‘Wouldn’t it be even harder for her never to see the child at all?’
Susannah smiled at him. ‘That’s a strange thing for a farmer to say. I remember when I first came here, the cows were bellowing for their calves. They sounded so miserable, I was quite upset. But you told me they’d forget about the calf after a few days as long as it was out of sight, then they’d have another one next year and be as happy as ever. It’s the same for Amy. She can’t keep this baby if she marries Charlie, so the best thing in the world would be to send it away so she’ll never see it, then for her to have another baby as soon as possible. A baby she could be proud of instead of ashamed. That’s the only way you’re ever going to see her happy again. You want her to be happy, don’t you?’
‘Of course I do. If that’s what would make her happy… I don’t know. It doesn’t seem right, somehow.’
‘What about giving her the chance to decide? Let her choose whether she wants to accept Charlie or not. I think she has the right to know she’s been offered for.’
Jack tugged absently at a corner of his beard. Put that way, what Susannah said was inarguable. Girls all wanted to get married, he knew that. Amy must know she no longer had any chance of making a good marriage; perhaps that was one reason she was looking so miserable all the time. She might jump at the chance of a husband, even if Charlie couldn’t possibly be any girl’s dream.
The more he thought about it, the more sensible it seemed. It was such a tidy idea. Amy would be respectably married, and she could hold her head high again. She would be just next door, so he could see as much of her as he wanted. She might fret over the baby for a while, but Susannah was right: as soon as she had another child she would forget about it.
‘All right,’ he said at last. ‘Let her decide for herself. If she wants to marry him, I won’t stand in her way.’
Susannah smiled approvingly. ‘I’m sure you’ve made the right decision. I think you’ll find Amy’s pleased about it when she’s had a chance to think it over.’
*
Amy waited until Charlie had disappeared from sight before she got up from the stump and went down to the house. Jack and Susannah were sitting at the table, looking more companionable than Amy could ever remember having seen them. Her father even smiled at Amy. Susannah had a letter near her hand; she fingered it absently.
‘Here she is!’ said Jack.
‘Let me tell her,’ Susannah said quickly, but Jack brushed her aside.
‘I’ll tell her myself. Well, Amy, you’ve had a proposal. What do you think of that?’
Amy looked at him in disbelief, then a happiness so intense that it hurt flooded through her. Jimmy hasn’t left me. It’s just been some terrible misunderstanding. He still loves me! Oh, and I haven’t been wearing his brooch. I’ll have to confess that to him. I nearly threw myself in the creek! I don’t think I’ll ever be unhappy again once Jimmy’s with me.
‘Well, that’s cheered her up,’ Jack said. ‘Look at her, Susannah, beaming all over that pretty little face.’
‘When did you hear? Just this morning? Did he write to you?’ Amy could hardly get the questions out fast enough.
‘Write?’ Jack let out a laugh. ‘What would he write for? He walked up the road.’
Amy looked around the room in confusion, wondering if Jimmy was in some corner unseen. ‘But… where is he now?’
‘Back in his own house, of course.’
‘Amy doesn’t know who you’re talking about, Jack,’ Susannah put in. Amy looked at her in bewilderment. Of course I know who Pa’s talking about.
Jack slapped his hand against his forehead. ‘So she doesn’t. I forgot all about that. Amy, you’ve been asked to become Mrs Stewart.’
She must have misunderstood him, so she struggled to unravel his meaning. But there was no way of misunderstanding. ‘Ch… Charlie?’ she said, fear clutching at her. ‘Are you saying Charlie’s asked to marry me?’
‘Don’t say anything hasty, Amy,’ Susannah said. ‘You just have a little think before you answer your father.’
‘Now, I won’t pretend it’s what I would have wished for you,’ Jack said. ‘Not if everything was as it should be. But the more I think about it, the more sensible it seems. Well? What do you have to say about it?’
