by Angela Peach
"I tried to call you. I left you messages" she said quietly.
"My phone was on silent, I didn't get them. Can I come in?"
She opened the door wider for me and shut it firmly once I was inside. I propped my guitar against her desk and perched on the edge of her bed, feeling very nervous.
"So, Nicki said Sam's been in contact?" I prompted. She didn't answer straight away, moving slowly to sit at the head of her bed, crossing her legs beneath her. She looked vulnerable and lost, a feeling I recognised well from experience. However, I knew how to hide it better.
"She wants me back, Alison" she said, almost as if she didn't quite believe it. I swallowed.
"Okay. Why don't you start at the beginning?"
She looked up at the ceiling, deep in thought.
"She sent me an email this morning. I almost didn't read it. I mean, my finger was on the delete button, ready to get rid of it. But then all of a sudden, it was open and I was reading it! It said she'd broken up with him months ago and that she couldn't stop thinking about me. She begged me to at least call her." She snorted. "I was sooo angry! I went online straight away, bought an overseas calling card and phoned her up. Jesus, I was prepared to shout at her, tell her how she broke my heart, remind her of the pain she put me through! But when she answered…I couldn't do it! I froze up! She took advantage of my silence to tell me how she regretted us breaking up every single day, and that she missed me more than I could imagine, blah blah blah. She said that if I took her back…" Darcy paused.
"What?" I didn't want to know. I had to know.
"She said that if I took her back, she'd tell her family about us and stay with me no matter what the outcome was. She wants me to fly out tomorrow for a few days, just to talk."
"What about your exam?"
"I'd be back in plenty of time for it."
I took a deep breath.
"So what's the problem? Why aren't you happy?"
"Don't. Just…don't pretend like you don't know."
I was silent, neither willing to confirm or deny anything.
"Alison, I know I'm not the only one feeling like this. I know you feel it too, because I can see it in your eyes" Darcy leaned forward, taking my hand.
"I'm…I'm married" I said, feeling like it seemed to be the popular phrase when things got intense between us. "We both know that. It doesn't matter how I feel, does it? So, what are you going to do?"
"I don't know. What do you think I should do?"
I looked down at her carpet, avoiding her eyes.
"Do you still love her?"
She hesitated, but her answer was soft.
"Yes. I think I do."
My heart fell through my stomach like a lead weight. However, I forced myself to smile before I turned to face her.
"Then you should go and be with her. She obviously loves you, more than you ever realised, eh?"
That goes for the both of us.
Wait a second…what? Love? Was I in love with Darcy?
Before I could dissect my confusing revelation, I noticed she was looking intently into my eyes.
"What do you want me to do?"
Stay? Wait for me? Love me?
There was that love word again!
"I want you to be happy. It's what you deserve. Go to her, be with her, be happy! You might never get this chance again!" The words were like razors in my mouth, cutting deep and hurting like hell. It looked like they hurt just as much for her to hear them. I decided to pound the nail into the coffin. "Darcy, I could never ask nor expect you to hang around for me. It wouldn't be fair. Hey, you've still got the ring, right?"
I watched her struggling to swallow and keep her eyes from overflowing. I myself was going through the same struggle, but again, I hid it better.
"Yes. You…you want me to go? Because if I do, there's no turning back."
I understood. If I changed my mind, she would not be dumping Sam for me. I nodded, hearing my neck click as I did, almost as if it was a last ditch protest.
"Go. But don't you even think about ditching out on my guitar lessons!" I said, trying to sound upbeat, but knowing I wasn't fooling anyone. Her eyes reminded me of a wounded puppy, and I had to look away from them. She pulled her hand out of mine.
"Okay. Well, I guess I'd better pack then. I'll call you next week when I get back to arrange your lessons again."
It was my cue to leave. Said in a cold dismissive way, it was a 'get away from me and leave me alone', which I think I deserved in return for my 'I can't see you and I having a future together.' Even if it was a big fat lie.
"Sure. Have a safe trip, Darcy, and I hope everything works out well for you both." Another lie. I was on a roll.
"Yeah. Me too. Goodbye, Alison."
I tried not to flinch at the finality in the tone, nor let myself get upset too much at the way she got off the bed and stared out of the window with her back to me.
"Goodbye."
I walked shakily from the room, forgetting for a moment that there was a party happening outside. I kept my head down, pretending to be engrossed in an important text, until I was outside. It wasn't until I was fumbling for my car keys that I realised I'd left my guitar in her room. I decided to send her a text to say I'd collect it after the weekend, telling myself it was to give her time to pack. But I knew it was so I could collect it when she wasn't there, and I knew she'd know that too.
I drove. I didn't know where I was going, only that it wasn't home. I needed to be alone so I could think. After about an hour I found myself at the coast, and I parked up before going to sit on the sand and watch the waves. It wasn't too cold, but I didn't care either way.
What am I going to do without her?
Okay, that was easy. She was coming back, so I'd still have her as a friend, and that was all she was to be fair.
What if Sam comes back with her? Could I handle seeing them together, happy and in love, kissing and touching each other?
That would be something I could avoid if possible, but if I had to be near them both, I'd just have to deal.
