. She had set fire to my desire for her and now I didn’t want to stop.

  I drove a mile down the road and shut off the engine.

  The bench seat in my truck worked out well. Evie giggled as I hovered over her, my scruff tickling her stomach as I pulled her dress up. My eyes found hers when my hands went to her hips between the edge of her panties and skin. I slipped them down, my mouth lingering over her calves and then lazily making my way higher. She seemed hypnotized by my touch so I took that as an indication to continue.

  I’ll admit, there was some hesitation on my part. I’d never gone down on a girl before. My only experience there would be a scrambled porno we had on base of some girl on girl action.

  I tried to remember it, maybe recall some pointers but then I just went with it hoping she enjoyed it.

  Evie’s eyes were closed, her hands fisted in my hair, the height of her passion giving me guidance. My fingers touched her first, slow and gentle, and then I kissed a path from her right hip to her left, and back again.

  She knew I was teasing her and gave me a squeeze, her hands pushing on the tops over my shoulders. I laughed, gazing up at her in amusement.

  Keeping our gaze, my mouth went lower. I thought that her mouth on me might have been the sexiest thing I ever saw.

  I was wrong.

  My mouth between her legs with her head thrown back, back arched, and hands fisting in my hair was so much sexier.

  I may not have had a clue what I was doing but whatever it was, she was loving it.

  We were a mile down that country road. No one knew where we were as her moans filled the cab of my truck.

  But someone found us.

  The headlights shown over her body as a throaty engine approached.

  I knew that sound.

  I pulled back from Evie and looked out my back window. “We gotta go, Evie.”

  She looked at me and the horror was written on her face as I started the truck and then realized there was no getting out.