All I Have Left

by Shey Stahl

  I’ve heard the sound of a heart breaking. I’ve heard the sound of someone dying. I know it. I felt it. I’ve watched happen right before my eyes.

  It could happen in an instant, in the time it takes for one heart to beat, another breaks. Shatters even.

  I’ve been here before, I’ve seen this first-hand. I’m not walking away from this and they know that. They’re counting on me knowing it.

  Sometimes I think we take warnings for granted. Or maybe, we’re not listening to our gut feeling.

  That day at the baseball fields flashed in my head. The one of Shane watching Grayson, looking for an opportunity to find him unguarded, vulnerable.

  It happened. Shane knew when to act. When Grayson was alone with me would be his chance.

  There’s people in this world who are the embodiment of evil. I don’t think they start out that way. It’s a revenge thing. Do what others have done to you. And Shane’s looking for his revenge.

  I was slipping my panties on when he tapped on the window. “Get out. Both of you.”

  “Start the truck Grayson!”

  He looked at me, confused, but frantic. “Where am I going to go, Evie?” he gestured to the trees. “He’s got us blocked in.”

  Immediately I searched for my phone in my purse only to see it was dead. We had forgotten our chargers so both our phones were useless to us.

  It’s never one thing that goes wrong. It’s everything all at once. A domino effect.

  Shane punched Grayson’s window. “Get. Out.”

  “I’m gonna talk to him.” Grayson looked to Shane, and then back to me. “Stay in the truck.”

  “No!” My heart raced, my eyes darting from Shane to Grayson and then back again.

  “Evie, he’s not leaving.” He shook his head. “We’re not walking away from this. It’s me he wants and if I don’t get out, you could get hurt, too.”

  I grabbed his hand as he reached for the handle, begging. “Please, Grayson…”

  He didn’t listen.

  When Grayson got out, Shane walked around the back of his truck and to his Mustang just as another truck pulled in.

  “What are ya’ll doin’ down here?” Shane asked, leaning against the hood of his mustang, completely relaxed.

  Shane knew what we were doing. I saw the hatred in his eyes. He knew exactly what Grayson was doing to me.

  I got out, not thinking at all. “Shane, stop! Please don’t do this.”

  “Get back in the goddamn truck, Evie!” Grayson yelled at me. And when I didn’t, his anger took over, his eyes glazed in hatred, not for me, but for this situation. “Get in the FUCKING TRUCK!”

  I flinched at the sound of his voice, my tears stinging the back of my throat.

  Shane laughed and looked over his shoulder. “I told you that your time was coming, Grayson. And I keep my fucking promises. You’re not a bad ass now, are you?”

  When that other truck pulled up behind us, that’s when I knew we were in trouble. I’ve never been as scared of Shane as I was right then. And I’m not even sure why. Maybe because it was me he was hurting and I thought if I showed fear, he won.

  Five guys walked towards us, all ready for a fight they knew they’d win.

  Right now things had changed because the one person I love more than anything, the one he could take from me and utterly crucify me at the same time, is now possible. He had the advantage. The fast ball.

  I was scared of him now. I was petrified at the power he held right now.

  “I’ve got something for you,” Shane said, when Lance walked up to him. When Grayson’s eyes shot to Shane’s, I felt the nausea. He had Grayson’s bat.

  “Grayson!”

  Grayson looked at me, the panic in his eyes. “RUN, Evie!”

  “Grayson!” I screamed, a suffocating sensation swallowing me. He didn’t look at me. Instead he reached for Shane. He got a hold on him but not a good one.

  I couldn’t run. There was no time when I was grabbed from behind by another guy. Grayson lunged for the one who grabbed me, knocking him away only to be surrounded by three more.

  You know in the movies where one guy takes down ten full grown men?

  That’s not accurate at all. I don’t care how strong you are, if you’re outnumbered, you’re outnumbered.

  They knew they didn’t stand a chance if Grayson got a hold of any of them but he was outnumbered. Six guys against one. When he would get one away, another got him, as Shane sat back and watched, smiling at me as Lance held me against the side of Grayson’s truck.

