by Regan Ure
"Thanks," I said, giving him a smile that didn't reach my eyes.
He nodded but remained quiet. I got out and closed the door.
I didn't look back as I walked to the front entrance of the building. I let out a shaky breath. Inside the safety of the elevator, I put a hand to my head as I looked back at my reflection in the mirrored wall.
Matthew was already making dinner when I entered the apartment.
"You're just in time," he yelled as I dropped my bag on the table in the hallway. Whatever he was cooking smelled so delicious. My stomach growled when I stepped into the kitchen.
"Did I tell you how much I'm going to miss your cooking when you go?" I teased, and he threw me a glare over his shoulder. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows as he cooked over the stove.
He was going to make one girl very lucky one day, I thought to myself.
"I'm going to miss you," I said, standing beside him, watching him work his magic.
"You'll be too busy with Slater to miss me," he shot back. Saying Slater's name wiped the smile from my face.
I wasn't even convinced that after today there would be any more of Slater and me. He would pull away from me and our arrangement would end.
"What's wrong?" Matthew asked, noticing my somber look.
"Boys," I replied.
"Boys suck," he added, and it put a smile right back on my face.
It reminded me of the first time Slater had hurt me, and Taylor had been consoling me in the kitchen. When Matthew had asked what was wrong she'd told him that exact sentence.
"You remember," I said. He nodded.
I bit my lip. As much as I wanted to confide in him, I couldn't. Telling him what had happened between Slater and me would entail revealing my secret from my childhood, and that wasn't something I was prepared to do.
"What happened?" he asked, giving me a side-glance.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Does it involve Slater?"
"Yup." I leaned against the kitchen counter.
"You know that just because things worked out between Taylor and Sin doesn't mean you and Slater will."
"Yeah, I know that." Slater was far more damaged than Sin.
Matthew finished the cooking and turned the stove off before turning to face me. I was expecting a lecture.
"If you don't walk away, he will break your heart."
Even though it was true, I knew I couldn't bring myself to do that. I had walked away from many guys, never giving them a second thought. But with Slater I already felt too much.
"I need you to tell me everything will be okay," I said softly, feeling emotional. I swallowed hard as I held his softening gaze.
He nodded and hugged me.
"Everything will be okay," he assured me, his voice gentle. I leaned against him, closing off my thoughts of Slater and what had happened. I just wanted to concentrate on Matthew's words and believe them with all my heart.
For a while he held me. By the time he pulled away and looked down at me, giving me a dimpled smile, our food was cold.
The worry knots in my stomach took my appetite away and I only chewed a few mouthfuls.
"Don't you like it?" Matthew asked, watching me push my food around with my fork.
"I do, it's just I'm not feeling very hungry now."
"I know what will help."
His solution had been to go out and buy me ice cream. He handed me the entire tub and put a girlie movie on for me.
"You're going to make some girl very happy one day," I told him. He just seemed to know what to say and what to do to make everything better.
He laughed.
"I doubt it. I'm a guy," he argued. "I'll probably mess it up. She'll tell her friends what an asshole I am."
I shook my head as I dug my spoon into the ice cream.
"No way."
I ate a spoonful of the chocolate ice cream, enjoying the flavor as it chilled my throat. He just chuckled at me and shook his head.
"I think I may be running out of ice cream," I said, showing I'd already managed to get through more than half of it.
"I bought more," he assured me.
"What kind?" I asked, eating another spoonful.
"Chocolate."
I sighed. "I may have to keep you forever."
* * *
The next day Connor called to speak to Matthew. I think they were finalizing his last few days before he moved on to his new job. It reminded me I would be on my own soon and I wasn't looking forward to it.
Slater was scarce for the next day. His behavior didn't surprise me and I wasn't even sure he was going to be in touch again at all. He had knocked on the door of my issues before backing a safe distance away.
I swallowed hard, remembering the last time we'd been together. The feel of his hands on me, his body against mine. Just the thought of it made my pulse race.
"How good are you at packing?" Matthew asked, pulling me out of my erotic thoughts.
"No chance," I said, already shaking my head as I turned to face my roommate.
"Ah, come on," he teased, giving me a dimpled smile.
"Nope." I stood firm. "I don't want you to leave so I won't help you pack."
"Don't be like that. I'll come back for visits," he offered. I pressed my lips together as I tried to resist his pleading eyes.
"I'm going to miss you," I said, giving in. He'd fed me ice cream the past two nights and given me an ear to listen to my stuff. The least I could do was help him pack.
"Me too," he threw back as he slung an arm around me and gave me a hug.
"I'm going to have to find a replacement for you."
As the words left my lips I suddenly had an idea. The thought of living on my own in the apartment made me worry I would be lonely. For the last few months I'd lived with Taylor and Matthew. And now I was facing living on my own at the end of the week when Matthew left.
It was being rented out by Connor but I was pretty sure he would let me get a roommate. I made a mental note to call him later to find out. My mind was already two steps ahead and I was already trying to think of anyone I knew who I wouldn't mind sharing the place with.