Amy looked at Susannah smiling smugly, then at Jack’s complacent expression. She ran to her father and knelt before him with her hands on his lap, her bulk making the movement awkward. ‘Please, Pa, don’t make me marry him. I’ll be good, I promise I will. I’ll do anything you say. I’ll never do anything bad again, ever. Please don’t make me marry Charlie.’ Her voice cracked on the last word.
‘Hey, hey, who said anything about making you?’ Jack said, shaken. ‘I thought you’d be pleased about it. Susannah, you said she’d be pleased.’
‘It’s a surprise for her, that’s all. Let her calm down—’
‘You!’ Amy flung at Susannah. ‘It’s your idea. You want to get rid of me. Pa, please don’t let her make me.’
‘Your ma’s only thinking of you, girl.’
Amy cast a tormented look at her father. He wants me to! He wants me to marry Charlie! I can’t, I can’t. She gave a sob and rushed from the room.
*
Jack looked after her in confusion. ‘She didn’t take it very well,’ he said to Susannah. ‘I thought you said she’d be pleased.’
‘You put it to her too abruptly, that’s all. It gave her a shock. I’ll have a talk with her.’ She rose from her chair.
‘I won’t have her forced, Susannah.’
‘Of course not. No one’s going to force her. I’ll just have a little talk with her, that’s all. I want to help her think it through properly. Don’t you worry about it.’
*
Amy lay on her bed facing away from the door. When she heard it open, she rolled onto her back in time to see Susannah enter.
‘Go away.’
‘I will not go away.’ Susannah crossed the room to stand beside Amy, looking down on her. ‘You’re going to listen to what I have to say.’
‘I won’t.’ Amy put her hands over her ears.
Susannah clutched at one of Amy’s hands and forced it down. ‘Oh, yes you will, my girl. You won’t like it, but you’re going to listen.’ Before Amy could cry out, Susannah’s other hand was pressed hard on her mouth. ‘No, you don’t. You’re not going to get your father running in here wondering what I’m doing to his little girl.’
Susannah’s hand was half-covering Amy’s nose as well, so that she could hardly breathe. She made a muffled noise of distress. ‘Will you keep quiet if I take my hand away?’ Susannah asked. Amy nodded. ‘Do you promise?’ When Amy again nodded, Susannah lifted her hand. ‘That’s better, now you’re being sensible. Let’s see if you can carry on being sensible.’
‘I don’t want to marry Charlie,’ Amy said in a small voice. ‘You can’t make me.’
Susannah sat down on the bed and leaned over till her face was close to Amy’s. ‘Of course you don’t want to marry him. What girl would want a man like that? But you’re not in a position to pick and choose, are you? You have to take what you can get.’
‘You can’t make me,’ Amy repeated as though the words were a talisman.
Susannah ignored the feeble protest. ‘No one else will ever want you—you do know that, don’t you? Why would any man with the chance of a decent wife take a girl who’s been soiled? The only man who’d take a girl like you—a dirty girl—is the sort no decent girl would look at. Someone like Charlie. Past middle age, poor, and bad-tempered with it. He’s no oil painting, is he? And from the smell of him he doesn’t even bother with a bath every week.’
‘I won’t marry him. I won’t.’
‘You set your sights higher than that, didn’t you? Oh, you set them far too high. You wanted to catch a man like my brother—yes, I know you thought your father was talking about him just now.’ Amy could not hold back a sob at this thrust. ‘You’d better put him
out of your little head. He got out of your clutches in time, you’ll never see James again. And neither will I! I’ll probably never see my brother again, and it’s all your fault.’ Susannah’s voice became shrill, then she modulated it once more into smoothness. ‘You’re not going to get a man like him. You’re not even going to get some yokel like your cousin’s managed to hook. At least Frank Kelly’s young and not bad looking.’
‘I don’t want anyone. I don’t want to get married.’
‘Not now your Prince Charming’s seen you for what you are and dumped you? How could you even think you had the right to a man like him? You silly little bitch. You don’t deserve a man like James. Do you know what you deserve?’
‘Nothing. Nothing!’
‘You deserve Charlie. That’s just what you deserve. He’s perfect for you.’
‘You can’t make me.’
