A Cure for All Diseases

by Reginald Hill

  As he left - Tom said to me - come on Charley - time to finish our tour - When Tom decides something - its instant action! - & we were out of the house in time to see Esther climbing behind the wheel of a Range Rover - what else? - pretty ancient - but the landed gentry probably regard new RRs like new Barbours - as evidence of arrivisme. Ted - by contrast - was straddling a new looking Buell Lightning - in midnight black - with the words Sexy Beast scrawled across the tank in silver. Narcissism? I wondered. Or a gift from an admirer . . . ?

  As they processed at speed down the drive - I said - thought Mary said they were a bit strapped for cash - no wonder if they spend it on 7k mobikes! -

  - as much as that? - said Tom - well - he really was lucky then - Ted didnt buy it - won it in a charity lottery - cast your bread upon waters - eh Charlotte? -

  Lucky old Ted - I thought. No wonder he thinks the world owes him a living!

  Walking down the hill - I wondered - dead casual - if there might not seem to be some conflict between Toms eco-enthusiasm & the bloody great carbon footprints the Denhams - young & old - seemed bent on planting all over the roads of Sandytown.

  - just so! - cried Tom - as if delighted by some sharp & helpful

  aperçu - this is how I see things too. Physician - heal thyself - then pass the cure on! To convert is better than to convict - to persuade than to prescribe. We all have our complementary roles - mine I see as a gatherer - bringing together the full spectrum of ability. It did not take long - dear Charlotte - to see how useful a talent like yours - to observe & analyze - would be to our little community -

  It dawned on me then that in Toms eyes I was - like Gordon Godley - an opportunity not to be missed. The bugger was trying to recruit me! But hes such a poppet I could only feel flattered! As we once more approached Witch Cottage - recalling the small incident yesterday - I asked how Miss Lee - the acupuncturist - got on with Lady Denham. Tom - whos clearly into universal love - said - fine - fine. But hes also into transparent honesty - & he added - there has been a small contretemps - I believe - regarding the terms of Miss Lees tenancy - but Im confident a mutually satisfactory resolution has been reached –

  I said - you mean Lady D owns Witch Cottage? -

  - indeed - he said - & much more besides - the Breretons were substantial property owners in the town - & Hog Hollis - Lady Ds first - rarely missed an opportunity to invest in bricks & mortar -

  Id have liked to hear more - but realized I was only going to get a sanitized version of any unpleasantness from Tom - & made a note to bring the matter up with that young mistress of unsanitized versions - Minnie!

  At the cottage - after a little delay - Miss Lee answered Toms knock. I was introduced - briefly. She did a little Chinese bob thing - like Pitti-Sing in the musical. She was wearing a sort of kimono - but close up her face looked a lot less oriental - more plastic than porcelain - & Id say the almond blossom complexion comes out of a jar. Her voice was pretty neutral - very precise - with the occasional Yorkshire vowel suggesting shed been around the county for some time.

  She had a patient - she explained - but would join us shortly. We were standing in a narrow passage with a steep staircase up to the first floor - & 2 doors to the right - & another at the far end - open to reveal a kitchen. Miss Lee slipped through the first door - presumably not wanting us to see some poor devil stuck with needles like a hedgehog! - & Tom led me through the next door - clearly very much at home.

  I found myself wondering - this alternative medicine thing - does he try them all?

  We were in a crepuscular living room - small 16th cent windows in walls a yard thick - bit of a change from bamboo & rice paper - or is that Japan? Couple of pictures on the wall - prints of Chinese art - & a framed professional certificate - in Chinese characters. No - I havent taught myself Chinese - alongside it in the same frame was what I presumed was an English version - telling the world that Yan Lee had earned her qualifications - with distinction - at the Beijing Institute of Acupuncture & Moxibustion! (You tell me - youre the family’s medical expert!)

  Tom settled into a dusty armchair - to read a dusty newspaper - & I wandered around - checking out the bookshelves. Us psychologists can tell a lot from bookshelves! Fiction mainly - chic Iit - historical romances - couple of classics looking like they were lifted from school. Nonfiction limited to royal reminiscences - & Delia - plus - which I almost missed - a very tatty paperback - Teach Yourself Acupuncture. Set book from the Beijing Institute maybe?

