by Regan Ure
He studied me for a few moments, looking unconvinced.
"I'm sorry about last night," I added.
Our arrangement didn't cover emotional meltdowns, and I hated that my actions had changed that. I had tainted what we had, making it impossible to continue.
Was that the real reason he had come by? The thought felt like a punch to my gut and I felt winded, unable to hold on to the control of pretending I wasn't pieces of the whole person I'd been before.
"Sit down," Slater insisted when I swayed slightly. He closed the distance between us and directed me to sit down on my bed.
The touch of his hands on my arms sent a vibration of awareness through me, shaking the broken pieces of me inside and making it impossible to keep my composure. He stepped away.
I exhaled as the tears stung, an imminent warning I was about to cry.
"Jordan…" The softly spoken word pulled my eyes to his. The tears began, the image of him obscure.
He stood only a foot away from me but he seemed to want to keep his distance. Most people would have offered comfort, but not him. The first tear slid down my face and I wiped it away quickly, hating that I felt so weak and unable to control myself.
"Please leave," I whispered hoarsely as another tear escaped. I gritted my teeth as I tried to delay the release that was coming.
I dropped my gaze to the floor. He let out a deep sigh and I wished he would leave, but this time he didn't. Instead, the bed shifted as he sat beside me. I looked at him, more tears filling my eyes, and I swallowed hard.
I'd given him an out and he hadn't taken it. Had he felt obligated to stay?
"I'm not leaving you like this," he said, putting an arm around me, pulling me close.
There was no strength to resist as I allowed him to comfort me. My tears ran freely and I gripped his shirt.
He never said a word as he embraced me while I cried. There was no more control, only the flow of heartache and pain that poured from me unchecked. At no point did his hold on me slack while I sobbed.
After a while my crying quieted and I took a trembling breath. The soft touch of his fingers on my cheeks brushing the wetness away was unexpected. His eyes held mine before drifting over my face, and his hands fell away. For the first time, I felt a connection with him that wasn't just physical. He pulled farther away.
I felt rejected once more, which was amplified by my feelings of vulnerability from exposing my heartache in front of him. "I'm good now. You can go."
There was his chance to leave me, guilt free. I yawned, feeling drained on both an emotional and physical level.
"You need to rest," he said, standing up. He helped me to my feet long enough to pull the covers back so I could get into my bed.
He was preparing to leave. It had been all I wanted when he arrived, but now I didn't want him to go. It's for the best, I reminded myself, trying to ease the hurt I was feeling. But none of that reasoning made me feel any better; it only made me feel worse.
I looked up at him as I lay on my side. But instead of tucking me in, he kicked off his shoes and shrugged out of his jacket.
"I can't leave you," he said when he saw my questioning gaze. He look resigned as he admitted it.
He slipped into the bed and lay on his side, facing me. Unsure of what to say, I remained quiet. He turned and switched my side lamp off. Darkness descended and I felt a little fear ripple through me like I was a young child still afraid of the dark.
A warm hand touched my hip and pulled me closer. The fear began to melt away.
"Sleep," he said, and I closed my eyes, feeling secure and protected for the first time that day. For the moment, I refused to allow myself to analyze his actions or try to figure out his motives. I just took comfort in his arms, needing the safety they provided. Tomorrow I would face the reality that whatever we had was changed and was over. There was no way to keep it just physical, not after the events in the last twenty-four hours.
I remembered when Slater had rejected me the first time because he was unable to give me more than a physical relationship, and it had suited me then. But now, knowing more about me than he had before would make him run for the hills.
It didn't take a shrink to figure out something had made him keep his distance when it came to emotions and getting emotionally attached. I wondered who had scarred him so deeply that he avoided getting too close to anyone. I tried to prepare myself for when he would extract himself out of my life, leaving a void I didn't want to admit his absence would leave.
I lay with my head on his chest as his arm cocooned me in his embrace. Listening to his heartbeat and the regular rise and fall of his chest lulled me into a sense of safeness that allowed me to fall asleep.
* * *
Later I woke up with Slater sleeping beside me. He was restless and frowning as he slept. He moaned and groaned slightly as I watched him. My fingers soothed his hair to the side.
He seemed to be having a nightmare.
"Where are…" he began to say. I leaned closer.
I knew I should wake him up but I wanted to hear what he would say. Would he reveal something about the person who had made him avoid relationships and commitment?
There was no mistaking the pang of guilt I felt but I ignored it as I lay watching him. His face turned to face me.
"Shannon…" he whispered, concern and fear rampant in his voice. I reached out and touched his arm gently, hoping it would soothe him while he slept.
Shannon? Was that the name of the girl who had broken his heart beyond repair? Was she the one to blame?
"Shannon!" he said, louder this time. He jerked upright, and I sat up.
"It's just a dream," I said to him, putting my hand to his back.
Still rapidly breathing, with sweat beading his forehead, he turned to face me. There was so much anguish in his eyes, I wanted to hug him to take the sadness away.