‘You’re not only a little slut, you’re completely selfish, aren’t you? Don’t you ever think about anyone but yourself? Don’t you know you broke your father’s heart when you shamed yourself? Don’t you know that?’
‘Yes, I know,’ Amy said miserably.
‘He aged ten years overnight when he found out his “dear little girl” was no better than a whore. Every time he looked at you it was as though he was in pain,’ Susannah went on relentlessly. ‘You made trouble between him and I—serious trouble. You caused fights between him and his sons. You nearly drove Harry away altogether, and he still refuses to say a word to me. But did you see your father’s face when you came in just now?’
Amy saw in her mind the smile that had so startled her, while Susannah’s voice went on inexorably. ‘Suddenly he saw a chance of making everything right again. His daughter a respectable married woman. “This is my daughter, Mrs Stewart” instead of “This is my daughter, the little whore who’s brought shame on the family”. He thought he could be proud of you again. But you won’t do that for him, will you? Oh, no, you’re too high-and-mighty to lower yourself. You! As if you could get any lower. Your father dotes on you, and you don’t care a bit about him.’
‘I love Pa. I love him more than anything in the world.’ Amy felt tears running down her face, but she was too mesmerised by Susannah’s words to wipe them away.
‘Humph! Words are easy, aren’t they? When you get a chance to do something for him, something to make up for a little bit of the pain you’ve given him, you refuse.’
Would it really make it up to Pa? ‘I can’t. I’m scared of Charlie.’
‘Scared?’ Susannah looked astonished. ‘What do you think he’ll do? Eat you?’
‘I don’t know what he’ll do. I’m scared.’
‘You’ve already got far more idea of what goes on between husband and wife than a decent girl would.’ Susannah suddenly sat up straighter so that her face was no longer only inches away from Amy’s. ‘You don’t have to marry him, of course. No one’s going to force you.’
‘Don’t I?’ Amy said in confusion. ‘I mean, no, I don’t. I don’t want to.’
‘No, it’s up to you,’ Susannah said in a matter-of-fact voice. ‘You’re perfectly free to spend the rest of your life in this house. You’ll have to do what I say, of course, and I’ll be keeping a tighter rein on you than I did before, now that I know what you’re like. Your father’s going to be very upset that you’re turning Charlie’s offer down, but you’re not worried about that, are you?’
‘Pa said he wouldn’t make me.’
‘No, and he means it, too. You’ve a very soft-hearted father. He’s prepared to give up a lot to try and please you—it’s a pity you refuse to make any sacrifices for his happiness, but that’s your decision. No one will ever come and visit us once they all find out what you are, but I expect we’ll get used to that. You realise Arthur won’t let that girl see you because you’ve been shamed? I’m surprised you don’t miss her, you always seemed rather fond of her. You’ll have to get used to people staring at you on the street and giggling behind their hands.’
‘People won’t know about me, will they?’
‘Yes, they will. It’ll be hard on your brothers, too, once they start courting. A lot of fathers wouldn’t want their daughters marrying into a family with a girl like you in it.’ She stopped and seemed to consider for a moment. ‘I suppose it won’t be quite so bad for John and Harry. They’re already grown-up, people know them for themselves. It’ll be worse for my little boys, they’ll never remember a time when you hadn’t brought shame on the family. I don’t suppose you’re worried about Thomas and George, though, they’re only your half-brothers.’
‘But… but I thought it was going to be kept secret. I thought that was why you didn’t want anyone to see me.’
‘I wanted it to be secret, but your father thinks differently. He says if you don’t get married the child’s to stay here, and you’ll have to bring it up yourself.’
‘It… it is my responsibility,’ Amy said. ‘I’ll look after the baby.’
‘Then it won’t be a secret, will it?’ Susannah said in a terribly reasonable voice. ‘Everyone will know when they see you walking around with a baby.’ She sighed. ‘Things will be hard enough for your father and brothers with you in the house, but as for that child you’re carrying…’ Her voice trailed away.
‘What? What about the baby?’ Amy asked.
