Ben: What are you doing today?
Me: Mom has the kids so I could have the morning to myself.
Ben: Again?
I can almost hear the worry in that one-word text. I know the exact look that he’s giving the phone as he sent that message.
Me: Yeah. So what are you doing?
Ben: I had to rest for a little bit, I feel like it’s been nonstop in here for too long.
An idea forms instantly. I drain my wine and jump up from the couch. Rushing into the kitchen I rinse out my glass, placing it in the sink then turn on my heels and run upstairs to my room. I haven’t gotten a shower yet today so I strip and jump in. Getting in before the water was warm enough, so I’m screeching and pressing my body against the wall farthest away from the spray, trying not to be caught underneath of it until it’s warmer.
When it finally reaches my desired temperature, I grab shampoo and wash my hair slathering some conditioner in there too. Washing my body and shaving the necessities, I hurry and rinse myself clean. Turning the water off, I grab the towel from the rack and dry myself off as I’m walking into my room. Going to my dresser I grab some clothes. Not really caring what it is I’m grabbing.
The shop doesn’t actually open until one, so it gives me time. I glance at my phone just to check how much time I do have. Running my fingers through my hair, I finger comb it up into a high pony tail.
Slipping my feet into my flip flops, I grab my keys and my phone and run out the front door. Barely remembering to lock it behind me.
The short drive seems to take forever, even though it really isn’t that far, but when I pull into the tattoo shop’s parking lot nerves instantly wrack my body. What if he won’t want to take time out of his day to see me? Or just to even talk to me while he’s working? I know when he’s focused you usually can’t distract him.
Taking a deep breath, I turn the car off and step out of it. Slamming the door behind me, I reach for the door handle that will lead me into the shop. Ben is sitting on the couch drinking from a water bottle he must have just pulled from the fridge. He looks up when he hears the bell and a look of shock crosses his face.
Standing from the couch he makes his way over to me. “What brought ya out here?” There is no accusing tone in his voice, he doesn’t sound defensive, he sounds genuinely pleased to have me here. Maybe this will go the way I want it to.
“I got bored at home, and you said you were taking a break from whatever it is you’re working on today so I decided to surprise you.” The more guilt I feel, the more I want to throw myself at my husband to make myself feel better.
Ben smiles a warm, full tooth smile at me. “Well, come on back. Let me show you what I’ve been doing.” He laces his fingers through mine, and leads me away from the reception area.
Our first stop is the bathroom, then one of four tattoo rooms, and finally his office. He tells me everything that he’s done in each room. Most of it going over my head since I don’t understand how remodeling things are done, but the end result is absolutely beautiful.
“It all looks really great, Ben. How much longer do you think you have?” I kind of just want my husband home with me more.
He looks around again. Taking in everything. “Probably a month, maybe a little more. What really brought you down here, Lyla?” Oh, he used my name. It feels like he’s the parent scolding the insolent child when he actually uses my first name. He’s always used some kind of pet name for me. Unless we’re arguing, but we aren’t arguing right now.
I look him in the eye. “I really was bored at home, I had just sat down to read when you texted. So I thought I would get ready and come down here and see what you’ve done. Maybe seduce you into fucking me on the desk.”
We had ended up back on the couch he was occupying when I first got here. So I lean over and nudge him on the shoulder and wiggle my eyebrows at him. But he doesn’t look amused at all.
He grabs my hand that’s closest to him. “I’ve been worried about you. I know you say you’re fine, but I’m starting to not believe you.” His face shows that absolute truth of his words.
I look down at our hands. Running my thumb back and forth over his one hand. I try to collect myself, I need to give him something. Just a tiny little truth twisted around all these lies I’ve built up. If I give him something, maybe he’ll finally just leave it be.
“I’ve just been overwhelmed. Moving back home, getting the house in order, you taking on this renovation. Which the renovation isn’t at all what started it. I think I’ve just been down since I had Kody. I’m trying. I’m digging myself out of it. It just isn’t something that is going to happen overnight. I know you all want to see me be different. But, right now, I don’t know how. But, I promise you, I’m working on it.”
He leans forward, still holding my hand. “I’ve been Googling. And I think you have a little bit of post-partum depression. I think the internet called it ‘the baby blues.’ It also said that most of the time you can come out of it yourself, but sometimes you need help. If you get to that point where I think you cannot do this yourself, I’m going to get you the help you need. Despite what you think, I won’t let you slip away from me.”
God, I do love my husband. I really do. I just can’t help but feel like I’ve already slipped.
BEN DECIDED TO take the rest of the day off from working on the shop. After our heart to heart, I’m sure he just wanted to spend a little more time with me. To reassure himself that I’m really okay. He went to go pick up the kids, while I came straight home. The house was relatively clean from the last time I picked up. So I came in and just sat down on the couch, opting to wait for my husband to get here before I got too wound up on doing anything.
When I hear Ben pull into the driveway, I get up to go outside to help him bring the kids in. I’m shocked when I open the door to see my parents pulling in behind him. Oooookay. I leave the front door open and I head out and grab Kody out of his car seat. Ben grabs Kay and the diaper bags. When we get inside, I still leave the door open because my parents will be walking in any second.