  Miss Lee reappeared as I was looking at It - so I quickly shoved it back into place - & hoped she hadnt noticed. Tom chitchatted for a moment or two about local matters - then started talking about my thesis - making me sound like an FRS on a WHO funded research project! Miss Lee listened - then said - so you would like to talk to my patients to see if I really do them any good physically? I said - no - I would like to talk to those whose physical improvement is undeniable - with a view to understanding the mental processes involved. I have no interest in passing judgment on the status of acupuncture as medical therapy -

  She gave me a little smile - like she didnt believe a word of it - & said - OK - Ill have a word with a couple of them - see what they think - & get back to you - now I must get back to work -

  After that Tom whipped me round his aromatherapist - middle aged Madonna lookalike - his reflexologist - like an undertakers receptionist - pallid complexion - black skirt & top - probably a Goth in her teens & couldnt yet afford to upgrade - his herbalist - funny little man with a young-old face - would have made a good Lord of the Rings elf. All happy to help me - after consulting patients first of course - Tom very persuasive - or - more likely - they see Toms enthusiasm for a complementary therapy centre at the manor as their route to fame & fortune - so what he wants - he gets!

  (Cynical? Moi? A lifelong believer its love makes the world go round? Love of self - or love of money - of course!)

  Tried to see Toms homeopath but he was laid up with a bad cold.

  - maybe hes treating himself for pneumonia - I said.

  Tom thought this was very funny - once hed worked it out - & insisted on repeating it to everyone else we encountered - adding Wildean wit to my other talents. He was still chortling as he led me into the Hope & Anchor - the pub wed left Mr. Deal heading for. Wouldnt have surprised me to find him still drinking there after what dad said about him - but no sign of him among the tourists eating bar snacks in the main bar - nor in the smaller room we turned into. No food here - just four or five men drinking pints - & one leaning on the bar - in close confab with the barman.

  Tom introduced me to them. Barman was Alan Hollis - the landlord - & the other was Hollis too - Hen Hollis - the disaffected sibling - who was the 1st guy Id met clearly not a fan of Toms. Must see him as tarred beyond redemption with the Denham brush! Talking of tarred - this miserable old sod looked like hed not been near a bathtub since his 21st. If theres any family resemblance - Lady D must have been mighty relieved when the pigs et hubby Number 1! Sorry. Shouldnt judge by appearances - specially in my line of work - but hes one of those long rangy guys - mean little eyes in a small narrow head - & a beard that made Mr Godleys look like it had been worked on by Errol Douglas - full of crumbs from the crisps he was stuffing between his sharp yellow teeth. Like a ferret on stilts - I thought - & he didnt like the look of me either - glowering at me like I was the whore of Babylon - I wish! - before he banged his glass on the bar - & left.

  Landlord Alan is v different - midthirties - not bad looking - easy to talk with - hard to believe hes related to horrible Hen - no physical resemblance - hes one of those steady calm-looking guys - the sort you want to see slipping into the pilots seat when the aircrew all go down with e-coli - while Hen looks like hes on friendly terms with most known bacilli! But cant choose your relations - can you? As we well know!

  The seated drinkers were fine too. Tom introduced me round - but I only really registered one of them - a man in a wheelchair. Hes called Franny Roote - & Tom
made a big point of him being one of his alternative therapists.

  Then Tom said - but shouldnt you be up at the hall - lunching with Lady D? -

  Thats when it struck me with a shock - this was who Esther Denham meant when she said the legless wonder. What a cow!

  - cant have a private life in Sandytown - said Franny - quite right Tom - but not for another ten minutes or so - & I much prefer the presence of new beauty to the prospect of old pork -

  Gave me a big grin as he spoke - big attractive grin - so - telling myself Id better check if his kind of therapy fitted into my research area - I plumped myself down next to him - & we got talking - while Tom got deep into some consortium matter with a couple of the others.