‘What sort of life do you think it’s going to have? Oh, everyone will be very kind to it, of course—at home, that is. You’ll do your best. But the whole town will call it “Amy Leith’s bastard”. That’s a heavy burden for a child to carry through life. Imagine how the other children at school talk to a child like that. You know how cruel children can be. Then when it grows up—bad enough if it’s a boy, with no prospects unless your father gives him money that should have gone to your brothers, but what if it’s a girl?’ She leaned closer to Amy again. ‘A girl whose mother was no better than a whore? What chance will she have in life? She’s certainly not going to find a husband. So another girl would end up living here as an old maid all her life, having to be supported by your father then your brothers. There’s a difference, of course. You brought this on yourself. Your child won’t have a choice about having the sins of its mother visited upon it.’
‘That’s not fair,’ Amy whispered.
‘No, it’s not, is it? But it’s your decision.’
Amy closed her eyes to shut out the sight of Susannah looking so calm and reasonable. Instead she saw a frightened little girl, surrounded by bullying children and censorious adults. She opened her eyes again. ‘Why would it be different if I got married?’ she asked quietly.
‘Charlie doesn’t want the child. Your father and I have talked about it, and we agree I should find a home for the baby if you marry Charlie. We don’t think it would be right for you to have your own child living next door but not acknowledged as yours. People would think it was my baby, you see. You’d never be allowed to think of it as your child.’
‘I wouldn’t like that.’ Amy chewed at her lip. ‘What would you do with it instead—if I got married, I mean?’
‘Ah,’ Susannah smiled. ‘The child would have quite a different life. You see, there are lots of people who want to have babies but they can’t, for one reason or another. People who love children, and want to pour out that love on a child of their own. I’d find a couple like that, and they’d adopt the baby. It would have their name then, no one could ever call it bastard.’ She gave a little laugh. ‘I think the worst danger for a child like that would be getting terribly spoiled!’
‘And… and they’d love it? The people who adopted it?’
‘Oh, I think people like that love their babies even more than natural parents do. People who think they’re never going to have a child. A baby is a real gift to them, not just a part of marriage that can’t be avoided. Or a bastard like you’re having,’ she added casually. ‘Still, there’s not much use talking about it, is there? You’re going to say no to Charlie, and you’re never going
to get another offer.’ She stood up. ‘Shall I tell your father you’ve made up your mind to refuse? It might be easier for you if I break the news.’
‘No, don’t tell him that. I… can I think about it a little bit longer?’
Susannah patted her on the arm. ‘I think that would be a very good idea. It’s a big decision, whether or not to turn down your only chance… no, we’ve talked enough about that, haven’t we? You stay here as long as you want, I’ll make lunch. I’ll bring yours in to you.’
*
‘Well?’ Jack said when Susannah came back out to the kitchen.
‘She’s thinking about it. I tried to point out some of the advantages, but I made it clear to her that it’s her decision, and no one’s going to force her.’
‘That’s right.’ Jack sighed. ‘I think it would be the best thing for her, though.’
‘I’m sure it would. Amy’s a sensible girl underneath it all, I think you’ll find she sees that for herself if we just leave her alone.’ Susannah hummed to herself as she prepared the meal.
‘You’re being very good about all this, Susannah,’ Jack said.
‘I’m trying to make it up to you for not looking after Amy.’ She tilted her head to one side and gazed at Jack. ‘Am I? Am I making up for it?’
‘There’s no need to talk about making up for things,’ Jack said gruffly. ‘But… I appreciate what you’re doing.’
*
Amy got up from her bed and sat in front of her dressing table. She studied the photograph in its silver frame, staring intently at the expression of love pouring from her mother’s eyes. I do love Pa. I love John and Harry too, and Tommy and Georgie. That must mean I want to make things right for them, make up for the bad things I’ve done. Pa wants me to get married. I want the best for the baby, too. It’s not the baby’s fault. I wish I wasn’t so scared. Why does it have to be Charlie? She lowered her eyes from the photograph. Because no one else wants me. I’m too bad for anyone else.
Sentence of Marriage Page 37