“Let’s go put the kids down for naps.” Kay’s instant outrage makes me chuckle. She is just like her daddy, always wanting to be up and doing other things rather than napping.
I mumble out a halfhearted “sure” not really sure what to expect when we get back down to my parents. It isn’t lost on me that they’re coming over after Ben was around them. Alone. They probably talked about me and now they’re here so they can form some kind of intervention for me. God, I’m already defensive and I’m not even sure this is why they’re here.
My parents have made themselves at home, relaxing on the loveseat across from the couch. Their faces say everything I need to know before they can even open their mouths. I settle in on the couch, I may as well wait for Ben. That way they can all gang up on me the way they want to.
“Babe, your parents and I talked when I stopped to pick up the kids.” Big surprise there. His face gives nothing away though. I raise my eyebrows expectantly, urging him to go on. “I think your mom should take over, just know that I love you. And what they have to tell you will not change anything.”
Well, what the fuck?
My eyes turn to my mom. Taking in her appearance for the first time since I walked down those stairs. Her hair is disheveled, looking like she ran her hands through it like she does when she’s nervous. Her eyes look sad and she looks tired. Maybe this really didn’t have anything to do with my extracurricular activities.
My dad places his hand on my mom’s back. Giving her the support she clearly needs to go forth with this conversation. If it’s this hard for her to even begin, I’m not sure I really want to know what this has to do with.
“Mom . . . listen . . .” She cuts me off though.
“No, Lyla. You’ll sit there and you’ll listen to me. This is not something I ever thought I would have to tell you. So you’ll let me get it out then you can speak.” My mom never raises her voice, or t
alks to me the way she just did. So, being the good child I am, I zip my lips shut with my fingers and metaphorically throw away the key.
Ben and my dad chuckle at my antics. They really shouldn’t be surprised.
“Baby, I’m so sorry you have to find this out this way.” She stops and sucks in a deep breath. “After your father and I got married, we tried for so long to have kids. But we were never able to. Even after three failed In Vitro attempts we didn’t give up hope. We started looking into adoption through the state. We didn’t want a small agency, where teen moms were supposed to just hand pick their ideal family for their child. I have a friend who worked in the office in Columbus, and I put out word to her. And after what seemed like way too long, she finally called me. Telling me they were given this angelic, sweet baby girl.
“I knew with this phone call that you were it. I didn’t even need to meet you or hold you to know that you were the baby that was meant to be ours. So we jumped into our cars and met my friend. The process to adopt would take a while, but we were already licensed to foster so we were able to take you home right away. When I first held you in my arms, you were such a tiny little thing. You barely ever cried, you just sat in my arms gazing up at me. Like you knew right in your heart that I was your momma.”
Tears have filled my eyes and as they slide down my cheeks, I don’t even move to wipe them away. I never in a million years thought that this would be the thing that my parents needed to tell me. I never felt there was something they weren’t telling me, something that they kept locked up tight.
“All of that brings me to why I was forced to tell you this today. My friend still works for the same office, and she called me this morning after I got back home from picking up the kids. She said that your biological father came in and talked to her a couple days ago. She knew exactly who he was, remembered him and your mom coming in so many years ago. It seems that he’s cleaning himself up. Going through some sort of twelve step program, and one of the things he needs to do is make peace with his past.” She finally looks at me.
“I never would have told you this. I didn’t feel it was necessary, you are our daughter. I wanted to protect you from the hurt it would have surely caused. But, your biological father, I know he needs this. He needs to know you’re okay. So he can move on with his life.”
My dad finally speaks. “Lyla, if you want to meet him all you have to do is say the word. We’ll get you the information you need and you can do with it what you will. But I want you to know that I don’t regret keeping this from you. Ever since we brought you home, you have belonged to us. We provided you with the life you deserved. We loved you with all our hearts and souls from day one. This isn’t a competition, but just remember that he probably isn’t the person you think he is.”
“Why don’t we let Lyla make that decision for herself. She’s stronger than you give her credit for. Get the information she needs, so that way she has it if she decides to meet him. It’s up to her to feel him out and see what kind of person he is. Not you guys. And I don’t agree with your decision to keep this from her at all. I think it was shitty of you guys, I respect the hell out of you guys, but you should have been honest with her long ago.” Ben stands up from the couch and leaves the living room, going out to the kitchen.
“Sweetheart, we just wanted what was best for you. Please believe me.” My mom stands up, and comes around the coffee table to me. I stand up to meet her and she immediately wraps her arms around me. Without hesitation I wrap mine around her neck, relishing the feel of my mother’s arms around me. One of the people who raised me to be the person I am today.
No matter what happens with meeting my biological father, and how shocked I am by all of this, she is still my mom.
I pull back and say, “I think I need both of you to leave. Please tell your friend I want his information. I need time to process all of this, and I can’t do that when I have to look at you, because it’ll make me feel bad that I want to meet him.”
Without saying anything they both stand up, and head towards the door. My mom says a small goodbye, and my dad says, “Baby, we love you. Just remember that.”
