‘Alice!’
Alice woke with a start and glanced at the bedside clock. Just after 4 am. Her grandmother’s voice had a note of panic in it. Alice jumped up from the bed that she now slept in, and hurried to her side.
‘What is it, Ma? Do you need something for the pain?’
‘Alice, I’ve never shown you love like I should have. Like you deserved.’
Alice, still waking up, blinked dazedly at the brightness of the bedside lamp. ‘Don’t be silly! You’ve been wonderful to me. Always.’
‘No.’ Olive shook her head fitfully on the pillow. ‘I never looked after you like I did Lara.’
‘Ma, Lara is your own child. Of course you should love her best.’
The old lady let out a deep sigh. ‘So I’ve always believed. But just lately . . . the last few days, I’m not so sure. Things become clearer . . .’ She stopped, out of breath.
‘Shh, Ma, don’t try to talk anymore.’
As much as she loved her grandmother, Alice had always been aware of a distance between them. She’d accepted it, but had sometimes longed for a closeness that never came. Now this distance was dissolving. With only days, maybe hours to live, her grandmother was closing the gap. Alice gently rested her head on the faded patchwork quilt covering her grandmother’s wasted chest. She could feel the shallow rise and fall of her laboured breathing.
The old woman laid a withered hand on the back of Alice’s head and stroked the soft curls. ‘My dearest girl!’ she whispered.
Just after morning smoko later that day, Alice stepped out through the double doors to the veranda for a breath of fresh air. When she returned a minute later, her grandmother’s soul had flown.
Chapter 35
Towards four o’clock in the afternoon, Lara began to glance out of the window and up the road at regular intervals. Where was Conrad?
All the preparations for the funeral were complete. She had spent the morning making up a funeral leaflet on the computer and potting some sun jewels in terracotta basins to put near her mother’s grave. The Country Women’s Association ladies were taking care of the food for the wake and preparing the hall. Alice had been into town to meet with Father Callaghan and to help decorate the church. Lara had wanted to go too, but had supposed that she wouldn’t be welcomed by any of them.
Alice had now arrived home and was having a cup of tea at the table. She looked exhausted. She’d been holding it all together for everyone else for just a bit too long. ‘Doing what should have been my job, I suppose,’ Lara thought bitterly. Why was it that just the sight of Alice made Lara feel guilty? It had been that way since the day she was born. Sitting at Alice’s elbow was Theodore, quietly imbibing some milk through a bright green straw that Alice had brought home from town for him. How strange that he’d become so attached to his half-sister in such a short time.
Sam and Jeremy were working over at the little Redstone graveyard on the far side of the cattle yards. Shaded by the old kurrajong trees, they had been tidying up with the tractor and ute, and digging the newest grave. Lara was concerned about her father. He had aged a great deal since she’d last seen him, and looked very frail and unwell, especially these last few days since Olive died. If only he’d been easier to talk to, more approachable. How had Alice managed to grow so close to the old man?
Lara heard an engine and rushed back to the window, thinking it might finally be Conrad, but it was only the men returning. Alice jumped up to reboil the kettle. Lara stood and watched her father and Jeremy talking in the shed. Jeremy was gesticulating with his hands as he talked. He was always energetic, she’d give him that. She could see that her father was listening patiently, and she noticed how bent and tired he looked. Then the distant dust trail of an approaching vehicle caught her eye.
‘At last!’ she said. ‘Conrad’s here.’
‘Just in time for a cuppa,’ Alice commented and took an extra cup out of the cupboard.
Lara, Alice and Theodore went outside to meet him, and Lara yelled to the other two children, who were watching TV in the sitting room. Conrad’s usually spotless silver BMW was caked in dust as he pulled up right in the centre of the turning circle. He climbed out and groaned. Lara gave him a kiss and he patted the children’s heads. Then he turned to Alice and gave her a matter-of-fact smile and perfunctory greeting. ‘How are you, Alice?’
‘I’m alright thank you, Conrad. How was your trip?’
‘Abominable. I don’t know how you people tolerate the state of those roads. You really need to get onto the council about it.’ He shook his head. ‘And no mobile phone coverage if you get into trouble! Ludicrous!’