He rubbed his hands over his face and I watched, still with my hand on his back. He had comforted me and I felt the need to do the same for him.
"You were talking," I said, wanting to find out who Shannon was.
His eyes shot to mine. "What did I say?"
Was he scared he had revealed too much? He waited anxiously for my answer.
"You were looking for someone named Shannon."
It was like a shutter came down, blocking out his open emotions. He shifted to the edge of the bed and shoved his feet into his boots. I watched as he collected his jacket from the floor and shrugged it on.
"I gotta go," he said before he left without a backward glance, leaving me stunned at the turn of events.
Chapter Fourteen
He left so unexpectedly, I sat in my bed and stared at the closed door for several minutes after it closed. I had expected him not to want to open up about it, but to leave so abruptly had been a surprise.
Shannon. She must have really hurt him badly for him to be this affected by her. My mind raced with possibilities.
Had she cheated on him? I mulled over the thought. Remembering the anguish in his eyes, it didn't feel right. It must have been something much worse. His reaction and sadness reminded me of my own issues. I frowned. I didn't want to think that something as bad as what I had experienced had happened to him.
The pain in my chest made it hard to breathe. I didn't know whether it was because of the pain Slater was experiencing or my own. It was impossible to determine.
I checked the time on my phone. It was time to get up and get ready for class. I wasn't ready to leave the safety of my room, but if I didn't Matthew would call Taylor—or worse, Connor.
There were two people already who knew about my emotional meltdown and it was two people too many. I stood up and rolled my shoulders. My body still ached physically as well as emotionally.
Resisting the urge to throw caution to the wind and get back into bed was not easy but I went through all the small tasks of getting ready for school, which made it possible not to concentrate on my issues.
&n
bsp; But when it came to opening the door and leaving, I hesitated. It was too much. I needed help, and then I remembered I had something that would make it easier. I opened the drawer of my side table and rummaged through it. My fingers closed around a bottle of pills a doctor had prescribed the first time I had experienced my first meltdown two years ago. I'd told him I had been stressed about some upcoming exams. He had given me the prescription without any further questioning.
What had actually happened, though, was some guy had called me "baby" in the heat of the moment and it had sent me into a spiral of memories that had taken me weeks to recover from.
I opened it and took a tablet before returning the bottle to my drawer. Inside the bathroom, I took the pill with a sip of water. I hated taking them. I didn't like how they made me feel numb and emotionless, but today it would help me. I would be able to function without fear of breaking down again.
"You're up," Matthew said, sounding a little surprised when he walked into the kitchen and I was sitting at the table drinking my coffee. I hoped it would help me get through the day.
"I am," I said, giving him the faintest smile. It was hard when I felt so void of emotion. I just knew I needed to assure him in some way other than words.
"You feeling better?" he asked, and I nodded. He studied me.
"Can we just forget it? I don't want to talk about it and I want to forget it happened." My eyes held his.
He walked to me and dropped into the chair beside me.
"I've barely slept the last twenty-four hours," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I've been worried about you."
I covered his one hand with mine and squeezed it.
"I'm okay now. I promise." The lie rolled right off my tongue without hesitation. He studied me for a few seconds before he nodded.
"It never happened," he assured me, and I felt some relief that I could try to forget about it like I had managed to do before.
It would take time but there was no other choice. I could go see someone and talk about it, but that scared me. Admitting to anyone out loud what happened to me made my skin crawl and my stomach turn. How could I possibly open up to a complete stranger, giving them a personal insight into my life and what made me tick? No, it wasn't an option for me. I preferred my trusted plan of just ignoring it.
"You still okay for me to move out at the end of the week?" he asked. He watched me closely.
His question took me by surprise. He had mentioned it to me but with everything going on I had forgotten.
"Yes." I nodded. I wasn't ready but I couldn't hold him back because I was feeling so weak.
"Are you going to get a roommate?" he asked.
Being alone had its perks but so did having someone else around, as long as they were the right type of person.
It was at times like this when I missed Taylor.
"Yes," I said, reminding myself I needed to speak to Levi. But before I asked him, I would have to check with Connor. After all, he was renting the apartment.
"I'd better go," I said, standing up. I slung my bag over my shoulder as I grabbed an apple and shoved it in for later.
"Have a good day," Matthew said, watching me leave.
Outside the apartment, my smile waned as I walked to class. My eyes drifted from one person to another. Everyone had stuff they had to deal with, some worse than others. For each person I saw I wondered if their issues were easier to deal with than mine were.
One class flowed into another. It was difficult to concentrate while on the medication I was on but I did the best I could. By lunchtime I was ready for a break and something to eat.
I spotted Taylor when I entered the cafeteria. I smiled as I approached her.
"Hi," she greeted, standing up to give me a hug.
"Hi," I said. She had a glow about her that radiated happiness.
We sat down.
"It's good to see you," I said, realizing just how much I missed her. There was a light in her eyes and I knew Sin had put it there.
"Yeah, I miss you too." It was good to hear. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
"How's Sin and the whole 'living together' thing?" I asked.