“I know, I love you too.” I stand there and stare at the front door long after it’s closed. Not moving, just thinking, trying to process what I’ve been told. I don’t even hear Ben come up behind me until he wraps his arms around me, pressing my back to his front. Holding me and supporting me without pushing me to talk about this because I’m far from ready for that yet.
IT’S BEEN A WEEK since I’ve talked to my mom. Not because I didn’t want to talk to her, but because I feel like she’s going to be heart broken when I tell her I’m taking a trip to meet my biological father. I’ve had his address since two days after my parents came over here.
In just two days I’m planning on driving to look at where my biological father lives. Ben is working on the shop all weekend so he isn’t able to go. He really wanted to take the time off to come with me, but he really can’t afford to. Every minute the remodel goes over the time frame, the more money it’s going to cost us.
So, Michelle is coming with me for moral support. Her words, not mine. I’ve been obsessing over potentially seeing my biological father, so not much else has been on my mind lately. It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve seen Bronson too. But, like I said, he hasn’t really been on my mind.
I finally have a positive focus for when Ben is working.
Kay is running around the house like a mad woman and Kody is standing up next to the coffee table banging a bunch of blocks together, making a ton of noise.
I’m puttering around the kitchen trying to make sure everything is cleaned up after preparing dinner and shoving it in the oven. When Kay starts making laps around the living room into the kitchen, I decide it’s time to go to the park and wear out some of her energy.
Loading everyone up into the car I back out of the driveway and drive in the direction of the best place ever created for frustrated parents.
Finding the first available parking spot, I pull in. Turning the car off, I get out and walk to the back door and open Kody’s side. And I’m met with Kay standing there with a giant smile on her face. Looks like someone figured out how to get out of her car seat. Wonderful.
“All right, pretty girl. Wait a second for me to get Kody out, then I’ll get you out and you can go play. Okay?”
“Okay, Mommy.” She’s bouncing while standing still. For the millionth time, I wish I had her energy.
I get Kody out of his seat and make sure I have a good hold of him, then grab Kay’s hand and help her jump down from the car. And before I can even shut the door and set the alarm, Kay is off heading towards the play sets. “Kody, I don’t think your sister likes us very much when we’re here. She would much rather abandon us to go play with the other kids her age.”
Just like I knew he wouldn’t he doesn’t answer me. Or acknowledge me at all. Oh the joys of being a parent that has a kid that doesn’t talk. Always makes us look like we’re carrying on a conversation with ourselves. I walk over to the same bench I always occupy when we come here. Today, I brought my Kindle with me so I have something to do while Kody crawls around right in front of me and plays with his toys.
I place him down on the ground right in front of the bench. I pull all the toys I have with me out of the diaper bag and set them down in front of him. He squeals with delight and dives for all of his favorite toys.
Reaching for my Kindle I settle back into the uncomfortable bench and open up Persuading Him. A sexy erotic novella by Michelle Dare. I read about half of the book while I’m sitting there. I glance up every twenty seconds it feels like, to match sure Kay is still out there playing and to check on Kody.
Every once in a while she would come screaming over to me to show me a bug or rock or something “super cool” that she found. This girl is nothing like her mama, I despise bugs. Kody starts getting fussy, so I grab his puffs out of the bag. I take the lid off and shake a few
out into my hand and hold one out to his mouth, and a voice to my right completely about makes me lose my mind.
“Hey, there. I was wondering when I would see you again.” Like Bronson, she needs a bell when she’s coming towards me.
“Jesus Christ, Sophie. What the hell, man?” I’m slightly out of breath from being scared.
She laughs, and it floats around us like she truly doesn’t have a care in the world. “I’m sorry. I was wondering if I would hear from you. I thought I would hear from you before I ran into you.”
She came around the bench to sit on the empty spot. She takes the container of puffs from the bag and starts feeding Kody herself. I let my eyes roam around the park just to make sure no one is within hearing range. “I’ve thought about calling you, but I just don’t think this is something I can do.”
Her eyebrows reach her hairline after she hears me. “Seriously? I know you felt how I’ve felt. I know you have, I see the same look my eyes had in yours. I know you want to try it.” She lowers her voice to a whisper.
“Wow, talk about peer pressure.” I crush the few puffs I had left in my hand. Nerves getting the best of me so I feel the need to fidget.
“Well, you could start small and try pills out. Something that will give you a little thrill, give you a little taste to see what you’re missing.” She continues to hold her hand out to Kody, offering up the puffs allowing him to feed himself. He only gets about every third one into his mouth.
She looks so sad, sitting there feeding him. “I don’t think that I want to go down this road. I mean what am I really getting myself into? I’m not a druggie, nor do I want to be.”
“I’m not addicted to it. I don’t have withdrawals or sit there jonesing for it. I do it to help me forget,” Sophie says, while not looking at me.
“I know life gets tough, hell I know that better than others. I want to forget almost ninety percent of the time. But I don’t. I’m that one that dwells on everything, hanging onto it, and beating it into the ground.”
In My Head Page 8