  It didn’t matter Grayson’s strength. He couldn’t stand against a bat. A sensation of desolation swept over me, rooting in my veins.

  “You remember this bat, Grayson?” Shane held the bat up, clouded with anger.

  Grayson glared, his eyes so cold, so detached I didn’t know them. The brown had turned to a deeper charcoal color, his brow glowered. “Fuck. You.” He spit blood from where he was kicked in the face.

  “You should remember it…it’s yours.”

  He stepped toward Grayson with the bat in hand, my mind went blank, the shock of defeat taking over.

  The first swing, Shane missed, Grayson twisted away from him but then was caught by another, taller guy who held his hands. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t.

  The next blow came harder, low and on his side. I heard the crack of his ribs even twenty feet away. I pressed my hand over my mouth convulsively.

  Grayson bent forward, attempting to clutch his mid-section, swaying with the blow, his body hunching in pain. I couldn’t see his face, only hear the shallow breaths. He wasn’t going to scream for them to stop. He wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

  Our gaze met, and he studied me for a moment. Was he trying to remember what he was about to lose? It felt that way. I wanted to tell him I loved him, that I was sorry, that…just so much.

  I felt the shuddered breath he took, his broad shoulders heaving.

  “I love you…” I whispered, my throat ached, raw grief taking over, but he heard it. His head was bent forward, his eyes squinting at me. He shook his head, as if he didn’t or couldn’t hear that right now.

  I let out another sob, one of guilt that I led him to Grayson.

  “I fucked her so many times while she begged me to stop,” Shane reached down and made Grayson look at him, his hands twisting Grayson’s face towards his. He made an angry motion toward me holding the bat out straight in my direction. “Does it kill you to know what I did to her? Does it?”

  Grayson wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of an answer, his face stone cold and impassive as two other guys pinned him down.

  Shane knew what would though.

  Me.

  “Just remember,” he looked at Grayson one last time. “You made me do this.”

  When Shane let go and two other guys took a firmer grasp on Grayson, his eyes widened and panic took over.

  He lost it when they moved onto me and finally exploded in a string a violent threats and promises, throwing words like stones. Before I had time to react, I was pinned against the bed of Grayson’s truck trying to get away from them, kicking and screaming.

  “Don’t touch her!” I’d never seen Grayson so angry. His entire body was rigid as rage filled him struggling, fighting for all he was worth to get away from them to save me. “Don’t you fucking touch her!”

  My dress was ripped away, my panties next with the knife in Lance’s hand. My head slammed against the bed. I blinked, I felt dizzy, my head was pounding…things were so disoriented, blackness surrounding me. I felt helpless, humiliated and most of all, angry.

  I was fighting them, trying but one of them punched my stomach. It took my breath away but I heard Grayson then, the roar of his angry threats.

  Before I could recover from the blow to my stomach, there was another, this time with an object I couldn’t make out and I felt a sudden intake of breath. I blinked furiously until my vision came back.

  “Don�
��t…” I begged.

  Shane smiled at me. “I should fuck you with this knife so he can never enjoy your pussy again, shouldn’t I?”

  “You fucking touch her and I will kill you!” Grayson spit blood to the side, tears and blood streaming down his face as he shook from his sobs. “LET HER GO!” So much was behind Grayson’s screams. Years of pain, regret, anger, it was all there and so raw.

  I squeezed my eyes shut trying not to see, keeping my heart cold and still.

  I waited for the next blow and once it did, everything was blurry, my tears and blood overtaking.

  “Watch, Grayson,” Shane warned, growling in frustration, his voice sharp like the cuts I felt over my body from being dragged over the bed of the truck. “Fucking watch or I’ll kill her right now in front of you!”

  Grayson wouldn’t look, despite the threat, he tried to shake his head but couldn’t when the guy holding his head made him look.

  “I’m going to kill you!” Grayson cried, his body convulsing into wrenched sobs. “I’m going kill you…I’m fucking…” he couldn’t finish, he couldn’t even catch his breath.