She smiled, the type of wide grin that made you feel happier just for seeing it.
"That good?" I asked with a genuine smile.
She nodded sheepishly, and my smile grew.
"How are you and Slater?" she asked. My smile dropped and I looked down at the table to hide my reaction to the sound of his name.
"That bad?" she asked.
I looked back at her. "It's okay." I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't really want to talk about Slater and me. I was convinced we were done.
"Talk to me," she said. I got my apple out of my bag, not because I was hungry but to keep my hands busy.
"It's complicated," was all I revealed.
Then I remembered his nightmare and the name he mentioned while he'd slept restlessly beside me.
"How much do you know about Slater?" I asked. They were friends but I had no idea how close they were. I couldn't exactly ask Sin. For one, I didn't think he would tell; and second, he might mention it to Slater.
"A little. Why? What do you want to know?" she asked, leaning a little closer.
I looked around to make sure there was no one close enough to hear our conversation.
"He was sleeping last night and I heard him mention a girl's name," I murmured. "Shannon."
Taylor frowned for a moment. "He hasn't really spoken about any other girls. Sin hasn't mentioned anything either." Then she seemed to think of something. "Sin once mentioned Slater had a sister."
It was explosive. A sister. I had no idea.
"What happened to her?" I asked, feeling only slightly guilty I was intruding into his past.
She shrugged. "Sin wouldn't elaborate. He said it wasn't his story to tell."
That was very interesting. Had? Did that mean she had died? Not once had Slater ever mentioned a sister. It was strange. The fact he had never told me about her made me believe she was a part of what happened to him to make him so scared of forming emotional bonds. The questions were endless and I had no answers.
* * *
When I finally got back to the apartment later that afternoon after finishing up my classes, I was tired. I dropped my bag in the hallway and went straight to the kitchen.
I had a craving for sugar. Ice cream. I got a tub of it out and got a spoon. Matthew walked in, shaking his head at me as I lifted the first spoonful to my mouth.
"What?" I asked, dropping the spoon from my lips.
"It must have been a bad day if you're into the reserves already," he said, inclining his head to the ice cream.
"Yeah," I said, trying not to reveal how hard it had been with my memories out in the open for me to consider whenever I wasn't busy.
The only remedy was to keep busy. I wasn't looking forward to tonight. Although, thinking about Slater and the girl he mentioned might keep my mind off my own stuff.
"You okay?" he asked, his eyes holding mine, like he was looking for more than the answer he would get.
I nodded. I didn't want to talk about or elaborate on how I was dealing with my issues.
"Have you thought of who could move in here when I leave?"
"Yes," I said. "Thanks for the reminder."
He watched as I ate the spoonful of ice cream before packing the container back in the freezer. I got my phone out and called Connor.
It rang five times before he answered.
"Jordan," he said, and I felt a little nervous.
"Hi, Connor."
"What can I do for you? Everything okay?" he asked, a slight edge of worry to his voice.
"Yes. Everything is fine," I assured him, finding myself pacing as I talked to him. "I have something to ask?"
"Sure." He sounded busy so I didn't want to waste time.
"Is it okay if I get a roommate?" I asked, feeling like a kid asking their parent for something.
"Why would
you want a roommate?" he asked, taking me by surprise.
"I don't want to be on my own. I need company," I tried to explain, feeling needy all of a sudden and it was so unlike me. I knew why, but I couldn't exactly explain that to him.
"As long as I can run a background check on them, it's fine."
I frowned. "I really don't think that's necessary."
"It's my only requirement," he insisted, drawing the line.
"Not everyone is an undercover nutcase hell-bent on revenge."
He surprised me by chuckling.
"You're right but I'm not taking any chances." I knew he wouldn't back down.
It was either live alone or let Connor do his usual security thing by digging into Levi's past. It wasn't like he was going to find anything incriminating.
"Okay," I relented, feeling a little guilty that I was allowing him to check my friend out.
"What's the roommate's name?" he asked.
"I haven't asked him yet but his name is Levi Anderson."
I heard him scribble the name down. "I should have the report by tomorrow."
"Okay." It wasn't like I was expecting him to find anything. I knew Levi well.
"Everything okay?" he asked.
"Yes. Why?" I asked, feeling self-conscious. Was it something I said?
"You just don't sound like your usual self," he said. Trust Connor to pick up on my internal struggle just by the sound of my voice.
"I've had a rough day. That's all." My eyes found Matthew's.
"You sure?" he asked. What was it with the guys in my life? Did they all have some sort of intuition that told them how messed up I was?
"Yeah," I replied causally, trying to keep my tone light and unemotional, the total opposite from how I was feeling inside. My medication was wearing off. I would need to take more soon.
"Okay. I'll call you tomorrow when I get the report," he said before the call ended.
I let out a deep breath. Matthew watched.
"He's going to run a background check, isn't he?" he asked with a growing smile.
"You know him well." To anyone who didn't know Connor, they would think it was over the top. But to those who did, it wasn't—it was normal.
