by Jeff Strand
And then Jaunty got an idea.
No, he didn't like that idea and he didn't have access to a fire truck.
This was followed by another, much more practical idea.
"Depravo is dead," said Jaunty. "But his greatest gift to humanity may be that he died before he ran out of machine gun ammunition. If one of us can get up there with his gun and then sort of, y'know, hold the gun really low and spin it around in a circle, I think he or she might be able to clear out enough of the baby spiders that the others can hack up the momma spider with the other weapons."
"I like that plan," said Reginald. "What I don't like is the idea that we have to run inside a building, hurry to the roof, and then leap down upon the spider to get on its back. What if it crawls away? What if it destroys the building while we're running up the stairs? Too many variables."
"That's not how we're going to get up there," said Jaunty.
"Then how?" asked Reginald.
"Yeah, then how?" asked Bluehead.
Jaunty checked to make sure the monster spider wasn't about to destroy any more of the building with the innocent children in it, then returned his attention to the conversation with his fellow clowns.
"The spider is as tall as a house, right?" he asked.
"Yes," said Reginald.
"What else is as tall as a house?"
"A giraffe, but I'm sure a giraffe doesn't figure into your plan."
"A helicopter?" asked Bluehead. "Is your plan to somehow lure the helicopter back here?"
"No," said Jaunty. "What's as tall as a house? Three clowns, perched on each other's shoulders!"
"My God, you're right!" said Reginald.
"We're all limber! We stack ourselves, and then the clown on top clears out the baby spiders with the machine gun. It's sad that they won't get the opportunity to grow up into vicious killers but we can't worry about that right now. Then that clown pulls up the other two clowns, we slay the giant spider, and we're done!"
"I'm the most acrobatic," said Bluehead. "I'll be on top."
"I'm the strongest," said Reginald. "I'll be on the bottom."
"And I'm the most average," said Jaunty. "I'll be in the middle."
Jaunty went over and retrieved Depravo's machine gun, saying a quick silent prayer over his severed legs. No time to wipe the blood off the weapon. He gave the dripping gun to Bluehead, and she gave the machete to Reginald.
"If one or more of us die, I just want to say that it's been an honor clowning around with you," said Reginald.
The three of them hugged, being careful not to stab each other with the machete or the spiked bat in the process. Then Jaunty climbed up and sat on Reginald's shoulders. Bluehead climbed up both of them and sat on Jaunty's shoulders.
Reginald walked them toward the spider. It might have been more practical to wait until they were closer to the beast before they climbed on each other's shoulders, but this felt more dramatic.
Jaunty thought the spider grinned at them with its fanged mouth.
Nope. That had to be his imagination. He considered asking the others if they'd noticed it, but decided that if they thought they saw a giant spider grin at them, he'd rather they keep the nightmarish observation to themselves.
The spider turned directly toward them, as if preparing for battle.
It slammed eight of its ten legs onto the ground, smashing through the pavement. Reginald, Jaunty, and Bluehead stumbled backward, then stumbled forward, then stumbled backward again, and then fell.
They got up quickly.
"Is that all you've got?" Jaunty shouted.
"It probably has a lot more, so maybe don't taunt it," said Bluehead.
"Climb back on!" said Reginald. "We still have a job to do!"
"Uhhhh..." said Jaunty. "Did you, uh, notice the, uhhhh...?"
"Yes," said Reginald, holding up his arm that now had a machete blade sticking all the way through it. "Please remove it."
Jaunty gently slid the blade out of Reginald's arm. "Does it hurt?" he asked.
"Quite a bit, yes. But at least I'm on the bottom, so I won't bleed all over you two. Let's do this!"
"Are you sure you're up for it? That wound looks like a gusher."
"Let's do this!"
They got back into their clown stack and turned to face the enemy.
"I think it just grinned at us!" said Bluehead.
They cast their fear aside and charged at it.
The spider slammed its legs down again, destroying more of the road. Reginald, Jaunty, and Bluehead wobbled violently but did not fall.
And then they were right there in front of a terrifying giant spider and Jaunty thought he could feel its hot foul breath right on his face even though he didn't think that matched up with standard spider biology.
Bluehead leapt onto its back.
She did a few frantic kicks, clearing out her immediate area, then crouched down and opened fire. Jaunty couldn't see exactly what was happening up there, because he was making it a point not to get shot in the head, but lots of small spiders poured off the side of the monstrous one. He did notice the irony that he thought of these spiders as "small," whereas twelve hours ago he would've said "Whoa! Those are the biggest spiders I've ever seen!"
More and more dead baby spiders fell to the ground in an arachnid rain.
Finally the gunfire stopped. "I'm out of ammo," said Bluehead, "but I cleared out a lot of space. C'mon up!"
She leaned over the side of the creature from hell and extended her hands to Jaunty. She helped pull him up, while he kept his legs firmly on Reginald's shoulders, and Reginald placed his own feet against the side of the spider to help himself climb up. It was a rather impressive acrobatic feat for the three of them to make it to the top, though there was no time to admire their accomplishment.