  I’m not sure how much he could see. I couldn’t see his eyes from my position on the bed of his truck. Suddenly, my view only of Shane. My hands were pinned down by Lance and another guy, their knees crushing them against the metal.

  “Watch me fuck her against your truck.” Shane looked over his shoulder after he unzipped his pants, his eyes on Grayson again. “I fucked her, over and over again that night you sang to her. I fucked her while she screamed for you,” he laughed, his hands on my thighs spreading my legs apart. “You couldn’t save her. You never could.”

  “YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Grayson screamed through his sobs, fighting, his face red and pulsing. “YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!”

  Licking his lips, I felt the sharpness of the metal on the bed as Shane slid me to the edge, laughing. I tried to fight back with my legs but I couldn’t. There was no way I could fight him off.

  “I fucking hate you!” I screamed spitting in his face.

  Shane closed his eyes, and then smiled grabbing me by the chin. “Hate me all you want, sweetheart…”

  I paled as he forced inside of me, his breath on mine. “Take it,” he said, low, burning me. “Fucking take it. You’ll always be wrecked by me. You’re always gonna have this fucking reminder of me.”

  I know now there’s a lot of truth to that. More than I want to feel or believe.

  I could hear the guys holding Grayson, shouting at him as he fought back, provoking him further knowing damn well he had to take it, he couldn’t get away from them. “They’re fucking your girl, man. She’s never gonna have that tight pussy you want! You’re never gonna fuck her again!”

  Shane looked back to me. “He’ll never fuck you as good as I do. Never.”

  My mind went blank, my eyes on the sun sinking in the sky, wishing it would take me with it. I heard Grayson’s cries for them to stop, his begging. They wouldn’t.

  I tried to focus on something else. My mind drifted back to Grayson and me on this very truck bed in high school and the memories we shared. I thought of Friday night baseball games and sticky nights, cicada and the sounds of summer sweet love.

  Pain shot through my legs again, I was dragged down further to the edge, my vision of Grayson restored. I gazed at him, the pain spreading into a fiery gnawing grief.

  Grayson’s shoulders were hunched forward, shaking, unable to watch anymore.

  When he did look up, his brow was drawn together, agonized guilt making them bloodshot and rimmed with tears. He looked away, at the ground. I tore mine away next with a choking cry. Pain shot up my body, my desecrated and abused body. Swallowing, I tried to control my tears but I couldn’t. There’s no use. No fight left.

  My eyelids were heavy, like iron gates trying to close, to hide, to retreat. My body was shivering, not from cold, from shock, a sweat broke out over my skin. Blood flooded to my temples, pounding away. I was physically and emotionally shutting down. My body’s way of protecting my psyche.

  …

  “I love you, Evie…”

  …

  “Where else would I go?”

  …

  “Please don’t ever leave me…”

  …

  I could feel my heart beating, for me, for Grayson, for us.

  I couldn’t save myself, I knew that. I couldn’t save Grayson, I knew that too.

  I flinched every time he pushed in, silent cries shaking me. I turned my head, my eyes caught Grayson’s and I had to look away, I couldn’t take the sadness. It killed me then. The way the tears fell from his eyes, his screams I could no longer hear, the violent shaking and struggling, it was slow motion. His eyes, oh God, those eyes. He looked like he would sacrifice the beat in his heaving chest for me, take his own breath and give it to me. Give me his strength to fight, but he couldn’t.

  There’s things that will happen to you in your life. Things you’ll never walk away from, you just won’t. This is one of them.

  When Shane was done, the pain didn’t stop. It lasted what seemed like hours, but maybe only minutes. His friends took their turn, one by one, all five of them while Grayson screamed until he had nothing left.

  His screams were all I could hear. That howling thunder as he swore to them he would kill every last one of them.

  I looked at him again as Lance hovered over me, taking another piece of my soul I wasn’t sure I had to give anymore. “I’ve waited a long time for this…” Lance whispered, his whiskey lit breath attacking me.