Lara turned to look at her father and Jeremy, who had walked over from the shed. The old man looked defeated. He waved and nodded at Conrad, then continued past into the house. But Jeremy, who’d overheard Conrad’s comment, stopped to join the welcoming committee.
‘You don’t like our roads, digger?’ He grinned in welcome. ‘You’re in the wild, wild west now, mate. You gotta like it or lump it.’
‘Conrad, this is Jeremy,’ Alice said.
‘Oh . . . should I know you? You must be the head of the Redstone Executive.’ Conrad snorted at his own joke. Lara felt slightly uneasy. She wished Conrad would refrain from baiting the young ringer. It would undoubtedly lead to trouble.
‘Who, me? Don’t be silly, I’m just middle management,’ Jeremy answered, unperturbed.
‘It’s just that you sounded so . . . well qualified.’ Conrad looked sideways at his wife. But Lara had already learned the hard way that it was a mistake to enter into any sort of banter with the ringer.
‘Well, I can blow my nose without a hanky,’ Jeremy said enthusiastically. ‘I bet that’s something you can’t do.’
To Lara’s horror, Jeremy proceeded to demonstrate, leaning forward, holding one nostril closed and snorting a stream of air and mucus out through the other one. It landed on the ground not far from Conrad’s expensive casual shoes. The kids giggled. Jeremy then repeated the process with the other nostril. He stood back, his chest out and hands on his hips, looking expectantly at Conrad. Conrad looked back coldly. Alice opened her mouth to say something but Jeremy beat her to it.
‘Lighten up, old mate. Oh . . . I’m getting the picture, you don’t like anyone’s jokes but your own, eh?’
Lara wished Jeremy would be quiet. Her husband never had much patience when he was tired.
‘Surely there’s something you should be doing?’ Conrad asked.
‘Bloody oath there is! I should be kissing Alice.’ Jeremy grabbed hold of his workmate and swung her round. ‘Should’ve done it yonks ago but she just won’t let me . . . See?’ He set Alice down again and winked into her exasperated face. The kids giggled again.
Conrad turned to Lara. ‘Is there any necessity for us to be standing out in the heat, talking to this imbecile?’
‘Well, your kids are getting a laugh out of it.’ Jeremy launched into a monkey impression and the kids laughed louder.
‘Come inside for a cuppa, Conrad,’ Alice grabbed her stepfather’s arm firmly and, to Lara’s relief, steered him towards the house.
Jeremy did his monkey walk all the way back to the shed and dangled there from a beam, issuing chattering noises before finally disappearing into the shadows. Lara was shocked to find she had to suppress a smile. The kids, who had stopped to watch, looked disappointed to see him go.
Late in the morning of the following day, there was an unusual amount of traffic on the Redstone road. The funeral was over and Jeremy was driving the town car with Sam in the front passenger seat. They were leading the long procession of cars towards Olive’s final resting place. Jeremy tried to ignore the sombre presence of the hulking black hearse in the rear-vision mirror.
Try as he might, he just couldn’t seem to get his head around the fact that Olive had gone. She’d been so full of life for an old girl. So much go in her still. He’d always imagined that dying old ladies would be quiet and weak. But
Olive had been strong, brave and determined, right up until the end. It was a bloody shame. She hadn’t seemed ready to go, somehow.
He glanced at Alice in the mirror. She was sitting in the middle between a swollen-eyed Bonnie and Theodore. She had her arm around the little boy and her face was calmly serious, betraying nothing. Bonnie had sobbed bitterly throughout the entire service, while Alice, statue-like, had shown little emotion of any kind. But Jeremy knew how badly she was hurting and wished he could go to her and comfort her. Why couldn’t she just let herself have a damn good bawl?
Then Jeremy glanced at the hunched figure of Sam beside him. He seemed to have visibly diminished since Olive’s death. The sight of the dignified old man brought the lump back into his throat. He decided it was time to speak, to break what had been a long silence. ‘She wasn’t such a bad old girl, your Olive. Pretty damn gutsy, I reckon.’