There were significantly more baby spiders up here than Jaunty would've hoped to see, but he obviously wasn't going to criticize the job Bluehead had done.
It suddenly occurred to Jaunty that they were all now standing on the back of a house-sized spider. He knew this was how things would work out when he was climbing up there, but still, he couldn't believe it. Sheer fright overtook him. His legs buckled beneath him and he fell to his knees.
"No," said Reginald. "You have to stay strong! I'm losing lots of blood and I don't think I'll be awake much longer, so I need you two to bring your A-game to this! Be brave! Do it for the children!"
He handed the machete to Bluehead. She immediately began to slam it deep into the spider's back, over and over again.
Reginald was right. Jaunty had to push past the fear or he'd end up between the spider's jaws, which would be even scarier than being up here. He stood up, then smashed the spiked baseball bat against the spider's back. Some goo sprayed from the wound. Excellent. Goo was good. This was going to work.
The spider turned and the clowns almost spilled over the side.
It smashed into the building with the children.
It wasn't just using its legs this time. It was walking right into the structure, smashing through brick and wood and carpet and appliances and everything else.
Children shrieked in terror.
Jaunty and Bluehead kept whacking and stabbing the spider, while Reginald went around kicking baby spiders out of the way.
The entire building was going to collapse!
An extremely large piece of rubble struck the spider, coming inches from hitting Jaunty. He hoped it hurt.
Reginald bonked his head on a large chunk of dangling ceiling.
The spider continued to smash through the building. Pipes burst and electrical wires sparked. A four-poster bed slid down the spider's back and the clowns barely dove out of the way in time.
Something smacked into Jaunty's head. His vision went black for a second.
A large piece of wood hit Bluehead. She lost her balance, tumbled backwards, and fell off the spider.
"No!" Jaunty screamed.
He rushed over to the side. Bluehead was still hanging
on to one of the spider's legs, but she had both of her arms wrapped around it. She'd lost her machete.
The spider broke through to the other side of the building, which collapsed behind them.
The children screamed. They were still alive! Jaunty didn't have time to do a full count, but it looked like all of them, plus the guardian. They fled as the spider continued its pursuit.
Jaunty whacked the spider with the baseball bat, over and over and over and over, sending up big thick wet globs but not seeming to do much to slow the monster. It was simply too huge to kill with a spiked baseball bat.
Could they steer it off a cliff?
No. There were no cliffs around here. And they had no method of steering the spider. They were its passengers with no say in its final destination.
"This isn't working!" shouted Bluehead from below.
She was right. This wasn't working. If they kept up their current strategy, the spider would have a sore back and several human children in its stomach. They had to figure out something else.
The grenades!
No, they'd been smoke grenades and they left them at the library.
The helicopter! The helicopter might show up in the nick of time and tilt itself so that its propeller blades sliced through the spider! Half of the spider would fall in one direction, half would fall in the other, and the beast would be destroyed!
No, the clowns would die in the process, and the helicopter was nowhere to be seen. They needed a plan that didn't rely on others showing up to save them.
"I hate to say this, but you can see how bad off I am," said Reginald, holding up his blood-drenched arm. "I'm going to pass out soon."
Jaunty's eyes widened. "Say that again!"
"I'm going to pass out soon."
Jaunty's eyes narrowed. "No, wait, that's not helpful at all."
"Just thought I should let you know before I got too dizzy to speak. I hope I don't slide off its back."
"Say that again!"
"Just thought I should—"
"No, the part about sliding off its back!"
"I hope I don't slide—"
"Off its back! We've been trying to ruin its back! But what's more vulnerable than its back?"
"Ummmm..."
"Its head! We need to wreck its head!"
"Its head is inconveniently located. It's not like a normal spider head! That's why we didn't go for it sooner."
"I know, but now we have no choice! I need you to hold my legs while I dangle over the side and beat the holy heck out of its head with the baseball bat."
Reginald nodded. "Okay."
As they scrambled over to the front of the spider, Jaunty wished one of the other clowns was going to handle this part. But Reginald was too badly injured, Bluehead was stuck on its leg, and it had been his idea. Jaunty had to do it.
Jaunty lay down flat on his stomach.
Reginald held his legs.
Reginald passed out.
Jaunty slipped over the side.
He landed on the spider's head, which was about the size of the bull at the rodeo that broke his arm all those years ago, though of course it was a completely different shape. He almost slipped off the spider's head as well, but locked his legs around it. The spider looked up at him with its numerous eyes and Jaunty just couldn't handle the overwhelming terror anymore. He began to weep.
Then he smashed the baseball bat into its skull, if spiders had a skull; if not, he just bashed it into the top of its head.
The spider seemed unhappy about this.
He kept hitting it with the bat, now trying to spike a different eye with each blow.
The spider lurched forward.
Jaunty almost fell off, but though he twisted around he didn't completely lose his grip. He did realize that his left leg was now right next to the spider's giant mouth.
He swung his leg out of the way as the spider tried to take a bite.
He was totally blubbering at this point.
The spider snapped at his leg again. Its fangs caught on his pant leg.