  “Please stop…” I moaned, but no one heard me.

  The truck shook as Shane moved around, his feet near my head.

  “This is because of you, Grayson!” Shane yelled, standing on the truck bed and swung the bat shattering the back window in his truck. Glass sprayed over me, in my eyes, over my body, grating against my raw skin.

  When Lance was done, Shane jumped down from the bed of the truck and over to Grayson, the bat in his hand. He stared at him for a long moment, longer than I would have expected him to before he smiled at him.

  “Fuck you, soldier boy. You couldn’t fucking save her or yourself!” Shane spit and then swung the bat.

  The sound it made when it connected with Grayson’s temple was one I will never forget. It was a bone chilling sound, a heart stopping and life ending.

  The stillness that followed consumed me. A bitter cold, lightless, future played out without him.

  I don’t remember them leaving. I don’t. I remember dying inside. That’s what is felt like when I saw Grayson fall face first into the dirt, blood pouring from the side of his head.

  I somehow made my way over to him. My knees gave out again and I collapsed next to him. My arms and legs felt too weak to support me, and they don’t, they can’t.

  There was blood everywhere. I couldn’t…I sobbed into his chest, crying so hard, so loud, his head fell back in the gravel, blood pouring from the gash on the side of his head. I held him, it was all I could do.

  Grayson came around, mumbled something, and then vomited. I turned him to the side, trying to help, but then he went limp in my arms, his body completely still.

  “Baby, it’s okay,” I said, pressing my lips to face. “Please stay with me…” I rocked him back and forth, telling him this, over and over again. “I love you…I love you…”

  I kissed his hands, his bloody face and lips, told him I loved him as much as I could. If this was the end, he needed to know. If by chance he was still alive, those were the last words I wanted him to hear, all he had left to hear.

  I’ve lost all I have. My hands and fingers felt numb, my body and mind dazed at what to do next. I was at an impasse and just stayed with him, a moment frozen in a corner of hell.

  It’s hard to describe the pain you feel when you lose everything you love.

  I’m being burned alive. I felt my skin melting and peeling, dying. My chest was ripped open, bare, bloody, my heart fo
r the taking.

  I looked at him intently. I could have burned a hole through him.

  They’re lucky. He’s fucking lucky. I’m going to kill all them with my bare hands. No way will they walk away. I wasn’t going to let them touch her.

  But they did. He did. And she was screaming. It’s a horror I will never forget. A nightmare I’ll never walk away from.

  “I will kill you. I will!” I cried, my throat raw with protests. “I will!”

  I could see Evie, horrified and shaking, her screams were silent now, but I felt them. The sound cut deep and I tasted its blood, its fear, its fucking sadness.

  My eyes closed, I breathed but the breaths hurt, a bitter cold taking over. I don’t want to feel anymore. I can’t. I don’t feel anything. But then, with a blink, I felt everything.

  I’m detached, like maybe I was dreaming but I wasn’t. It’s so fucking real that I’ll never wake-up. I’ve been here. I know this. It doesn’t end with me walking away this time. It never did. From the beginning, to the end, this was how it would end. If anything could destroy me, it’s her and this.

  I prayed for darkness and it finally came. I saw the bat, my bat, the one I hit seventy-eight home runs with my senior year. The first bat I ever swung.

  It was slow motion when he swung, and as it was mid-air, I closed my eyes, my last vision of Evie, being raped, screaming for me to make them stop.

  I thought maybe I was dreaming. I heard things, people talking but it’s not a conversation, it’s words I’ve heard before, different voices, different days. I felt unbearable sickening pain, my heart being ripped out. It’s on the ground before me and I’m staring at it in the dirt.

  …

  “Grayson, let’s just tell them anything. Even if it’s a lie. Then they’ll let us go.”

  …

  “I love you…”

  …

  “Are you sure?”

  …

  “I want new memories…”

  …

  “Tell Kate and Kellen I love them…”

  …

  “This is enough right here. Don’t let go.”

  …