  Interesting guy - this Roote - something about him thats different - & I dont just mean the wheelchair - something about the way he looks at you - & the way he talks. I found myself telling him all about me & my plans - not just me either - but you & George & Adam & Rod & the twins & mum & dad & the farm - OK - might be a line - but made me feel he was really interested - gives off a real sense of power - like theres nothing he cant do - sexy too - though maybe being paralyzed from the waist down means there is something he cant do? - need a bit of professional guidance here sis!

  Youll be thinking I must be really frustrated - going on about Teddy the hunky bart - & now Fran the dishy paraplegic! Could be Toms right - & theres something in the Sandytown sea breezes that gets the red corpuscles bubbling - but I know that really my interest is purely professional - Ive given men up - remember!

  Finally I got him talking about himself - fascinating - though as far as my research is concerned I soon realized Franny doesnt fit in at all. His thing is 3rd Thought - have you heard of it? I recall in my 1st year at uni going to a talk given by a guy called Frere Jacques - in dads terms very much a daft bugger! - who founded the movement. Lots in it about modern living making us lose touch with death - the need to establish a hospice of the mind - & a lot of similar gobbledygook which us smart 1st year psych students all rubbished like mad - but the guy himself was gorgeous - had an aura - & a lovely ass. Franny the same - except his aura aint pure white like Frere Js - more shot silk - changing & mysterious - & I didnt get the chance to check out his ass! Anyway - thing is - with 3rd Thought theres no physical therapy involved - no taking up your bed & walking - not surprising really - guy in a wheelchair isnt likely to get far promising miracle cures. So - nothing here for me - except - I really enjoyed talking to him - & including him in my research gives me a good excuse for doing it again! So we ended by exchanging mobile nos & email addresses before he went off to Big Bums.

  Anyway thats it for now. Spent the afternoon - after a sandwich in the pub - meeting the rest of the inhabitants of Sandytown - every single one of them it felt like! - then back here to Kyoto. Quiet night in - reading - & hammering the kids at snap! Make sure you answer this one sis. Dont see why you should get the details of my wild life in Sandytown while all I get from you is a pregnant (?) silence. So - no prevarications - I want dirt - I want dimensions!

  Love

  Charley xxx

  12

  FROM:charley@whiffle.com

  TO:cassie@natterjack.com

  SUBJECT: camomile tea!

  Hi! Still no word. Working on the Headbanger principle that the only thing that travels faster than bad news is crap through a goose - Ive not started worrying - yet!

  Here excitement piles on excitement - not sure if Ill be able to bear much more!

  Thats called irony by the way - just in case youve completely forgotten everything Mr big-Dickenson at the comp taught you in English - though I dont suppose you heard much of what he said - above the roar of your randy hormones!

  First - Toms sister Diana turned up! None of the strong hints Id had about her oddness prepared me for the reality. Not bad looking - small & trim - full of words & fuller of energy - or so it seemed to me - though by her own - & Toms - account - she spends so much time lying at deaths door - she must be a real hindrance to his milkman!

  Death must be on hold today - way she came bursting in at Kyoto like a small tornado.

  - I am just arrived - she proclaimed - let me sit down (which she did) - your raw sea air - a tonic I know for some - is too savage for my weak constitution. Where are the dear children ( jumping out of her chair) - I must see them at once - & this is Miss Heywood - I know you from Toms letters - my dear - its true Tom - a fine complexion - no trouble with your circulation - Tom - how is your ankle? - let me see (here she knelt & pulled up her brothers trouser leg & folded down his sock) - looks fine to me - very little swelling (not surprising as she was looking at the wrong ankle) - you say the Willingdene healer played a part? - an interesting acquisition - too late for me of course - years of misdiagnosis by incompetent GPs have put me beyond hope of healing - but I work tirelessly for others -

  As I listened to Diana rattling on - I began to understand Toms preoccupation with alternative medicine. In his beloved sisters eyes - alternative was mainstream - she was into alternatives to the alternatives!

  Finally Tom got a word in - asking where her luggage was - assuming she would be staying at Kyoto - causing Mary to wince before the polite smile formed - but relief was on its way.