Sam looked across and nodded an acknowledgement of the comment. They drove on for a while longer, then Jeremy spoke again, more to himself than anyone. ‘Wish I didn’t give her so much curry. Hope she doesn’t come back to haunt me.’
Alice gave a little gasp and Jeremy could feel her glaring at the back of his head. He hadn’t meant any disrespect. He just couldn’t believe that a feisty temper like Olive’s could be extinguished, just like that, in one go.
Jeremy looked at Sam again. He was looking out the window at the ruddy landscape sliding by. Jeremy wondered whether it all looked different to him now that Olive was gone. His other half. He just couldn’t fathom that sort of union with another person. Tied together for a lifetime.
Jeremy hoped he hadn’t upset the old bloke. A moment later he was relieved when a slow rumbling chuckle shook the old man’s frame.
Chapter 36
The Harradines were packed and ready to go. Alice, her grandfather and Jeremy came out to the car to make their farewells. For once, Jeremy was perfectly respectful, wishing them all a safe trip and even shaking hands with Conrad. Sam was brief and courteous, his mind on other things. Alice cuddled and kissed all the children and pecked Conrad on the cheek before turning to her mother.
Lara gave her a hug and a brisk kiss. ‘Take care, Alice. Let me know if you need anything, won’t you?’
‘Thanks, Mum, I will,’ Alice lied.
Suddenly she found herself thinking of Leilani. Why was it that she’d had no trouble feeling complete trust in Benji’s wife, a woman she’d only known for two days? And would it hurt to give Lara the benefit of the doubt?
As they watched the low-set luxury car gliding away, she thought back to the evening before.
After dinner, Alice had taken her cup of tea out onto the veranda steps and into the quiet freshness of the night. She’d been craving some time alone. She had been so busy attending to the minute by minute needs of her grandmother, and then organising the funeral, she hadn’t had a chance to stop and feel. She leaned back on her elbows and gazed up at the star-studded sky. One impossibly bright star had seemed closer than all the others, pulsating with white radiance. She wondered if her Ma could see her sitting there, and to her surprise, found herself smiling. Olive’s suffering was over. She had run the race. And Alice would never cease to be inspired by the courage her grandmother had shown during her last days.
As well as the loss, Alice had found that a strange new peace had settled on her since that last talk with her grandmother. Ma had truly loved her, and this knowledge filled her with a warmth that helped to soothe some of her grief.
Then Alice had heard the boards creak behind her and Lara had sunk down beside her on the steps.
‘Thank God that’s all over,’ she said. ‘I’m thoroughly exhausted, but I’m guessing that you’re even more tired than I am.’
Alice, a little surprised at the trace of compassion in Lara’s voice, looked up and smiled. She felt her mother examine her face for a moment.
‘You’ll be alright, I suppose, you and Dad?’ Lara asked.
‘Yes, Mum, we’ll manage.’
‘It’s not as if I can be much help anyway.’ Lara sighed. ‘I’m not exactly Dad’s favourite person at the moment.’
Alice met her mother’s eyes again. She wanted to say something reassuring, but Lara continued, her tone still more diffident than usual.
‘Mum and Dad were always good to you, weren’t they, Alice?’
‘Yes, always,’ Alice said emphatically.
Lara nodded. ‘I knew they would be. They did a much better job raising you than I could have. I wasn’t ready. You do understand that, don’t you?’
Alice nodded too, and tried to read her mother’s expression. Was she attempting to apologise? Was she trying to say that she had cared about her all those years? Alice decided that it was safer to remain unconvinced, and in doing so, avoid future disappointment. That way, anything that followed would be a bonus.
But then, unexpectedly, Lara took Alice’s hand. For a few moments, neither of them spoke. The crickets throbbed and a cow bellowed to its calf somewhere off in the distance.
‘Mum?’ Alice said on an impulse.
‘Yes?’
‘There’s something I’ve often wondered about.’
‘Yes?’ Lara said again, and Alice felt her tense up slightly.
‘Why did you give me Benji’s surname?’
Lara looked thoughtful for a moment before answering. ‘Well, at the time, I told myself it was to get at Mum and Dad; prove I wasn’t ashamed, I suppose.’ She paused and looked at Alice, before adding wryly, ‘Your paternity was hardly a secret, after all.’