Had I been lining her up as Gray's replacement?
Hmm, this was a hard one. I was almost one hundred per cent certain, after endless hours of analysis, that I would have had the same feelings for Darcy even if Gray hadn't have been dying. So yes, things would have been extremely confusing, possibly even more so than they currently were. But if I was going to be completely, brutally honest with myself, I would have to admit that yes, I had been planning on pursuing her romantically after Gray had 'left.' But I didn't want to see it as replacing Gray. Not really.
Do I love her?
Ask me something else.
Am I in love with her?
I want another question. An easier one.
There aren't any easier questions. There aren't any more questions.
I hugged my knees to my chest. I could feel the cool breeze coming from the sea, carrying a saltiness that was refreshing.
Yes.
Yes, I do love Darcy. And as for the other question, I think it was fair to say that I had been deep in the process of falling in love with her. I was a grown up, aware of my feelings enough to recognise it was more than friendship, more than a crush. Yes, I had allowed myself to believe that one day we'd both be free to fully explore our feelings for each other. I just hadn't anticipated the return of Sam.
"FUCK!" I shouted at the surf, surprising myself.
Hey, here's another question! Why did I let her go? Why did I give her up so easily?
I stood up, furious with myself. Give her up easily? There was nothing easy about this.
Then why didn't I tell her the truth?
Because that would have sounded awful. "Darcy, Gray has the Big C and probably only a few months left to live. I would really appreciate it if you'd tell Sam where to go, and hang around to wait for me? I like you a lot, and who knows what could happen!"
The truth was, I didn't know why I hadn't told her how I felt, and it just had
n't seemed like the right time to bring up Gray's 'C'. I was waiting for The right time, and that was that. I knew the longer I left it, the harder it was going to be, but I was sure she'd understand.
I drove home in a sulky temper and found Gray waiting up for me, which made me feel worse for some reason. I gave him a gentle telling off before taking him to the bedroom and putting him to bed. When I finally joined him, a few hours (and a bottle of Merlot) later, I lay listening to his rhythmic snoring until the very early hours.
This time tomorrow, Darcy will probably be lying in Sam's arms.
Oh, and torturing myself with thoughts like that.
12
One Very Good Reason
I didn't recognise the number that was calling me and almost didn't answer it, but curiosity got the better of me.
"Hello?"
"Ali? It's Nicki, Darcy's flatmate."
"Oh. Hi, Nicki, I'm glad you called. I left my guitar in Darcy's room last night, and I need to come over and collect it."
"Yeah, I know. Darce gave me your number before she left so I could arrange a time for you to pick it up."
"Did she leave already?" I tried to sound casual.
"She left about fifteen minutes ago. So, what happened? I thought you were gonna try and get her to stay?" Nicki sounded annoyed with me.
"I just told her to follow her heart and be happy" I replied, a bit defensively.
"Great! You do realise what this means, right? As soon as she graduates, she's gonna fuck off to the states for good?"
"What? What are you talking about?" I stood up and walked to the window, a sudden agitation coming over me.
"Darcy and Sam had always talked about getting a place together over there. It was always their plan, and I can't see that things would be any different now if they get back together." There was a pause. "You do know how she felt toward you, right?"
"Yes…I think so."
"She would have stayed for you. Not for me, not for her mum. But she would have stayed for you, until you made it quite clear how much you care."
"But I do care" I whispered. Nicki snorted.
"Well, whatever. Best get used to her not being around, cos she'll disappear for months at a time until she gets her visa to live over there."
"Nicki, are you sure? I mean, they've been apart for a while. What if things are different now?"
"Don't you get it? If anything, she'll want to get as far away from you as possible now, so yeah, I'm sure. It's not like there's anything worth staying here for, and besides which, Sam always said she'd never leave the states."
I swallowed a couple of times.
"How's she getting to the airport? Is she driving?"
"No, she's getting the train."
"From the train station?"
"Uh, yeah, that is normally where trains go from!"
"Do you know what time her train leaves?" I asked, ignoring her sarcasm. I was already searching for my keys.
"Twelve forty five, why?"
I hung up, already at the front door.
"Gray? I have to go out, it's an emergency. Um…I love you, and I'll be back in a few hours" I shouted, then left without waiting for his reply. I could make it to the station, but it was going to be very, very close. My hands were shaking as I tried putting the key in the tiny hole to start the engine and I cursed. The consequences of not getting there on time weighed heavily on me. Would she even stay after what I'd said to her last night? I wasn't sure, but I had to try. I couldn't lose her.
I turned the stereo off as I drove, needing full concentration on the road ahead. It seemed to take forever to navigate the country roads to town, but at least I didn't get stuck behind any tractors which were a regular occurrence around these parts.
I pulled up outside the train station at twelve thirty eight. There was no time to buy a parking ticket, so I just abandoned my jeep where it was without even bothering to lock the door, and ran in. I had no idea where I was going, because I didn't know where she was headed (should have got that information from Nicki really, but it was too late now) so I just scanned the departure screens. There was a train leaving platform four at twelve forty five and it stopped at Gatwick airport. This seemed the most likely one, so I ran for it at full speed, taking the stairs to the platform two at a time and knocking into several people, shouting apologies over my shoulder. I nearly went head first down the stairs because my unexercised legs were starting to protest against running. I searched for Darcy's head on the platform among the small crowd waiting to board the train.