Jaunty made the least brave sound he'd ever emitted in his life.
The spider was stumbling ahead, almost at a run now.
He slammed the baseball bat into the spider's head again and again.
And again and again and again.
Then the bat, slick with spider gore, slipped out of his hands and plummeted to the ground.
This was bad, but through his tear-filled eyes Jaunty saw plenty of holes he'd made in the spider's head. He slammed his fists into them, digging as far into the spider's cranium or exoskeleton or whatever as he could. He grabbed large handfuls of muck and flung it away.
The spider, now blind unless Jaunty had missed an eye somewhere, kept picking up speed.
It was headed straight for a building.
Jaunty twisted himself around, tore his pants free of the spider's mouth, and then, using every last remaining ounce of his clown strength, he climbed up onto its back.
The spider crashed into the building.
Its head exploded upon impact.
The spider collapsed, bringing down much of the building and making a massive hole in the pavement underneath it.
Smoke and dust filled the air.
For a few moments, Jaunty just lay there, eyes squeezed shut.
Then he felt a baby spider crawl on his leg so he kicked it over the side.
He opened his eyes.
Reginald was on the spider's back next to him, still breathing.
Bluehead gave him a thumbs-up, causing her to lose her grip on the spider's leg and fall to the ground. But since the spider was dead, she didn't fall very far. She gave him another thumbs-up.
Soon the air was filled with the sounds of cheering children and the approaching military tank.
EPILOGUE
One of the kids had an iPhone, and had captured the entire battle with the giant mother spider. Jaunty wished he weren't doing so much crying in the video, but it didn't matter—the clowns were still heroes.
The town of Mount Tulip had been blanketed with pesticide and was now filled with dead spiders. There were so many of them that their bodies had no value on eBay. Anybody who wanted a spider souvenir could have one.
Mayor Fawn praised the clowns, saying that all of the destruction and almost irreparable damage to the town's infrastructure was irrelevant when compared to the lives of the children they'd saved. And yes, the children were all terminally ill, being cared for by a nurse, but that too was irrelevant.
Reginald's arm would work properly again. Not soon, but eventually. And when he could juggle again, he, Jaunty, and Bluehead were ready to open the Wacky & Delightful Guffaw & Wagon Tribute Clown Theater. (Jaunty felt a little guilty that Depravo didn't make it into the name, but the name "Depravo" just didn't suit the family friendly tone they were going for with this particular endeavor.)
It was a whole new world. Everybody loved clowns. Movies about scary clowns were removed from online streaming services, and plans were cancelled for It: Chapter Three, enraging Stephen King, who tweeted that they'd made a powerful enemy.
Clowns were no longer nightmarish. They were delightful. They were joy-bringers.
Were all of the fatalities worth it in the end? No, thought Jaunty. Probably not. There'd been an awful lot of them beyond the deaths they personally witnessed.
But as he, Reginald, and Bluehead sat on the porch swing of their brand-new trailer, eating the finest macaroni and cheese in the Midwest, they had to admit that life was pretty good for a clown.
The End
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Giant arachnid-sized thanks to Tod Clark, Donna Fitzpatrick, Paul Goblirsch, Kate Halpern, Lynne Hansen, Michael McBride, Jim Morey, Rhonda Rettig, and Paul Synuria II for their assistance with this project.
Sincere apologies to people who were rooting for the spiders.
Remember: Readers who leave reviews deserve great big hugs!
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Books By Jeff Strand
My Pretties. A serial kidnapper keeps women locked in cages that dangle from the ceiling of his soundproof basement. But he may have met his match in the two young ladies who walk the city streets at night, using themselves as bait...
Five Novellas. A compilation of Stalking You Now, An Apocalypse of Our Own, Faint of Heart, Kutter, and Facial.
Ferocious. The creatures of the forest are dead...and hungry!
Bring Her Back. A tale of revenge and madness.
Sick House. A home invasion from beyond the grave.
Bang Up. A filthy comedic thriller. "You want to pay me to sleep with your wife?" is just the start of the story.
Cold Dead Hands. Ten people are trapped in a freezer during a terrorist attack on a grocery store.
How You Ruined My Life (Young Adult). Sixteen-year-old Rod has a pretty cool life until his cousin Blake moves in and slowly destroys everything he holds dear.
Everything Has Teeth. A third collection of short tales of horror and macabre comedy.
An Apocalypse of Our Own. Can the Friend Zone survive the end of the world?
Stranger Things Have Happened (Young Adult). Teenager Marcus Millian III is determined to be one of the greatest magicians who ever lived. Can he make a live shark disappear from a tank?
Cyclops Road. When newly widowed Evan Portin gives a woman named Harriett a ride out of town, she says she's on a cross-country journey to slay a Cyclops. Is she crazy, or...?
Blister. While on vacation, cartoonist Jason Tray meets the town legend, a hideously disfigured woman who lives in a shed.
The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever (Young Adult). Three best friends with more passion than talent try to make the ultimate zombie epic.
Kumquat. A road trip comedy about TV, hot dogs, death, and obscure fruit.