‘But now?’ Alice prompted.
‘Now . . .’ she paused again, ‘I think it was because of the way I felt about him.’ Lara’s eyes were large in the dim light. ‘It wasn’t just another crush, Alice.’
‘Oh.’ With a sudden thrill, Alice realised, her mother had truly loved Benji. Trying not to sound reproachful, she asked, ‘Why didn’t you tell him about me?’
‘I couldn’t afford to have him as part of my life,’ Lara answered quickly, a slight edge to her voice. ‘I needed him to stay in the past.’
Alice nodded, unable to speak.
‘So there it is,’ Lara went on, ‘completely selfish in its motivation as usual.’ She looked away.
‘Thank you for telling me,’ Alice said finally. ‘It means a lot . . . knowing that you really cared for him.’
Lara shrugged, and her cool, matter-of-fact expression returned. Alice wondered whether she should release her mother’s hand, but then Lara spoke again.
‘While I’m in this unusually repentant mood, I want to say how glad I am that you and Mum were . . . so close.’ Lara breathed out slowly before continuing. ‘In a way, as my daughter, you compensated for me . . . my wrongs. Thank you.’
Squeezing her mother’s hand, Alice smiled up at her. They had sat a little while longer, looking at the stars and feeling the tickle of an intermittent breeze.
With the visitors gone, and her grandfather tucked safely into bed, Alice took a brush over to the yards and called Rose in from the night paddock. The rhythm of the brush strokes over the mare’s gleaming coat helped to calm Alice; as she worked, she leaned into the warm curve of Rose’s neck and half closed her eyes.
Movement nearby brought her out of her trance, and she looked down at Darcy, who had sidled over from the house and was now standing by dejectedly. The poor creature had just lost yet another loved one. A minute later, he was joined by Jeremy, who wore a similar expression. Alice put down her brush, and she and Jeremy sat together on the grain feeder in silence for a time, Darcy sitting mournfully at their feet.
‘How’re you travelling, mate?’ Jeremy said at last.
Alice only nodded in response, not meeting his eyes. She knew she was shutting him out, but she hadn’t the energy to try to explain. Finally she said, ‘It’s Pa we need to think about now.’
‘It’s you I’m thinking of.’ Jeremy put his arm around her shoulders. ‘And I’m real sorry about your mum,
Ali.’
‘You mean my ma,’ Alice corrected him.
‘No, your mum. She’s not much comfort to ya, eh? Your ma was a nosy old chook but she wasn’t short on courage. I’ll never forget the way she stuck up for me that day in the pub.’ Jeremy shook his head. ‘But your mum’s another story. First-class bitch, I reckon. You deserve better.’
Alice felt tears sting her eyes; annoyed, she brushed them away, trying to work out why Jeremy’s comment had upset her. The tears certainly weren’t in defence of Lara. Perhaps she was mourning the complete absence of any feelings of loyalty towards her mother.
But Jeremy had seen her tears and was mortified. ‘Hell, Alice, don’t take any notice of me. Great big bloody mouth. I gotta learn to shut my gob. Anyway, luckily your dad’s genes hammered hers. It’s hard to believe she’s even related to you. She’d fit right in with those Bingley sisters, I reckon.’
Alice gave him a watery smile and he looked relieved. He pulled her closer to him and they sat in silence. Jeremy was always such a source of strength. She suddenly found herself wondering how she’d have managed the last few months without him. She rested her head gratefully on his shoulder.
‘I’ll help you look after the old bloke, Alice. We’ll muddle through alright.’
Alice nodded again and Darcy pressed his angular body against her legs. She looked down into the dog’s adoring amber eyes and felt a stirring of affection for the awkward creature.
Chapter 37
Following a week of strong westerly winter winds, Redstone was visited by a severe dust storm. Fine particles of desert soil from the west were suspended in the air like brown fog for two days. From the homestead, the shed and yards were only just visible. Outside it appeared overcast but rather than grey the predominant colour was a dull beige and the sun looked like a distant, pinky-orange burning ball peering down through the gloom.
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