Levi came to mind. He was perfect and we got along so well. With my mind made up, I began to help Matthew pack some of his stuff. Granted he didn't have much and only filled a couple of boxes.
Afterward we were having a beer while sitting on the couch with our feet propped up on the coffee table.
"Remember I'm only going to be a phone call away," he reminded me before he took another swig of the bottle.
He was a bodyguard who put his life on the line to protect his clients. I took a deep sip of my beer and gulped it down to stop my thoughts from running wild with every bad scenario that could happen to him.
"I just want you to be safe," I told him. Our easy-going tone from before was gone. His eyes held mine.
"I'm good at what I do," he reminded me, which did nothing to ease my fears.
"Promise me you'll be careful," I demanded, sitting up and setting my bottle down on the table.
Despite my unusual demand, I could see the understanding in his eyes.
"I promise." They were only two words but they lifted the heaviness of the fear I felt for him.
I reached out and touched his hand, needing the closeness. He set his beer down.
"You think that's bad, you should hear my sisters' list of demands," he revealed, easing the atmosphere. "They even expect regular phone calls."
He made me smile. "I may need that too," I admitted.
He chuckled. "Don't worry, I will."
It warmed my heart that he cared.
"I need to make sure there is someone to kick Slater's ass when he messes up." He was right, but I didn't want to think about it.
"I'm going to need to find someone to buy me ice cream," I said, picking up my beer after he released my hand.
"My only suggestion is keep the chocolate ice cream for the serious heartbreak."
&
nbsp; I knew he was joking but it hurt to think that even my friends could already see the demise of whatever was going on with Slater. Common sense told me to stop it before it could get worse but it was like a drug addict trying to stave off their next hit. Impossible.
As if on cue, my phone buzzed with a message. Matthew took another swig of his beer as I got my phone from the table and checked it.
My insides stirred with excitement.
You busy? It was from Slater.
I felt like a giddy girl who was experiencing her first crush on a boy.
For a few moments, under the watchful eyes of Matthew, I threw caution to the wind. Maybe it was the feeling of loneliness at the leaving of some of the most important people in my life that made me want to reach out and anchor myself to him.
I was playing with fire.
"Lover boy?" Matthew asked before taking a swig of beer.
I nodded as I contemplated what to say back. My fingers hovered over the keys, trying to decide on the right thing to text him.
"I'm tired," Matthew said abruptly, pulling my attention from my phone.
"I'm going to have an early night," he said, standing up. He ducked into the kitchen with his beer bottle.
"Night, Matt," I said as he walked to his room. He opened the door and looked back.
"Keep the noise down," he said, giving me a wink before he left, closing the door behind him.
Smiling to myself, I messaged Slater back.
I'm home.
For a few moments I wondered if it was better to play hard-to-get. But then I had to remind myself I didn't have to play games. In this we both knew the rules, and all that was on the table was amazing sex. Nothing more.
Are you sure? my conscience prodded but I refused to acknowledge it.
Can I come over? His message vibrated a few moments later.
My heart began to race at the thought of him here with me. I licked my bottom lip.
If you want, I replied, trying to sound noncommittal. I didn't want to admit I was relieved that my issues weren't enough to send him running.
I'll be there in 10.
My heart fluttered and I frowned. It's just sex, I reminded myself. Awesome sex.
I stood up and began to pace. I didn't know why I felt so nervous. We'd already sealed the deal and he'd pretty much seen me naked. What was there to still be anxious about?
I contemplated changing out of my sweatpants and over-sized shirt, but I decided against it. If I dressed up for him it would give him the wrong idea. And after what happened the last time, I didn't want to do anything that might scare him off.
Exactly twelve minutes later there was a rap against the door. I didn't open it immediately. After the attack on Taylor, I got into a new habit of checking who was at the door before opening. I looked through the peep hole. It was Slater. It wasn't like I was expecting anyone else.
I inhaled sharply and exhaled to calm my nerves before I opened the door. His eyes met mine. And I felt an instant awareness. I stepped back and he entered the apartment.
"Where's Matt?" he asked, scanning the room.
I closed the door and leaned back slightly. "He went to bed."
He swung his gaze back to me. I didn't move. He did. In a flash his mouth was against mine. I grabbed his shirt and bunched it as he assaulted my mouth.
Want stirred in my stomach before it flowed through my veins, taking control of me. His tongue slid against mine and I shivered with anticipation for what lay ahead. I released his shirt to snake my hands around his neck.
"So hot," he murmured in a husky voice as his hands skimmed my sides.
He lifted me, and my legs wrapped around his waist. He carried me to my room. He put me down as he kicked the door closed.
The room was dark. I switched on my side lamp before I turned to face him. He eyes slid over me with clear intent, and all I could do was remember to breathe.
This thing with him was something I'd never experienced before. It scared me. Wild, hot and dangerous.
"Strip," he commanded. My hands slid to the hem of my shirt and I pulled it upward. There was no hesitation.
I wanted him any way I could have him.
Chapter Twelve
His eyes heated my skin as I dropped the shirt to the floor. His gaze fixed to my hands on the waistband of my sweatpants. I loved the way his eyes darkened and glittered as they followed the path of my hands down my sides as I peeled off the clothing.