  - such was of course my intention - said Di - but as you know I have been ever industrious in singing the praises of Sandytown - Tom - & as you may have noticed - I have been instrumental in persuading a friend of mine - seeking a holiday destination for herself & her teenage nieces - to choose Sandytown rather than one of the less salubrious resorts - so I thought I would drop in on her at Seaview Terrace to check that all was as perfect as I had promised -

  - & was it? - asked Tom.

  - alas no - she said - Unfortunately one of her nieces had slipped while scrambling over some rocks on the shore - damaging her leg - not too seriously - but sufficient for her to wish to recuperate at home - & naturally her sibling went with her. I found Sandy - that is my friend - Mrs Griffiths - undecided whether to follow their example - or stay on by herself. Seeing the danger that her early return might start a rumour that Sandytown beach was unsafe - whereas the truth is - as you know Tom - we have some of the least slippery rocks on the east coast - I immediately offered my services - both as cotenant - & as a conduit into the best circles of the district - both of which offers Mrs Griffiths - that is - Sandy - was delighted to accept. Believe me - only my sense of responsibility for the good name of Sandytown - & by implication of yourself - Tom - would make me inflict this disappointment on you & Mary -

  She looked for applause - which Tom gave her - while Mary managed to murmur something about typical kindness - & all I could think was - unaccountable officiousness!

  Tom - full of brotherly concern for her frail constitution - insisted on driving her back down to the Terrace - with me invited along too - I suspect in my capacity of St J Ambulance trained physician - in case the shock of the sea air brought on a seizure!

  Sandy Griffiths - even though introduced as a "vegan warrior"! - had no onward signs of the kind of dottiness I suspect must be a precondition of chumming up with Deaths Door Di. 40 something - strong handsome face - with a peculiarly disturbing stare - I thought she looked pretty good for someone who presumably existed on sprout fricassees & nut cutlets. She made us v welcome. Tea was produced - camomile for Diana - of course! - Typhoo for the rest of us - plus some v nice cream cakes - which Di thrust aside with a shudder - declaring that one bite would be the death of her. All the more for me! I noticed that Sandy G had a nibble too - so not a total vegan! Nor - it seemed to me - a particularly close buddy of Dianas - which made me wonder how shed let herself be manoeuvred into having Di as her live-In guide. Tried some subtle probing - but Sandy G fixed me with her stare - so I backed off. Maybe being called Sandy makes her feel as proprietorial about Sandytown as Diana clearly does!

  Tom clearly sees nothing but his sisters good points. He really is a sweetie. I find Im becoming as anxious as Ma
ry that some people might be tempted to take advantage of his good nature.

  2 more excitements - then Im done. I dont want to risk overstimulating you!

  After we left the Terrace - driving back through the town - we saw Franny Roote hauling himself into his car. The ease with which he did it - reaching out to fold up his wheelchair & swing it into the back - suggested long practice - & my heart ached for him. OK - I know what youd say - all that stuff about handicapped people finding expressions of sympathy & offers of assistance patronizing - but I cant help it. Hes a young guy - & hes missing out on so much young guy stuff it breaks me up - so there!

  Tom pulled alongside - & called - hello there Franny! - hows things -

  - great - he said - giving me a big smile - & how are you - Charlotte? -

  fine - I said - nice wheels.

  Idiot thing to say - as it was a small boxy MPV - chosen - I guess - because the sliding doors made things easier.

  - yes - he said - I dithered between this & the Porsche for a long time -

  But he gave me a big grin - to show I hadnt really offended him. Tom said - you wont forget the planning committee meeting at the Avalon on Friday -

  - such excitements - said Fran - the committee on Friday - Lady Ds hog roast on Sunday - then less than a week to recover before the festival - be still my foolish heart! -

  Tom - who doesnt do irony - said with concern - Fran - is there a problem? -

  - no no - grinned Franny - of course Ill be t here - Charlotte - will you be staying on for the Bank Holiday weekend & the great Festival of Health? -

  - no - Im heading home this Saturday - I said.

  Tom looked devastated - tho Id made it clear this was my plan - & Franny winked at me & said - then why not let Tom bring you along on Friday - not to the meeting - wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy - but Lester will be laying on some booze & snacks afterward. Its the festival action committee - so all us therapists will be there - great chance to pick their brains for your thesis - & Ill be first in the queue! -