Of all days for the trains to be running on time I thought, but then I spotted her.
"Darcy! DARCY!" I shouted, catching her attention just as she'd picked up her bag to get on the train. She turned around in surprise.
"Alison?"
I threw my arms around her neck, barely able to breathe from my exertions, but so happy and relieved to have caught her. She hugged me back, obviously not minding my sweaty embrace.
"Please, don't go?" I begged, holding her tight. She stiffened beneath me, then pulled herself free.
"It's too late."
"Please?"
"Miss? This train leaves in one minute. Are you getting on or not?" the conductor asked. Darcy didn't even glance his way, her eyes on mine, guarded and apprehensive.
"I don't know yet." Then to me she said, "Give me one good reason not to go. You have forty five seconds."
My shoulders were heaving from where I was still trying to catch my breath, and I stared at her in dismay. I'd never been very good at articulating my feelings, and she was giving me forty five seconds? She took my silence as an answer and went to turn away, but I caught her shoulder and pulled her back round to face me. There was only one thing I could think to do that would convince her of how I felt. I stepped close, cupped her face between both my hands, and gently touched my lips to hers. For a long second, we both froze in that position, as shocked as each other. Then, I seemed to be vaguely aware of my senses adjusting. The sounds of the station around us faded, as if on mute; the smell of the trains was replaced by her perfume; I could feel the warmth from her body against my own, creating an intense heat that made my heart pound. Everything outside faded, and now everything was Darcy. I moved my lips, brushing them tentatively against hers. When she responded, it was with the same trepidation, but her hands lightly touched my waist. Feeling bold, I touched my tongue to her lips, tasting my own saltiness on them. She gasped and I felt her grip on my waist tighten, as if she was holding on. Then our tongues met, softly caressing as our kiss deepened. It was a very sensual moment and I pulled her head closer, needing more. One of her hands tangled itself in my hair, the other snaking around my back and pulling our bodies tight together. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I registered that her hair was indeed as silky and soft as I'd always imagined it to be, but not as silky and soft as her tongue was against mine. I felt dizzy from the intensity of it all and realised that I wasn't breathing, fully lost in my exploration of Darcy's mouth. I broke contact for a moment, resting my forehead on hers as I gasped for air. I seemed unable to open my eyes just yet.
"Please, Daneka. Stay for me?" I whispered.
"Miss, this train is leaving right now. Are you getting on?"
I forced my eyes open and found hers. She also seemed to be having trouble breathing as she searched my face. I guessed it was to see if I truly meant what I was saying, to make sure my words matched my actions. Then with a slight tilt of her chin, I felt the hand still tangled in my hair pull me back in for another kiss. It was deeper and hungrier, our lips bruising against each other's as we pushed in hard. I moved one of my hands down, grazing her breast on its way to her hip so I could pull her hard against me. The fact that there was no erection digging into me just seemed more sensual for some reason and I ground my pelvis into hers. I had no idea how long we stood there kissing, finally giving in to how we felt, and I wasn't even sure if I knew where we were for a while! I just abandoned myself to her comp
letely.
Yes! Yes, I was totally in love with Darcy! If I'd ever doubted it before, I was definite now!
This time when we broke apart, we both seemed to be holding on to each other as if for dear life. I felt dazed!
"What just happened?" she whispered.
"Love? I think love just happened." I didn't feel embarrassed saying that to her, although it sounded like something from a cheap film.
"Yes, maybe. It just…it felt like more than love, Alison. I need to know what's going on?" she begged, her eyes still wary. I knew she was desperate for an explanation, some sort of reassurance that staying was the right choice, anything to let her know she hadn't just made a huge mistake.
"Darcy, I know you're confused by my actions, but I can't give you any explanation right now other than that things are very complicated. But I want you to know that I am not confused. I know how I feel about you and I hope I just showed you that. I needed to show you so you'd understand this isn't just a whim of some bored housewife."
She was silent for a while as she digested this.
"I don't know what the story is with you and Gray, but I'm not going to have an affair with you…"
"I don't expect you to do that. I'm just asking for some patience from you. For you to respect that there's more going on that I can't tell you about right now."
She sighed, then nodded softly.
"Okay. I'll respect that. But if you hurt me, or break my heart, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you. Do you understand?" It wasn't a threat. She was just telling me how she felt, what she was scared of. I nodded.
"I understand."
She caressed my cheek softly, running her thumb across my lower lip. This sent a small shiver through me and I leaned forward, wondering if she was going to kiss me again. She looked pained, torn between kissing and pulling away, but the latter won over.
"Can you take me home? I need to phone Sam."
As we moved apart, it was almost a shock to see we were still in the station and that we were being watched by several interested groups of people. Darcy bent down and picked up her bag, and as she straightened up I took her free hand in mine. Then we walked in silence out of the station to my jeep. I removed the large, glaring yellow sticker from the windscreen, not caring about the fine I'd incurred. It had been worth it.