"Come here," he said, his voice husky with want. I held his gaze. His eyes were dark and determined. I shook my head.
"You come here," I countered, not allowing him to give all the commands. I wiggled my finger for him to come closer.
He gave me a wicked smile and took a step closer to me. My pulse raced as he took another. Then the warmth of his hands held my waist. I looked up expectantly at him, wetting my lips slightly.
"You're bossy today," he said, and my response was to press my lips to his.
Our tongues swirled together, his hands gripping my body tighter. I placed my hands on his face as he deepened the kiss.
So lost in the moment and the chemistry between us, I didn't notice him unhook my bra until it slackened.
I smiled against his lips. Pulling away, I dropped the bra to the floor. His eyes took in my nakedness. The way he looked at me made me feel empowered and beautiful.
"Your turn," I whispered, reaching for his shirt. He pulled it over his head. My eyes swept over his cut six-pack. I couldn't resist the urge to run my hands over them, feeling the hardness of his muscles.
I proceeded to his jeans and began unbuttoning them. They dropped and he kicked them off.
I groaned as his lips skimmed my neck. His tongue trailed down the side of my neck with a scrape of his teeth and I grabbed his arms, giving in to the rush of want. His teeth grazed gently into my earlobe. When he pulled away he smiled knowingly at me. Like he knew how to play me note for note.
He walked me to the bed and lay me down. I could feel myself feeling less comfortable despite my physical response to him.
I looked down as he pulled at my panties and slid them down. I felt like I was on fire and about to combust. I closed my eyes briefly. My breath was erratic as once again I tried to stave off the memories. One breath in and I held it for a few moments before I released it.
I felt the touch and warmth of his body as it covered me. I opened my eyes as his mouth covered mine. My body fit against his and I wanted to put my arms around him to keep him closer, but I couldn't. I was battling my inner demons and losing.
"Jordan," Slater murmured as our eyes met, "stay with me." I wanted to but I didn't know how. I'd been hiding for so long I didn't know how to step out into the open and reveal myself.
"I'm here," I said, pressing my lips to his to distract him.
Just do it, I begged inside my mind.
His hips pressed against mine. I could feel myself slipping into the safe place, when Slater stilled.
"What's wrong?" I asked, needing him to finish what we'd started.
"You're doing it again," he said softly, his eyes searching mine.
I bit my lip, feeling caught off guard.
"Stay here with me," he said again, and I felt something unlatch in my heart. "Do you want me to stop?"
"No," I murmured, shaking my head slightly.
Feeling lost without an anchor, I gripped his arms.
He entered me and I gasped, struggling to stay in the moment. I didn't want to face the dark and evil memories, but I couldn't slip away into my safe place. My eyes held his.
There was no more hiding. His lips touched mine as he began to move inside me. Pressing into me, filling me completely. I squeezed my eyes closed as feelings I'd been hiding for so long unraveled, leaving me open and exposed for everyone to see.
"Open your eyes," Slater instructed, and I obeyed. Tears slid down my face. At the sight of my tears, he stopped. He began to pull away but I stopped him.
"Don't stop,
" I insisted. I didn't want him to move his body from mine. It felt like the only thing keeping me in place and I feared what would happen if he stopped.
He hesitated but my eyes pleaded with him. He began to move while his lips touched mine softly, with a tenderness I'd never felt before.
The seams were coming undone and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I lifted my hips to meet his thrust. Again and again. Sweat slid from my brow. Slater's hands encircled me and kept me close as he took me higher and then I shattered into a million pieces.
Slater tensed above me as he reached his climax. I closed my eyes, trying to stop him from seeing what was happening. More tears mingled with my sweat and slid down my face.
A gentle finger brushed one tear away and then another. A dam had broken and there was no way to stop more tears from breaking free.
I was on the verge of having a meltdown and I needed to be alone. I pushed Slater at the same time I opened my eyes again, and he moved off me. Sitting up with my back to him, I brushed my tears away, feeling furious with myself.
"Jordan," Slater said. The sound of the pity in his voice was more than I could handle.
"Please...leave."
I wanted him to leave me alone. And as far as I was concerned, I didn't want to see him again. Not after this. Not after what he'd witnessed.
"I can't," he said, and my back stiffened. I looked over my shoulder at him.
"I need you to go," I said as calmly as I could, trying to keep the desperation from dripping out in my voice.
He studied me for a moment before he got up and walked into the bathroom. Hastily I turned back and clamped my hand over my mouth to keep him from hearing my sobs. A few minutes later the bathroom door opened and I squeezed my eyes closed as I listened to him get dressed, with me still fixed to the same spot he'd left me in.
I waited to hear the sound of my door opening but there was nothing. After a minute I turned to look at him again. There it was. The sympathy in his eyes.
"You sure you want me to leave?" he asked, his eyes searching mine.
I nodded, unable to speak as emotion tightened my throat. This time when I looked back to the window I heard his footsteps and the door opened. There was a moment of hesitation and I held my breath. Then the door closed.
